This is better written down rather than cooped up inside.

--I said I was going to get rid of this but this is my blog and this is what happens when I get angry. I don't do anything about it. I just write an angry note to essentially no one and then leave it in my drafts folder.--

I'm pissed off. Terraria is a game, like two dimensional minecraft. We were playing on a server and I spent a good 3 hours remodelling the house. Why? Because it was something I could do. I already felt that I'd been left behind before. I felt like everyone was running around with something to do and I was just stuck there going, "Well, I guess I'll mine." And the worst part about that was everyone else had gotten fancy toys and I had received cast-offs. So yeah I'd remodelled the house. And I had put stairs across Micheals house to get an NPC up into the room that they were supposed to be in. The NPC had gotten there and I decided to go to bed thinking that I would fix the stairs tomorrow. And while I was there I figured I'd do a bit more walling, maybe make a few more rooms. So when I logged in next, Micheal's room was fixed. I'd got up late so I expected it however the other thing that happened I did not expect. Turns out Micheal had beaten the end game boss and put the server into hard mode.

He passed it off so casually, "Hard mode, your gonna need better gear." Was what he said I think. I had to read it a few times, to make absolutely sure that I was reading it right. And then I felt mad as hell. What in name of all that's holy did he think he was doing, fighting the end game boss without anyone else except for someone whose been playing this game for a while. How about the rest of us who'd only just picked the game up? I shouldn't feel mad on behalf of the others, I have no idea how they reacted. What about me who'd already been left behind by everyone once before. And to me he'd pretty much fucked my experience.

Those kind of games are about discovery for me. I was slingshotted up, bypassing a lot of the game, now when I had less than great gear and only a bit of knowledge I was going to have to play on a hard mode server. I sure as hell wasn't going to give it up, I'd spent three hours on that fucking house I was going to enjoy it. But now I have people who phase through walls and fuck me up and then slide off again like nothings happened. And a boss that spawns in the middle of the base for no apparent reason offs me and then flies away.

This has happened in another game before which I don't blame Micheal for not knowing about. Long story short I was borrowing a minecraft account on a server and they were about to fight the ender dragon. I went to bed and then when I woke up it was gone. I'd been left behind.

I mean what the hell dude. We had two of those fucking dolls you could have taken one into your own world and "Seen it before everyone else did it". We weren't going to leave you behind. But you over-reacted over some fucking stairs. You felt exactly the same way I did when I woke up and Psi had handed out gifts. Except instead of building a giant dick you went and fucking cleared the game. At least when I was  unhappy at being left behind I didn't absolutely fuck up someone else's first experience with the game.

And it was my fault you know, for building those stairs and decorating and remaking the house. That was literally all that had happened except for a meteorite. And it's my fault for continuing to play. He admitted he fucked up but not before I had to lecture him into it. It didn't even feel contrite. It's like children muttering sorry after a telling off.

So yeah I'm pissed, I hope you feel guilty about this and I have no problems with it.

"And here we are, on the raggedy edge...

Don't push me, and I won't push you."

If I had a motto in life this would probably be it. It's a cool quote and it says a lot about how I try to behave. Of course I have had some slip-ups, done some pushing and been pushed myself. But I figure I've done some good.

Anyway... man when was the last time I wrote one of these. Before uni obviously, I remember trying to write a blog post but it ended up being only a few words so I scrapped it. I wonder if it's still floating around here somewhere. Okay it isn't, I must have deleted the draft after all. But as to the actual one, I don't remember it. After reading it I realise that I was kind of down in the dumps at that point. And why wouldn't I have been I was playing dark souls without a controller. But I did miss my friends something fierce. I rely on them far more than is healthy. I play games with my friends often enough and I actually would see them some days during the past few months. I am playing with Rachel which surprises me (Chrome still doesn't think that Rachel isn't a word) I think that I tried to get her to play at one point. Actually nope, I never tried to make her play from memory I just talked about it a little. I got told that my waistcoat is two and a half years old. The old things done a good dash. I hope I can give it to someone who appreciates such dapper finery as me. Even reading back on my old posts I can see where I tried to make myself feel better, maybe even made myself look better than I really am, I'm laughing at myself at the moment but I know that I won't change. Or maybe I will, I just think it's funny how much I can pick holes in myself and then end up with the exact same mistakes later on.

So uni was fun. One of my papers wasn't a great time, not the one that I thought would be bad but I had a good time. It was good to dedicate myself to something big again. Maybe if I'd forced myself to keep writing I could have made something out of that. I think that when I have an Idea and I know where I want it to go I should use a keyboard but when I just want it to change and grow I should use a pen. The two things just suit each other better. I would be playing league at the moment but my latency is really high. So ping, really high. It sucks but I figured I should right this instead of pointlessly trying to fix it. I don't know why it's so high, it just is. If all goes well I might be moving to Wellington next year. It should fix my ping problems. If you play league then you should Listen to Instalok. It's a youtube channel and they make parodies of famous songs. I like it.

