I think...

That's new. Jordan thinks. Anyway I think that in most situations, when something goes wrong we should always blame ourselves. Now before you dismiss me offhand let me explain myself. In any given situation you will have to make choices(here we go with the choices thing again) to make. These choices range in topic, like from relationships to what to eat. And these choices will take place over a variety of time periods, like the split second decision when you just decide something and the long drawn out thought process that eventually results in a decision. Small fact, I've used both of these techniques to come to a decision about asking girls out. Only one of them worked. But you will also have time later when you reflect on these choices, mostly when sleeping or about to sleep. And when you decide that something has gone wrong, you shouldn't look at anyone's faults but your own. This may seem narrow but in my experience it helps. You consider what you did wrong and you can do to fix this. Only after you have identified your own faults, so much so that if someone blames you for something you can say that you have already considered this, then you may proceed to critique others performance. Offer advice and help by all means, but try to be fully aware of your own faults first. And if someone does bring something that you have not considered to your attention then make sure to look at it. To summaries this way of thinking "look inwards before consider outwards." besides it makes you a hell of a lot less susceptible to insults if you already know what they are probably going to say. I know that adjusting to a new way of thinking isn't always a good thing. And this way of thinking doesn't always work. I'm living proof of that. But when I'm frustrated at something I will take the time to examine the problem and my role in it. And usually I come to a helpful conclusion. Still haven't tried tackling arrogance and self doubt yet. And I'm not looking forward to it. The two are really intertwined. Maybe one day I'll let you know the results of that.

Planetside2. Finally.

I'm in the beta for planetside 2. And I'm a little frightened that it won't live up to my hype. I have looked at trailers, gone through forums, speculated, hell I've practically salivated over this thing. So what do I do if it's not what I expect? Curl up most likely. Probably go play kingdom hearts. It's a good game but it shows it's age a little. Like many games I think they should re-render the game with the latest titles engine. So that the original game is a little more polished. That's just my wishful thinking however. If a game is good but has retro graphics I will still play it. Just because looks should not take away from the merit of the game. The same way looks should not take away from the merit of a girl. However I am guilty of taking looks to far into account in my appraisal of girls. Thankfully a lot of the people I take interest in have great personalities as well. So so far the situation has not deteriorated that much. I should probably stop doing that however, my luck can only last so long.

I'm happy and sad. Happy because we finally won a game. Sad because I'm still not quite emotionally whole. I'm still reeling a bit from my grandma's death. I'm not doing as well as I thought I would and im not doing as well as people around me are led
To believe. Maybe I should get rid of my new slight dependence on video games. They help, they distract me. If you can find a truly immersive game the. It will do you wonders.
It will take stress away and leave you relaxed. at least in my experience. But the immersion is
The dependent thing. It needs to be immersive, you need to care, it needs to come to the front of your mind for the time when you pick up the controller or lay hands on the mouse and keyboard. For that moment it should occupy most of your attention. At least that's how I deal with my problems. You may have something different.

Daisy

Daisy, daisy give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. Except... I'm not. Someone said to me that if I wanted something I should reach for it no matter what the cost was. Or maybe I said that to me, it sounds like something I'd say. But what's the point in reaching for something that is always looking the other way. I like kassie well enough, she's a good friend but I'm not looking for more than that from her. I'm don't know who I'm looking for. It's like I expect some princess to need my help and cue story time. I still want you but I don't want you as much as I did want you. If that makes any sense at all. My brain is turning to mush. I can't form cohesive sentances I can't say things correctly. It's weird to even consider that I'm slowly turning into a babbling wreak. It won't be a stylish marriage, it won't be a marriage at all. I'd say I'm not looking for love but I'm not looking for something to throw away. And people wonder why I play video games so much. The objectives are clear cut, you do this this this and then you win. I don't have objectives there is no plan there isn't anything except me blundering around looking for happiness. And it seems in short supply. I'm sorry. This is just me complaaining. I will warn you in future if it's one of these posts.

My thoughts (from iPod at midnight)

On Gay Marriage.

Now before I start I would like to say to things. One, if you are reading this you either like me enough to listen to this or you care about the issue. Either is fine. The second is that I personally have no stance on this issue. I do not care if gay people do or do not get the right to marry.

Right, now that I'm done with that time to get down to the meat and bones of the question. Should gay people gain the right to marry? First of all, gay does not mean homosexual, nor is homo short for homosexual. Gay is a synonym for happy and homo is a prefix meaning man or the same. I am slightly tired of people using these terms. If you are going to put a label on someone do it properly. 

Next the definition of marriage. At it's loosest definition this means a connection, between two people for various reasons, love, connections. That sort of thing. So when this loose definition is applied here I see no problem. It's when specifics are introduced, particularly of biblical nature that things become restricting for the homosexual couple. The version of the bible that I was using did not have a section dedicated to marriage, so if someone on the "anti gay"side could point me to that I would be much obliged, but it does specifically say wife. 

Staying inside the real of the biblical  someone has cited the example of Sodom and Gommorah. Sodom of course being the basis for the word sodomy which has some discrepancies in its meaning. Suffice it to say that it has some relevance but ultimately a small amount. The point that this person was making was that Sodom and Gommorah were punished for this act of anal intercourse. This is somewhat true but ultimately misguided from my point of view, the punishment was not for anal intercourse, or rather not solely for this intercourse.The other sins were things like oral sex and intercourse with animals. You can say what you will about whether or not this has much to do with any lack of consent but that is simply fine print that I choose not to read into. The crucial point here being that being gay was not the only reason that these people were punished, there were other factors and it is not known how much of a factor this was in Sodom and Gommorah's destruction. 

