Guess what... It's Christmas.

But it's not like everyone didn't already know that. Even babies know that something's going down because they receive a lot of stuffed animals and other clothing items. Because you can't get a baby much else. But still... While I enjoy getting presents as much as the next guy, and I do enjoy shopping for other people as much as shopping for myself. I don't share the philosophy about Jesus' birth. It may or may not have been the birth of the Christ and that's fine with me, but I personally see no point in celebrating it. It's like celebrating the birthday of Bill Gates because he practically invented the most used computer operating software. Bill Gates did something for me but I don't celebrate his birthday.

Admittedly Jesus did do a lot more for people than Bill Gates did. And his contribution spans a larger time span.

I speak flippantly about all this because I want to care more, But I don't. I see some people going to Christmas services and I think "Good for you." I have been brought up in a household and religion that doesn't really emphasize Christmas. I mean being born is nice for the savior of the world but seeing as he's not around to receive the gifts its not emphasized. I'm being flippant again.

I think being flippant about religion is my way of deflecting questions about it. I feel uncomfortable because I'm not certain about it. It's easy to not answer if your not sure of yourself. At least that's how I see it.

I've asked for help for people but their methods don't seem to be doing it for me. Maybe this really is one of these things that you can only do for yourself.

Give me a day and I will make it.

Seize the day. But my seizing happens to be getting bored of something then going into town. I lead a very boring life. But mind you that is a lot of people's life's. I just wish I wasn't so dissatisfied with it.

I was reading Brave New World. It's quite a scary notion when you look at it in it's entirety. When the entire world is controlled by what makes them feel good. When the idea of a family is repulsive and you are encouraged to sleep around. It just goes against everything that I think of as right and decent. And yet they justify it with a few simple words. And somewhere I agree with them. If pleasure was controlled then what could we do? Fell grumpy for the rest of our lives. It's inhumane and just plain wrong. But it would work. That's the problem with a lot of plans these days. They will work, but in some way or another they will violate some human right that somebody sometime wrote that people should have. In a way it's annoying that people get in the way of progress like that. But if we don't get in the way of industrial progress then we just end up with no resources. Bureaucracy does have some uses it seems.

It's the same way that war has it's uses. If the planet is getting overcrowded then inevitably a war will start and reduce the total population. I'm not saying it's good. But sometimes its necessary. I think I've written about this before.

I got a new mouse and it has made me better at games. It looks badass so I feel more confident while using it. That's actually a marketing strategy. If it looks cool and performs as well as other things will in it's field then it will generally sell. It's a confidence booster. You don't necessarily do any better but you feel better doing it. Same thing with clothes. A suit is a suit to me but apparently the brand is important. And people think and act superior if their clothes are more expensive than yours. Unless their a nice person but you have outliers everywhere.

Mind block...

Some Days.

Some days I think that you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. And some days I realize... I'm probably right.

To lazy to think of title.

Wikipedia tells me that dreams are the subconscious speaking to us. If that's the case then either my subconscious likes League as much as I do or it's gone to hell. It does get rather disconcerting when you're eaten by a video game character in your dreams. And you don't often get a situation that basically tells you even you don't know what you want, even in dreams. But then again it does reassure me of my imagination a little bit. I don't often get eaten by things so I consider it good that I can conjure an approximation of what it feels like to be eaten. Not something many people consider to be a good thing but... well this is me.

"This is me." How often have I uttered those words and expected people to know precisely what I meant by it. But I'm still learning what it means to be me. I come across as aloof sometimes and I don't mean to be. It's just that sometimes I don't have anything to say, or a way to say what I want to. And I wouldn't expect people to hang around me when they have nothing to say to me. So by my own logic I don't hang around people when I have nothing to say. This is offset by the fact that I enjoy some peoples company. I will act like a mute idiot around some people if it means that I get to spend time around them. But that doesn't work in one on one situations. And also situations where I feel completely and totally uncomfortable. New people for one, I mean new people are great once I get to know them but I sometimes seem a bit prickly and awkward. And given the option of a situation where I am uncomfortable and Comfortable I will take the Comfort every time. I want to say that if I really want to that I can just solider through the discomfort. But I can't I'll just scurry back to where I'm comfortable. And that's just me trying to explain my aloofness. There's a lot more about me that I can't explain. My arrogance... well that I can explain. I'm insecure. I thought that if I seemed sure of myself then I would become more sure of myself. I thought that if I pretended long enough then eventually it would be true. But it hasn't really. I've just ended up arrogant and self conscious of my failings. I show modesty to oversell myself and if I fail then I just say, "Well I did say I wasn't great at this."

And sometimes I wonder how my mind manages to go from a dream to my own failings. I'm unique, "Unique here having the meaning broken." I'm self destructive. I think of the worst outcomes of a situation.

Dammit it's just been a poor me post. I hate it when I just moan about my problems.

Well this was interesting to be short about it

Here is the proposed ending of my Pandora Blade story. Of course nothing is finalized. But it was odd that the ending seemed so clear to me. Like it was always going to happen this way. None of the decisions made by any characters represent real life feelings(just sayin).

- - - - - - - -

Tania awoke with a start. There was a face above her and she unthinkingly snapped the Pandora Blade up at it. If she aimed just below it then she could cut the artery, to cut the entire head off was a waste of energy. Only three months with this blade and I’ve already learned that it’s wasteful to cut off the head, I’m slashing at heads that appear in the dark. There was a clang and a flash of light. Tania instantly relaxed as she saw the light. She knew it was Jordan now, trust him to try and scare her like that. Jordan smiled and said, “Morning Beautiful.” Tania smiled back. “Didn’t I tell you to stop calling me that?” He shrugged as he said, “Maybe. Am I not allowed to remark on a beautiful woman?” She groaned, “Get a girlfriend Jordan.” “It’s not through lack of trying Tania.” He took his blade from hers and it melted into his arm. As he turned the tattoo was there shining on his back. She traced a finger over the lines through his shirt. “Does it always glow when you do that?” He turned around and frowned at it. “Not normally, but nothing seems to be wrong so I’ll run with it.”

He sat down on the bed next to her. “Out of all the places I thought I’d go in three months I didn’t think it would be your bedroom at three in the morning.” She hit him in the chest and he laughed. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. But still it’s hard to believe that we’ve adapted to this life so easily. I mean three months ago how would you have reacted if I’d showed up in your bedroom at this time of night?” She brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around it the sword now pointing at the ceiling. “I don’t know. It’s like these months have been years, I’m so far from the person I was back then It’s like their a stranger.” He looked her straight in the eyes. “You’re still Tania, nothing can change that, not the blade, not what we’ve been through.” He looked haunting in the moonlight, like half of his face was completely missing. She was tempted for a moment to reach out and see if his face really was there. “But I’m slowly changing what it means to be me. Jordan for all your honeyed words I’m still not the same person I was back then.” Jordan slowly placed a hand on hers, the one holding the Pandora Blade. With slow and deliberate movements he unwound each individual finger from the grip. “So what if you could take it all back, what if you could become what you were back then?” She looked at him then her fingers involuntarily tightened on the sword. He looked at that and said softly. “Can you answer without holding onto the sword? I want the answer from you, not you and it.”

She slowly let it go and Jordan stood back. She clenched her now empty fist. It seemed wrong to be without the sword, it had become part of her. But she’d never needed it before. “I don’t know Jordan. The choice would have to be right in front of me.” Flipping the Pandora blade so it was held out handle first he said, “Well now it is.” She looked at him, “You’re saying that you can undo what we did? But that’s impossible, not even…” “Tania, I can undo what the sword did to you, not what we did. We will always have saved the world. I’m just asking you if you want to keep doing it.” She smiled at him and reached for the sword, “It was a pretty good feeling.” He jerked the sword back. “I’m asking you to think for yourself Tania. For once don’t be privy to the feelings that thing invokes in you.” She snatched the blade and swung at his head. He swayed backwards but the blade still sliced a line on one side of his face. The Eon Blade seemed to move of its own accord and slapped the Pandora Blade out of Tania’s hand. Suddenly his face was next to hers, “Do you understand why I can’t let you keep the blade now?” The blood dripping down his face seemed to glow in the moonlight. “Not everyone’s as fast as me and it won’t always be me you’re threatening. We both got told if we took up these blades we’d lose something.” Tania looked at the blood as it fell from his face like a teardrop. She sobbed once and said, “I never thought the price would be me.” He wrapped his arms around her and she cried into his shoulder for a moment. After a minute she looked up and smiled. He smiled back, “Get dressed, we’ve got to go to the Heaven Gate.”

