I hated...

I hated every second of primary school.
I hated everyone who only wanted me around because I was intelligent.
I hated the time I spent pining away over the girls I had split up with.
I hated every single one of my friends because of the things they were better than me.
I hated my computer because it keeps overheating the graphics card.
I hated myself because of my faults.

But now...

I still look back on my time at primary school in loathing. I still hate people who use me. I think that the time spent pining was just recovery, to appreciate what was lost and look forward to a new beginning. I know that my friends will specialize in something and I can't be better than them at everything. I accept that. I still hate that my graphics card but it's minor in my everyday life. And I still hate my faults but they are part of me. As much as my strengths are.

The sword and the shield.

This is a concept for a way of thinking that has been in my head for a while and I figure this is the best place to put it. The sword and shield are exact opposites and so counter each other. But I'll start with the sword.

The sword is the symbol of war. The gun could be considered but the sword is more entrenched. And so the sword is for attack. It represents your ability to comprehend another's arguments, beliefs idea ect. and then use that knowledge to destroy what you have just understood. To be truly effective you cannot just rely on dismantling their argument but you must be proficient at being able to gradually replace that view with your own. The sword is your offensive capability in any given argument be it political, on faith or any others.

The shield is the symbol of protection. When you see a shield you know that it will protect you whatever this item is. And so the shield is your ability to structure an argument which cannot be undone. The skills involved in both shield and sword are similar because as you find loopholes in others arguments you will learn to exclude these loopholes from your own arguments. So in this case to train one is to train the other. But the skills are employed differently.
Its a concePt for analyzing an argument I suppose. It sounded better in my head.

Dealing with fallout, advice and replies.

One for micheal the others for Rachel.

Micheal your worries are very true. I do depend on you. Because just like you I changed. I was a loner for a lot of school. Maybe a single friend who wasn't always around. I was good at school and ultimately I think that's where my education fell through. But that's for another time. I was arrogant and opinionated, and never afraid to share, even when it would have been better to stay silent. Then I met you. Then made a friend who always wanted to be around me, to listen and discuss. You mellowed me out and eased up the less desirable traits. I would have had friends, but not as many without you. And now my friends are leaving me and I'm left to my own devices. Maybe your influence will stick, maybe it won't. I just hope you can stand the me that will show up.

Now on to Rachel. First some advice about blogging. Opinions are Gods gift to bloggers. Doesn't matter what it is. If you have an opinion then write it, flesh it out. Some will flop don't worry. At the end of the day I think it helps if you solidify your own opinion with text. Even if it's just friends who read it. They care enough to read, then they probably care about your opinions. Now that I look at it this is as much for my benefit as it is (potentially) yours.

And second. I took my time and thought as I said I would. I could have just messages you this but I'm always up for a little show boating. And I understand. Yes I jumped from extreme to extreme and I didn't listen to what you'd told me: I still live you just now it's more the way you love me, as a friend, someone to care deeply about. What you said has changed some things and left others alone. And you've both dented and rue forced my pride at the same time. Congratulations Rachel. And thanks.

My head is buzzing.

It's buzzing with thoughts, feelings and people all cycling through my head. The cause was a line of text but I must admit that was not the only fuel to the fire. I would like to skirt the instigator, to flow quickly and evenly around it but I cannot. There is a paragraph here where I tried to avoid it. But no. It doesn't work. The catalyst is absent and in being absent the whole reason for this writing falls apart. It was the unequivocal fact, that Rachel did not love me.

I could lie to spare feelings, or I could tell a truth that is fragmented amongst the parts of my mind. But what would sparing feelings now accomplish? So no, the truth, as broken as it may be to my understanding.

The truth is, I'm scared and about to be almost abandoned by the people I care about most. And this just rocked me. I cannot say I did not expect it, but I never expected to be told. I thought that one day I would ask and one day I would receive that answer and be content. To have it suddenly thrust upon me was a shock that was unpleasant. It changed my night. I had planned to spend time with my friends on league. But that changed, I blamed my ping for actions that were through fault of my own. I ducked out of a second match because I new that I would not play to the best of my ability.

But the worst part was when she said "sorry but it's true". Not that she was sorry for me, but that she had no reason to be sorry. It was my over zealous feelings and nature that caused this not her. But I think I know enough to understand why she is sorry. I think I know enough of guilt and being sorry.

There are three other things that contributed to this feeling. They are, Assassins Creed, They sword of truth book series and something notch, the creator of  minecraft, wrote.

Assassins creed is a good story, and a good game. I'm referring to the first one by the way. But as I payed it I understood why people dont read or play games or watch movies, because they accomplish nothing. What will having played through assassins creed give me in life? But as it showed me this it also told me again why so many people play games, read books, and watch movies. To distract them, to take them from their own world and let them experience another for a short time. So that is part of the fuel.

The sword of truth series has something called the wizards rules. They are like guidelines to life. And they talk about truth, finding it, showing it, finding delight in it. "Seek not the truth through others, rather through yourself." That's paraphrasing one of the rules. I have always, maybe unconsciously lived by this rule, it explains my curiosity. I feel, guilty, as if I've cheated myself out of something with this.

And the thing that notch wrote. Here's the link but Micheals read it already. http://notch.tumblr.com/post/37823268132/i-love-you-dad
This didn't add anything specific it just made what I was feeling sharper. It just made me sad.

The feeling is an odd mixture of hope and despair. Despair not just because I wasn't loved, but because I no longer have something to work for, to strive and Acheived. One more achievement in the great game of life that a friend did for me. And hope because this brings me closure, a final end to the sorry emotional state once this is through. As well as an understanding. That in life you will meet people that you love but they will only care about you, and that is fine. Understandable and condoneable. But you will love all the same just not in the way where you get to kiss them long and passionately. It will take time and perhaps a sudden emotional shock but you will get there.

And Rachel as always I'm sorry. But this time I'm not sorry for what I did but rather I'm sorry that...
I spent an hour trying to describe the reason. At the least I hope you Understand that Im not in love with you but I do still love.

There. It's fragmented definitely unfinished and might be taken the wrong way. But for better for worse its there.

There are some things.

There was also meant to be a segue but there isn't one. Just this.
http://xkcd.com/1146/

I'm happy for the minute.