I'm not reading anything at the moment. I've read all of my bookshelf and I don't feel like reading mums extensive collection of Mills and Boon. I'm still playing League but for the most part I'm playing Skyrim and Saints Row 3 and 4. They're fun games. Micheal comes home soon so that will be most fun. We're gonna play all the games forever. Well we're going to LAN that much I'm certain of. Oh yes LANiversary is soon. I'm looking forward to that. Two and a bit days of gaming it's like heaven for me. Plus I'm going to Havelock for a few days to see my buddy Henry. He has fireworks and games and the best part is there is a football match between our favourite teams on Monday night. Arsenal and Manchester United if you were wondering. I figure you guys know which one is mine. I wonder if my ping has fixed itself yet. Nope so onwards with this.

I've watched a ton of movies lately. I'm almost caught up on the movies that I wanted to watch. I am running out on Anime however, I'll need to grab some more off Chris and get to work finding my own. Zetsuen no Tempest, great anime I recommend. I think that a live action of Code Geass would be a good thing for people who didn't watch the anime. I think it's a great story, tiny bit to Japanese for most people but I don't care it would still be great. I should watch that again. I still have no idea what I'm going to do in the far future but who cares. Today is good, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet and yesterday is behind me. I'll deal with tomorrow in it's due time. I am however frustrated, mostly because I can see what's wrong or at least I think I can but I can't do a damn thing. Or rather I'm not sure that I am the one who can help. I just can see it happening and I'm powerless to even make it slightly better. Yeah Rachel I'm talking about you. I want to help, but I dunno how or if I'm even helping. It's like that sad smile people sometimes get. Some days I just shrug because I know dam well I don't know if I'm helping and some days I get frustrated... well you get the idea or maybe you don't. It's the worst feeling I've ever felt, aside from breaking my leg but that was a different kind of worst.

That went from really light-hearted to surprisingly dark. Fuuuuuu... I hope I don't come off as pretentious or something. I'm always a little apprehensive about what I put in these things. So Rachel, you called me out on it and here is the blog post, for better for worst.

It has been some time.

Listening to: Fall Out Boy, Save Rock and Roll
Watching: Castle Season 5
Playing: Dead Island, Dark Souls: Prepare to Die Edition, League of Legends
Reading: Thunderball by Ian Flemming

To tell the truth I honestly thought that I would never write something on here again. It seemed like something that I did during school. Just to complain about stuff. I don't know why I'm writing here now. Actually that's not true, I just figured that writing about it was better than letting it fester inside me. I don't know what I'm doing, my degree, my gaming habit, the people around me. I always thought that it would just seem like one step after another, get a degree, get a job, maybe jumping around jobs til 60 then retirement. Now it's just like someone has hit me over the head, I'm reeling and I keep getting hit. I just keep spinning and spinning and it makes no sense any more.

People always seem so sure of what's happening. Everyone has that plan and I always seemed so confident. Emphasis on the "seemed." I have lived my lie. And to me I always sound so incredibly pathetic when I talk about my problems. I suppose that's why people never talk about it. Because we are afraid of seeming weak. And to tell truth I subscribed to the theory that girls like vulnerable men. But that ain't all there is to people. Everyone has there weaknesses and strengths. Perhaps it's just my luck that I see more of my weaknesses than my strengths. I've heard tell that you look for the worst in the people you hate. But that can be a lie. Sometimes you hate them because all you see are the strengths. You can't bring yourself to think of them as a person as a balance of both.

I recently discovered I try to blend in. I'm a chameleon. I'm told I act like my cousin, I'm told I speak like the MacKay's, I'm told I copy people's accents. I am a chameleon, I try to fit in to the people I'm around by copying them, sometimes even opinion just so I will have people that are like me. Even if they truly aren't.

An analogy I understand, I feel like I'm in an open world game with no objective marker, no quests, no places of interest. Just a wide open world. I'm lost in this world. Just like a quest in dead island. Just like Dark Souls. I don't know where to go.

I miss people, I miss Micheal, I miss Tania, I miss Rachel, I miss Henry, I miss Peter, I miss James. I miss some many people, and places. I miss school as daft as it sounds. Just because that was easy. Because of the people there. I haven't grown up, I'm not ready for responsibility.

Sigh then blink

How to start, there's a lot of half formed things in my head. I figured it was time that I got them written down,  at least a part of them. A half remembered memory of someone telling me they liked my writing style, did I invent it or just not remember it? I don't know. I feel that I heard it somewhere from someone I cared about. It made it special to hear it from them. But I don't know who it was? Why not?

I feel like shaking my head constantly, to try and clear what seems like cobwebs in my head. I get tired so suddenly then spend restless nights in bed. I feel muted, like what I want to say and do can't get out. And has been replaced by something that ends up snapping at friends and family. I got so angry at my sister for adamantly refusing to turn down the television a little so I could hear Micheal speaking. But did she deserve it. I know I'm louder than I realise at the time and I know I get excited and loud during league games. But it's not just my problem. I either have to yell over the TV or get it turned down. It's a self perpetuating cycle. I talk, she turns on the TV, I talk louder to get over the TV, she turns the TV up, ad infinitum. I dunno. Part of me wants to be the better man and try and make a difference so that next time I can say I have done something, now it's time for you to do your part. But another part of me wants to say no, I don't get to speak with Micheal that often, the world should bow to my wishes. 

I miss my friends, I miss the variety that was there. Dammit I wish having a girlfriend. I miss having a best friend ten minutes away. The person who liked you for exactly who you were and the person who couldn't care less who you were. I miss the comfort feeling.

I feel that I caved a little. I feel selfish. I didn't want Rachel on Skype in our game call. I felt that we alienated her when we talked bout the game. I wanted her all to myself for a little while, at least as far as I could tell. But that meant giving up time with Micheal. The actual decision was wrong in so many ways. There was no way to win and I shouldn't have felt like it in the first place. I feel isolated. I feel sad that I thought like that. But there's nothing I can do. Not in the past and I don't know what's brought this on. I feel scared because I was sure that I had but things to bed. Will I never be free of this? 

You know sometimes I wish that I had  blog that no one knew about. But that was never my intention. I always wanted people to see it, and ask me about it. So that I would get more attention.

I'm petty at times.

Well

That was beautiful Jordan, very touching. I had a title planned but then I just had a brain fart and it all fell apart. So what have I done since last time.

I have actually applied for a job. (yay me)
I have found a duo cue partner.
I have found both metal and dub step which I enjoy.
I got a haircut and have started gelling up my hair.
I have a new love in my life. (ILY KITTEN)

Fairly sure I would have got some of you with that last one. But honestly kittens and puppies are like cure for  nearly ever negative emotion. Unless you hate kittens and puppies in which case what is wrong with you? I was feeling lonely and then we got a kitten and now I am not lonely. Instead I am overcome with cuteness and rage sometimes. The rage is because the kitten likes attacking my computer cables.

Um, I found an alcoholic drink I can actually drink. I think that the taste of alcoholic drinks is actually to put you off having to much. Because the body doesn't typically respond well to bitter things.

WOW, SO CUTE.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpcEVKNqveo&list=PLPNliTuPq6SObELDCU26FtRzvSg-cEILy

If I could find a music box with this as it's tune I would buy that so hard.

I've been watching a lot more anime and I've gotten over my dislike of watching it subbed. In fact it even made me want to learn Japanese.

Honestly that music is like the best thing ever. So sad and yet because I know the lyrics it's uplifting. Plus it reminds me of a time when things where a lot simpler.

I've been writing a bit more but nothing has come of it.

"I hope you live a long happy life and die surrounded by people you love." The best internet trash talk I have ever heard.

One of these days

I will fix the typing errors in this blog. I promise.

I once made fun of Micheal.

I made fun of him for his blog slowly devolving from a text based one to where he only ever reblogged things and rarely very rarely posted original things. To me it felt like, way back when, that me and Micheal were reading auxiliary information about each other, information that we didn't need to tell each other but we still found interesting. Along with talking about our feelings which we did frequently, or at least I did. Now his tumblr is just sitting there and my blog is as well. But mines lying there because there is nothing to write. I am not doing anything, I am not feeling anything strongly enough yet, I am not finished enough of my new idea. Yes another idea.

So I'm sitting at home cleaning and playing video games. It's like school days except without school. I am infatuated with a girl who I don't know that well and lives in Wellington. And I'm writing about an AI dealing with emotions.

My mum suggested I go stay with a friend over the weekend. But it's awkward because we are at opposite ends of our friend group. You know how there are some friends who are only around because of your friends and you don't have that much in common so you don't talk that much. Yeah we are as far away from each other in that spectrum as you can get. He is still an awesome guy and no disrespect to him but I feel like we just don't have that much in common compared to my other friends.

I was thinking about making this thing public, like attaching it to my Facebook and stuff. But the. I realized that others of my religion might look down on my use of curse words. I don't care about them but it might offend some people so I think it's best if it stay anonymous. Hell my viewers will have either got bored of waiting or moved. Micheal has a chance of reading this but I think that Rachel and Tania will have fallen off the map. So here's some secrets, Tania I original led moved to your table so I could try to make a move on you. Of course that never happened, or it did, kind of. But still we ended up friends so I'm not complaining. Rachel you were what I am now terming a blindside, I was completely focused on another girl and then wham I met you. It was a blessing twofold, because I realize now that I did not like the girl in hindsight and I ended up with you.

Tania I don't want us to stop being friends because I don't see you anymore.
Rachel, well same as above. Only now I feel guilty about not writing it out in full. But you ended up with a longer sentence so it's fine.

I'm supposed to be finding a job.

But in all honesty I really don't want to. I've never got a job before except for with my uncle and I actually just showed up at work one day with my brother. I feel like it will make me seem really foolish walking up to somebody in a store and saying, "Hey can I have a job?" But on the other hand it also is a real strain on my mother having me mope around the house. I got mocked by someone asking if I needed someone to hold my hand but in all honesty that would probably help. Ideally someone would find me a job, but nobody is going to do that for me. People talk about going man mode and I have no problems whatsoever putting myself into situations where I may be physically hurt. But I can be socially inept and stamina has always been a problem of mine.

I'm steadily writing again because it gets me out of job hunting. Im sad.