Guess what... It's Christmas.

But it's not like everyone didn't already know that. Even babies know that something's going down because they receive a lot of stuffed animals and other clothing items. Because you can't get a baby much else. But still... While I enjoy getting presents as much as the next guy, and I do enjoy shopping for other people as much as shopping for myself. I don't share the philosophy about Jesus' birth. It may or may not have been the birth of the Christ and that's fine with me, but I personally see no point in celebrating it. It's like celebrating the birthday of Bill Gates because he practically invented the most used computer operating software. Bill Gates did something for me but I don't celebrate his birthday.

Admittedly Jesus did do a lot more for people than Bill Gates did. And his contribution spans a larger time span.

I speak flippantly about all this because I want to care more, But I don't. I see some people going to Christmas services and I think "Good for you." I have been brought up in a household and religion that doesn't really emphasize Christmas. I mean being born is nice for the savior of the world but seeing as he's not around to receive the gifts its not emphasized. I'm being flippant again.

I think being flippant about religion is my way of deflecting questions about it. I feel uncomfortable because I'm not certain about it. It's easy to not answer if your not sure of yourself. At least that's how I see it.

I've asked for help for people but their methods don't seem to be doing it for me. Maybe this really is one of these things that you can only do for yourself.

Give me a day and I will make it.

Seize the day. But my seizing happens to be getting bored of something then going into town. I lead a very boring life. But mind you that is a lot of people's life's. I just wish I wasn't so dissatisfied with it.

I was reading Brave New World. It's quite a scary notion when you look at it in it's entirety. When the entire world is controlled by what makes them feel good. When the idea of a family is repulsive and you are encouraged to sleep around. It just goes against everything that I think of as right and decent. And yet they justify it with a few simple words. And somewhere I agree with them. If pleasure was controlled then what could we do? Fell grumpy for the rest of our lives. It's inhumane and just plain wrong. But it would work. That's the problem with a lot of plans these days. They will work, but in some way or another they will violate some human right that somebody sometime wrote that people should have. In a way it's annoying that people get in the way of progress like that. But if we don't get in the way of industrial progress then we just end up with no resources. Bureaucracy does have some uses it seems.

It's the same way that war has it's uses. If the planet is getting overcrowded then inevitably a war will start and reduce the total population. I'm not saying it's good. But sometimes its necessary. I think I've written about this before.

I got a new mouse and it has made me better at games. It looks badass so I feel more confident while using it. That's actually a marketing strategy. If it looks cool and performs as well as other things will in it's field then it will generally sell. It's a confidence booster. You don't necessarily do any better but you feel better doing it. Same thing with clothes. A suit is a suit to me but apparently the brand is important. And people think and act superior if their clothes are more expensive than yours. Unless their a nice person but you have outliers everywhere.

Mind block...

Some Days.

Some days I think that you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. And some days I realize... I'm probably right.

To lazy to think of title.

Wikipedia tells me that dreams are the subconscious speaking to us. If that's the case then either my subconscious likes League as much as I do or it's gone to hell. It does get rather disconcerting when you're eaten by a video game character in your dreams. And you don't often get a situation that basically tells you even you don't know what you want, even in dreams. But then again it does reassure me of my imagination a little bit. I don't often get eaten by things so I consider it good that I can conjure an approximation of what it feels like to be eaten. Not something many people consider to be a good thing but... well this is me.