There are other biblical arguments I could state such as the every popular, "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." but I've had enough of the bible for now. It's bad enough that some people force it down others throats, now it gets dragged into this argument. Mind you it has caused wars before. Now for the law. My understanding of the law as it reads today is that it says that marriage consists of a man and a woman who are unmarried at the time and are over 18. Now this is fairly clear cut and as our good friend the bible states that you should respect the laws of the land. Not try to change them. 

I will find citations for this at some point I promise. 

I have also heard stories about people who have come to the church gay, renounced their "evil" ways and had a family. However in my opinion this is not something inherent in the religion itself, rather the way it is taught. Nowhere aside from Sodom and Gommorah, to my knowledge, does God or Jesus speak out or act against gays. In fact when considered in a different light some of Jesus' teachings could be considered homoerotic. 

Now I am normally a heavily opinionated young man. If you tell me something chances are I will have something to say about it. But in this case I heard opinions before I could formulate my own. As such the opinions were corrupted and not purely mine. I am not gay, but nor do I discriminate against them, I have a gay friend. Which is incidentally where I got the firsthand knowledge of the whole church going repentance story. 

The other reason why I have no opinion on this topic is that  it does not affect me. I am not gay, thus I have no need for a law change. The way I perceive a marriage will not change. I have always perceived couples as couples regardless of their marital state. The married couple are simply more attached to each other, to borrow a gaming metaphor, they leveled up couple status. And surely if homosexuals have lived with these unwholesome titles and names like fag and queer then I think they can get by without marriage. Just my thought.

On the whole I have no reasons not to change the law, two dads or moms may make just as good of parents as a father and a mother. Provided the child was happy and learnt the necessary skills like potty training and such then the upbringing was a success. 

However on the whole I have no reason to allow the law change either. A system is in place, a system that has some flaws and defects but is essentially sound. Some tweaks to this system would accomplish almost exactly what a law change would. 

So while opinions abound and as do arguments I sit here apathetic and confident that the entire debate is in fact a waste of time.

Ctrl Alt Del

Normally I'd be using this combination to check out CPU usage and other cool nerdy stuff. But it's actually a website that is nice.
http://www.cad-comic.com
It's about games and movies and there is a webcomic. And it's the webcomic that kinda freaks me out. I look at Ethan the main character and subconsciously draw parallels. I know that I'm only a little like him but still without care I could well become someone like him only less. Because a doppelganger is never as good as the original, no matter what the story is.

But then what do I do. It's hard to concentrate since I ran out of Ritalin. I don't want to go and get more because the doctor will just ask me to go to a psychiatrist to try and get rid of some work ethic and latent anger issues. Yes I have trouble working productively and I get angry a lot. I just counter that with my hyperactivity. At least so far that's what has happened. I'm not so sure it will work with a desk job. I'm stuck in a cycle where I want to do better, improve slightly then slump back to where I was. I want to make some inspiring speech about how I will rise above my competition and all that stuff but I just won't unfortunately. The cycle will continue.

A quote

"Homosexuality is a choice the same way that breathing is a choice."
Why did I want to write a blog post about that. Because of the word "choice." There's always a choice. Imagine your life is a game. One of those role playing games with that bioware does so well. Mass Effect and Dragon Age being the most notable. And you have what's called a dialogue wheel. A wheel of choices of what you can say and do. But if you play that kind of game like me there is always one kind of way that you will act. I always try to be nice and save everyone but I still choose the bad choices sometimes just because they are there. It's like that in life. (Because my parallels are only good when they are based on games) There is the way you act, the choice on your dialogue wheel that you will always choose. But the other way to act, that other dialogue choice will always be there for you to one day maybe use.

So there is a choice.
A choice between what you should always do according to character., and what can be done but is not something that would be done by you but can be done. The choice between socieites normal and whatever weird brand of crazy you are. Because everyone is crazy in one way or another.

It also depends on how you define being a homosexual. Is it just the fact that you like other men or is it actively being in a relationship. Personally based on what I've seen of gay people is that it's the later. So liking men makes you gay. But what happens when despite this longing society still forces them into having a heterosexual relationship. Does this mean that you are bisexual? Obviously not. So does this mean that I was wrong? That homosexuality is an absolute for those who are? Not entirely. You can choose to ignore those urges, and pursue a life that won't be affected by your apparent wrong sexuality. Or you can ignore it. There is always a choice. But sometimes the choice is not a choice at all.

Define:Nostalgia

1. A sentimental longing for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

Oh Rachel look what has happened to me. I don't blame you for the way I feel right now. It was great to actually talk. But these things just happens. I figure that as soon as I move into another relationship then these moments of nostalgia will go away. And come back once I'm on the other side. Pessimism and apathy. My two greatest sins. A big sigh as more memories roll through my head. A pessimist optimist. Where all I can invent are the ways for things to go badly wrong and yet I have a thoroughly shaken but still standing belief in mankind. Maybe a pessimistic idealist, because all of the things that I hold to are ideals. That love always prevails, cruelty will be erased one day. It's essentially Christianity with no savior, humanism I think. I'm not sure what to believe. I think that given the chance humans can right their wrongs. Every person can. There are many reasons not to think and feel as I do and I don't think other people will. Wars and cruelty, exploitation. But I still have a hollow belief in humanity. And I cling to it as if it where a ship. Battered and bruised, held together by spit and prayers. Which is ironic because this is about god which I've all but said I don't believe in any of the gods out there. I think this is the largest digression I've ever managed.  Maybe it is. And I probably shouldn't have fed the nostalgia by going through old folders. I need to Marshall thoughts on something. I need to decide and prove to myself something. That I don't discriminate needlessly. I need time though. Just a bit of time.