Chamber the Catridge

I've listened to Rise Against's album "The Sufferer and the Witness". I never used to like it but now I listen to it ever second album. I've taken up what a friend does and have started listening to albums as opposed to songs. It's kind of weird having to listen to tracks that you would normally skip over. It gives you a certain appreciation for what you once spurned.

It's also odd listening to the song at full volume and then pausing it. You come back and suddenly your ears are besieged with noise. None of the songs are particularly poignant. Like Panic! At the Disco I ascribe meaning to what they sing. This is just fast and loud. Rise Against sing about animal cruelty and suicide and stuff and support many good causes but to me their music will only ever be something to listen to when I feel bad or angry. It's unfair on their music, but I can't ascribe the meaning they meant to it.

I suppose that's a symptom of it being hard rock. That's all Hard Rock has ever been to me.

I want to write something heartfelt and that shows my vocabulary and shows something about me. But I can't write. The past few weeks I've tried. I've really tried but I can't write like I used to. I could spend hours ironing out characters and places and events and story lines. But now I just sit there and start writing nothing and everything. It's gone from saving the world and defeating evil to seeing if you can spell another word with the letters in "Penis". I feel immature and sad and also incredibly angry at myself. What happened to me? What robbed me of my silver tongue? Why can't I write? WHY CAN'T I WRITE!?

I've lost my last retreat. I can't even fall back on the wolds I create. It was said once in a movie called Inkheart "Being a writer can be perilous. Eventually you prefer the company of the worlds you create to the one you live in." Well now I can't even live in a world that I control when things go wrong. I can't create, I can't destroy. What i'd thought of is just stuck in my mind. Staying still never moving. Trapped where I left them last. It's worse than murder. It's living what's only happened rather than moving forward, even if when moving forward you look back.

I feel sorry for the characters I've invented. I'm sorry that despite what complexities I made in your character I could never give anyone a happy ending. I couldn't give you an ending at all.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this! (If I only I could)

Music

Simple title but then again I didn't exactly intend this to be a long post. And now that I think about the topic's name sounds kinda silly.

"Happy songs". It sounds silly to me. But then again... so do I. And people tolerate me. So I'm going to just charge right in and stop me if it's offensive. Oh wait you can't. You just stop reading then.

Music has been a constant companion throughout all of my ups and downs. I don't know who I'd be without it. I'm not saying I'm a music junkie. I have what some people call a very narrow taste. Restricted to mostly pop rock and rock. But only a certain kind of pop rock. Panic! At the Disco and the such. But I branch out for specific artists. But it's mostly going to be impossible to nail down my music tastes entirely. Not liking that's easy. Rap, Gangsta. Most metal. If there's no "Death Growls" I'm fine with it.

But anyway. "Happy Songs" I have a few that can be relied upon no matter whats wrong to lift my mood. These are inclusive of but not restricted to, Galaxies - Owl City,  Last Night - Good Charlotte,  Good Life - One Republic,  Ready to go (Get me out of my mind) - Panic! At the Disco,  When the Day met the Night - Panic! At the Disco,  Bigger Scars make Better Stories - Search the City,  Talk to me - Abandon. I should make a playlist out of these and tell my friends to play it to me when I look despondent. Now there's an Idea. It seems odd for a second that playing one song will make me feel better. But then I remember. This is me.

And I commend whoever did the music for the dominion game mode. It is fantastic. Fast paced, frantic matches the game entirely.

Now struggling for more music related things to talk about. My ex, actually fuck that. She has a name. Rachel, it's not like the connection can be made. First you'd have to know who I am, second you'd have to know her. anyway. Rachel showed me a link to a new song by Fun. and the video was just really weird. It was a girl waking up, peeling an apple and falling asleep. Then I read that it wasn't the official video. And frankly thank you music gods. Because that video was terrible.

Now I've run dry of music. I'm living in the moment. For the... minute. I was going to say moment then I was like. No that sounds silly. I shall endeavor to have some more writing done for the next post.

Where do they get the names for these things. Why call it a post. Am I posting a letter to the internet. Why was it called a blog. I'm not complaining really I just want to know. Some homework for me there. I shall try to find that stuff out before the next post. But no promises. Same with the writing. I know me. ANd I have the attention span of a really short attention span endowed person.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

Zeal and Fury are rewarded with victory.

If only it was that simple. You can't win a war of words with Zeal and Fury. You can't win someones heart with Zeal and Fury. Well Zeal maybe. Fury definitely not. Unless it's saving them from a dark alley and a strange man but I digress.

My mother is showing double standards again. She said I could finish my game, then five minutes later she comes in and unplugs the internet and tells me to get up for a reading. You lied to me mother. And I hate that.

I feel like sleeping for a month but I don't have the time. Makes me wonder why I waste it on writing blogs. And then a few seconds later I answer my question with, it makes me feel better. I have no clue why it does it just does. I'm sure I'll come up with a reason later.

I'm ready to go,
Get me out of my mind.
Because it feels like my mind is trying to kill me. I found out today about subconscious defense mechanisms. They're things the mind does to protect itself from massive upheaval. Things like Rationalization, Denial, Distortion. Mostly it's in response to anxiety. Of course it would be foolish of me to self diagnose which of these I use and which I don't but I can't help but think of how I deal with problems and instantly line those up with the mechanisms I found.

My ex posted about wanted to just leave everything behind for a day. And it's looking more and more attractive. Maybe longer than a day. Maybe a week, month, year. I can't tell you how attractive it sounds.

I've started to rationalize and objectify the world. It's probably one of my worst Ideas ever but still it can't be helped. I just can't help myself.

And Micheal asked what the second thing I'd realized was. If you have no idea what I'm talking about refer to end of previous post. But I can't actually say. Because it's got lost and mixed up with the other thing i thought about. My mind feels like some kind of spring. It bounces from one thought to another. And some of the thoughts are a little bit more than unwanted.

I'm trying to strike a balance between saying things that I wish to talk about and things I want to stay private between me and Micheal. However I will say this. Friend Zone is the most bullshit place you can be. "I don't want to risk our friendship." Well I was willing to and now you've broken it anyway because it'll be fucken awkward to be around you now. And they can't deny it. It will be. Sure it'll fade with time but that doesn't stop it hurting for the moment. And I haven't been friend zoned recently. It's just I read a book where somebody gets friend zoned. Not to mention it's like taking their confidence and shoving it into a blender.