"This is me." How often have I uttered those words and expected people to know precisely what I meant by it. But I'm still learning what it means to be me. I come across as aloof sometimes and I don't mean to be. It's just that sometimes I don't have anything to say, or a way to say what I want to. And I wouldn't expect people to hang around me when they have nothing to say to me. So by my own logic I don't hang around people when I have nothing to say. This is offset by the fact that I enjoy some peoples company. I will act like a mute idiot around some people if it means that I get to spend time around them. But that doesn't work in one on one situations. And also situations where I feel completely and totally uncomfortable. New people for one, I mean new people are great once I get to know them but I sometimes seem a bit prickly and awkward. And given the option of a situation where I am uncomfortable and Comfortable I will take the Comfort every time. I want to say that if I really want to that I can just solider through the discomfort. But I can't I'll just scurry back to where I'm comfortable. And that's just me trying to explain my aloofness. There's a lot more about me that I can't explain. My arrogance... well that I can explain. I'm insecure. I thought that if I seemed sure of myself then I would become more sure of myself. I thought that if I pretended long enough then eventually it would be true. But it hasn't really. I've just ended up arrogant and self conscious of my failings. I show modesty to oversell myself and if I fail then I just say, "Well I did say I wasn't great at this."

And sometimes I wonder how my mind manages to go from a dream to my own failings. I'm unique, "Unique here having the meaning broken." I'm self destructive. I think of the worst outcomes of a situation.

Dammit it's just been a poor me post. I hate it when I just moan about my problems.

Well this was interesting to be short about it

Here is the proposed ending of my Pandora Blade story. Of course nothing is finalized. But it was odd that the ending seemed so clear to me. Like it was always going to happen this way. None of the decisions made by any characters represent real life feelings(just sayin).

- - - - - - - -

Tania awoke with a start. There was a face above her and she unthinkingly snapped the Pandora Blade up at it. If she aimed just below it then she could cut the artery, to cut the entire head off was a waste of energy. Only three months with this blade and I’ve already learned that it’s wasteful to cut off the head, I’m slashing at heads that appear in the dark. There was a clang and a flash of light. Tania instantly relaxed as she saw the light. She knew it was Jordan now, trust him to try and scare her like that. Jordan smiled and said, “Morning Beautiful.” Tania smiled back. “Didn’t I tell you to stop calling me that?” He shrugged as he said, “Maybe. Am I not allowed to remark on a beautiful woman?” She groaned, “Get a girlfriend Jordan.” “It’s not through lack of trying Tania.” He took his blade from hers and it melted into his arm. As he turned the tattoo was there shining on his back. She traced a finger over the lines through his shirt. “Does it always glow when you do that?” He turned around and frowned at it. “Not normally, but nothing seems to be wrong so I’ll run with it.”

He sat down on the bed next to her. “Out of all the places I thought I’d go in three months I didn’t think it would be your bedroom at three in the morning.” She hit him in the chest and he laughed. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. But still it’s hard to believe that we’ve adapted to this life so easily. I mean three months ago how would you have reacted if I’d showed up in your bedroom at this time of night?” She brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around it the sword now pointing at the ceiling. “I don’t know. It’s like these months have been years, I’m so far from the person I was back then It’s like their a stranger.” He looked her straight in the eyes. “You’re still Tania, nothing can change that, not the blade, not what we’ve been through.” He looked haunting in the moonlight, like half of his face was completely missing. She was tempted for a moment to reach out and see if his face really was there. “But I’m slowly changing what it means to be me. Jordan for all your honeyed words I’m still not the same person I was back then.” Jordan slowly placed a hand on hers, the one holding the Pandora Blade. With slow and deliberate movements he unwound each individual finger from the grip. “So what if you could take it all back, what if you could become what you were back then?” She looked at him then her fingers involuntarily tightened on the sword. He looked at that and said softly. “Can you answer without holding onto the sword? I want the answer from you, not you and it.”