As we are all well aware of It's hard for me to be happy. There's always something hanging over my head but tonight I feel fine. The ball was tonight and it was fun. I'll admit I zoned out slightly and it came as a great surprise when I found my arm being tugged by Tania to come and dance. Which consisted of repetitive movements of hip and arms along with a healthy dose of fist pumping. I can dance choreographed  Ask me to dance on the spot and I'm stumped. We got a picture of our gaming team with a substitute Jungler. Bongo was the only one around and we played with him often enough so, he's now our sub. I danced, an improvement on the last time, I ate, also an improvement. But there are two things that I have to get off my chest.

Rachel was there and the moment I saw her I felt guilty. Guilty for not making her year 12 ball as enjoyable as it could have been. I know it's a long time ago and I'm fairly sure she harbours no ill will about it but that won't stop me being sorry about it because deep down, I know that I fucked that up. I was more concerned about me than I was about her. And I'm sorry for it. 

The second thing was not as depressing as the first. Like I said Rachel was there and I spent a lot of time talking to her. It felt good to see her again and just talk. It reinforced my belief  that I value face to face contact more than anything else. It was easy to talk to her above all else and maybe that was one of the reasons that I fell in love with her. But as we know love evolves, love moves on, blah blah blah, don't worry I'm not in a hurry to try anything. But it never hurts to realise what you liked in the first place when it comes to that special someone. 

But wait, Kassie was there as well, but I'm fairly sure that she understands. The failures in my last relationships and the hypothetically increased distance make it even less likely to work and well, I don't want to break a friend. I could ramble on about many tangents that my mind has created but I think it's better to stay within the realm of reality, and perhaps sanity. 

A good night, one of the best nights, thanks everyone. Thanks Fortitude Gaming, thanks to Tania for pulling me out of my reverie and making me dance, thanks to Rachel for just talking. But dam I wish I'd had that top hat.

A note on character.

A note on character. 

Every game has character, from the games where the character evolves and shapes itself over he players experience to the games where the character is simply and excuse to give you someone to play as. All games have character but some games are defined, by it, revolve around it. It is these games that I find truly enthralling and will keep me coming back to them every time. So why do, in my opinion, games that revolve around character have such a large advantage over those that don't. 

Well that dates back to my love of books. I know that as a general rule books and games are seen as something of opposites, although much of the time it's television not video games that are placed opposite to books. But the central object of books has always been character, high action sequences are easier to pull off with televisions and games do by necessity the writer must either be really good at writing action sequences or have the story revolve around character. And while I just said that action sequences are easier to pull off on screens why can't I have both? There are movies that have both and there are games that have both. 

Now games that are based solely on action are fun. Call of Duty is fun, Battlefield is fun, ect. But they aren't games that I will play over and over again without some form of multiplayer. I read books over and over again because I enjoy revisiting the rich and vibrant characters that make up the world. I replay most games as well because I enjoy not just playing the games, but because the characters are as rich and alive as any character in a book. For an example of from my recent past. I recently played through a game and have almost finished another. The two games where Deus Ex: Human Revolution and Bulletstorm. Bulletstorm was vivid, brightly colored and full of non stop action. Deus Ex, stealthy, a sepia tone and a less brutal pace. Which of the two do I enjoy more? Well thats easy, Deus Ex. Bulletstorm was great for me to power through at full speed, to feel the power as my enemies all fell before me. Deus Ex, feels more solid, the characters all have opinions, agendas, all have feelings and thoughts that come across in the way they act and speak. Not that Bulletstorm didn't have that but it just feels more pronounced in Deus Ex. The characters inside Deus Ex feel far more real than those in Bulletstorm. Which identifies with the theme In their design, Bulletstorm was designed to be over the top, Deus Ex was designed to be the story of a man struggling to find truth. 

In the end the strength of the character depends on the genre, intention and plot of a games. And there have been many iterations, some successful. Some not. But as a personal choice, I will revisit the games that I believe have the best character. Because I believe that  character makes the best story.

I changed the display name.

It's now HazardOS. It actually is the result of the first original joke I've come up with in a long time. The joke was, "What's the most dangerous kind of operating system? HazardOS. Play on words right there. Bam, I use English techniques.

Now what else should I talk about? Exams. Exams are going fine except for calc which was a total bomb, but don't tell my family that or my mum will be very angry with me. I. Have two exams left. They are drama and physics. I feel confident about two papers out of the four. And that is enough.

Games! Games are great. I play them to much probably, but they are so addicting. I should get addicted to cooking instead. Mum would like that I think. I would like that as well sometimes.

Rachel started a conversation. It was nice. Like a comfortable sweater that got lost in the drawer.

Life is good. I had a mild panic attack. Twice. It was mild, just me overreacting and trying to do something about it, which I of course can't. I'm fine now. I tried to something physically and all the energy just snapped back on me. It happens sometimes.

I am happy so long as I have friends around me who care about me. That's my happiness. People around me. And surviving and stuff but that's a given.

Yeah that's me for the minute. I don't have anything to bitch about.

As promised.

This time on Jordan can be a whining bitch sometimes. Purpose.

I have considered purpose and I have now reached an understanding that is acceptable to me. Purpose is complicated. There will never be just one purpose in your life. But I define things as necesary purposes, plain purposes, and grand purposes. Each represent a different part of life.

A necesary purpose is something inevitable. An education, further education, a job these are all necesary purposes. A necesary purpose can be defined as something that will happen. You will get an education, you will get more education, you will get a job. These necesary purposes exist inside the society that we live in and would exist outside of it. If we were still cavemen then it would be hunting and gathering.

A plain purpose is mundane like washing the dishes or folding clothes. It has an immediate goal and a tangible reward. However it's nature is that it will not last very long. Compared to the other kinds of purpose which. Can take up vast tracks if your life.

A grand purpose defines you. It is what you decide to do with your life. Some people choose to glorify God. I know several people that have this firmly set as their grand purpose. And there is nothing wrong with it. Others choose to create a vast fortune, for various reasons, children or greed. And then there's the romantic among us who just want to find someone who will love them as much as they love that person.

A grand purpose can change without it being accomplished. As can a plain purpose. I could be converted to a religion halfway trhough making cereal. Both my plain and grand purposes change but mg necesary purpose will remain the same until it or a similar purpose is accomplished.

But above all. A purpose is personal. It can only be decided by you. Influenced by others yes. Decided by others no. And there is one more type of purpose I forgot to mention. Instinctive purpose. Or survival. Every purpose we undertake serves our survival in one way or another. If you think about it long enough. Everything will come down to surviving, or enabling that survival. Except for maybe suicidal urges. Which I will expand on later if I ever expand this into a proper article.