He stood outside as she changed from her Pyjamas into Day clothes. He rooted through his pockets and found three metal objects. One was his coin, the doubled tailed silver dollar. He’d scratched a heart on one side a long time ago. It had ruined the value of the coin but he didn’t care about that. Everyone knew he had a double tailed coin but nobody knew about the heart. You’re such a hopeless romantic Jordan. The second item was a real coin. There was once a time when Jordan would have been happy to find two dollars in his pants, but now he just put the coin back in his pocket. The last was a small sword. It was a key ring. Or at least that’s what people thought. He tossed it into the air and it grew into a hollow sword. Evangileon, the sword of the Primarch. He slid the Eon Blade into the middle then the Pandora blade. Evangileon flashed as the Pandora Blade slid into place. He held just above his back and it turned into a gold mist. It flowed into his back and slowly became the Tattoo that usually held the Eon Blade. He sighed and pulled out the other coin. Heads I do, Tails I don’t. The coin spiralled high into the air as Jordan flicked it. But before he could catch it a hand shot out and grabbed it. He turned and saw Tania’s smiling face. “What’s the coin toss for?” He just shrugged and said, “Is it heads?” She looked at him in a condescending way. “Maybe if you hadn’t used the double tails coin so much I’d actually check.” He pointed at her clenched fist. “Real coin, and this time it really is chance.” She opened her fist and the Queens head glared up at both of them. Tania flicked the coin up and Jordan caught it out of reflex. “Wow, honesty for once, anyway we have to get going right?” Jordan didn’t reply but simply turned towards the door.

They both walked up the familiar path to the Heaven Gate. But when Tania rounded the Corner after Jordan she saw something she was not expecting. The Heaven Gate was open. “Jordan, shouldn’t you have shut that?” He turned around and she saw a sad smile spread across his face. “I opened it. And this Tania is where we say goodbye.” Tania dropped into a ready stance and tried to summon the Pandora Blade. “No, no that’s not what I meant.” Jordan covered his eyes with his hand. “Will you give me the benefit of the doubt before you try and kill me?” She stood out of the ready stance but still looked suspicious. “The gates are shut by the blades but the connection is held in place by them as well. As long as the blades exist in this world then we will have to fight. I can shut the door and keep those bastards out forever. We have to get rid of the sword from this place. And I have to go with them.” Tania’s mouth dropped. “What? Why, just throw the blades through.” Jordan shook his head and held out his hand. Evangileon dropped into it from nowhere. “Evangileon can cut through the dimensions regardless of whether or not a connection exists. I have to keep it out of the wrong hands.” Tania walked up and tried to take Evangileon. “I can’t let you do that Jordan. What about your friends and family, what about us?” Jordan became angry. “What about the people who will die if I don’t? Will you doom them to death so you can keep a friend in your life?!” She stopped, and stared off the side of the hill. “You’re the only other person who knows what it feels like to wield one of those blades. What they can do to you. Please don’t leave me alone with that.” Jordan stepped forward but stopped as Tania held up a hand. “Please Tania, I have to do this.” The turn was explosive and so was the reply. “No Jordan you don’t have to do this, you want to. The Eon blade has stirred up some wild desire for you to go around sacrificing yourself for others and you’re only too happy to oblige. The world has managed fine with these blades in it until now, why can’t it continue to have them!”

Jordan looked down at the sword grasped in his hands. It felt right, powerful he’d never felt this good. And yet something was still eating away at him. He stuck the sword in the ground and went over to beside Tania. “I want to leave because of you. I’ll never be happy with just friends and I thought that after all that we did then you might feel differently. But you don’t do you?” She looked at him, “You can’t leave because of me, can you?” Jordan ran a hand through his hair. “Tania it kills me to be with you knowing that I will never be able to be loved the way I love you. I can deal with it for a time and maybe I’ll get over it someday. But I’d rather not take the chance. At least I’ll be happy with the memories I do have.” Tania’s eye widened, “But, you’re still a teenager, you’ll get over me.” He smiled at her. “The Eon blade, it makes you believe that your love is righteous and pure and everything like that. And I’ve looked though the records, nobody ever gets over it.” He turned and picked up Evangileon. “I’m sorry you had to know. I…” His voice failed him and he kept walking.

“Jordan, please don’t go. I love you.” She hated herself as she said the words. She knew it wasn’t true and he would to. He stabbed the ground back into the ground and walked back over to her. He looked her right in the eye, his face an inch from hers. He kissed her lightly, only for an instant. “No you don’t.” He whispered. He turned back to the gate and started walking, he snatched up the sword as he went. He climbed the steps to the gate and hoisted the sword onto his shoulder. He was going to walk through but something stopped him. He turned back and pulled something out of his pocket. He rubbed it once and tossed it into the air. It glinted in the sun and Tania caught it easily. She opened her cupped hands and saw the eagle that was on Jordan’s Double Tails coin. “Careful with that he called.” She put the coin into her pocket still numb that he was really doing this. As he stepped through the gate he called back over his shoulder, “Catcha later Beautiful.” She opened her mouth to tell him to stop flirting but the gate snapped shut before she could say anything. She walked to the pedestal that opened the gate and slapped a hand on it. Nothing happened. She slapped a few more times. “He wasn’t kidding.” She looked at the hulking structure of the Heaven Gate and she sighed. “Why’d you have to go and be a hero?”

She sat down at the top of the gate and leaned against it. It was cool on the back of her head. She pulled out the coin. There was the Eagle polished to a shiny finish. She flipped it over and did a double take. There was a crude heart carved into the finish of the coin. She flipped it and it landed heart side up. She laughed softly to herself as she stood. Even when he was another dimension away he was still trying to flirt with her. She walked down the track away from the Heaven Gate and groaned, “How am I going to explain this to everyone?”

Jordan heard the Gate snap shut and turned to face what was ahead of him. Heaven was flat at the moment. Like a desert except with firm footing. He stepped forward into the unknown. Evangileon once again melted into the tattoo on his back. He smiled to himself as a howl split the air. A few seconds later three Heaven Hounds burst out of the ground towards him. His feet blurred as he spun to the right and the hounds jumped past. They turned and leapt again and this time he summoned Evangileon. It cut through the hounds and they crashed into the ground behind him. From that moment on he knew that he’d be a man of the sword for the rest of his days. But he was fine with that. Because he was dam good with a sword. 

- - - - - - -

Of course some of this might not make sense because your not me and don't understand some of the mechanics of the world that they live in. For instance why Tania was reassured by a flash of light. This is because the Eon Blade and Pandora Blade flash with energy every time they touch. And other stuff like that which I am to lazy to explain right now. 

I was surprised at how much I managed to write. And it will probably get longer knowing me. 

The truth hurts worse

than anything I could bring myself to do to you. But sometimes that doesn't matter. Because sometimes the worst thing you could do to me is have me wonder. Sometimes people want to know so badly that even if it's the answer they never want to hear, they can bare that, as long as they get the answer.

I'm not saying that the answer doesn't hurt. And I can't say that making them say it is satisfying. But sometimes you will kill yourself wanting to know. So much so that the pain you feel in the knowing is far outweighed in the time that you spend wondering.

And sometimes you get the answer you wanted just not in the way you expect. It happens a lot these days.

I feel better knowing I merited it at one point rather than never at all. Even if that point isn't in front of me.

I worry a lot. It's in my nature. But for now I don't have to worry about putting food on the table and feeding people and whether or not I'll make it through the week. I just have to worry about my computer not letting me play games. Which as it turns out has let me exercise my imagination better. Hence my big story concept.

That's my advice to you Micheal. Try not gaming for a day, a week. Don't just sit there in front of the computer. I felt better when I couldn't use it. I don't mean to sound new age preachy that computers are bad and steal your souls. Just try to use it less. For games at least.

And also. The Dark Knight is one long-ass film.

I hate inventing names.

It's harder than it sounds okay. To get the right name for the right character. That's why so many of the characters get their names and personalities recycled in my attempts at writing. Because once you have a name that fits the person it's hard to let it go for me.

I just hate inventing names. They never sound the way I want them to and they always end up sounding better if you just say the last name. I'm bitching because Tania withdrew her name. Urgh I'm such a whiner. Maybe I could just give her family a different last name. Problem solved. Except probably only I think about that this is a solution. It's just that the character is her, or my interpretation of her from what I have seen and heard. It just doesn't fit to me to give her a different name. The different last name would help but I'd always be tempted to change it back.

Oh well. Complications will arise, ensue and will be over come. Or I hope so because otherwise this is sunk before I've even started writing the actual story.

And for some reason I want my made up girl to be called Riven. Obviously a rip-off of League but who cares. I'm in hot water as it is, or rather my concept and I are in hot water.

Well.

Some interest was shown about the list of stuff the people got in the story so here's a list.