She slowly let it go and Jordan stood back. She clenched her now empty fist. It seemed wrong to be without the sword, it had become part of her. But she’d never needed it before. “I don’t know Jordan. The choice would have to be right in front of me.” Flipping the Pandora blade so it was held out handle first he said, “Well now it is.” She looked at him, “You’re saying that you can undo what we did? But that’s impossible, not even…” “Tania, I can undo what the sword did to you, not what we did. We will always have saved the world. I’m just asking you if you want to keep doing it.” She smiled at him and reached for the sword, “It was a pretty good feeling.” He jerked the sword back. “I’m asking you to think for yourself Tania. For once don’t be privy to the feelings that thing invokes in you.” She snatched the blade and swung at his head. He swayed backwards but the blade still sliced a line on one side of his face. The Eon Blade seemed to move of its own accord and slapped the Pandora Blade out of Tania’s hand. Suddenly his face was next to hers, “Do you understand why I can’t let you keep the blade now?” The blood dripping down his face seemed to glow in the moonlight. “Not everyone’s as fast as me and it won’t always be me you’re threatening. We both got told if we took up these blades we’d lose something.” Tania looked at the blood as it fell from his face like a teardrop. She sobbed once and said, “I never thought the price would be me.” He wrapped his arms around her and she cried into his shoulder for a moment. After a minute she looked up and smiled. He smiled back, “Get dressed, we’ve got to go to the Heaven Gate.”

He stood outside as she changed from her Pyjamas into Day clothes. He rooted through his pockets and found three metal objects. One was his coin, the doubled tailed silver dollar. He’d scratched a heart on one side a long time ago. It had ruined the value of the coin but he didn’t care about that. Everyone knew he had a double tailed coin but nobody knew about the heart. You’re such a hopeless romantic Jordan. The second item was a real coin. There was once a time when Jordan would have been happy to find two dollars in his pants, but now he just put the coin back in his pocket. The last was a small sword. It was a key ring. Or at least that’s what people thought. He tossed it into the air and it grew into a hollow sword. Evangileon, the sword of the Primarch. He slid the Eon Blade into the middle then the Pandora blade. Evangileon flashed as the Pandora Blade slid into place. He held just above his back and it turned into a gold mist. It flowed into his back and slowly became the Tattoo that usually held the Eon Blade. He sighed and pulled out the other coin. Heads I do, Tails I don’t. The coin spiralled high into the air as Jordan flicked it. But before he could catch it a hand shot out and grabbed it. He turned and saw Tania’s smiling face. “What’s the coin toss for?” He just shrugged and said, “Is it heads?” She looked at him in a condescending way. “Maybe if you hadn’t used the double tails coin so much I’d actually check.” He pointed at her clenched fist. “Real coin, and this time it really is chance.” She opened her fist and the Queens head glared up at both of them. Tania flicked the coin up and Jordan caught it out of reflex. “Wow, honesty for once, anyway we have to get going right?” Jordan didn’t reply but simply turned towards the door.

They both walked up the familiar path to the Heaven Gate. But when Tania rounded the Corner after Jordan she saw something she was not expecting. The Heaven Gate was open. “Jordan, shouldn’t you have shut that?” He turned around and she saw a sad smile spread across his face. “I opened it. And this Tania is where we say goodbye.” Tania dropped into a ready stance and tried to summon the Pandora Blade. “No, no that’s not what I meant.” Jordan covered his eyes with his hand. “Will you give me the benefit of the doubt before you try and kill me?” She stood out of the ready stance but still looked suspicious. “The gates are shut by the blades but the connection is held in place by them as well. As long as the blades exist in this world then we will have to fight. I can shut the door and keep those bastards out forever. We have to get rid of the sword from this place. And I have to go with them.” Tania’s mouth dropped. “What? Why, just throw the blades through.” Jordan shook his head and held out his hand. Evangileon dropped into it from nowhere. “Evangileon can cut through the dimensions regardless of whether or not a connection exists. I have to keep it out of the wrong hands.” Tania walked up and tried to take Evangileon. “I can’t let you do that Jordan. What about your friends and family, what about us?” Jordan became angry. “What about the people who will die if I don’t? Will you doom them to death so you can keep a friend in your life?!” She stopped, and stared off the side of the hill. “You’re the only other person who knows what it feels like to wield one of those blades. What they can do to you. Please don’t leave me alone with that.” Jordan stepped forward but stopped as Tania held up a hand. “Please Tania, I have to do this.” The turn was explosive and so was the reply. “No Jordan you don’t have to do this, you want to. The Eon blade has stirred up some wild desire for you to go around sacrificing yourself for others and you’re only too happy to oblige. The world has managed fine with these blades in it until now, why can’t it continue to have them!”