But this is different from going out, breaking up then becoming friends. Sometimes that can be enjoyable. Not preferable. But sometimes enjoyable. I've noticed something in my writing and in my conversation. I make connections, observations, don't mention them. Then refer back to them like it was common knowledge. I also don't explain things as fully as they need to be sometimes.

It's been a while since I listened to Good Charlotte. I still think their really good. The best album is Good Morning Revival. Misery, Dance Floor Anthem, Break Apart her Heart, Broken Hearts Parade. I used to listen to those songs non-stop once. The mean something more to me now. I was going to say I can't be bothered but fuck it. Live in the moment. And I really don't have anything better to do.

So you're tired of runnin'
You're tired of hurting
You're tired of living in their lie
You're tired of listening
You're tired of hurting
Keep your sadness alive, alive, alive.



That's from misery. And I am tired. But I'm tired of running from my problems, not other people. I'm tired of hurting people, not being hurt. I'm tired of living in the lie that people tell each other.  Fluttering around, flirting then saying nope like nothing ever happened. It slightly sickening. But I'll never be tired of listening. I will always be there for people. With the exception of sometimes. Because sometimes I have no internet or credit. And no way of talking.

There's something I don't wanna understand
The only way a woman is gonna want a man
The only way you'll ever keep her in your hands
Is breaking apart her heart
Don't tell her she is the reason that you live
Don't give her everything that you got to give
If you want to keep the girl for as long as you liveJust break it apart her heart

Nice guys finish last. That's what the song says and from what I've seen that true. But I disagree with the song. I'm not breaking anyone's heart If I can help it. And if I do. I'm going to be sorry. 

"I don't wanna be in love."

Dance floor anthem. And the on above was break apart her heart. But the thing is I do wanna be in love. It's been the happiest time of my life. And even on the back side I'm still happy. But that's something slightly more private than anything else. So If you want to know. Ask. I might oblige I might not.

We got problems, we don't know how to solve them
Everywhere we go, we got some skeletons that follow
We got baggage, you know we're gonna drag it
Everywhere we go, for everyone to see

I've got baggage. Who doesn't. But my Baggage is mine. Unless your willing to help then you don't get to know. And proof that your willing to help isn't that easy to attain. 

Okay loose interatations of the meanings of the songs to me. Yeah I'm lazy.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

The second thing you'll say.

The title's just a song I just listened to. I don't know where I was going with the title and now the iTunes played a very catchy song I never will again. It amuses me how easily I'm distracted.

Being without the internet for those few days has taught me something. Well two things. First I have a lot of shit that's clogging up hard drive space. Secondly, sometimes I need to stay quiet, and sometimes I need to speak up. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth me trying to fix a relationship. Because once the hurt's been done, one side doesn't want it to heal. The person with the hurt done generally doesn't want the other person in their life. Let alone an active conversationalist and part of their life.

I can't listen to sad songs. They just make me angry. I listened to Rise Against's first albums today. I listened to them once and decided I didn't like the sound as much as their newer stuff. But it's loud, fast and hard. And for some reason that's what I need right now. I've never like that style overly much before. Why now? So many of the questions I ask are Why. Why did you do this? Why are you doing this? It's like some pathological need to understand people and the decisions they make. And I've come up against someone who doesn't want me to know to understand. And I don't know how to react to this.

Micheal told me today that most people don't give a shit about you. They want to talk about themselves. Well I do give a shit about you. In fact as a general rule I give more than a shit about people. I give them time and attention. Something that's in precious short demand. I try to understand you so that I can know you better. And then people get pissy at me for trying to understand. That's like saying stop eating. You don't notice it for a while but it begins to undermine you. Then it owns you. All you think about is that. I would sooner stop breathing than stop trying to understand people. Because the moment I stop that I stop being me.

It's also interesting how tied into the internet people's lives are. I have a friend who didn't want a Facebook. Now he's on it 24/7. Mostly because he just leaves it open. But still. I missed out on four posts from Micheal and one from Rachel because the internet decided to crap it's pants. I also missed the start of the Dominion Beta and had to go to Micheal's place to play it. But me and his table/mouse disagree. So I wasn't very good.

I found a song called "Talk to Me." By a band named Abandon. The name come from a bible verse. Joshua I think. But it makes sense to me.

Still trying to figure it out
My heads keeps spinning around
Why, why, what’s it all mean
Hey, hey, won’t you tell me
I don’t know which way to go
Cause I’ve never been down this road
I’m tired of second-guessing and obsessing
So I’m asking please
Talk to me!



But it makes sense to me. I want to know. I just don't. And despite what I said, I'm okay with this. Because I've learned some other things. Sometimes a tether to something old is unwanted. Sometimes the tether just holds you back from being better. Rather than holding you back from pain.

And secondly. Well... I'll keep that to myself. You want to know you ask. Or until I run out of things to post.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

Dominion, Dominion, Dominion, Dominion.

Thank you for the title micheal. It's magnificent. Anyway the new game mode for league is now in open beta. And it's fun. Magnificently addicting. And well designed. But I'm not here to talk about dominion entirely.  My great aunty died this morning. Oh this post was written on the 24th of September. Because I have no idea when I'm going to get to post this. It's odd watching somebody who's at deaths door. Their reduced to just base instincts. Drive to escape pain. Hunger. Warmth. It's like watching an animal die. All it wants to do is escape the pain. So that says something for our instincts.  I was going to cleverly link this to the last paragraph but I'm not going to. Not because I'm to lazy just because I don't want to. I'm lonely. Every instinct I have is telling me to seek out company but I get away from the company and feel more alone than ever. My best friend told me to give my ex time but with the no Internet and no credit I feel incredibly alone. I want to talk because when I talk to her I feel safe. I have no idea why I just do. Maybe it's because she's never condemned me for things I did. Well there are circumstances to that but they're hard to explain, so I won't. I suddenly want a cuddly cat. One that will just sit with you and let you pat it. No active seeking of a pat or nuzzling or going away. That's hard to find because, well that's bit rare in a cat. There are plenty that do some of those.  I think I shall buy a Teddy bear. Something big enough to sleep with but small enough to carry comfortably, my ex's Teddy Harry being a prime example of this. Sometimes you need to feel like a child. I'm stoping short of having tea parties. Im neither a girl not that young.  Right now it sounds like a lawn mower has parked itself on my stomach. This cat always was kinda Cheshire. It doesn't smile but it's always purring. Stroke it once and it's happy. I've suddenly had the desire to make a roaring fire and curl up in front of it. Oh and the room has to be dark around it. That way you can watch the fires light make patterns as it writhes. Lots of people like fire, I'm just not sure if they spent their childhood watching the fire for so long they fell asleep in front of it. Never burnt me though, I'm very lucky in that regard.  My hair smells of strawberries. There was no conditioner so I had to use the strawberry scented shampoo and conditioner hybrid. I like my hair some days. The color is where things get a bit odd in the reasoning. I'd love to dye my hair but I get the feeling I've talked about this in an earlier post. My best friend read a book called Papertowns. Good book, wasn't a fan of the ending though. I'm clutching at straws here.  Here's something. I stopped doing as many blog entries because I stopped talking to my ex for a while. Because I wanted to know what she thought about how and what I thought. It also meant I didn't gave to explain some things when talking to her or my best friend. It made it easier. Now I don't know why I do it. Wishful thinking, take me back to those days maybe. Maybe I won't understand and maybe I will. I hope I do but it doesn't matter if I don't, not really. In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