Tania- The Pandora Blade
Kerry and Chris- The twin crossbows Relentless and Reckoning
Rachel- The Venator. (It's a set of armor that makes you move faster)
Micheal- Hellborne (A cutlass and the blade could turn into a pistol)
Me- The Shield of the Just

And then somebody who I haven't decided gets the Eon Blade. I need another girl. The only invented character in the piece. Except for the fictional ancestor of Tania who gives her the dormant Pandora blade, but that's a minor characters so it's fine.

And after the whole I'm not sure if I want to give people stuff and make them do things. I have realized something. While the names may not necessarily be ones I invented and the characters are based on real people. They will still end up being mine. Because lets face it, these people are not going to get magical artifacts and have to fight dangerous creatures from other worlds. Although there are certain story arcs I do have to get permission for. It's not something most people take into account. If it ever gets big I will let people know and ask for opinions and permissions but right now it's mostly going to stay in my head and in my books.

Giant Creative overload.

Everything seemed to happen all at once. First I have the story I'm trying to write with Micheal, which has kinda fell on the backburner because of this. Second I have a story about an alternate realm where heaven and hell are different to what we realize them as. As such Demons and Angels are different from how we imagine them. The whole Phase story which is actually going well. And then we have my newest idea. The Pandora Blade.

It's actually weird because originally this wasn't actually an idea it was just me day dreaming. I ascribed characters to people in my life and gave them magical items. It got pretty big after a while as I started linking in back stories and creating events and altering things here and there and before I knew it... it actually has the most work done on it and is right now the most developed out of any concept. Although the joint story with Micheal still has the most work done on it.

I'm at an impasse right now. It's like what happened with the Phase story. I'm dubious about actually writing it, because right now all of the characters names are actually people I actually know. Like I said I just ascribed items to people and then ran with it. So I'm not confident that the people who get items will be happy with what they do and how it plays out for them and those that don't get items will be unhappy about not getting items. Of course this is all in the event that I actually get this finished and ever show it to anybody.

Plus in the first draft of a timeline I ended up killing half of my friends. And me coincidentally (Sorry main girl Character but you get to do all the hard stuff). So I have a choice. I can run with the story as it is under the assumption it will never be finished and be happy with that. Or I can invent characters and substitute for my friends. But that seems like a bit of corruption for some reason. I can't place it but I hate the very idea of changing this idea. I feel kind of protective of this idea because it something that just evolved from a day dream. I'm not selfish enough to claim all credit. History and the way my friends would react to situations play a big part in the idea. 

If I ever actually decide to do anything with it rest assured that I will ask your permission before using your name in anything.

If anybody is interested I'll post a shortlist of people who got stuff.

In other news... A long time ago I posted about identifying with things far to much. Actually it was this post. http://what-dont-i-know.blogspot.com/2011/10/come-walk-with-me-see-world-i-see.html Huzzah Hyperlinking. And now the reverse has happened. There were two teams that I was supporting in the latest round of the World Cyber Games. CDE and CLG. CLG was in the bronze final and CDE was in the gold final. And I'm delighted to say that both the times I wanted to win won. It was a reasonably pick-me-up compared to the last time I identified with teams.

And there we have it. Bop.

I'm still waiting on myself.

And I'm still getting frustrated. My computer still isn't working properly. Replacing the RAM might help but I don't want to shell out on two brand new RAM sticks. I thought I had enough problems as it is but this just seems to take the cake. It only wants to black screen of death as it is colloquially called when I'm playing games and so far that seems to be the only blessing. I've heard of people having black screens just because they were using the computer. I payed a lot of hard earned money for this computer. I don't want it to go to waste. I also don't want to have it professionally repaired because that costs a lot of money. I'm kinda stuck in a hard place.

Between this and my feelings and thinking about what I'm going to do in later life. It's slowly getting harder and harder for me to keep my temper in check. And it's slowly getting harder and harder for me to stop getting unbearably sad outside of when my temper overflows. Seems like I only have three emotional settings these days. Sad, angry or indifferent. All I wanted was a little surety. Is that to much to ask?

I can't live in the moment. I don't know what the moment is for.

And God. I know you don't read my blog but... oh who cares. You know anyway.

I have decided something.

Due to social considerations and my own better judgement I am not going to post any more of the Phase story. This is because I have not thought of an excellent enough way to explain various choices to people who might be offended by the direction I have taken in the story.

Addendum.

Here we go.

I apologize in the event that I have offended anyone writing about those events. While "Phase One" is almost a word for word description of events that have transpired between myself and Rachel and "Phase Two" does bare similarities to things that have happened between us. Also while one of the characters is heavily based on you Rachel I don't mean for you to be offended by anything said. Rachel please don't feel angry that I take the character based on you and have it make decisions and feelings that you do not or would not have placed in similar circumstances. The story was designed to be just something for me to do to pass the time, for me to loose myself in something that was familiar but not necessarily true.

Why did I post this on my blog instead of just sending it to Rachel. All my message systems seem to have fucked up at the same time. That's why.


Let the Phase story continue.

I think this is a hundred.

Well a hundred blog posts. Not all of them exactly meaningful but they were still posts. And I believe I promised you some writing. So her we go. It's called Phase 1. Phase 2 is currently in the works.

Phase 1

She was excited and I was terrified. I’m social enough usually, well by social I mean I talk to people and laugh at the appropriate moments. But this really wasn’t my thing. There were going to be huge amounts of people there, plus dancing. I can dance well enough, and that’s actually one of the defining features of me. People know me for my ability to dance. Usually that would instantly make me gay but having a girlfriend does tend to help defray these kinds of accusations. But anyway dancing in front of other people isn’t my thing. I don’t want to put myself out there like that.

I feel at home in formal clothing, wearing it in normal situations helps to set me apart from people. But I always added that small piece of street style. To roll up one of the shirt sleeves, stuff like that. But the down side of that is when people get dressed up for things like this ball, I look no different to normal. Except for the fact I keep my shirt sleeves down. In fact the only time I ever get remarks on my clothing is when I wear something that isn’t formal. People have actually gasped when seeing me in board shorts before, which I wear all the time at my house.

But me in formal clothing, looking completely normal for me, I was waiting at my girlfriend’s house. I’d been there for a long time, a few hours at least. But this would be the first time that I would see her fully dressed up with make-up and all.

And there she was, dressed in a pale green dress that perfectly matched her eyes at that point. I’m reliably informed and can confirm that her eyes do change colour. For a moment she was all I could see. People talk about how they say something so beautiful that it takes their breath away, well I could breathe fine. But I couldn’t take my eyes from her, like I was drinking all too readily in the sight of her. She had put glitter around her eyes and it trailed toward her temples tapering to a point somewhere in front of them. It made them stand out; it drew your attention, because those eyes were full of light and happiness. She was happy because she got a night of fun and laughter with her friends and me. What a pity she’d picked me. I think looking back at it that I made her night better and worse. Better because I was there, living in different places made it difficult to spend time with each other and every second was a blessing. And worse because we were doing something that I hated, and had made it plainly known. I should have been more responsive, or at least pretend that I was interested.

But where was I. Ah yes how beautiful she looked. I have never seen anything more beautiful. But when you look at it objectively I’ve only lived for 17 years. Theoretically I still have another 53 or more years to see more beautiful things. But so far… In a respect it was like putting me in board shorts. You just don’t expect it. Except with me and board shorts not much changes, I don’t mysteriously get more handsome because I’m wearing board shorts. Just like I preferred to spend my time in formal clothing she preferred to wear anything colourful, zany, a little bit odd, it matched her personality. If you know me well I don’t think full formal represents me. I’m just a little bit too silly for it. So when I saw the change from that zany colourful and slightly odd clothes to the formal dress. It was a bit shocking. But the silly little bashful smile reminded me that she was still the girl I remembered.

As she walked towards me I stepped forward and hugged her. “You look beautiful.” I whispered. Her smile grew a little wider as she whispered back, “Thanks.” And there was my mother making me feel more uncomfortable than what I already was. She wasn’t doing anything bad she was just being her, but that still didn’t stop me from being uncomfortable. But it was more out of apprehension rather than embarrassment. Mums are like that I think. They rarely every embarrass us but they do tend to look they’re going to at any moment. Photos because everybody loves photos of their kids dressed up. But I just looked like I normally did.

I had no jacket, that’s the one part of the formal attire I neither have nor think that I could pull off in public domains. So I never bought one and never thought to rent one for this event. A slight oversight on my part but then I would have complained at how uncomfortable it was. I hadn’t expected to enjoy it and I think that either way I would have somehow forced myself to find something to complain about. If you tell yourself something enough it becomes a truth.

We were going to be going to the Ball in a limo. And it was comfortable enough, as you expect a Limo to be. And it had drinks and a very loud sound system, something that the state of my ears attested to after the Limo ride. We got out halfway there to take a photo, as if I hadn’t had enough photos taken of me that night. I should really have made more out those moments. They were the easiest bit of the night.

