Listening to: Fall Out Boy, Save Rock and Roll
Watching: Castle Season 5
Playing: Dead Island, Dark Souls: Prepare to Die Edition, League of Legends
Reading: Thunderball by Ian Flemming
To tell the truth I honestly thought that I would never write something on here again. It seemed like something that I did during school. Just to complain about stuff. I don't know why I'm writing here now. Actually that's not true, I just figured that writing about it was better than letting it fester inside me. I don't know what I'm doing, my degree, my gaming habit, the people around me. I always thought that it would just seem like one step after another, get a degree, get a job, maybe jumping around jobs til 60 then retirement. Now it's just like someone has hit me over the head, I'm reeling and I keep getting hit. I just keep spinning and spinning and it makes no sense any more.
People always seem so sure of what's happening. Everyone has that plan and I always seemed so confident. Emphasis on the "seemed." I have lived my lie. And to me I always sound so incredibly pathetic when I talk about my problems. I suppose that's why people never talk about it. Because we are afraid of seeming weak. And to tell truth I subscribed to the theory that girls like vulnerable men. But that ain't all there is to people. Everyone has there weaknesses and strengths. Perhaps it's just my luck that I see more of my weaknesses than my strengths. I've heard tell that you look for the worst in the people you hate. But that can be a lie. Sometimes you hate them because all you see are the strengths. You can't bring yourself to think of them as a person as a balance of both.
I recently discovered I try to blend in. I'm a chameleon. I'm told I act like my cousin, I'm told I speak like the MacKay's, I'm told I copy people's accents. I am a chameleon, I try to fit in to the people I'm around by copying them, sometimes even opinion just so I will have people that are like me. Even if they truly aren't.
An analogy I understand, I feel like I'm in an open world game with no objective marker, no quests, no places of interest. Just a wide open world. I'm lost in this world. Just like a quest in dead island. Just like Dark Souls. I don't know where to go.
I miss people, I miss Micheal, I miss Tania, I miss Rachel, I miss Henry, I miss Peter, I miss James. I miss some many people, and places. I miss school as daft as it sounds. Just because that was easy. Because of the people there. I haven't grown up, I'm not ready for responsibility.