Jordan looked down at the sword grasped in his hands. It felt right, powerful he’d never felt this good. And yet something was still eating away at him. He stuck the sword in the ground and went over to beside Tania. “I want to leave because of you. I’ll never be happy with just friends and I thought that after all that we did then you might feel differently. But you don’t do you?” She looked at him, “You can’t leave because of me, can you?” Jordan ran a hand through his hair. “Tania it kills me to be with you knowing that I will never be able to be loved the way I love you. I can deal with it for a time and maybe I’ll get over it someday. But I’d rather not take the chance. At least I’ll be happy with the memories I do have.” Tania’s eye widened, “But, you’re still a teenager, you’ll get over me.” He smiled at her. “The Eon blade, it makes you believe that your love is righteous and pure and everything like that. And I’ve looked though the records, nobody ever gets over it.” He turned and picked up Evangileon. “I’m sorry you had to know. I…” His voice failed him and he kept walking.

“Jordan, please don’t go. I love you.” She hated herself as she said the words. She knew it wasn’t true and he would to. He stabbed the ground back into the ground and walked back over to her. He looked her right in the eye, his face an inch from hers. He kissed her lightly, only for an instant. “No you don’t.” He whispered. He turned back to the gate and started walking, he snatched up the sword as he went. He climbed the steps to the gate and hoisted the sword onto his shoulder. He was going to walk through but something stopped him. He turned back and pulled something out of his pocket. He rubbed it once and tossed it into the air. It glinted in the sun and Tania caught it easily. She opened her cupped hands and saw the eagle that was on Jordan’s Double Tails coin. “Careful with that he called.” She put the coin into her pocket still numb that he was really doing this. As he stepped through the gate he called back over his shoulder, “Catcha later Beautiful.” She opened her mouth to tell him to stop flirting but the gate snapped shut before she could say anything. She walked to the pedestal that opened the gate and slapped a hand on it. Nothing happened. She slapped a few more times. “He wasn’t kidding.” She looked at the hulking structure of the Heaven Gate and she sighed. “Why’d you have to go and be a hero?”

She sat down at the top of the gate and leaned against it. It was cool on the back of her head. She pulled out the coin. There was the Eagle polished to a shiny finish. She flipped it over and did a double take. There was a crude heart carved into the finish of the coin. She flipped it and it landed heart side up. She laughed softly to herself as she stood. Even when he was another dimension away he was still trying to flirt with her. She walked down the track away from the Heaven Gate and groaned, “How am I going to explain this to everyone?”

Jordan heard the Gate snap shut and turned to face what was ahead of him. Heaven was flat at the moment. Like a desert except with firm footing. He stepped forward into the unknown. Evangileon once again melted into the tattoo on his back. He smiled to himself as a howl split the air. A few seconds later three Heaven Hounds burst out of the ground towards him. His feet blurred as he spun to the right and the hounds jumped past. They turned and leapt again and this time he summoned Evangileon. It cut through the hounds and they crashed into the ground behind him. From that moment on he knew that he’d be a man of the sword for the rest of his days. But he was fine with that. Because he was dam good with a sword. 

- - - - - - -

Of course some of this might not make sense because your not me and don't understand some of the mechanics of the world that they live in. For instance why Tania was reassured by a flash of light. This is because the Eon Blade and Pandora Blade flash with energy every time they touch. And other stuff like that which I am to lazy to explain right now. 

I was surprised at how much I managed to write. And it will probably get longer knowing me. 

The truth hurts worse

than anything I could bring myself to do to you. But sometimes that doesn't matter. Because sometimes the worst thing you could do to me is have me wonder. Sometimes people want to know so badly that even if it's the answer they never want to hear, they can bare that, as long as they get the answer.