When we arrived at the venue there were a lot of people milling around outside the doors. I didn’t feel any different, although I did start acting like a puppy and following her around. She was familiar, these people weren’t. And I’m not exactly the person who likes change the most. I objected vehemently to a holiday to Australia because something my parents planned involved people I don’t know. I also hated the idea of moving, because I had my house figured. I knew the perfect places to sit in the sun. I knew the places that I loved to be and the places that you should avoid. Plus the ball was in another city. It just seemed like the icing on the cake. I didn’t know anybody, it was a social situation and I had no idea where I was.

The ball was themed carnival. So there were a lot of stripes and one of the Teachers was dressed as a clown. Apparently this was her favourite teacher. Quite honestly I could see why. I mean I’d never heard him speak or seen him in any other situation but somehow you can just tell. I didn’t imagine her favourite teacher to be the kind who had their hands clasped and was gravely greeting people, just no.

And we got searched as we came in. I’ll be honest I wasn’t exactly expecting it. But I suppose in a bigger place than I’m used to they have problems that I’m just not used to. That and I was not and am still not familiar with these kinds of events. Maybe it’s normal. Maybe it’s not. You’ll have to ask somebody who’s not me.

The photographers were just setting up and people were handing their coats to the coat room and having numbers written in vivid on them, no fancy tickets here. But the two rooms were full of people already. I wondered how we were all going to fit judging on what I’d seen outside. But I exaggerated and it turned out that we were fine. But surprisingly it was easy to find a table. Well one side of one. I wasn’t hungry; we’d already eaten at her house before we came. But there was food. Not much compared to the people and I was sure that it would be gone pretty much instantly. I was right.

We sat down for most of that night. When I look back at it I feel bad that I ruined her night. She never asked to dance but somehow I could tell she wanted to. I think she was happy enough, being with me but I know that I could have made her happier. I could have an effort to be happy and try and get into the spirit of things. But it wouldn’t have been real.

But as much as I hated being there I loved the fact that I was with her and I would have gone to many more of those dam things just to be with her. I don’t think she knew that. We kissed, and I lied about the photos. Kissing her was definitely the easiest part of my night. It felt right at the time. Like something incredibly familiar and comforting. I also held her hand for most of the night, further reinforcing the puppy phenomenon that I was talking about before.

Looking back at it I regret some of what I did. But it’s done. So as her mother took me to the hotel where my parents were staying I was smiling. Not because I was out of that place. That quite honestly didn’t occur to me. I was happy because I had got to spend the night with her. And I fell asleep happy. Happy because I knew I’d left something at her house and I knew that I’d have to go back for it.

------

Now I should say that this is based on my life. And some people will recognize that, obviously. And slowly as my supposed short story series go's on it will become less about my experiences and more about fiction. Also it's a perspectives exercise. Maybe move from first person to his and her. Maybe names later. I don't like naming short story characters. I just get attached to them and try to make the story longer.

But anyway. There we have the promised writing.

Here we go.

Again. If my memory serves I said once that I would post writing here once every so often. And if my memory once again serves I've only done this once. So I've almost finished a short story and I'll post it soon. And not even Micheal knows what this ones about. Whooo mystery.

I'm closer than ever.

So why do I feel so far away. In previous holiday's I couldn't get into town to spend time with my friends. But now that I'm close. Just a 10-15 minute walk from town itself. And the walk itself isn't that strenuous. So why do I want to stay here and hide for the rest of the holidays?

The kind of friends that do well enough but don't actively seek each others company. That's what it's become. Mind you the circumstances don't help in any case. As far as I'm aware she doesn't even know where I live. Well ambiguity for the win. Or would I prefer this to be a war of attrition?

If I'm never your hero I can never let you down. And I've never been anyone's hero. I've never had that kind of chance and what happens when I do. I'll choke like I always do under pressure. Why do emotions have to be so complicated?

I've been reading a book called Brave new World. By somebody called Adoulous Huxley or something. But it's a dystopia novel, about how humanity will be controlled by pleasure. Their emotions are taken from them by the repetitions of pre-determined phrases that make them think things. So maybe it's better that emotions are so complicated. I'd rather feel Sad than nothing at all.

It's easy to float into my imagination now. I world I've begun to prefer. I can't write any of it. It's like a dream, you remember somethings but it doesn't make sense, it's not the full picture. And occasionally you remember something that is to weird for words or shakes you to your core. Something that nobody else can know.

People try to look at thing objectively. What they can get and how they can do it. Eventually everything become a commodity. But I can't do that. I seem to think that everything has worth, no matter what. Which I suppose is why I refused to let dad kill the birds who were keeping me up at night while in my wall. I'm squeamish, I play video games where death is usual but I can't stand the sight of anything dead in real life. I don't mind blood or cuts, or when the injuries on me. But when someone else gets hurt, emotionally or physically I can't stand it.

This was meant to help me think. But I just ended up more confused than when I started.

I feel like I've made a misstep somewhere.

Something's bugging me. Like some time in the immediate present, as in the last few days, I've made some incredible mistake that I should remedy. Unfortunately to find a remedy you have to know what's wrong. And I can't just try and fix it regardless. It's like asking for cough medicine when your foot is sore.

Sometimes I really fell like I'm not helping. I just end up making the person mad at me in addition to whatever they were before I tried to help. And I don't often get to help people. So maybe I should take the hint.

I know that I still have some feelings for most of the girls I've dated. But I'm possessive. And that's not something that many girls appreciate these days. I mean back in 1880 it was considered to be usual. But I don't live in 1880. And depending on the girl I would probably take them back if they asked. And sometimes I think about that. About what would happen if they did ask me to come back. It never goes anywhere because people aren't how I imagine them to be. Nobody ever conforms to how you picture them in your head. Even if you've known them for a very long time they will still surprise you somehow.

I'd like to think that somewhere out there, there's somebody who is perfect for me. And I'll freely admit I often hoped in a high school romance. But now I'm under no illusion, high school romances are for those who are either incredibly lucky or incredibly stupid. Lucky enough to find that one true love, or stupid enough to attach themselves to somebody who they think is. It's a toss up really. Are they really "The one" or is there somebody else somewhere out there that when you meet a choir of angels will just burst into song. I know that a high school romance isn't going to happen for me. But I just don't do casual. I can't just like somebody and then be expected to drop them like they were nothing. It's just something I can't do. I've seen it done and that's great for them. I'm sure that they'll have an enjoyable life picking up strangers in bars.

I'm not the easiest guy to be friends with. I can be petty, self absorbed, helpful, kind, empathetic, incredibly anti social and out there in your face. You really never know with me. I'm not the best at making friends either. When I meet new people I sometimes freeze up, I sometimes just say hi and then be aloof, and I sometimes jump head first into conversation. I'm at home in some conversations, like games or soccer, and will make everybody feel incredibly awkward in other situations. Maybe that's normal. Maybe it's not. I hate being left out and will often enough leave a conversation if I have nothing to say. I'm loud at times and far to quiet at others. I'm argumentative. I'm difficult, and I appreciate people putting up with me. Though I end up butting heads with most of them at many points in my life.

I hate doing things that don't interest me. I need to learn to force myself sometimes, because often enough I just end up staring at the ceiling when I'm meant to be working. I also hate being sick. In the holidays I don't spend a lot of time outside unless I'm working but I want to have the option open. When your sick your confined and I hate that feeling.

I also hate it that I have no idea who reads my blog. No wait that came out wrong. I know that Rachel and Micheal read it. And I have given the link to some other people. But they never comment on it so I have no idea if they read it or not. I don't know if Tania or Tamara read it to name a few. I know that Tania and Tamara have read it before but I don't know if they actively read it. That bugs me but I don't want to have to chase them up to force them to read it.

I miss the comforting feeling that I had when I was going out with Rachel. It's hard to describe and put into experiences that doesn't make it seem incredibly petty but I still miss it. I don't want to try to explain it. Because I'd prefer it remained a mystery even to me. I don't want it to be defined and categorized. Just that feeling of comfort and safety when your in another persons arms and you don't want to let go. Plus her hair smelled really nice and because of the height difference I could smell it whenever we were hugging.

Micheal wrote a post where he was completely honest. But while he was being honest to hurt people I'm just trying to be honest to myself. I don't mean to poke you with a stick Micheal it's just my viewpoint on what you did. You were brutally honest. I don't know why I wanted to write an honest post. Perhaps I've had to much of tip toeing around and hinting at information. I have no reason to now.

And I do think some people are good at heart. I think that some people never want to hurt you and kills them if they do. I think that some people are always looking for a way to help. They just muck it up sometimes or are never given the opportunity. 

I've just gotta get myself over me.