Pleasant Dreams make Pleasant Small talk

But I don't have many of those. Especially not last night. I looked through the iPod's listening history. Turns out I was listening to the Dead Space 2 soundtrack all night. And not that I have anyone to make small talk to. Turns out the internet and phone line have literally been severed. Plus my phone is out of credit. Sucks to be me.

Thursdays have become the only night I watch television. Mythbusters, Doctor Who, Torchwood. It's almost a night tailored to me. Thought this new historical drama "The Borgia" looks pretty good. But that's mostly because I know some of the story from playing Assassin's Creed 2.Who says video games aren't useful?

I spent some of tonight staring out at the stars standing on my deck. I had no shirt on so consequently I'm freezing but it's been the calmest I've felt in a while. Did you know that the light from the stars takes so long to reach the earth that the light we see was actually emitted during the time of Christ. Admittedly the fact is a few years old, and I'm not sure if it was ever true. But back to me being calm. Usually I only feel calm when I'm playing a sport or a game. Or somewhere High up. I love a place that's outside with a view, inherent danger preferable but not required. But staring into that infinite black and having it stare back into me. I felt like nothing mattered. Just me and the moment. I wanted it to go on forever but as much as the moments of peace and belonging matter, I prefer not be sick when I experience them. So I came inside.

I've also taken a liking to a hot shower. Not just hot, but as hot as I can stand it without being burnt. It feels like absolution. Like it washes away worries and burns away my lies and sins. Sometimes I think I'm going mad, but I think I'd be happier if I was going mad.

Written in the middle of the night on the 22nd. Now to find a way to post it.

Now for an addendum. Not sure if that's the right word or not. I had my art folio interview today. Use the logo more she said. And I can deal with that. I'm going to have to get stuck into my folio. My weekends are wasted.  So are my weekdays. Maybe the internet being cut is a blessing in disguise. Maybe this folio was something that I can actually be proud of one day. Who knows maybe it will be used outside of this assessment. Then again my attention span is really small. I mean right after the interview I started working on this.

I'm confused about some things. But I really wanted to talk to micheal. Just to calm down a bit. To get my head on right.

I think for some reason I need to prove to myself that I can succeed. Not that all my life has been a dismal failure but still.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!

Struck Dumb.

I thought to myself that I should write a blog. Only nothing's happened to justify it. I stayed home, played league did art homework and wandered around you tube all day. It's not exactly thrilling. But then again... I'm not the most thrilling person to know. Watching all of supernatural again. But only up to the second series because that's all I have. Daybreak was a cool series, pity they didn't make more. Same with Firefly. I feel like a potato chip. Fulfilling. But lasts ten seconds outside of the packet. To lazy to continue. Talk later. Or rather write later.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this.

Today I am broken.

Just physically. I did something to my pinky during the exam. The pinky I dislocated playing soccer a month or two back. So now on top of failing to do two papers my pinky now hurts like hell. Thank god I never actually learned to type properly. I'd be in quit a bit of pain if I had. It does look quite funny though. Me typing with my pinky out. It's posh typing for teenagers. Prerequisites: one previously dislocated pinky(unhealed).

I actually left this blog post again. I'm getting really bad at it. Or league is getting really fun. I have time to play normal's with my friends. Or people in america and other places who use the same Teamspeak channel as me. That's good enough for friends. Nothing to actually say just wanted to bitch about my finger.

Oh yes my toe. That is also injured. It hurts when i move it. Although I'm not sure how that one happened. It just started hurting. "Bigger Scars make Better Stories." Search the City. Great song. About as great as "Talk to me." Abandon.

Yeah music. Bumming around waiting for the league champions to rotate. Looking up jungle Xin. Xin Zhao, the Seneschal of Demacia. He's pretty cool.

Yeah blog dies. Nothing to say. Entry falls over.

It's not where we're going.

But how we get there. Yeah most of us have been fed this particular metaphysical advice. But I don't think that it's true. The journey is a big part but why undertake a journey if when you get there it doesn't matter. As my brother supplied, "Where we're going is why the journey is undertaken." This was a rather nice Facebook status and I thought I'd write about it.

But what's there to write about if that's all I can think of. I know why I can't write songs and essays now. It's because I get so focused on a particular phrase or idea. Thank you sleepless nights. You've given me something.

People shouldn't be punished for their past, I firmly believe this but sometimes it goes a little blurry. Especially around homosexual's. I know why I hate them now. It's all to do with my upbringing. I was brought up in a very religious family and homosexuality is forbidden in the bible. But it's not just that. My parents are very zealous. They stop short of the disowning for sins and such. But they were still very zealous. We were encouraged to find our own answers inside a very small circle of information. So naturally we came to the conclusion that they wanted us to. I'm not criticizing it. It was a better upbringing than a lot of people can claim. But it was this closed circle and upbringing that I grew to be a bit zealous as well.