I'm not saying that the answer doesn't hurt. And I can't say that making them say it is satisfying. But sometimes you will kill yourself wanting to know. So much so that the pain you feel in the knowing is far outweighed in the time that you spend wondering.

And sometimes you get the answer you wanted just not in the way you expect. It happens a lot these days.

I feel better knowing I merited it at one point rather than never at all. Even if that point isn't in front of me.

I worry a lot. It's in my nature. But for now I don't have to worry about putting food on the table and feeding people and whether or not I'll make it through the week. I just have to worry about my computer not letting me play games. Which as it turns out has let me exercise my imagination better. Hence my big story concept.

That's my advice to you Micheal. Try not gaming for a day, a week. Don't just sit there in front of the computer. I felt better when I couldn't use it. I don't mean to sound new age preachy that computers are bad and steal your souls. Just try to use it less. For games at least.

And also. The Dark Knight is one long-ass film.

I hate inventing names.

It's harder than it sounds okay. To get the right name for the right character. That's why so many of the characters get their names and personalities recycled in my attempts at writing. Because once you have a name that fits the person it's hard to let it go for me.

I just hate inventing names. They never sound the way I want them to and they always end up sounding better if you just say the last name. I'm bitching because Tania withdrew her name. Urgh I'm such a whiner. Maybe I could just give her family a different last name. Problem solved. Except probably only I think about that this is a solution. It's just that the character is her, or my interpretation of her from what I have seen and heard. It just doesn't fit to me to give her a different name. The different last name would help but I'd always be tempted to change it back.

Oh well. Complications will arise, ensue and will be over come. Or I hope so because otherwise this is sunk before I've even started writing the actual story.

And for some reason I want my made up girl to be called Riven. Obviously a rip-off of League but who cares. I'm in hot water as it is, or rather my concept and I are in hot water.

Well.

Some interest was shown about the list of stuff the people got in the story so here's a list.

Tania- The Pandora Blade
Kerry and Chris- The twin crossbows Relentless and Reckoning
Rachel- The Venator. (It's a set of armor that makes you move faster)
Micheal- Hellborne (A cutlass and the blade could turn into a pistol)
Me- The Shield of the Just

And then somebody who I haven't decided gets the Eon Blade. I need another girl. The only invented character in the piece. Except for the fictional ancestor of Tania who gives her the dormant Pandora blade, but that's a minor characters so it's fine.

And after the whole I'm not sure if I want to give people stuff and make them do things. I have realized something. While the names may not necessarily be ones I invented and the characters are based on real people. They will still end up being mine. Because lets face it, these people are not going to get magical artifacts and have to fight dangerous creatures from other worlds. Although there are certain story arcs I do have to get permission for. It's not something most people take into account. If it ever gets big I will let people know and ask for opinions and permissions but right now it's mostly going to stay in my head and in my books.

Giant Creative overload.

Everything seemed to happen all at once. First I have the story I'm trying to write with Micheal, which has kinda fell on the backburner because of this. Second I have a story about an alternate realm where heaven and hell are different to what we realize them as. As such Demons and Angels are different from how we imagine them. The whole Phase story which is actually going well. And then we have my newest idea. The Pandora Blade.

It's actually weird because originally this wasn't actually an idea it was just me day dreaming. I ascribed characters to people in my life and gave them magical items. It got pretty big after a while as I started linking in back stories and creating events and altering things here and there and before I knew it... it actually has the most work done on it and is right now the most developed out of any concept. Although the joint story with Micheal still has the most work done on it.

I'm at an impasse right now. It's like what happened with the Phase story. I'm dubious about actually writing it, because right now all of the characters names are actually people I actually know. Like I said I just ascribed items to people and then ran with it. So I'm not confident that the people who get items will be happy with what they do and how it plays out for them and those that don't get items will be unhappy about not getting items. Of course this is all in the event that I actually get this finished and ever show it to anybody.

Plus in the first draft of a timeline I ended up killing half of my friends. And me coincidentally (Sorry main girl Character but you get to do all the hard stuff). So I have a choice. I can run with the story as it is under the assumption it will never be finished and be happy with that. Or I can invent characters and substitute for my friends. But that seems like a bit of corruption for some reason. I can't place it but I hate the very idea of changing this idea. I feel kind of protective of this idea because it something that just evolved from a day dream. I'm not selfish enough to claim all credit. History and the way my friends would react to situations play a big part in the idea. 

If I ever actually decide to do anything with it rest assured that I will ask your permission before using your name in anything.

If anybody is interested I'll post a shortlist of people who got stuff.

In other news... A long time ago I posted about identifying with things far to much. Actually it was this post. http://what-dont-i-know.blogspot.com/2011/10/come-walk-with-me-see-world-i-see.html Huzzah Hyperlinking. And now the reverse has happened. There were two teams that I was supporting in the latest round of the World Cyber Games. CDE and CLG. CLG was in the bronze final and CDE was in the gold final. And I'm delighted to say that both the times I wanted to win won. It was a reasonably pick-me-up compared to the last time I identified with teams.

And there we have it. Bop.

I'm still waiting on myself.

And I'm still getting frustrated. My computer still isn't working properly. Replacing the RAM might help but I don't want to shell out on two brand new RAM sticks. I thought I had enough problems as it is but this just seems to take the cake. It only wants to black screen of death as it is colloquially called when I'm playing games and so far that seems to be the only blessing. I've heard of people having black screens just because they were using the computer. I payed a lot of hard earned money for this computer. I don't want it to go to waste. I also don't want to have it professionally repaired because that costs a lot of money. I'm kinda stuck in a hard place.

Between this and my feelings and thinking about what I'm going to do in later life. It's slowly getting harder and harder for me to keep my temper in check. And it's slowly getting harder and harder for me to stop getting unbearably sad outside of when my temper overflows. Seems like I only have three emotional settings these days. Sad, angry or indifferent. All I wanted was a little surety. Is that to much to ask?

I can't live in the moment. I don't know what the moment is for.

And God. I know you don't read my blog but... oh who cares. You know anyway.

I have decided something.

Due to social considerations and my own better judgement I am not going to post any more of the Phase story. This is because I have not thought of an excellent enough way to explain various choices to people who might be offended by the direction I have taken in the story.

Addendum.

Here we go.

I apologize in the event that I have offended anyone writing about those events. While "Phase One" is almost a word for word description of events that have transpired between myself and Rachel and "Phase Two" does bare similarities to things that have happened between us. Also while one of the characters is heavily based on you Rachel I don't mean for you to be offended by anything said. Rachel please don't feel angry that I take the character based on you and have it make decisions and feelings that you do not or would not have placed in similar circumstances. The story was designed to be just something for me to do to pass the time, for me to loose myself in something that was familiar but not necessarily true.

Why did I post this on my blog instead of just sending it to Rachel. All my message systems seem to have fucked up at the same time. That's why.


Let the Phase story continue.

I think this is a hundred.

Well a hundred blog posts. Not all of them exactly meaningful but they were still posts. And I believe I promised you some writing. So her we go. It's called Phase 1. Phase 2 is currently in the works.

Phase 1

She was excited and I was terrified. I’m social enough usually, well by social I mean I talk to people and laugh at the appropriate moments. But this really wasn’t my thing. There were going to be huge amounts of people there, plus dancing. I can dance well enough, and that’s actually one of the defining features of me. People know me for my ability to dance. Usually that would instantly make me gay but having a girlfriend does tend to help defray these kinds of accusations. But anyway dancing in front of other people isn’t my thing. I don’t want to put myself out there like that.

I feel at home in formal clothing, wearing it in normal situations helps to set me apart from people. But I always added that small piece of street style. To roll up one of the shirt sleeves, stuff like that. But the down side of that is when people get dressed up for things like this ball, I look no different to normal. Except for the fact I keep my shirt sleeves down. In fact the only time I ever get remarks on my clothing is when I wear something that isn’t formal. People have actually gasped when seeing me in board shorts before, which I wear all the time at my house.

But me in formal clothing, looking completely normal for me, I was waiting at my girlfriend’s house. I’d been there for a long time, a few hours at least. But this would be the first time that I would see her fully dressed up with make-up and all.

And there she was, dressed in a pale green dress that perfectly matched her eyes at that point. I’m reliably informed and can confirm that her eyes do change colour. For a moment she was all I could see. People talk about how they say something so beautiful that it takes their breath away, well I could breathe fine. But I couldn’t take my eyes from her, like I was drinking all too readily in the sight of her. She had put glitter around her eyes and it trailed toward her temples tapering to a point somewhere in front of them. It made them stand out; it drew your attention, because those eyes were full of light and happiness. She was happy because she got a night of fun and laughter with her friends and me. What a pity she’d picked me. I think looking back at it that I made her night better and worse. Better because I was there, living in different places made it difficult to spend time with each other and every second was a blessing. And worse because we were doing something that I hated, and had made it plainly known. I should have been more responsive, or at least pretend that I was interested.

But where was I. Ah yes how beautiful she looked. I have never seen anything more beautiful. But when you look at it objectively I’ve only lived for 17 years. Theoretically I still have another 53 or more years to see more beautiful things. But so far… In a respect it was like putting me in board shorts. You just don’t expect it. Except with me and board shorts not much changes, I don’t mysteriously get more handsome because I’m wearing board shorts. Just like I preferred to spend my time in formal clothing she preferred to wear anything colourful, zany, a little bit odd, it matched her personality. If you know me well I don’t think full formal represents me. I’m just a little bit too silly for it. So when I saw the change from that zany colourful and slightly odd clothes to the formal dress. It was a bit shocking. But the silly little bashful smile reminded me that she was still the girl I remembered.

As she walked towards me I stepped forward and hugged her. “You look beautiful.” I whispered. Her smile grew a little wider as she whispered back, “Thanks.” And there was my mother making me feel more uncomfortable than what I already was. She wasn’t doing anything bad she was just being her, but that still didn’t stop me from being uncomfortable. But it was more out of apprehension rather than embarrassment. Mums are like that I think. They rarely every embarrass us but they do tend to look they’re going to at any moment. Photos because everybody loves photos of their kids dressed up. But I just looked like I normally did.

I had no jacket, that’s the one part of the formal attire I neither have nor think that I could pull off in public domains. So I never bought one and never thought to rent one for this event. A slight oversight on my part but then I would have complained at how uncomfortable it was. I hadn’t expected to enjoy it and I think that either way I would have somehow forced myself to find something to complain about. If you tell yourself something enough it becomes a truth.

We were going to be going to the Ball in a limo. And it was comfortable enough, as you expect a Limo to be. And it had drinks and a very loud sound system, something that the state of my ears attested to after the Limo ride. We got out halfway there to take a photo, as if I hadn’t had enough photos taken of me that night. I should really have made more out those moments. They were the easiest bit of the night.

When we arrived at the venue there were a lot of people milling around outside the doors. I didn’t feel any different, although I did start acting like a puppy and following her around. She was familiar, these people weren’t. And I’m not exactly the person who likes change the most. I objected vehemently to a holiday to Australia because something my parents planned involved people I don’t know. I also hated the idea of moving, because I had my house figured. I knew the perfect places to sit in the sun. I knew the places that I loved to be and the places that you should avoid. Plus the ball was in another city. It just seemed like the icing on the cake. I didn’t know anybody, it was a social situation and I had no idea where I was.

The ball was themed carnival. So there were a lot of stripes and one of the Teachers was dressed as a clown. Apparently this was her favourite teacher. Quite honestly I could see why. I mean I’d never heard him speak or seen him in any other situation but somehow you can just tell. I didn’t imagine her favourite teacher to be the kind who had their hands clasped and was gravely greeting people, just no.

And we got searched as we came in. I’ll be honest I wasn’t exactly expecting it. But I suppose in a bigger place than I’m used to they have problems that I’m just not used to. That and I was not and am still not familiar with these kinds of events. Maybe it’s normal. Maybe it’s not. You’ll have to ask somebody who’s not me.

The photographers were just setting up and people were handing their coats to the coat room and having numbers written in vivid on them, no fancy tickets here. But the two rooms were full of people already. I wondered how we were all going to fit judging on what I’d seen outside. But I exaggerated and it turned out that we were fine. But surprisingly it was easy to find a table. Well one side of one. I wasn’t hungry; we’d already eaten at her house before we came. But there was food. Not much compared to the people and I was sure that it would be gone pretty much instantly. I was right.

We sat down for most of that night. When I look back at it I feel bad that I ruined her night. She never asked to dance but somehow I could tell she wanted to. I think she was happy enough, being with me but I know that I could have made her happier. I could have an effort to be happy and try and get into the spirit of things. But it wouldn’t have been real.

But as much as I hated being there I loved the fact that I was with her and I would have gone to many more of those dam things just to be with her. I don’t think she knew that. We kissed, and I lied about the photos. Kissing her was definitely the easiest part of my night. It felt right at the time. Like something incredibly familiar and comforting. I also held her hand for most of the night, further reinforcing the puppy phenomenon that I was talking about before.

Looking back at it I regret some of what I did. But it’s done. So as her mother took me to the hotel where my parents were staying I was smiling. Not because I was out of that place. That quite honestly didn’t occur to me. I was happy because I had got to spend the night with her. And I fell asleep happy. Happy because I knew I’d left something at her house and I knew that I’d have to go back for it.

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Now I should say that this is based on my life. And some people will recognize that, obviously. And slowly as my supposed short story series go's on it will become less about my experiences and more about fiction. Also it's a perspectives exercise. Maybe move from first person to his and her. Maybe names later. I don't like naming short story characters. I just get attached to them and try to make the story longer.

But anyway. There we have the promised writing.

Here we go.

Again. If my memory serves I said once that I would post writing here once every so often. And if my memory once again serves I've only done this once. So I've almost finished a short story and I'll post it soon. And not even Micheal knows what this ones about. Whooo mystery.

I'm closer than ever.

So why do I feel so far away. In previous holiday's I couldn't get into town to spend time with my friends. But now that I'm close. Just a 10-15 minute walk from town itself. And the walk itself isn't that strenuous. So why do I want to stay here and hide for the rest of the holidays?

The kind of friends that do well enough but don't actively seek each others company. That's what it's become. Mind you the circumstances don't help in any case. As far as I'm aware she doesn't even know where I live. Well ambiguity for the win. Or would I prefer this to be a war of attrition?

If I'm never your hero I can never let you down. And I've never been anyone's hero. I've never had that kind of chance and what happens when I do. I'll choke like I always do under pressure. Why do emotions have to be so complicated?

I've been reading a book called Brave new World. By somebody called Adoulous Huxley or something. But it's a dystopia novel, about how humanity will be controlled by pleasure. Their emotions are taken from them by the repetitions of pre-determined phrases that make them think things. So maybe it's better that emotions are so complicated. I'd rather feel Sad than nothing at all.

It's easy to float into my imagination now. I world I've begun to prefer. I can't write any of it. It's like a dream, you remember somethings but it doesn't make sense, it's not the full picture. And occasionally you remember something that is to weird for words or shakes you to your core. Something that nobody else can know.

People try to look at thing objectively. What they can get and how they can do it. Eventually everything become a commodity. But I can't do that. I seem to think that everything has worth, no matter what. Which I suppose is why I refused to let dad kill the birds who were keeping me up at night while in my wall. I'm squeamish, I play video games where death is usual but I can't stand the sight of anything dead in real life. I don't mind blood or cuts, or when the injuries on me. But when someone else gets hurt, emotionally or physically I can't stand it.

This was meant to help me think. But I just ended up more confused than when I started.