It's not other people that are the problem. Sure I've had the clinging problem in the past and I don't expect that it's gone yet. But It's me that has the problem. I know I'm not God's gift to man. I know that I may not be the best, or the most considerate, or the funniest. In fact I'm the equivalent of a Swiss army knife really. I do everything. A little of funny, a little of understanding friend. Just sometimes not very well. I have to start accepting that. That sometimes I'm really not suited to a situation. And that sometimes the situation will not change because you wish it will.

I want to forget sometimes, but that would change who I am. Experience makes us as much as anything. I just don't want it to change me into mopey guy. If you get what I mean by mopey guy. I'm not sure what to do with myself now. It all seems so distant. I'm not like depressed or anything. I'm not even sad. Just empty. I've felt like this before. I'm sure I have. I just can't place it. It's annoying now, because I'm going to spend the rest of the night trying desperately to remember where it all came from. Or rather where I've felt this before.

Can't think of anything cept the feeling. This post is gone.

Expectations

"I'm not looking for a relationship."Close enough to what I got told by Rachel. But I went ahead with it anyway and got exactly what I expected to get. It feels good to get it off my chest. I feel lighter.

I'd be lying if I said I felt fine about it. If I felt nothing then I'd be guilty of not having any affections in the first place. So I feel a little sad. But not expecting much kind of softened the blow, like a sort of padding was in place.

On the bright side I spent some of the day with a kitten. And Kittens are cute by default. Because they're kittens and cute makes most people feel better. Still pissed off at my computer not running some games properly. Especially League. I've spent days on that dam thing and I'd hate for it to go to waste.

I can't help but wonder if what I said changed what she thinks about me. I expected to get friend zoned,, because that's just the kind of guy I normally am. "Great/average friend, But I wouldn't date him."

Whoo fragmented thoughts. It's like poking a person doing a puzzle and seeing how they react. Whether or not they can keep solving the puzzle or they snap back at you. Like a beaten pet that tires of it's master. I didn't say dog because a dog can love even the cruelest master. And sometimes people are like that. It's the typical guy thing. (This of course has nothing to do with my situation, it's just where my train of thought went.) You know the whole Guy likes girl, girl goes out with total douchebag, guy is sad. And somehow despite the fact that he always seemed to be a total douchebag they continue to go out for reasons unknown to "guy".

"I've been waiting all this time to be something I can't define."
I've certainly been waiting for something to happen and I sure as hell have no idea what has happened or how that will effect me. And I'm slightly frustrated at that. I have no control over where I'm going or what I'm becoming. I just have to go with the flow and hope like hell I turn out okay.

It did seem a little ironic. After Asking and the such I decided to turn on my ipod and listen to my music on shuffle. The first song that comes up is "Should've when you could have." By Skillet. I did it, I took a chance, and it didn't work. Maybe I shouldn't have when I could have. But that's all speculative, nothing can be done about it now.

But what do I expect from life. Common courtesy from most people. The truth from my friends. A hug now and then. A cuddle even less frequently. Other than that I'm pretty much fine. You don't have to give me anything else. It's just things that I can't get for myself mostly.

Well that's me. I need to get to bed once in a while at least.

How do we expect prayers to be answered?

I've prayed for immaterial things before. Sometimes I received them. Sometimes I didn't. I'm not going to go through a long list of things that I've prayed for. That would reveal a considerable amount of information, some of it I'm not entirely comfortable releasing. But If i always pray and have no idea how to understand the results what am I supposed to do. People have told me i'm supposed to pray for meaningful things. On the other hand people have also told me that when you are in doubt or want something or need guidance you should pray. So how do I separate meaningful from unmeaningful? Nobody's ever told me that and I'm no closer to knowing the difference for myself. I've prayed for guidance over the girl. As far as I'm aware I've received none. But I have made a decision. So I suppose that could be considered Divine. That's been my problem I suppose. I never knew what to attribute to God and what to attribute to bad luck. Or rather luck in general.

Dammit Rachel why do you always do this. "You should listen to this band." I listen to the band. Download the album. Listen to it, like it. End up listening to it a lot. it's not necessarily a bad thing so I suppose the use of the word dammit was a bit harsh. I'm not even exasperated. It's just a situation I've found myself in twice and knowing her it's bound to happen again. And I'm completely fine with that.

I told Rachel who I liked. And now I'm debating whether or not I should I put this section in. It's already written in my head. But I'm odd like that. It's written and it may not even see the light of day.

I tried to uninstall my Anti-virus and replace it with the Microsoft version. No noticeable difference but it's from Microsoft and somehow that's more comforting than a mysterious external corporation. That went as well as stuff ever does. As in it didn't. I ended up not having antivirus for three days. But it's all fine now. I have antivirus.

Last exam tomorrow. And after that. I don't know what I'm going to do. I could do what I did last summer. Bum around and do nothing. But that seems defeatist. So I'll probably end up bumming around on the computer writing. I know my mum hates me spending so much time on the computer but still. I write the best on the computer as far as I can tell. Well I may not write best but I enjoy it the most. Mostly the rhythmic tap of the keys. It's somehow relaxing.

Saunders thinks that the kind of blog I write is silly. Public journal that is. But I like writing blogs and I have nothing else to write about. So keep your opinion Saunders. You don't read it, you don't want to and that's fine with me.

A letter to my future self

I got the idea from a friends status on Facebook.

Dear me.
Are you an author yet? A famous soccer player? An Architect? Working in videogames?
To be honest it doesn't really matter. Just so long as you did a  few simple things. First, kept hold of your friends. You had a really awesome group of friends back then. Don't waste that. Second manned up a little. I know that back then you felt a little overwhelmed and are inclined to be reactive. And that's fine. But just choose the things that really matter and be proactive about them. Whether it be a girl, a job, or anything. Just make sure that you go out and get it. Third. Be able to strike at least two things from that list. I don't care if they were the easiest things on that list. Just do it. You have the time right now and you had the time then. I hope you used it wisely. Fourth. Never live in fear of anything. I understand that so much depended on what you did back then. And that you had a right to be scared. But an admirable goal to strive for is to never be afraid of anything. It may seem stupid but I know that back then you were tired of living in fear. A little fear may be good but you never wanted any. I hope you strove for that goal. Because you'll never reach it entirely. Not in your life. But I hope that you tried. And last of all. Remembered that your nothing without the people around you. You were beginning to understand it back then.

Sincerely you.

You can just sit here and stare.

Or you can do something. But some days I prefer to just sit and stare. I'm not confident. But right now I don't care. It's almost like I'm tired of sitting on it. I'm so tired, I just want it to end. And in some ways, I just wish I'd had this attitude a long time ago.

I'm also tired of not writing. This is for my benefit now. I don't care if nobody ever reads it. I don't care if nothing meaningful gets done. I don't care. I just want something that is mine. Undeniably mine.

It's selfish. But I'm tired of trying to pander to other people to make them feel better. I try to be a friend and someone to talk to. But It seems like I'm just not treated that way. I'm just that mildly funny guy.

It's weird looking back at it. I said that I need other people in my life to be happy. I depend on them, and now I'm doing something completely for me. I think it's high time I did at least one thing for me. And I know some people that should do that as well. No names named. No small voices telling them. They don't get to know for now. Because if I'm not someone to talk to about serious stuff why would anyone listen. And I'd probably get backhanded for it. Not literally, a metaphoric backhand. To my metaphorical face. Although some of the people I wouldn't rule out an actual backhand.

I don't speak much sometimes. Because I feel that other people have more things to say that are more relevant. And what's the point in saying something if it has no purpose. There are times where I just end up blathering about anything. Most notably when I'm nervous. Or If I want to keep talking to someone.

Let's just wait and type. Just to see if anything jumps to mind. Except for the songs blaring in my headphones. Just Prison Break. That was a good series. Well the first series anyway. Nope nothing's jumping to mind except reloading sounds. Reloading of guns that would be. I've never heard it in real life except for a bolt action. But Video games are pretty realistic these days. The SPARTAN's in Halo Reach have excellent firearms discipline. Because whenever they change to the pistol they take the safety off. I dunno if they do that for the other guns because I've only ever played Zombies. "I LIED" I have played other game types. But not any that stick to mind. Unlike Zombies, which is all we play when I go to the MacKay's. That's not a complaint. It's just an observation. I was tempted to steal Tania's blanket today. Just tempted I didn't actually do it. But it was a nice blanket. I should get one. And a teddy. I said I'd get a teddy a while back and I never got round to it. I wonder what she will think when I tell her? I wonder if she'll realize that the blogs are referencing her? That's maybe a bit too hinty. Fuck it. It's staying. I wasn't planning on keeping it a secret much longer.

Still no sign-off.

It's high time...

And I wish it was. I said once to somebody very special that I enjoy being high up, away from the ground, away from everybody else who just meanders along. I enjoy the ability to look at everything in front of me when I'm above the ground. It makes me feel like I'm apart for a moment.