Something I should have realized a while ago.

Happiness can't be attained like a possession. It has to be constantly sought after, constantly earned. It's like a drink. It is there but once it has been consumed you have to find another. I should have figured that our a while back, guess I was, distracted.

Dammit.

Bare with me. This ones complicated. Full of feelings things and stuff like that. Well, a while back there was a drama sleepover. And by a while back I mean yesterday. I'm off to a flying start but anyway. So we got there and we played werewolves(awesome game) and watched Superbad(average movie) and a lot of us fell asleep listening to the movie. Except for Micheal, Kassie, Ki-taurangi and I. We were talking about the nature of consumerism and ethics when it comes to the distribution of revolutionary technology, built in redundancy. And no offence Ki but I never thought that I would ever be having that conversation when you were part of the group. Then Micheal and Ki both went to bed and Kassie was sharing my pillow because she didn't have one. And for about half and hour we both lay there trying to sleep. Then I told her the best bedtime story ever. It had cats and turtles and wishes it was a brilliant story. And then we started talking about heavy stuff like purpose in life, that kind of stuff. Then we were making out.

I don't remember which one of us actually made the move but I did enjoy the kissing. But of course me being me I couldn't just take something for it's face value. I talked to her about how we couldn't get into a relationship because she was going to Auckland and I was staying here. I thought it was the right thing to do but I may have then erased that and sent the wrong message by then spooning her for the rest of the night. I don't think it's fair on either of us to pursue a relationship.

Oh yeah, I may repeat myself because sometimes when I'm stressed my thought process does that. My biggest problem at the moment is I have no idea where we stand. I never seem to talk to Rachel any more although I do admit that the circumstances are markedly different. But I don't want the end result to be the same. I don't want to lose my friends any more than distance will make me lose them. That didn't really make any sense but I hope you get the idea.

I need to throw myself into something but I don't play league without friends and quite honestly game just don't seem as appealing as they did before this. And games you have to have a wind down period before you can sleep. I have never met a person who could go straight from games to sleep without some form of losing conciousness going on there. And that wind down period will let me go all sorts of places inside my head. Places I may not necessarily want to be. Dammit Micheal why Australia? I can't walk there. I'm not getting any sleep tonight.

Next time on Jordan is a whining bitch. Hefty discussion of purpose.

Requiem.

It broke. That last strand. That last tiny glimmer of hope, it broke. Now all I see is blackness. A dark end to the brightest of beginnings. I never wanted it to end like this. But it has and now I feel to powerless to stop it. To much pain has flowed from this. I sometimes see that strange circle that we made. Never blaming each other. Never blaming anyone but us. Because despite the fact that you told me that it wasn't me, I still looked for a reason. And I found them. Once I had hoped for a next time, a second chance. But when that strand broke so to did that hope. I realize now something that I should have a long time ago. Perhaps I wasn't your type in the end. Maybe you are the girl who wants her name screamed along with I love you from the tops of houses. In truth I don't know. But I do know that I am the kind of guy who plays down everything. I am fragile but I seem extroverted. I was simply happy knowing you were there, the world did not need to know. How could I know how I felt. I'm sorry I wasn't the one you were looking for. I'm sorry I wasn't the one that you needed. I sorry I wasn't the Prince Charming who would sweep you off your feet and make you forget everyone else. I am sorry. I still remember you most days. I remember what maybe went wrong. How I held so loose and then so tight. How I could not find that middle ground. I did love you. I was just unable to show it to the world. And to you.

Well.

There's not actually a lot to say. Life is just turning past me. I seem to refuse to move on. Should probably change that.

Well.

I guess that's that then. No more. Gone and lost.

Behold, War on his red horse.

I'm angry again. But it's directed at me. Because I'm not good enough, I'm not self motivated enough. An example. We have a ranked team (stay with on this) and you are allowed eight members. There are five slots in a playing team and three reserves. Micheal has been making a big deal about this because he won't have time to play while he's in Australia. And I don't blame him. But the major thing is the bottom lane. We have four people vying for the two spots and none vying for mine. And I've got complacent and lazy. Because there is no one who wants the spot I don't have to do anything to keep it. So I just sit around play path of exile and other things that in this sense don't matter.

But who cares right. It's just a game. Well the skills in that game translate fairly well to life. Cooperation, quick thinking, forward thinking. And I'm bad at it. So how does this bode for my life? Not well I'd say.

We have our last soccer game of the season this week. And I get to move out of defense. Don't get me wrong I love it playing there. But I just want to get out every so often even if it is just for a few minutes. The same way I have to get out of the house every so often and I have to get out of this town every so often. And sometimes I wonder where to from here. And I wish I could just say, "Bring me yon' horizon" and be done with it. It's ironic in that I want to travel but new people make me nervous. That's not to say that I don't like new people but I just feel nervous around him.

Dammit I'm losing my best friend next year. I could right that generic speed about inside jokes and being weird. But hell we are anything but ordinary. I'll miss you man. I know he's not gone for good and I'll see him again at some point but still after 5 years with a best friend who lived only ten maybetwenty minutes away it's gonna be hard not having him around for advice and just to talk to. I knew that I wasn't going to get a childhood sweetheart but I thought I might be able to keep my best friend for a bit longer.

Stop believing me when I tell you it's nothing!

People ask me "Are you okay?" I say yes because it's easier than explaining. Explaining that you know that something is wrong and you desperately try and fix it but nothing you try works. Knowing that you can feel it eating away at you but you can never actually understand what it is that's wrong let alone try and fix it. I can't just cure this by not thinking about it. Or by thinking about something desirable. Nothing works any more. Not Tania, Not Rachel, not anybody who I ever loved in any way helps. I just end up thinking about how I hurt them. Even if it was pathetic and small and tiny. Even if it's just one small thing, it will play over and over in my head until I want to tear at my hair and scream til it stops. I keep telling myself they've moved on, that it's nothing, that it no longer matters. But I can't stop it. I can't stop the images in my head of the things I've done wrong. I'm not a bad person. I just want it to stop.

Dammit.

I think...

That's new. Jordan thinks. Anyway I think that in most situations, when something goes wrong we should always blame ourselves. Now before you dismiss me offhand let me explain myself. In any given situation you will have to make choices(here we go with the choices thing again) to make. These choices range in topic, like from relationships to what to eat. And these choices will take place over a variety of time periods, like the split second decision when you just decide something and the long drawn out thought process that eventually results in a decision. Small fact, I've used both of these techniques to come to a decision about asking girls out. Only one of them worked. But you will also have time later when you reflect on these choices, mostly when sleeping or about to sleep. And when you decide that something has gone wrong, you shouldn't look at anyone's faults but your own. This may seem narrow but in my experience it helps. You consider what you did wrong and you can do to fix this. Only after you have identified your own faults, so much so that if someone blames you for something you can say that you have already considered this, then you may proceed to critique others performance. Offer advice and help by all means, but try to be fully aware of your own faults first. And if someone does bring something that you have not considered to your attention then make sure to look at it. To summaries this way of thinking "look inwards before consider outwards." besides it makes you a hell of a lot less susceptible to insults if you already know what they are probably going to say. I know that adjusting to a new way of thinking isn't always a good thing. And this way of thinking doesn't always work. I'm living proof of that. But when I'm frustrated at something I will take the time to examine the problem and my role in it. And usually I come to a helpful conclusion. Still haven't tried tackling arrogance and self doubt yet. And I'm not looking forward to it. The two are really intertwined. Maybe one day I'll let you know the results of that.

Planetside2. Finally.

I'm in the beta for planetside 2. And I'm a little frightened that it won't live up to my hype. I have looked at trailers, gone through forums, speculated, hell I've practically salivated over this thing. So what do I do if it's not what I expect? Curl up most likely. Probably go play kingdom hearts. It's a good game but it shows it's age a little. Like many games I think they should re-render the game with the latest titles engine. So that the original game is a little more polished. That's just my wishful thinking however. If a game is good but has retro graphics I will still play it. Just because looks should not take away from the merit of the game. The same way looks should not take away from the merit of a girl. However I am guilty of taking looks to far into account in my appraisal of girls. Thankfully a lot of the people I take interest in have great personalities as well. So so far the situation has not deteriorated that much. I should probably stop doing that however, my luck can only last so long.

I'm happy and sad. Happy because we finally won a game. Sad because I'm still not quite emotionally whole. I'm still reeling a bit from my grandma's death. I'm not doing as well as I thought I would and im not doing as well as people around me are led
To believe. Maybe I should get rid of my new slight dependence on video games. They help, they distract me. If you can find a truly immersive game the. It will do you wonders.
It will take stress away and leave you relaxed. at least in my experience. But the immersion is
The dependent thing. It needs to be immersive, you need to care, it needs to come to the front of your mind for the time when you pick up the controller or lay hands on the mouse and keyboard. For that moment it should occupy most of your attention. At least that's how I deal with my problems. You may have something different.

Daisy

Daisy, daisy give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. Except... I'm not. Someone said to me that if I wanted something I should reach for it no matter what the cost was. Or maybe I said that to me, it sounds like something I'd say. But what's the point in reaching for something that is always looking the other way. I like kassie well enough, she's a good friend but I'm not looking for more than that from her. I'm don't know who I'm looking for. It's like I expect some princess to need my help and cue story time. I still want you but I don't want you as much as I did want you. If that makes any sense at all. My brain is turning to mush. I can't form cohesive sentances I can't say things correctly. It's weird to even consider that I'm slowly turning into a babbling wreak. It won't be a stylish marriage, it won't be a marriage at all. I'd say I'm not looking for love but I'm not looking for something to throw away. And people wonder why I play video games so much. The objectives are clear cut, you do this this this and then you win. I don't have objectives there is no plan there isn't anything except me blundering around looking for happiness. And it seems in short supply. I'm sorry. This is just me complaaining. I will warn you in future if it's one of these posts.

My thoughts (from iPod at midnight)

On Gay Marriage.

Now before I start I would like to say to things. One, if you are reading this you either like me enough to listen to this or you care about the issue. Either is fine. The second is that I personally have no stance on this issue. I do not care if gay people do or do not get the right to marry.

Right, now that I'm done with that time to get down to the meat and bones of the question. Should gay people gain the right to marry? First of all, gay does not mean homosexual, nor is homo short for homosexual. Gay is a synonym for happy and homo is a prefix meaning man or the same. I am slightly tired of people using these terms. If you are going to put a label on someone do it properly. 

Next the definition of marriage. At it's loosest definition this means a connection, between two people for various reasons, love, connections. That sort of thing. So when this loose definition is applied here I see no problem. It's when specifics are introduced, particularly of biblical nature that things become restricting for the homosexual couple. The version of the bible that I was using did not have a section dedicated to marriage, so if someone on the "anti gay"side could point me to that I would be much obliged, but it does specifically say wife. 

Staying inside the real of the biblical  someone has cited the example of Sodom and Gommorah. Sodom of course being the basis for the word sodomy which has some discrepancies in its meaning. Suffice it to say that it has some relevance but ultimately a small amount. The point that this person was making was that Sodom and Gommorah were punished for this act of anal intercourse. This is somewhat true but ultimately misguided from my point of view, the punishment was not for anal intercourse, or rather not solely for this intercourse.The other sins were things like oral sex and intercourse with animals. You can say what you will about whether or not this has much to do with any lack of consent but that is simply fine print that I choose not to read into. The crucial point here being that being gay was not the only reason that these people were punished, there were other factors and it is not known how much of a factor this was in Sodom and Gommorah's destruction. 

There are other biblical arguments I could state such as the every popular, "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." but I've had enough of the bible for now. It's bad enough that some people force it down others throats, now it gets dragged into this argument. Mind you it has caused wars before. Now for the law. My understanding of the law as it reads today is that it says that marriage consists of a man and a woman who are unmarried at the time and are over 18. Now this is fairly clear cut and as our good friend the bible states that you should respect the laws of the land. Not try to change them. 

I will find citations for this at some point I promise. 

I have also heard stories about people who have come to the church gay, renounced their "evil" ways and had a family. However in my opinion this is not something inherent in the religion itself, rather the way it is taught. Nowhere aside from Sodom and Gommorah, to my knowledge, does God or Jesus speak out or act against gays. In fact when considered in a different light some of Jesus' teachings could be considered homoerotic. 

Now I am normally a heavily opinionated young man. If you tell me something chances are I will have something to say about it. But in this case I heard opinions before I could formulate my own. As such the opinions were corrupted and not purely mine. I am not gay, but nor do I discriminate against them, I have a gay friend. Which is incidentally where I got the firsthand knowledge of the whole church going repentance story. 

The other reason why I have no opinion on this topic is that  it does not affect me. I am not gay, thus I have no need for a law change. The way I perceive a marriage will not change. I have always perceived couples as couples regardless of their marital state. The married couple are simply more attached to each other, to borrow a gaming metaphor, they leveled up couple status. And surely if homosexuals have lived with these unwholesome titles and names like fag and queer then I think they can get by without marriage. Just my thought.

On the whole I have no reasons not to change the law, two dads or moms may make just as good of parents as a father and a mother. Provided the child was happy and learnt the necessary skills like potty training and such then the upbringing was a success. 

However on the whole I have no reason to allow the law change either. A system is in place, a system that has some flaws and defects but is essentially sound. Some tweaks to this system would accomplish almost exactly what a law change would. 

So while opinions abound and as do arguments I sit here apathetic and confident that the entire debate is in fact a waste of time.

Ctrl Alt Del

Normally I'd be using this combination to check out CPU usage and other cool nerdy stuff. But it's actually a website that is nice.
http://www.cad-comic.com
It's about games and movies and there is a webcomic. And it's the webcomic that kinda freaks me out. I look at Ethan the main character and subconsciously draw parallels. I know that I'm only a little like him but still without care I could well become someone like him only less. Because a doppelganger is never as good as the original, no matter what the story is.

But then what do I do. It's hard to concentrate since I ran out of Ritalin. I don't want to go and get more because the doctor will just ask me to go to a psychiatrist to try and get rid of some work ethic and latent anger issues. Yes I have trouble working productively and I get angry a lot. I just counter that with my hyperactivity. At least so far that's what has happened. I'm not so sure it will work with a desk job. I'm stuck in a cycle where I want to do better, improve slightly then slump back to where I was. I want to make some inspiring speech about how I will rise above my competition and all that stuff but I just won't unfortunately. The cycle will continue.

A quote

"Homosexuality is a choice the same way that breathing is a choice."
Why did I want to write a blog post about that. Because of the word "choice." There's always a choice. Imagine your life is a game. One of those role playing games with that bioware does so well. Mass Effect and Dragon Age being the most notable. And you have what's called a dialogue wheel. A wheel of choices of what you can say and do. But if you play that kind of game like me there is always one kind of way that you will act. I always try to be nice and save everyone but I still choose the bad choices sometimes just because they are there. It's like that in life. (Because my parallels are only good when they are based on games) There is the way you act, the choice on your dialogue wheel that you will always choose. But the other way to act, that other dialogue choice will always be there for you to one day maybe use.

So there is a choice.
A choice between what you should always do according to character., and what can be done but is not something that would be done by you but can be done. The choice between socieites normal and whatever weird brand of crazy you are. Because everyone is crazy in one way or another.

It also depends on how you define being a homosexual. Is it just the fact that you like other men or is it actively being in a relationship. Personally based on what I've seen of gay people is that it's the later. So liking men makes you gay. But what happens when despite this longing society still forces them into having a heterosexual relationship. Does this mean that you are bisexual? Obviously not. So does this mean that I was wrong? That homosexuality is an absolute for those who are? Not entirely. You can choose to ignore those urges, and pursue a life that won't be affected by your apparent wrong sexuality. Or you can ignore it. There is always a choice. But sometimes the choice is not a choice at all.

Define:Nostalgia

1. A sentimental longing for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

Oh Rachel look what has happened to me. I don't blame you for the way I feel right now. It was great to actually talk. But these things just happens. I figure that as soon as I move into another relationship then these moments of nostalgia will go away. And come back once I'm on the other side. Pessimism and apathy. My two greatest sins. A big sigh as more memories roll through my head. A pessimist optimist. Where all I can invent are the ways for things to go badly wrong and yet I have a thoroughly shaken but still standing belief in mankind. Maybe a pessimistic idealist, because all of the things that I hold to are ideals. That love always prevails, cruelty will be erased one day. It's essentially Christianity with no savior, humanism I think. I'm not sure what to believe. I think that given the chance humans can right their wrongs. Every person can. There are many reasons not to think and feel as I do and I don't think other people will. Wars and cruelty, exploitation. But I still have a hollow belief in humanity. And I cling to it as if it where a ship. Battered and bruised, held together by spit and prayers. Which is ironic because this is about god which I've all but said I don't believe in any of the gods out there. I think this is the largest digression I've ever managed.  Maybe it is. And I probably shouldn't have fed the nostalgia by going through old folders. I need to Marshall thoughts on something. I need to decide and prove to myself something. That I don't discriminate needlessly. I need time though. Just a bit of time.

An inability.

Restraint isn't something that I excel in. I know it and I'm fairly sure most of my friends do. In fact that's where one of my habits comes from. I will announce that I'm not going to say something, blatantly setting myself up to pray on their curiosity, so that I get to say it anyway. Ingenious for someone like me who just can't help myself.

It's not as bad as other people or as destructive. I just have a loose connection between my mouth and my brain. Or rather a connection that is far to efficient. It translates thoughts to speech far to quickly. It's hard for me to contain impulses as well. Like I keep squeezing the arm of my friends puffer jacket. Nothing harmful, but she doesnt like it so I need to stop. And every time I see her I can't help but think about what I'm not allowed to do. I am not allowed to squeeze her arm. And it gets stuck in my head, I can't get it out no matter how hard I try. I can't help but show more affection to my friends than I need to. It's annoying for my friends, as far as I can tell, and it is confusing my own feelings about people. What used to be normal is now painfully over the top when I look back at it.

I just can't help it. It's like a virus written into my brain. I can't control it, I can't get rid of it. I'm a slave to my own ridiculous impulses. And I never wanted this. I don't want to place my friends in that sort of situation. I don't want to place myself in that sort of situation.

"Go Out"

When you look at it purely literally it's not much. Go out, go to somewhere that is not here. Out of this place. But it carries connotations. It means allow me to take you to somewhere that is a little more classy than our current surroundings, let me show you a good time and then there's the one that gets me confused. Do you want to enter  relationship with me, without actually marking the occasion with anything. No actual going anywhere. 'Cept perhaps back to where you normally are, except with either a silly smile or a cocky swagger. I know exactly how the term slowly evolved to mean what it did. The act of going out ussually signaled a start in a relationship so then eventually they began to skip the actual going somewhere but kept the name. I can understand and see all that. What I don't get is why. There are many perfectly good explanations as to why this happened and you probably have one. In fact if I look hard enough I probably have one but that defeats the purpose of this doesn't it. A whole exposition into why this has happened. Mental exercise to promote thinking and whatnot.  But now that I think about it one key feature of this process springs to mind. Well actually two. The first is convenience. It's a hell of a lot easier to just get in a relationship and not worry about organizing anything fancy to mark the occasion. It allows both people to carry on with their lives quicker and more efficiently. The second is the age. The most people that use "Go Out" as a term for relationship are actually quite young. And it seems to get younger as I get older. Maybe that's just perspective as I age and mature. And being quite young there aren't many places they can go or things they can do. So hence despite never actually going anywhere the couple(no loosely phrased or anything here, if they want to consider themselves a couple then that's there deal not mine) are still going out. Maybe behind the bike sheds for a grope or something. That was incredibly crass and I do apologize but I think that it's a more accurate representation of my thought process if I don't get rid of anything I wrote. So for all intents and purposes(except spelling wise) the backspace key does not exist on this keyboard. And if I offend anyone you'll most likely get a mention in the next post. If I actually find out I offended you. Which will be hard unless you tell me. I can be very dense at times.

I sit here and stare at my computer screen.

I should be doing homework. I want to succeed at this. But I'm just to tired. I'm worried I'm not trusted. Or that there is nothing to trust me with.

I've resorted to something I haven't had to in a long time. Funny cat pictures. It's CAT-astrophic. Oh that felt bad. I should probably delete that. But seriously I have had to look at some funny pictures to keep me awake and somewhat happy.

This homework was really interesting. It was interesting to learn about the greatest science fiction writer ever (In my opinion) But that's just my opinion, you don't have to agree. Or care. H.G Wells if you care to know.

I'd like to know if this is a personality disorder. The inability to let go of anything in your past. I'd like to think that if it isn't it would be totally unique and I'd get a disorder named after me. But that's not going to happen. It's just me having one of those clingy moments. It'll pass don't worry. It'll come again latter and then you can be worried again if you want. But for now don't worry about me. No plans but I'm happy enough.

A haiku because I was bored.

The dark will fade soon,
So forward unto the dawn,
My night has to end.

It has many ways to be interpreted because I was deliberately vague. I know what it means to me. What it means to you is your business.

I wanted to write

I wanted to write something about the state of my mind, something about the conflicting feelings and hopes that keep waging war inside my head. I wanted to write about how I'm staying strong in the face of sickness and sadness. I wanted to write something about how I can't shake the feeling that somethings creeping up on me. I wanted to write something about how I can't get rid of my feelings.

So I did.

I had a breakdown today.

I was playing soccer which in hindsight wasn't my best decision what with my lack of sleep and cold. I was probably asking for trouble. But anyway I was playing soccer and I was on front post, not something that's normal for me. But I moved out to stop the ball and then it just slipped straight past me into the goal. If I'd stayed still then it wouldn't have gone in but I didn't react with that usually soccer players head down thing. I kicked the goal and started shouting obscenities at the sky. I was so mad at myself in the one instant it felt like my hate would just crush me. I just wanted to punch somebody, I wanted to fight, I wanted blood as it were. I knew that it was a bad idea for me to keep playing so I subbed myself off. I stalked off furious with them, me, the situation, the world. And then I found a stream at one end of the field and I sat down and I cried. It emptied me. Like I felt nothing at all after I'd finished crying. I went back to the changing rooms shrugging off concerned hands, I got changed and I got on the bus. Uncomfortably numb with my surroundings. I didn't notice someone had sat next to me until I tried to get more comfortable. My aunt gave me an apple cider which I drank about half of. I've decided I need to be eating if I get given alcohol, otherwise the bitter taste just sits in my stomach, which is the reason I never drank in the first place. And here's where I got really uncomfortable in the aftermath.

I got the three points for player of the day. Now normally I am very critical of myself, I know this. But I got mad and stalked off and they gave me those points anyway. Either I was fantastic or it was a pity thing. I'm inclined to go for the pity vote. I didn't want those points, I didn't deserve them. But I got them anyway. They should have gone to anyone else, just not me.

I should probably start sleeping on a regular timetable and taking Panadol when my head isn't all right.  But then when have I ever done what's good for me. I've thrown away a lot of whats good for me.

A butterfly mind.

I figure that its an apt enough description of my mind. A mind that flits from subject to subject extracting a little information then moving on. It's a poetic description which forces a semblance of order onto my mind which is usually so unruly.

I wanted to continue some kind of imagery. But anything I came up with sounded pretentious. So it stays as is it seems. I've got a wisdom tooth at least I think so. Just one of them. Usually they come in pairs. It's annoying but bearable.

Pandora is available in NZ now. It's internet radio and the choices and ratings you give songs slowly start to build up the Database's view of you. Allowing it to more intelligently predict what music you might like. In other wise it's very nice for people like me who know definitively if they like a song or don't by one listen. I can ban that song from my station and then if I feel the need I can bring it back. Magic as it were.

Ever had a token item? That one thing that makes you feel better, seem like you perform better or just... I don't know you just feel like the world will end if you don't know exactly where it is and that its safe. I've got three. And they all represent something. I know it seems cheesy but to a mind like mine it seems so logical. I can be irrational at times. One is a band of beads that a friend brought me, represents my friends and how they will always be behind me. The next is a watch, my grandparents got it for me and it's probably the watch I've kept track of for the longest time. The analog hand is broken and the alarm goes off midnight each  night and I can't stop it. But I love it to bits. The last... is incredibly cheesy but I can't help that. I do feel self conscious every time I talk about it but I think it's understandable.  It's a green jelly bracelet that Rachel gave me. It means nothing to most people. But that green band means a lot to me. Perseverance, love, loss, desire. But mostly it means that there are good things, good people in the world and even if you aren't intimately involved with them that doesn't stop you being a part of it. Just because you made a mistake that doesn't mean that it's over. It's just different, and things change all the time, whether we want it or not.

What is love? My parents tell me I don't know what love is. I think I knew what it was. Which got me thinking as is what normally happens when I think of something like this. Is love an ideal, a state of mind, a physical feeling. Why can't I know what love is? I think love is something that gets added to, changed, evolves. You have what you know and as time goes on, as you love and you lose and then find love in a different way your version of love changes. It becomes better or worse, it becomes more finite or less clear. It will never be the same as anyone else's. Just the same as no two people will ever be alike. So if someone tells you that you don't know what love is then I don't think they're right, you just don't know love in the same way they do.

The walking man.

I feel gripped by a sense of wanderlust. I just want to go somewhere, I want to be in other places and experience new things. But at the same time, I'm afraid of meeting new people. How does that work? Just another example of my head being busted. I say I hate something then I do something that's almost the same as it.

I walk everywhere. I have my bike now but I still seem to walk everywhere. Why walk? Why not? It requires nothing save a destination. And maybe clothes. Indecent exposure is not something I want to be prosecuted for.

Think I've had lyrics from this song before. But it's called "Break apart her heart" by Good Charlotte. Just from the title I think, "Can't. Won't. Moving on." But some of what it says makes a certain amount of good sense. Not all of it obviously. I won't be a jackass who is aloof and all the rest of that stuff. But Romanticism and prattle does little for a relationship unless the other person is into that. And the only real way to test that is to flat out ask or test it. Actually no. A little might be nice but I think that it would get tiresome after a time.

Tell me if I'm wrong or I'm right either way. I'd like to know.

I'm more than a little bit confused right now. More to just an overload of information rather than any problems.

I don't even know.

I can't sleep because I want you.
But maybe I want you because I think it will help me sleep.
Maybe I think that it will help me succeed, to settle down at school to be happier and more successful.
But maybe I want you because I want you.

One day.

One day I want a place that is mine. A place full of tall trees that I can climb and see the world. A place by the ocean, a place with waves so the sound will sing me to sleep. A place that's secluded so I can be alone with my thoughts. A place that my friends can visit and stay for a while. That place will keep me safe from the world, and keep the world safe from me, and perhaps keep me safe from myself. One day I will live here, here on this shore where trees grow tall and the world seems so distant but close enough to touch.

I don't know if I want to get married yet, or even live with somebody. I understand that generally thats a big step in relationships. But I'd come to rely on them to much. It always happens when I go into any relationship and living with them would simply compound it. I want that kind of relationship. I'm just not sure how to work it.

But I'm a long way from that just yet. Why am I worrying? Because I do.

Just some thoughts I thought that I'd share.

War can be a paradox. The soldiers are taught to hate their enemy so that they will be ruthless, to do anything to win yet they then help those people rebuild. After looking at them for so long with scowls on their faces and down the barrel of a gun they are then expected to smile and help them fix what they worked so hard to destroy. It just doesn't make much sense to me. But then this is the human mind we are talking about.  Maybe that's why modern military campaigns have proved so unsuccessful. Because the soldiers of today are bogged down with so much rules regulations and responsibilities to assist after the fight. They can't do what it is that needs to be done because they weren't prepared like older soldiers. Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the soldiers are losing because the enemy is far to fluid. It's not a particular cause, it's an ideal. An ideal of independence. You'd resent it if someone came and told you what to wear and do every moment of your life. Why should these countries be any different? The fact that they are a country doesn't make the ideals involved any different. Simply a matter of scale and perspective. Perspective is somewhat magical, it changes the world to be better or worse depending on a single choice. So again I'm back at choices. So much of life revolves around the decision to go on rather than let it go. It seems an aggressive course as well. "I will succeed, I will keep living no matter what terrible things happen to me." Sometimes you only feel guilty if the crime is discovered. Some crimes are like that. Other crimes they eat away at you. And sometimes things eat away at us that people don't even realize. Like a throw a way comment not meant for anybody to take into full and meaningful consideration but it trips something inside you and then it begins it's awful course. Twisted away from it's purpose.

I read many things this is one of them...

http://www.reignofgaming.net/news/20807-what-i-learned-about-myself-in-the-last-6-months
It means nothing to a lot of people. It's about League which makes less people interested and Elementz is one of the characters in the league scene that everyone either seems to love or hate. Personally I'm a fan. I think he's still one of the best supports even after being benched from CLG and Curse's apparent lack of success. But this is his story about what happened to him during his time at CLG and Curse.

You should read it even if you don't like League or even care about gaming. But for those of you who won't here's a cut down version. He was demoted to support and his heart wasn't in it. He couldn't succeed at that role because he didn't feel like he wanted it. After getting benched he found his fire, he wanted to be the best support to show what CLG were now missing. He then talks about how you need to be passionate about what you do otherwise you won't be happy.

" You need to be confident. You need to have something to prove. You need to have something to STRIVE for! That's when you'll unlock the best you have to offer. When you're emotionally connected to what you're doing and what you love to do that's where true success shines through and I've got a lot to prove not only to myself, but to this community."


 This is probably the most important part of this article in my opinion. And when I read this I doubt myself. I'm not emotionally connected to much and success hasn't been a faithful companion these days. I'm rarely confident except on the outside and there's not much to strive for here.

Tonight I logged onto league because I thought that it would be a good time to get more IP in time to buy Ezreal who is getting a cool skin soon. But I stopped after two games and then it took me another hour to play again. This time with my friends. We won but I didn't feel like I'd done anything. And then I did something I abhor and I hate myself for it. I went looking for approval and praise. This should be earned not looked for. But I did it anyway. I should be happy with my performance unless there's something drastically wrong with it.

Times like those I hate myself.

I got a bike today.

Two clarifications. One It's not a new bike and two I cleaned and fixed my bike over the past few days and the new tube for the tire came today. I haven't used it in over two years I figure that it counts as new, so as new as things could actually get without physically buying or getting given something.

I received a Beta key for Planetside 2. More clarifications. Planetside 2 is a new MMOFPS(Massively Multiplayer Online First Person Shooter) that is going into beta soon. Beta is the state where the company allows members of the public to test and use the program. Closed Beta means that only selective people who have received Beta key's can access the Beta. An open Beta means anyone can try it. I recieved one of the keys that lets me into the closed Beta. Well sort of. Technically it's only a priority access beta key. Which means that I'm let into the closed Beta before other people who have simply signed up for the beta. I'm very happy about this. So there's something to be happy about.

I'm not so much sad as another one of my indifferent spells. I don't feel sad and there's little to be happy about. I suppose life looming over me isn't exactly helping. Drama assessment due Tuesday next and I've just realized that I've made a catastrophic mistake in my book work. Art assessment that we never actually did is bugging me. I'm trying to get into my folio assignment but I'm not exactly thrilled about the topic I've chosen. Any suggestions would be welcome, just not a film festival, that's what I'm doing at the moment and just eww.

Not having an Ipod makes me appreciate my computer more. And I have got to stop watching livestreams. It just eats through my bandwidth. Especially when a patch for any videogame is coming up. That and communication is hard enough as it is.

I love you somebody. Not just anybody. It's simply nobody.

Today I got told I don't post much

It was heartening to know that Tania still looks for posts. But I've just been to busy. In between earning money, playing games, writing, schoolwork. It's almost like I haven't had time for feelings at all. But that is of course a lie. You cannot turn off your feelings any more than you can turn off the sun. Probably a bad metaphor because the sun does go down and science tells us that one day the sun will go out, so by my metaphor feelings will eventually disappear. And if you've seen equilibrium that isn't exactly a nice picture.

So I'm doing my English research project on H.G Wells. One of the Godfather's of Science Fiction. Being a genre close to my heart I love Wells' work but not just because it's science fiction. I don't like bad books just because they're Science Fiction. I like Wells' work because his characters are both believable and extremist. I don't know if people agree with me and I don't necessarily care. You don't like H.G Wells, oh well. He isn't for everyone. The way people like movies that others don't. All about personal freedoms and choices. Something that appears to be lacking from life in general these days. I still have personal freedom and choices but the timer on those choices is running low.

I told Micheal I needed some time to clear my head. And don't worry it's nothing serious. Just to many thoughts rushing around. I just needed some time to sort though them. I over think things, there are worse things that could be wrong with me. But while it doesn't affect me physically it can be a little crippling mentally. It's like being stuck, unable to move, but because you can't stop thinking.

Gee thanks Tania and Horowai . Now I want to watch Cardcaptor Sakura. Yes I am a mild anime nerd. And good news all round, my Splinter Cell Conviction has started working again. Now if only I could get a girlfriend. I'm just kidding I don't need one of them. At least it doesn't feel like it yet. Maybe later when I'm not sitting in my house doing educational and cleaning stuff.

Fortitude Gaming.

We are pretty cools guys. We play league and we don't afraid of anything. Except if top feeds the Darius. Then we fear him. But in all honesty we're a solid team. Not the best by any means but we're still a decent team when it comes down to it. It seems like that's become something rather prevalent in my life. I'm not good I'm just decent. Someone you'd pick but not first. Someone who you might rely on if a few other people weren't there. I still haven't found something where I'm the first person you go to, unless of course it's random information, I'm still pretty good at that.

But anyway, enough with the self depravity. Is that even the right word? Probably not but I really don't care. Illicit is not the same as Elicit. I found this out a few seconds ago. Provoking someone into telling the truth may get yourself out of the fire but it may also loose you respect. I think Modest Mouse's song Dashboard is pretty cool. The music video is really far fetched and somewhat bizarre, so pretty much standard for music videos. But I think it's really cool because I do... You should totally look it up, just because I want you to.

"To be honest if I were you I'd go for it." Never been in that situation so why am I giving advice?

Getting lectured.

Nobody really likes it when it's a criticism but when its a chance to improve your own knowledge based on the experiences of someone who has done more and knows more than you then chances are you'd take it. However when it comes to something that is as volatile as religion, well then it turns into a fifty fifty on whether or not you take it. I say this because I recently went to June Weekend. Which is a bible studies weekend that's run over queens birthday weekend. Which is generally in June, hence the name.

And at June weekend I had heaps of fun which is generally what happens which makes it a general fixture in my year around this time, plus LNI (Lower North Island). Both of which I missed last year. One for Fiddler and the other for Rachel's ball. And my parents are helping out with LNI this year so I'm not getting out of it even if I wanted to. But anyway onto the reason that I'm writing.

The speaker, who was American, was speaking on Romans 7 and 8. And he said, (Paraphrasing) "If you don't hate this life then you probably need to look at your attitude towards this world and Christ." And I don't hate this life. I enjoy the people that are in it and as I've stated before (somewhere) I believe that everybody has the potential for good and sure there are some bad eggs and rough times but there always seems to be some kind of light at the end. So this mean that I need to look at my attitude towards Christ? I'm still not sure. And I'm fine with waiting. Just because you are patient doesn't mean that you don't want the end to come. So I don't see waiting as a bad thing. There's plenty to busy ourselves with in the mean time. Friends to find and adventures to have. In all honesty I don't know what this means.

In all probability I think it means that I don't think I agree with everything that my religion says. For much of the doctrine I believe it whole-heartedly most days. (There are some days when I have a bit of a depression) But does this slight disagreement mean that I should leave? I mean some of that could be attributed to me just being hopeful and naive. But it still haunts me when I go to religious events. Because I don't quite fit. I've never quite fitted.

We want what we want.

Ain't nothing I can do about that. But because I want it doesn't mean that I get it. So if I want it bad enough shouldn't I go out and do my utmost to get it? So why don't I? I keep telling myself that I need something but I never seem to try and get it. I don't understand how my own mind works. I don't understand how I'm supposed to arrive at a conclusion that benefits me and everyone around me. I don't want to be selfish but I don't want to be entirely selfless as well.

And just like that it's gone. A light extinguished in front of my very eyes so sudden that the image is still burned into my irises. An image that hovers so tantalizing in front of your imagination that you could almost live it. It's gone and it will never be back. Because even if something close shows up at you doorstep it won't be the way you remember it and it sure as hell won't play out the way you want it to. So you move forward always looking back because you prefer that which came before to what happened and will. Because you don't have the stomach to live, move forward and change things for your own and others benefit. And because you think that it's far easier to simply be as is rather than try and change. Because change is hard for you.

And of course by you I mean me. "Please God make me stone." So that I don't know and feel this way. A single act. Who would have thought that a single act could trigger that. Usually circumstance has a beat down on me but today it was just one thing. Ain't the mind a beautiful thing.

Tell me you love me!

Or at least like me! Please?

Okay I have no idea what that was for. Call it me being weird. Or whatever you feel like I really don't care. I mean it's not like it was important or that I'm going to talk to anybody about it. I mean it's just me saying something on an internet forum. It's possibly the least important thing ever. But people still read it sometimes so I suppose it does have some relevance.

However that wasn't actually why I began to write this post. In all honesty I don't actually remember why I started this. I have realized that I say a few things a lot. Things like "However..." "But Still..." "But I digress..." