A clusterfuck of ideas thoughts and feelings.

Maybe you're scared that I'll poison the well. I don't blame you. I've done it twice already. Maybe you just want me to slowly fade out of your life but like an unpleasant wound I just keep resurfacing.

It took me so long to admit I had problems I don't want to admit to them being worse than I feared.

I feel like they could do so much more with Destiny. It's a fantastic universe that I want to know so much more about but they keep drip feeding us and it doesn't make sense. I would have so many question yet my character stays silent.

Everyday I wake up with so many things I should do and in the end I barely function. There must be more than this. There must be. Otherwise what are we for?

If you are part of a group and the majority disagrees with you. How many things do you except before breaking? I have many different beliefs and ideas but I don't want to voice them for fear of being cast out. But I've cast myself out anyway. So in the end does it matter.

Nano particulate adapters. I had an idea for this but it's gone fuzzy now.

Writing is a chore now, Sport is effort, games are just going through the motions. I don't enjoy much anymore. Friends. I enjoy being with them.

I should shower and shave. And get a haircut. But I have a real job. According to some people I have my life together. A jury rigged surface can only hold so much.

I have far to many cascades left in my pocket, I mean drawer.

I might start transcribing my little black book. At the very least it will give me something to do. I've changed a lot though, it's not me. Not anymore, rather the journey of how I got to here from when I came to wellington. A lot like this the time between writing slowly grows.

Yes lets. A trip down memory lane. To make me see my growing pains.

You can never be perfect.

Perfection goal that changes, never stops moving. Can chase, cannot catch.

That is a quote from Abathur, from Starcraft 2. And in many ways it exemplifies humans. Or at least it exemplifies my view of humans.  Humans have this knack for wanting more than we have. Sometimes it's rooted in jealousy, other times greed. Maybe even just a desire to improve but it seems to be there in all of us.

You can look at others struggling forward and you think "why though?" They seen to have it perfect what more is there to chase. But the moment you attain something close to what they have then you see more, want more. That's why you can never catch perfection. Because in taking a step towards it you realize that it takes you further from something and reveals something else to strive for.

We can never be perfect. But still. I intend to try my damndest to come close.

Sometimes I think about Kassie

I have no doubt that I made the right decision. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't leave a bad taste in my mouth.