But the new house has no clear vantage point. It's built in a gully. So even If I did climb a tree then it doesn't work because all I get is the view of the gully sides and other trees.

I don't like my new house. And I want to go home. But I don't get that. Because despite the fact I grew up there, It's not my house anymore.

I want to tell her. But I think that would be inconsiderate. Seeing as she has exams, and so do I. And I don't want her performance in the exams to be lessened. Either by worrying about the question, or by paying more attention to me than her exams. But I want to tell her. I want to get rid of this stupid load off my chest. I want to stop acting a little awkward around her. But then if I tell her and she says no then it will make it more awkward.  I really don't think things through.

No sign off today. It's being changed again.

Does it?

There’s nothing to say that what I’m doing will have any bearing on anything ever. There’s no saying that spending time with her will actually make her want me more. There’s nothing to say that I will ever end up with her. But I want it. I want something to go my way. But I’ve been given that before and look how well that turned out. Come to think of it, it turned out rather well. Well as well as the situation could have warranted.

I still haven’t found my “girl” “friend”.  There has got to be a better way of signifying that. But no matter I shall persist. It’s not that I haven’t been looking It’s just that nobody seems to be right for it. The only person I can think of is the object of my most recent crush, which kind of gets rid of the whole Girl who is a Friend angle. Because obviously if I have a crush on her then I want to be a bit more than friends. 

Well I’m incredibly tired. And that’s weird because I got a good night’s sleep. My computer keeps crashing while I play league. Maybe if I update the drivers then that might help. Well that was confusing and not at all helpful. I’ll update later and chance it for now. Besides doing things to the computer is not at all helpful when tired.

Whooo. My parents berated me today for doing exactly what they said. I wasn’t being sarcastic or anything at the time either. She said that I needed to leave a note or tell her I was going. I left the note as instructed and then got in trouble when I told mum I was studying at the MacKay’s. I mean I went out to study and I left her a note. Later I found out that this was not what she meant and that If she was there I should let her know. I thought I could do one or the other. But nope Jordan’s wrong again. I love it when people assume I know these things

Sometimes I wonder. And to an extent wander. I walk around and just look at things. It puts me in kind of a detached mood. I don't often do it, I don't exactly take leave of my senses but it comes pretty close. And I've done some silly things while doing that. Decisions you don't entirely think through. 

Why is it? Why despite the fact I don't expect her to say yes that I continue to like her? If the affair is as doomed as I make it out then surely I should just sever all ties and then continue on. But I can't. I have no idea why. It's as if it just won't leave me alone. I just realized that sounds kind of silly. A feeling won't leave me alone. And yet it just is. I can't explain it more than that. Or I just don't want to. Sometimes part of the magic is the fact that you don't know. It's like having a secret admirer. You spend your days imagining what he or she looks like and why they don't want to tell you and when the truth is revealed, most times it's considerably less glamorous than what you imagined. Though I'm not ruling out that certain sometimes. Movies are based off something and very very rarely it happens just how you imagine it. 

I'm hoping I get that certain sometimes. 

In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!

My minds made up.

I will tell her after exams. That seems to be the best decision right now. I don't want to sit on it any more but I don't want to distract me or her. But that's assuming that it would actually distract her.

I over think things.

I don't download singular songs. I think it's messy. But if you look at my play count then you will find one song that gets listened to more than the others. I suppose that's just normal. Everyone gets attached to a song. Except in most cases it's from the top forty.

I heard somewhere that If you fall asleep thinking about someone they will dream of you. It's just something to give solace to a lovesick fool. But I can't help wishing it were true for a moment. Then you think. They's dream about you every night and then it might get crowded when other people dream about them. So while all fine in romantic theory it's impractical in reality. Like so many of those romantic throw away's.

Sometimes I wonder. If you tell yourself something over and over will it come true? Not like "the clouds are green". Because that's physical. But something more along the lines of say a crush. If you tell yourself that your in love, will you start to feel that way? And if you tell somebody else something enough will they start to feel it? It might be true for some people. It worked on me once. I think.

I've covered my friend houses that I visit now. I only visit Saunders, Micheal with any regularity. And occasionally the MacKay's and Tamara. And between the last two days I've been to them all.

None of my top 5 chat contacts are here. They have all mysteriously disappeared to wherever they are right now. Which is not Facebook. I want to cuddle someone romantically. Which I think I've said on here before. Yep it was quite recently.

Well nothing else to say.

In the name of the Emperor, finish this!

Because I was like "I need something to do"

BLOOOOG. So there is no real reason for this blog post just like any other of my blog posts really.

The practical upshot of this being I don't have the first clue what to write about.

Today was a great day. The best day I've had in a while. Not because it was particularly awesome and we stopped world domination by the evil super villain. It was just nice. It was a lazy day. I spent the first two hours in Drama blocking out our first scene. Then me and Micheal hung out with the exchange student for about and hour, maybe half. And as we were going to my house we got distracted by the MacKay's. An incredibly awesome family. So we spent the rest of the afternoon playing halo with them. It wasn't a particularly exciting day. It was just incredibly nice.

Well that's exhausted that avenue of writing. So yeah my day was great. And now I have nothing to say.

I can't find Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles Season 1 Episode 10 in English Dub to download anywhere on the internet. So there. That's what I'm actually doing at the moment. Looking for that one episode which seems to have escaped me. I'll see If I can lure out an admin on the site I was downloading the stuff from. If not. I'll see if a friend in america can help out with that.

Or I'll just get a different series. But then I will end up with a lot of half series. Anyway. Looking at the time I should probably get off soon. I need to get up early tomorrow. TO check out some things on the internet tomorrow. Things that I'm to lazy to check now. I am a very lazy person. But my confidence is building. Soon, I think soon. In all honesty I don't think she's ever considered me a romantic interest. And I fully expect to get friend zoned. But I can live with that. I don't think I've ever seriously thought it would actually happen. I just hoped. I still do. And Hope can sometimes work.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

We all...

We all feel down at some point. But why does my weird have to be when others are feeling down. I say my weird because I have no clue what direction it is. It certainly isn't up, I've been happier. And it certainly isn't down, I've been worse. But just because there are times that I've been better and times when I've been worse doesn't mean that It couldn't be a small improvement or the opposite of improvement. Dis provement? Well I still call it a weird because it's taken me to a place that is neither happy nor sad, It's kind of somewhat eccentric indifference. Where I'm fine where I go from here and I'm in a little eccentric mood. Hell I don't even know If I'm eccentric but it's the best word I've heard so far to describe the way I act sometimes.

I imagine scenarios that will never happen in my head. Things where I'm awesome and get the girl and stuff. It's harmless really but it's part of my psyche. The internet has now reverted to dial up speeds. Which annoys me. Because I'm almost out of anime to watch. Wait. No I'm not. I still have Familiar of Zero, Digimon and what I have of Beyblade. But I'm supposed to be studying. So maybe the reset is a good thing. I did study again.

I returned the NCEA disc my maths teacher lent me. And was going to wish a friend happy birthday, but unfortunately she wasn't there so I had to leave my birthday happy with her mother. That made more sense in my head.

Just think. One word. One single word and the secrets out. Or one tiny scrap of information and then somebody figures it out. My friends are smart. I never imagined that information and secrets were that fragile. Again I'm tempted to just throw it out there and hang the consequences. But then I think about how it looks. And then the temptation dies down and lies there. Ready for the next time I'm writing a blog or talking about this sort of stuff.

I feel like playing a third person shooter with an assault rifle. I used to love third person shooters. It gave me more character awareness. But now I like the first person character immersion. I should really find a list of free third person shooters and then download one. Ghost Recon online jumps to mind but it's still in british beta. Which is to say. In beta. But only in Britain.

And after looking into it. My options are wait for Ghost Recon. Or Resident Evil. Which involves walking backwards head shotting things. So not what I was hoping for.

Dance like your disappointed in the world. No real reason for that just another song lyric.

That's me.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!

What...

Why can I not seem to phrase things. Even in my own head it just escapes me. Like a breath of air, one minute it's there and the next it's vanished. Maybe never to be seen again. I've been watching a TV anime series named s-CRY-ed. It was Micheal's favorite series as a kid. I think it still is, well his favorite anime. It was darker than normal Anime. As if it was made for adults. But still I hated the ending. It just seemed to ruin it.

I'm to lazy to expound my complaints so you'll have to take my word for it or watch the series yourself. And somehow I doubt that your going to do that. Except Micheal who has seen them. Why is it that I'm more fascinated by anime than by my own family? Why have I become a semi-recluse? The notion isn't exactly a bad thing. Some days I'd love to be a recluse. Oh look at that the girl I like is on. Oh look at that she's gone. Facebook mobile has weeded out the people you actually want to talk to. Now it's just the Facebook stalkers and those who open it automatically. And me who has to open the chat function because I like my browser. And then there's the people you want to talk to but they only have a Facebook because everyone does.

I don't feel like I'm serious at the moment. And I don't feel like I'm being silly at the moment. Finally found tolerable metal. And I downloaded the Tangled soundtrack. Not sure why. I think it was just that one song. And I download Albums. Single songs is messy. Single songs is bad. I even organised what little singles I do have into a miscellaneous album. Whoo OCD. No it's not really. It's just habit and my hatred of an untidy desktop. No Idea where that one sprung from.

I can see people go down the stairs from where I am. That's nice. Not really. Just another observation. I did study today. In equal quality with my gaming. I'm proud of my restraint.

Why is the music world focused around sex, love, loss of love and party. Even the music I listen to. Except for Rise against. That's a generalization there but, It's a general consensus.

I want to cuddle a girl romantically. Is it that much to ask?

I Type to fast and the auto correct told me that what I had mistakenly put for romantically should be aromatically. But I see where it made the mistake.

The blog post is becoming more and more broken and fragmented., and me saying that it's becoming fragmented has made it more fragmented. Yay!

I'm just wondering if people other than Rachel and Micheal read this.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

I'll make the Angel scream and the Devil cry.

That's the lyrics from a song on Devil May Cry 4. I love that game. There's just so many ways to play as Dante. I'm glad I bought it. It's weird some days I do excellent at League and like today. I do shit. I'm not sure how to fix it except for practicing more. But I really don't feel like I want to anymore. I'll feel different maybe tomorrow or the next. And then I'll play again, and then it's down to luck. Oh shit my hood fell off. I'm wearing a hood under my headset.

It's been a bad year for my families cats. My cat "Badger" died. Sir Nuzzles "Simba" has gone missing, and we think that another "Danny" is gone to. So that leaves "Walter" the least social and uncuddlest of the cats. And I'm sad. It's just cats but sometimes I identified more with the cats than I did with some people. They all had personalities and traits just like people. I just want to sleep but I can't, so I rub my eyes and keep staring at the screen. Days like these I think it's pointless, but other days I'm shown that the world is still an interesting place if nothing else. I suddenly want nibbles. I'm hungry, but I want to keep writing.

I'm conceited. I know that. I'm arrogant. I know that. I can't do anything about that. Whenever I try it just ends up being worse. I want to be a better person, but I just end up hurting people around me. And that's worse than hurting myself.

Just looking at free FPS games. Sometimes I wonder how I got addicted to games. What happened so that sometimes I prefer to game than to socialize. What made it so that I can spend days on end at the computer?

Usually I can't stand Metal. But when it comes from the Devil May Cry soundtrack I seem to love it. I want to be anti social right now. It's kinda weird but I don't want to talk. I just want to sit here, in a place I control completely and sit here for a while.

I admire Nero from Devil May Cry 4. The fact that he could chase after a Girl for most of a game and not expect anything from her. He just wants to rescue her because he promised he did. He loves her and he doesn't stop.

Mind you I also admire Dante. The ability to make fun of anything and not be afraid of anything. The cocky gunsure attitude he exhibits. Sometimes I really wish I was like him. Sure some of my friends might not be my friends anymore but at least I'd be sure of myself.

And they are both bad-ass half devil demon slayers. And in my imagination I'd love to do that.

That's me I suppose.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

Here we stand.

Poised on the edge of all oblivion, but will we jump? Here we stand, but do we fall here? Here we stand but will we back down?

No idea what that was for. But I wrote it myself for no reason so I'm posting it for no reason.  I enjoy being impulsive. But lately I haven't. No wait. I still enjoy being impulsive but I don't seem to be being all that impulsive recently. I'm just tired. But schools out. A blessing and a curse. Blessing because I can sleep in and stay up late and game and stuff. Curse because I don't get to see her. That's right more stupid hints, or rather references to the girl I like. My blog has become scattered with them. And It's my blog so I do what I want.

Not much else to say. Bought "Devil May Cry 4"

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one." But if there is one thing this world has taught me is that some people don't believe in that anymore or ever did. I've started a visual verbal diary. Unfortunately as the scanner is broken you don't get to see the result of that. Maybe one day. When I get a better scanner. Or rather one that works.

One of the exchange students is moving away this weekend apparently. It's sad. He was awesome. He's the friend who bought me "Devil May Cry 4" on Steam. The awesomeness that is Steam. It's a very useful platform.

I've never been able to say "I slept through that" before. And now I have. I slept through a conversation about how the year tens at my school have become slutty and are all dating seniors. I'm not sure of the inflection on that sentence. Because it could be taken that the years tens have become slutty and that is why they are dating seniors. Or that they have become slutty by dating seniors. Or that the two are completely independent. That they are slutty as a general rule and now they are dating seniors.

I'm a very odd individual. I can't take serious things serious unless I have a vested interest in the situation. And I over think the very small things. And I have also forgotten what I was going to say. I'm brilliant like that. I have again been briefly tempted to just blurt out the girl I like. I'm sure that would satisfy some people. (If they actually read this)

I like my board shorts. This is amazing because I spent most of last summer in pants. I never really was a shorts guy. I only ever wore the sports shorts because otherwise I couldn't play. I need more pairs. I'm going to wear the few I do have into non-existence.

"Gogo sillyhat profile Pictures". It feels good to not take anything seriously. It's been tiring trying to focus about exams and be serious. Sometimes I wish my life was a video game. Not a silly one like the Sims. But something where I'm the hero and I get to save the world. At least then I'd know for sure what I was doing. Not to mention Games these days have awesome mechanics, like Nero's devil bringer from Devil May Cry 4. Or the Nano suit from Crysis. But that's assuming I'd be the hero in those worlds. But that's what my imagination is good for.

Even in games the world is seeming to beat things down. We were playing Urban Terror. A pretty cool game. But some asshole decides to ramp up the wave re spawn times for our team. So his can just spawn kill us to death. It pisses me off, I expect some dicking around. I mean on the internet you have to and LAN's not that much different. But seriously. That level of play?

I'm just tired and pissed off. I'm downloading a puzzle game. That might do me good. Stop me from just pissing around trying to do combos on Devil May Cry 4. It might actually excersise my brain. But I want to play with somebody else and Micheal has been distracted by his new Game. The Killing Floor. It's about zombies. Fun Fun.

I suppose that's enough for tonight.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

Whooa Mona Lisa, I'd pay to see you frown.

Except I probably wouldn't. I'd like things to stay the same and If they don't they have to go my way. It's selfish and I can't expect the world to conform with my view but it's mine. And I find I have to hold onto what's mine, even if it means ignoring reality.

Saunders is taking Rachel to the ball. Not as a date but out of usefulness. That's a pretty crass way of saying it and I had another way to say it but I forgot so I'm liable to remember and then suddenly type it out in the middle of a sentence. Anyway. He was afraid of the way I was going to react. But two things. First of all, I have no claim whatsoever to her except of being a friend. I'm really not entitled to an opinion on the let alone to make it known. Besides I'm completely fine with it. I have no qualms about it. There's no bad blood and she's perfectly entitled to go where she please with whom she pleases. That sounds slightly dismissive. It's just not my night for phraseology is it?

I'm not going to the ball. At Rachel's I was the fish out of water to put it mildly. I'm going to Micheal's for the night. Don't care what mum says. I'm going. Although he did say something about crashing something but I don't remember. Nor do I really care. I'll be fine. We did shit all the last time I went to his house but I still had fun.

I recently bought something on Steam. The online games platform. Well I say bought. In reality I actually gave some money to a friend and then he bought it with his credit card and gifted it to me. Steam is actually a really useful thing. It's like Xbox live for the computer. Well maybe not quite. But still. It's more useful than Uplay. Which is only good for Ubisoft games. Which you can get on steam. So, I dunno where I was going with this.

The champion rotation on League right now is almost perfect for me. Almost. There's a few I'd swap out but that rotation would probably be OP.

This week should be fun. School's almost out. Moving is almost done. I hope this turns out well. All things point to it.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!

My best Books

From the raging success that my favorite movies was... well I liked it. And from the title you might gather that I'm going tell you my favorite books. You don't want to read, well why are you reading this?

So here we go. Number five we have, this is odd. I can't think of one off the top of my head. I can think of the other four easy enough. But the fifth one is an odd one. Now that I think about it. Paper Towns, John Green. When I first read this I didn't like it because of the ending. I would quote something but I can't remember exactly what I said. But now that I think about it. It's real. You don't always get the girl. The ending encapsulates life better than a lot of Romance book's I've read. *Shrugs* I've read a few. Plus the story line was riveting and for my original problems with the very end the lead up to it was very well wrote.

Okey dokey. Here's the easier ones. Mort. Terry Pratchett.
Definitely one of the more funnier books I've ever read but I expect that from Terry Pratchett. The humor's my kind of humor. And you don't get many books with Death as a supporting character, let alone the depth that goes into this particular Death. And it had a happy ending. I'm a sucker for happy endings.

Three, Scarecrow, Matthew Reilly.
This is one of those seat of the pants adventures that never seems to let up for a minute. And I loved every Minute. I can sit down with this book and read it in one sitting. It's addictive, always a good quality in a book, something textbooks lack. And it features a tragic romance. The main character's girlfriend gets killed in a very brutal way. I didn't enjoy it but it was skillfully written and I had to admire the sequence for that.

Two is Christopher Paolini's Epic, Eragon.
Only the first book in the series. That's definitely my favorite out of the three soon to be four. I'm so stoked for the new book. Last in the series. But it makes you wonder what is he going to do after this?  It wasn't as seat of the pants as Scarecrow. More like an adventure with set goals rather than run and gun your way out of situations. And the change of pace makes you think more. Plus it has twists and turns like anything. And reoccurring plot elements for days. I love that.

Now my number one favorite book ever (so far).
Sundays at Tiffany's by James Patterson.
To be honest I'm not sure why I read this book for the first time. I think it was to show people that I wasn't as scary as my imposing stature suggests. At least that was the reasoning I more think that it was because I had never read any romance novels and I wanted to. It was about imaginary friends, something I never had. True story I never had an imaginary friend. I was just that loner baby. And in kindy Mum would come to pick me up and I'd be sitting with the girls instead of playing in the sandpit. And No I'm not gay. That's the story. I don't remember this sitting with girls. So I can't ratify it. Anyway. I liked it because it had a happy ending. The guy got the girl and vice a versa. But the story wasn't realistic because it had imaginary friends in it. So it didn't matter that the ending wasn't true. It was just a great book, in my opinion. Of course other people may think it's garbage. But the people who read this should at least read Sundays at Tiffany's. I thought it was brilliant and your reading this so while I have your attention I'm going to promote my views.

That's all for now.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

My ten Favorite Movies.

Well I've been meaning to do this for a while. And seeing as the top ten has just been jumbled I figured now is as good a time as any. So Here we go.

First up we have, "The Bucket List"

I just watched this movie today so it ended up bumping out the other movie. It's a movie about two people who make the most out of what time they have left. Kind of like I don't. Except I'm not diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don't use my time wisely however. So It taught me something. To much awkwardness at the hospital at the start for my liking. That's why it's at number ten.






Moving on we come to number nine, "Fearless"

The movie was originally shot in Chinese. I think. Does Jet Li come from China? I'm on the internet and I'm to lazy to find out. Anyway. This particular tale is about mastering yourself. It does involve fighting with kung fu which is always a plus among men but the lessons that the main character teaches aren't just about fighting.  Their about respect and fair play. But having to watch a dubbed version didn't make it that great because you could constantly see the lips not matching the words.





Okay. "500 Days of Summer" 8.

The first designated "Chick Flick" on my list. (I have two). I like this because it's honest. In real life the guy doesn't always get the girl. "This isn't a love story. This is a story about love." Plus like Micheal, I have a major celeb crush on Zooey Deschanel. I've heard it said she's a less slutty version of Katy Perry. But she came first so shouldn't that be Katy Perry is a sluttier version of her? It's at 8 because sometimes it just doesn't hit the sweet spots.





Wlololololol. 7, Equilibrium.

The acting was wooden most of the time. But in this case it accentuates the film rather than taking away from it. I mean I'm no movie critic but if the live in a place where emotion is outlawed the acting has to be wooden at some points. Some people just don't get that. Your supposed to want more from the characters in this. Your supposed to want to see them feel. Ahh ignorance. Some people enjoy it far to much. But the Gun Kata sequences where pure awesome and the narrative was very compelling. But while the wooden acting was necessary it was a bit distracting at some points.



7, no I just did seven. 6. Sherlock Holmes. The Robert Downey Jr. Version.

I always liked Holmes. He appealed to my sense of intellect and now he appeals to my sense of adventure. I like this version more than the others because Holmes was more eccentric and did things himself rather than relying on inspector Lestrade or whatever his name was. Plus Downey Jr and Jude Law are some of my favourite actors.






Number Five. Hurt Locker

Seeing as this beat out Avatar for best Movie it had to feature somewhere. And the Kings Speech isn't here because I haven't seen it yet. But anyhow. It's about war which again is mostly always a plus for guys. But It's about the other side. The side where they don't kill people always. They try and save them more often. It shows us most facets of active warfare in no glamorous light. And I admire it for that.




Music and Lyrics. Number 4

The second of my designated Chick Flicks. Hugh Grant seems to only ever do Romantic comedies. But it showed the other side of love. The bone headed determination to do anything, to get her back. I like that. I haven't shown it in my own life because the only people I ever wanted to get back had or have firmly moved away. So maybe one day. Plus it's about music. So that's cool.





Dadadadada na.... 3 V for Vendetta

Hugo Weaving is another of my favorite actors. I loved him in Lord of the rings but none of those stood so well on their own. So that's why their not here. And I loved him in the matrix. But they were mostly about beating people up. Good movies. But Not as good as these in my opinion. And you couldn't help but like V. He was an anti hero. Tortured, wronged and standing up. But didn't like Natalie Portman in this. That's why it's 3 not one.




Freedom begins with an act of "Defiance" Number 2.

Daniel Craig. Yet Another of my favorite actors. It seems odd my top two when you think that they are both Historical Drama's. (Brief hint at my favorite) War again so plus points with the guys. But it's more about the little man's struggle against something that is far bigger than what he is . But he continues to struggle and he refuses to back down. I think that's admirable. Again I've ever had to show this kind of thing in my real life.





And last and most important. My number one Favourite movie ever (So far)
Amazing Grace.

It's hard to say what I liked so much about this movie. It had a little bit of everything. Except shooting. Romance, intrigue, betrayal, political machinations.
And it was about a poignant point in history. And it was about one mans passion.
The passion to make life better.







Most of my favorite movies are my favorite because I identify or admire one of the characters. Or in some cases more than one. So there's my light hearted post. Makes a change from the deep ones.

In the name of the Emperor. Finish this!

Don't tell me I'm at fault

Don't chastise me for doing exactly what you told me to. We don't all jump to do what you say with all haste. I will do what you tell me to. Just give me breathing space.

Now that I've bitched about my father. I'm meant to be doing homework but I'm still pissed off with dad. But enough of that.

Rachel asked who the mystery girl was today. "I'm not confident. In fact I'm terrified." I got told a piece of advice and it makes sense. "If your not confident enough to pull a move then don't tell anybody." That's not exactly what Micheal said but close enough. Telling Rachel might not cause the biggest splash ever. But then again I'm still terrified. So nope.

I have listening to a song called Erecting a river. It's a remix of something with Team Fortress 2. The only problem with this is that I will now not recognize the actual song. It will always be this song. Okay apparently its Riverside by Sidney Sampson. But I have no Idea.

I am easily procrasstinateable if that's a word. I am made to procrastinate easily. Or I'm just Lazy. I'm inclined to think I'm lazy. And my mouth runs away from me. So when I don't achieve as well as I could have then I've dug a hole and then I have to sit in it. Mixing metaphors there.

Is all cats do eat and sleep. Because that's all I ever see my cats do. And I'm jealous of it. Being human just has to many drama's some times. And today is no exception. Dad ruined my day. It was going well. I'm enjoying days more. And I'm getting more out of them.

I would drop more hints about my crush. But I can't be bothered to create anything cryptic. So "nope".

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

There's someone you should meet.

Meet my big ass mouth. It's got me into trouble countless times and out of it sometimes as well. Today I was cleaning out my old closet and I found some of my old toys. Major nostalgia moment. Like the teddy bear with no ear from where my brother cut it off with a pair of scissors. I never cried more from what I can remember. I'm not claiming I didn't cry as a kid, but that's the most I remember crying. And a Beyblade. I used to love that show as a kid. Along with digimon. So much so that I started to watch Beyblade on the internet.

Oh look at that. Toc's on skype. Just a guy from Chipper. I can actually say that because he really is from Chipper. At least that's where I met him. I've finished downloading Digimon. So that's cool. But instead of watching it I get to learn drama lines, blog and do art homework. And drink Illicit venom. Which is nice. 

Three facebook tabs open for some reason. It's weird to see the progression of status'. 

I just slowly get more and more distracted as the time goes on. That's why this blog is so disjointed. No more illicit. Probably a good thing. 

I'm really tempted to put the name of my crush on here and see what happens. Mind you I'm not exactly feeling sound of mind. So this is probably a bad idea. Yeah logic. The information of that could cause destruction on a worldwide scale. :P

Found my watch. Spent some time looking at something Rachel gave me. More nostalgia. I seem to nostalgia everywhere these days.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!