But back to faith. My ex sent me a webpage and I started exploring. It's about her religion and a few things struck me. But I'm not going to go into most of them. Mostly because I'm still trying to understand what I think independent of my parents. But it talks about faith. And the word that jumped out at me was conviction. Conviction is a firmly held belief or idea. (Thank you Google define) But it also said that faith was something given to us by God. I can't agree with that. Although I would like to know how they arrived at that conclusion. Anyway... you can't be given conviction. It has to come about by itself. Whether it's through acts, upbringing reading. I also don't believe in baptizing an infant. Baptism is the remission of sins. A baby has committed no sins. Baptism is the affirmation of faith. A baby cannot have faith. It's a baby. It doesn't understand the idea of faith. Let alone the word. Baptism is a willful covenant with God. A baby won't understand that. And the Pastor. While this was an essential position in the early years it's not so now. I've been taught to learn by reasoned debate. That way everyone learns. Even the more intelligent ones. A Pastor is a teacher, and no one wants to refute the teacher. But what if the teacher's wrong. Even in a little thing. Then the teacher doesn't realize his mistake because he's never challenged. Maybe my view's skewed. I'll figure that out as we go along.

And Rachel if you read this. I'm not attacking what you believe. And if it seems that way I'm sorry. I'm still trying to find my faith... and my feet. This is my way of finding that.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

To the blogsphere

Every time I think of something I have an urge to go and write a blog about it. However this means that the blogs consist of about 3 lines. So I have collated the things into a superpost. Which probably won't be that long either.

Point 1. I hate how some people have the ability to just shrug off an incident like nothing happened. It makes it seem like the effort I put worrying about it and apologizing was worth nothing. Of course apologies make everything better. Provided they are meant with sincerity. And even then sometimes It doesn't work. But we have no other way of apologizing sometimes. If it's something you say and then they don't talk how are you supposed to convince them with actions. Actions speak louder than actions by we are limited by what action we can take.

Point 2. A feel like I should be fitter. I'm strong and tall. Maybe handsome. Yet after sprinting a little while I keel over and die. I feel like I should be able to write songs. I love music, it's not as visible as some people's love but its there. So why can't I create it. And I have an answer to that, it's because I imitate. I don't create. Even when making character's and places I just take concepts and characters I've seen or heard somewhere else and combine them with something else. I feel like a fraud.

Point 3. This isn't a story concept. It's a location concept. A place or planet where massive weather and climate shifts take place every 7 and a half hours roughly. The only thing I've come up with to explain this is Massive Pole Shifts. There's a Wikipedia article on this but it says that it's not possible. But I don't care, I'm a writer god dammit. If I can't take poetic licence what do I do?

Point 4. I want to spend a day doing nothing. I want to spend a day listening to music loud and drawing and writing and bouncing idea's off friends. I want a day with no responsibilities, no pressure, no school, no work. Just me and my friends. I'm not sure if this is like my ex's want to run away for a day. Maybe it is maybe it isn't. But I've had this want for a while. The only thing I wanted that was different to my ex's idea now that I think about it is, I don't think I'd go anywhere and I wanted my love-life to be a very big part of that day. It's a bad idea sometimes. I mean what do your friends do when your off kissing and cuddling? Never thought that through. Never really wanted to. Sometimes an Idea should stay an Idea.

Point 5. I want to learn to cook. Not just cook like a household, don't burn the potatoes kind of way. But a real fancy kind of way. Well presented and that sort of stuff. One day maybe. After school with a bit of money and a job under my belt. Or maybe tomorrow. Apple sorbet, Banoffee pie, Spring rolls, seared cod, and make a good presentable salad. It's sounds nice, incredible even. I just need something to spur me on.

That's the 5 points. Not in chronological order. And I've now got a spur to learn to cook. I've got to do something otherwise I'm going to go mad. I need hectic pace right now. The one thing I didn't need when I had a girlfriend. It's odd how things change. Poetic even.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

Rangers lead the way

Well the Dannevirke High 1st X1 beat the Dannevirke Rangers 3-2 in our match today. I felt okay about the match. I still felt sluggish during the match but even then I managed to do some pretty quick reaction tackles. However now I've got physical pain to deal with along with this sluggish mind. My ankle always seems to take a hit in these matches. And my back and left thigh go some pretty spectacular sprigging today. We kind of fell away at the end. We had a 3-0 lead and then squandered it. By the end we were defending pretty heavily.

I'd like to be captain of the Firsts next year. I'm just not sure how you be a captain. I've never lead much and the only thing that I ever lead was a group in a weird business simulation. We did okay but that's not a lot to base much on. The only real problem is that I don't handle pressure well. Or at least I don't think I do.

I also find it amazing that I seem to find precisely the right thing to say to piss off my ex. That's the only problem with text based communication. You can't send emotions very well. I was joking but it blew up in my face. My stupid mouth again. I'll just go and play league. Curbstomp some bots. I dunno if that will make me feel better but I can't stand  the Idea of studying right now. The fact that I managed to piss off my ex when she was happy doesn't make me feel great. So studying doesn't seem exactly a good idea because I'll just end up thinking about her.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this.

I feel like I'm swimming.

You know when your swimming and everything takes more effort, and even with the increased effort it's still slower. Well both my mind and my body seem to respond slower than normal. My razor sharp comebacks and wit have slowly died into a counterpoint for some point long gone. I've still got red paint on my hands and I have no idea how it got there. The pink shading on my face is thanks to the red face paint but I never remember getting any on my hands. I only just noticed it.

I'm playing league and now I'm back. So the post has been open for about 30 minutes and all it has is what I wrote before. This blog is deteriorating. It's just me complaining. I do quite like the song "Dakota" by Steel Train. It has nothing to do with me anymore. I dunno if it ever did now that I've listened to it. (Coffee's for Closers) Fall Out Boy. Now there's a song I can relate to. Not entirely. There are some lyrics that don't fit me.

I can't explain a thing
I want everything
To change and stay the same on top.
Doesn't care about anyone or anything
Now come together, come apart.
Only get loaded when you read the charts.
Oh baby, 
When they made me
They broke the mold.


To a certain extent. This is me. Except for the charts line and the "doesn't care" line. Change the doesn't care to doesn't care about much and your there. I'm clinging to the pain and I don't want to let go. It's a constant to the very least. Makes  me wonder sometimes. What am I? A squishy ball of teenage angst and brokenness. I'm certainly physically hurt a lot. Just ask my football team and they'll tell you. Nearly every single game I get injured.

Another league game later and all I can think about is the fact that I got a skin when I didn't fufill the criteria. Riot games said that they were giving the skin to people with 10 ranked games. I have played four. 1 win. 3 losses. That was nice or Riot to give me a little pickmeup. Although I still feel sluggish. That's probably why I went 5/5/14. Kill/Death/Assist. Kayle is an awesome character. I'm just not particularly good at her yet. I have enough IP to afford one of the champions. Well One of half of the champions. Most of the champions cost 6300. I only have 3700. So... close. But nope. Spose I better close this thing off. It's not as weird as some of the other posts. But still it feels somehow wrong. Like I'm missing something in front of my face. I'll get it maybe.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

Still nothing to talk about.

Somehow I'm still in a bad mood. I had a brilliant day. It wasn't brilliant like I won the lotto or that sort of thing. It was just nice. And somehow I'm still in a bad mood. I would listen to Panic! but then I'd just feel weird and stop listening.

I feel weird. Decidedly unhappy and slightly content at the same time. I want to dye my hair but I'm to lazy. I wish I could change my appearance overnight. Just go to sleep with a picture and wake up looking like the picture. Of course this could be problematic if someone replaced the picture with a dinosaur or something. Or a stick man. That would be terrifying. If I was a stick man. Yet another league hotfix. This patch has had three so far, or two. Just not four. I know it's sad that I never gave a dam about the weather and it never gave a dam about me. That's not true. I give a dam about the weather. Just a very small dam. It's like Hover dam. Only if the place where it is is as wide as my finger. Then the Hover dam would be about as big as my finger. One of my fingers looks different from it's counterpart. I did dislocate that finger so it makes a little sense. But some appendages go back to not being weird when they have healed from their dislocation. I painted myself red today. Then ran around the school with my shirt off when I tried to get it off last period. That ended up with me bending over backwards to get the vertical water... water thing. You drink out of it. Anyway I bent over it backwards so I could FOUNTAIN, that's it, it's a fountain, a water fountain, anyway I needed water on my back so I bent over this thing backwards and then when I stood up it went down my pants. That was definitely  not a fun time. Although I must admit I did enjoy running around with no shirt on. For some reason it makes me feel better. Although I'm not sure about what other people think of it.

I have been assaulted by a memory and now I cannot be rid of it. It's in my ex's bedroom and we're just talking. I never seem to get a reasonable conversation in with her these days. Sometimes she's in a bad mood, sometimes I am. And sometimes I run my mouth off and then she get's in a bad mood. And sometimes monkeys come and kidnap my thoughts and I just sit there like an idiot. Idiot. I wonder where the word came from. Should I buy Xin Zhao or Le Blanc? Melee fighter or burst mage? I'm stuck and I can't be bothered. Inspiration strike me dead! Well maybe not dead, just mildly injure me. If I was dead the inspiration wouldn't help me. And inspiration doesn't really help. It's sticking with something. After you've been inspired. Maybe it's a combination of the two. Things have changed for me, And that's okay, I feel the same, I'm on my way. But I don't feel the same. I wanna know what everyone knows. But that's slightly close to nothing. Actually everyone knows love. Parental love, sibling love, partner love. That sort of thing. It's a silly song, you can sing along. Cause I'll be there when your ever scared. But will I? I'm not always easily contacted sometimes. I don't check my phone every seven seconds. I don't wanna leave you. I never did. But life's a bit like that.

I just read what I wrote and now I'm tempted to delete it all. But that won't help. I think this is one of my weirder posts. Simply because I wasn't entirely cognitive when i wrote it.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

Talking is for those who have something to talk about.

Me I feel like writing. Well when I say writing I mean I've got three options. Talk, go to bed or write a blog. Those are the only realistic options. I'm sure there are many other options but they're closed to me for one reason or another. Maybe I just don't feel like doing anything but that would be counter productive, so I may as well write this blog.

I'm in a bad mood right now and my music taste shows this. Old school Linkin Park. It's hard to explain how this works. When I'm happy I seem to be able to listen to anything in library. But when I'm sad or angry I can't bring myself to listen to some things. They're so happy that you just think how could you possibly have written this. The world doesn't exist like this. Where as anything post grunge, anything angry, you think yes. This I agree with.

I want to be angry but It's fizzled out. I'm just profoundly sad.

And I've also figured something out. This blog was meant to be a place where I put my thoughts unaltered, uncensored but that notion died when my ex started reading it. When we were going out I took out most of the unhappiness. Now I'm shying away from certain topics because I'm afraid of losing her further than I have.

My dear we're slow dancing in a burning room.


Every so often I refresh a page in the hope that the champion spotlight comes up for Riven. Riot games, who developed league, patch a new champion in every so often. There's a new one and I need something to distract myself. I mean sure I could do homework or study but right now I couldn't care less about school, a job, my future. Anything that warrants attention I'm unwilling to grant it any. Unlike my ex who was downloading practice exams. All because she wants to do well.

I don't know what I want. And now all I can think of is immature sex jokes. Wow Jordan, you've come a long way and you write so well. It's like music to anyone's ears. I can't write. Not like I used to.

Why can't I let go. I'd save everyone involved a lot of pain if I could just let the things that died stay dead. Things that die should stay dead. I know that relationships are rarely high school romances that last forever. And it's to much to ask for one of those. But I always end up wishing my hours away waiting for some sort of miracle.

Oh the irony. I'm talking about not being able to let go and the John Mayer song "Back to you" comes up. I would send her a link but she'll figure it soon enough. I feel like crying now. But I won't.

Because I'm me. Broken but still moving.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this.

My stupid mouth.

It's got me in trouble again. I'm back to song lyrics but they sum up the world so aptly. I want so desperately to help people but I make it worse, so much worse. And every time I see someone get hurt, or lash out because of something I said, I die a little. Because I can't help when I want to. I've always wanted to be that guy that helped people. Who said what someone needed to hear.

But that never happens. And nothing ever turns out the way I wanted it to. Nothing ever comes remotely close.

I want to talk to somebody about this but the people who I normally do... well one of them I'm not sure I trust with this, one of them I'm not sure I trust at all. One of them is asleep and the other ones pissed off with me. Aren't I lucky. I get to sit in my misery, safe in the knowledge that even If I talked to someone about this I'd wake up tomorrow and still not be able to help people. I'm that tall guy, nothing more, nothing less. And it seems I always will be.

The bitter taste in my mouth won't go away. The taste of sorrow. Because I made her cry and I didn't even know. I feel wretched. Nobody should feel this way. And I wish I didn't. But I do. And I have to live with it. That's my price. And I don't want to pay it. But all must pay their dues. Faith would be a handy thing right now. So would courage, or any of the other things I lack. Tact chief among these things.

Yes a sense of tact would have saved me many headaches and heartaches.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be a soldier. A stereotypical good soldier from the military perspective. One who follows orders. To be told when to sleep, when to eat, when to kill. Never having to think. Just follow orders. And some days I wish that I lived a life like that. Other day's I'm fairly sure I'd kill the bugler, just to get a few more minutes sleep.

Love is hard, life is hard. I need to get used to the fact. But I don't want to accept it.

Things that just seem to happen

Got the blond one staring me down.
And I really wanna take a swing.


I've never wanted to get in fight. I always thought I could talk my way out of a fight and still come out on top. I mean sure i'm big and strong. And I could take on most people and give them a run for they're money. Not because I'm a good fighter. Just because sometimes I'm to stupid to back down. But these days I find myself insulting people just because I want a fight. I want to get punched in the mouth and then smack whoever it was back into the dark ages. 


I was never violent before. But what changed? It wasn't sudden, a bloodlust, that sort of thing. I'm just slowly becoming more physical. And it scares me. I seem to live my life these days afraid of what I might do to other people. One day I'm going to snap. This isn't an if... I will snap someday and I don't want to be around to see it. Because I'm scared of the lengths I'll go to, because I'm scared of what it'll make my friends think. 


I'm okay with my life for the most part. I've been handed a lot and made to work for a lot. I'm not complaining about that. It's just me that seems to be the problem. I isolate myself and my feelings from other people and I need other people to be happy. I tend to keep headbutting a problem to make it go away. I'm intelligent. But smart is not the same as intelligence. Smart is when you know what to do with that intelligence. I just sit at a computer finding things to do and playing games. I'm turning into a computer potato. 


And now I've got a killer headache. Thinking hurts. Not because I keep getting headaches. But because of the realities  my mind has to deal with. I try to think my way out of them and I never end up doing anything. I'm conceited, I rarely think about other people. And even then I'm involved somehow. 


I know the world's a broken bone
But melt your headache's call it home. 


The world is a bad place. It's the individuals in it that make it a good place. You just have to find the right people. 


Define home. Is it where you live or where you belong. "Home is where the heart is." So I'm gonna have to say it's where you belong. With your friends and family. And yet I'm still considering moving somewhere and not telling anybody. Just vanishing from my friends and family. I'm still considering the military where I don't know how often I'll get to see home. 


When the Moon found the Sun he looked like he was barely hanging on.
But her eyes saved his life in the middle of summer.


Well I found my moon and my life was prolonged to the least. But I dunno. 


Friends, lovers or nothing. 


I'm confused about where I want to go, where I want to be, who I want to be, who I want to be with. The only thing I have is that list and that's not going to get me far. The list won't pay for itself. I wish it would. That would be great. Not having to worry about money. I suppose that's what attracted me about being an author. I love writing and I'd love to be paid for it. But I can't finish a book let alone get it published. 


Things have changed for me
But that's okay
I'm on my way.


To where?


I have got to stop relying on song lyrics for a blog entry.


Anyway here's a signoff from Warhammer 40,000


In the name of the Emperor, FINISH THIS.  

Hmm. Blog Blog Blog

So I posted writing just like I said I would. It's not great but it's better than a lot of the junk I've written before. I like "Steel Train", just like I thought I would. Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting predictable. Then I think no and listen to the same music I always do and eat the same food I always do and struggle with sleep the way I always do. Then I realize I am predictable. If not for me for my routine. And I do nothing about it which scares me a bit. I hate the idea of complacency and yet I live it. But even when I realized that the only thin I managed to do was shrug and write a blog. Not exactly striking out and living on the edge but hey I'll get there one day.

Or at least I hope I can.
Anyway my ex (I'm still on reasonably good terms with her) told me I should make a list of all the things I want to do in my life and try my hardest to do as much of the list I can. I've started the list but I've also realized something. The things people want to do change as they do. I'm not sure I want to go to the moon anymore despite the fact I desperately wanted to as a child. So If I stick rigidly to my list I'm going to end up doing things that won't make me happy. So the list has to fluid, in a state of flux. I think she knew that already and applied that to her list. It just took me a while to get that. Maybe I'm not as smart as I once was. Or maybe all this thinking is doing my head in. Still haven't got anywhere with the whole faith thing. I'm still not sure so I'm still thinking.

So here's the beginnings of the list.
1. Cook a three course meal.
2. Learn to use a broadsword.
3. Fire a clip from a semi-automatic weapon.
4. Find a friend I lost.
5. Go to Paris.
6. Learn to powerslide well.
7. Live in four different place for the four seasons.
8. Sail around the northern coasts of Australia.
9. Learn to play the guitar and write a song.
10. Go see Panic! At the Disco live.

Some of them are a bit expensive. Mostly 5, 7 and 8. But hey dream a little. There are some other things that would normally feature of the list but I removed them because I'm not sure about them any more. Already the list's changing. But so far this is the core.

Pray I could replace her and forget the way her tears taste.
This has no place here except for I was listening to the song when I wrote this. I'd like to say I pray for things. But first of all... my ex is irreplaceable. There will never be someone like that again. So I'm staying friends. Because she is literally the most amazing person I have ever met. And sometimes I think she forgets that. Not that she's the most amazing person I've ever met, I'm not exactly the most important thing in the grand scheme of things. But just that she's amazing. And forget the way her tears taste. Well I've never tasted her tears and I pray that I never have to. It's ironic. I have no idea where my faith is but still I pray for things. Except it's open ended. I have no idea where it's going. I have a feeling this paragraph is going to do more harm than good. But I'm leaving it in. Maybe I'll understand it myself one day.

No sign off. I left the old one behind a bit. So I'll toy with more sign offs. Today's sign off is.
Stay strong, stay brave, stay vigilant.

No idea where it came from but it'll do for now.

Writing whoo.

Here's the writing I promised. This is the first draft of the opening.

Michael shrugged his shoulder. It still burned. He stood and stretched, his shoulder seemed to ignite with pain and he gingerly returned his arm to where it had been.  He took care to keep his arm still as he stepped slowly over a pile of clothes and inky rags. The bathroom door was still slightly open so he simply kicked it open and walked inside. The lights went on as he entered and he looked into the mirror. His dark blonde hair was swept up. It stayed that way naturally but that wasn’t because of well-behaved hair. Just the fact that it was washed so rarely that the grease building up made for a natural styling product. He tousled his hair lightly then moved to rub his sore left shoulder but jerked back at the last moment. He sighed and tilted his shoulder forward. On his shoulder, down his one side of his back and down his left arm was a series of words and pictures. The flowed from one to another, jet black against a light brown skin. If somebody looked at the tattoo they’d recognise some symbols, the pentacle and the cross. And even some snatches of Latin that might sound something like English. He rolled the shoulder back and then washed his hands. The black ink ran off his fingers and circled slowly down the drain. But some of the ink had soaked into his skin, he growled softly to himself and started scrubbing. The water slowly faded in and out of light grey. He kept the scowl which had come up when he growled on his face. His hands were pink from the scrubbing and he slowly clenched the hand. “Perpetuum Caelo.” He whispered bitterly to himself. There was a rush of air and a golden light from the bedroom he’d come from. Michael slowly pushed himself up and opened the door. “Get out.” He growled. The light faded and a man in a long flowing robe hovered in the air. “Really Michael, is that how you treat one of the destroying angels? I thought you’d learned respect.” Michael smiled. “I have learned respect, just not for the corrupt Seraphim who made that animal become what he is and certainly not for you Abbadon, who just sat back and fucking watched.” The man’s grey face hardened and he gestured. Michael was thrown against the wall. He crumpled to the ground and Abbadon looked over him. “Take care what you accuse me of. I am still the destroying angel. I can destroy you in an instant.” Michael spat and blood came out along with it. “You know you can’t touch me. Else I become what you are and you become what I am. Bound and pathetic.” Abbadon smiled. “Your knowledge hasn’t been corrupted by these cattle.” Michael stood up and spat more blood and saliva in Abbadon’s face. “Just do your duty and get out. You hate my presence as much as I hate yours.” Abbandon wiped his face and flicked it to the ground. “Ithuriel Abrium. Have you completed your penance?” Michael stared into his eyes. They say that the Angel’s eyes are perilous for mortals. But Michael was no mortal. “I have.” Abbadon smiled to himself as he said. “And do you acknowledge guilt that you may return to heaven?” Michael dead faced said, “You know I will never acknowledge guilt. I did what was right. Now get the hell out of my house.” There was a flash of light and Abbadon was gone and the tattoos on Michael’s shoulder lit up with a golden light. He cursed soundlessly and went back into the bathroom. He ran the tap again and spat into it. He hated this, as if being a fallen wasn’t bad enough, to be lumped in with deserters and devils, he had to endure these interviews every month. Abbadon knew well as anyone in heaven that he would never admit guilt. That angel was a monster and he had done what was right. Maybe that was why Abbadon came, to enjoy spiting him every single time. Michael sighed, stopped the tap and crawled into his bed. The inky rags could wait. He needed sleep.

I posted but the internet stopped it taking.

So here I am again. Steadfastly ignoring the drafts folder where the old blog was. Some aspects of the entry will come through in this entry but I'm okay with that.

I got dumped. There's still a part of me that wants to curl up and cry but... well I haven't subdued it. It's still there whining away inside my head. I'm still not exactly sure what I'm doing. I know that life seems a great deal more lucid now. And I'm still not sure if I want to curl up and cry. What good would it do? I personally think I'm dealing with this admirably.

I've started writing on my arm now. Only the left one. Mostly song lyrics and literal Latin. (Nice bit of alliteration there, I'm sure that my English teacher will be proud.) Some pictures and some homework. It's actually marvelously useful a note system that is always there. All i have to do is roll up my sleeves and hey presto whatever I had to remember. I would recommend it but it takes a very reliable pen. So if you have a reliable pen by all means write on your arms. I've found a character I like on league and we have the last competition game of our soccer season next week. Exams on the week after next and then I have no idea what to do. I mean as far as I can tell the only thing stopping me from breaking down is my immense workload. It's function or be crushed. Plus I'm still sick. On the bright side I think that I might have a new band to listen to. It's called Steel Train and I listened to it a bit. It sounds kind of like Fun. a band I really like so here's hoping.

But here's a thought. I introduced my ex to Panic! At the Disco. A well known band. At least I think I did. So what's going to happen to that? She is a music junkie so logic suggests she's just going to keep it around. That's something I could do with my time. Learn an instrument. I always wanted to play the song, "All in" by Lifehouse. So I suppose I could do that. It's either do something or go insane. I pick the former. I'm far to fond of myself to go insane or go emo.

I need a new pair of headphones. I also need to start earning money. I have no idea what career I want to be in. I don't know what my plans are out of High School. So I need money. The crux of man. Everybody loves it because of what it makes possible. I just want to make enough to get by. And maybe afford something on the side once in a while.

Then BOOM idea. I could learn to cook something. Find something I like the sound of and learn to cook it. There we go. There we go. I just realized I said that twice. There we go. Third times the charm.

I suppose I better actually post this. It's been sitting in this tab for a while. Like a good little blog post. Logo for my design assignment is finished. Now I just need to show my visual journey. Which is a series of drawings.

And bugger an end statement. I'll do without it.

I was going to post.

But then I realized something. The two people who might read this will know about it soon enough. Besides I post enough as it is. Next post will be some writing.

Watching the world run by.

The world isn't the place I thought it once was. They say that innocence is bliss, and I think they're right. Oh to be kid again. But I suppose we trade out innocence for pleasure. Kids don't have to deal with who's going out with who and having a heart broken and healed. I can't say for sure if I'd like to be a kid again or where I am now or where I'm ending up. Our perceptions of the opposite sex changed as we aged so I suppose it's no surprise that our perceptions of the world will.

But does our perceptions change that much, as a child we wanted the newest car, now as an (young) adult I want new things as well. I suppose that's not our perceptions. That's just ingrained into us now.

I'm not really making sense. I just wanted to write something. It's a comforting retreat. To escape the madness. To slow down and write. It's a pleasure I don't indulge myself in often. And maybe I should do it more often. This blog has been mostly all I've written in over a month. And the only time I've felt I'm calm are in two occasions, when I'm talking to my girlfriend and when I'm writing this blog.

I feel slightly rakish today. And when I say today I meant this afternoon. But that's just because I found my waistcoat on the floor after taking off my tie and sweatshirt. I put it on and popped the collar. Huzzah.

It's odd the things you think about when you simply can't focus. My mind wanders often. Sometimes to my girlfriend and sometimes into my imagination. It's to odd to explain in words so I'll leave it at that. I'm fairly sure nobody wants to know about my imagination anyway.

Bittersweet migraine in my mind. I'm resigned to another restless night. Restless night syndrome. But who cares. I'm coping.

Second in a day. Hurah for whims.

Donec occuramus Iterum Conveiniant

Today is a day just like any other

But it's slow and cold. And I've been thinking.I'd like to say that everything is better now. My faith is restored and I'm happy.

But the truth is I'm not happy and like always my faith is wearing thin. I don't know what to do about my faith. My growing sense of unease is still festering away and I can't shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen soon. There's no justification that i can use. It's just a gut feeling. What I really would like to do is talk to my girlfriend about faith. She is religious plus the small benefit of the whole touched by God makes it easier for her. Plus she also said that one of her best advice topics is religion.

But I feel uneasy talking about religion unless it's to somebodies face. I don't trust text based communication for that. You never actually know who's watching and replying. And I've been talking to her but it seems unlikely that I'm going to see her again for a while. I'm free anytime after the exams on weekends. But I don't know if she has the time.

I also feel as if I'm slowly losing her. Which is part of the reason that I want to see her so badly. I want to spend time with her thats all. There was a test that told me what "language of love" I am. I told me I was something and quality time. Touch rated third. I enjoy being close to somebody I love but it's not essential to touch them. Her presence alone seems to light up a room in any case. However I did not write this blog to be a pity blog.Or at least I didn't mean it that way. Maybe it ended up like that by mistake.

League finally patched so that's some measure of relief. I can go back to losing at that. I'm almost constantly in a bad mood because of lack of sleep because I can't stop thinking about my faith, people around me etc.

I bought a webcam yesterday just because I wanted one. I have no idea what I'm going to use it for in the coming days.

This blog is deteriorating by the minute and the smart, and humane thing would be to kill it here. But it seems unfinished somehow. My girlfriend is probably the best thing that could have happened to me given the circumstances. She's similar in so many ways it's frightening, but entirely different on other occasions. I'm not going to understand her anytime soon. And I'm okay with that. You don't need to understand someone to love them.

Older people say that teenagers are to young to talk about being in love. That we don't know enough.

"You know enough to make it hurt." Ghastly Bespoke from the Skulduggery Pleasant series. Sure there may be things we don't understand but the only way to learn is to go and experience it. It hurts. I know that much. But you can't shut yourself away. You can't not love forever. And I think that before I met my girlfriend, that's what I was trying to do. The wounds I'd caused by holding on had cut so deep that I never wanted to try again. But sometimes you can't help but fall in love.

The bells just rung so I'm signing off now. I may write more about this later.

Donec occuramus Iterum Conveiniant

Faith is the essence of things hoped for.

A while ago in one of my blog entries I said that my girlfriend generally only posted when she had something incredibly important to say. Well she's come up with a real humdinger this time. She doesn't know this but I spent every instant since reading the blog thinking about what she wrote. It will keep me awake tonight and there's no way out of it. I may still be thinking about it whenever I post next.

Faith. Faith is the essence of things hoped for and the belief in things unseen. Hebrews 11 verse 1.
I think this particular translation comes from the KJV. But I'm not sure. It's the oldest definition I know about for faith but I'm sure there are others that are far older. In fact if I went snooping in the bible I'm sure that I could find one before Hebrews. But another project for a distant rainy day. And from the comment about faith you may have guessed what I'm writing about. My faith.

Things were simpler when I was a kid. I was told my world and it was easy. Now that I'm older and encouraged to search out and find truths for myself. It still involves being told something but now I choose what to be told.

My faith has been worn thin for quite some time. And maybe it's finally breaking. Every person I ask about prayer in my church says "Pray to God, he hears, he will help you." I prayed in times of trouble. Sometimes I got what I was looking for sometimes I didn't. But when I didn't get what I was looking for, it took me a while to get closure on anything I asked. "God works in mysterious ways." And I agree, I have no idea what he's doing. Hell I'm not even sure If I believe in God.

That was mildly amusing to me. I used hell in a statement contradicting God.

I asked for faith and all I got was another thing grinding away at my faith. "God tries the heart to refine it." God created every metal there is. Surely he must know that not all metal bends. Sometimes it breaks. I realize the metaphor isn't exactly working. Refining and bending/breaking aren't exactly part of the same process.

People claim to have had experiences where they have never felt close to God. I say "claim" not to discredit the experiences for them. I sure it was wonderful. But I have never felt particularly close to God. My girlfriend has had one. But when that sort of thing happens at my camps. Where every bodies hugging each other and feeling close to God. I'm outside. Staring at the sky. My mind goes blank, but I always think the same thing when it's time to sleep or eat or read. When the tender moment is over. "If everyone is so connected here, to each other and God, why do I feel so Alone?" I haven't told anyone that before.

I've always felt alone, even among people who love me, friends and family. I wouldn't go as far as I was a loner. I can't have been a loner, I'm to dependent on other people. (Maybe you'll get to know that later. Or you already know, I don't know if I've addressed this before in my blogs.) But I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. And in some cases outside getting in.

Sometimes I laugh at myself. I'm totally dependent on other people to be happy, but a lot of the time, I feel more alone than ever.  I'm a walking talking hypocritical situation.

Faith is a big thing for me. Sometimes I have no faith in anything. It makes it easier to be disappointed.

I'll get back to you on faith. I don't know where I'm going with this.

But on to other things. A throwaway remark today got me a result I wasn't expecting. My girlfriend changes her hair a lot. Just like Ramona Flowers from Scott Pilgrim. And apparently it's been remarked that she's like Ramona a fair bit. So as a joke I said, "If your Ramona does that make me Scott Pilgrim?" Or something like that. I don't remember exactly. And she said, "I don't want you to be Scott Pilgrim. I want you to be you."

But who exactly am I? What defines me? I don't know. I don't have the first idea.

"Would you love me if I'm not myself?"


I was seriously scared for the first time in a long time a few days ago. Now I'm afraid.

Being scared implies that it was just a shock to the system. But fear is something ingrained. Locked in the survival instinct and our memories it's something to protect us. But you can't escape an Idea. You can't out think an Idea. You can't beat an Idea with tactics.

Help me.

Donec occuramus Iterum Conveiniant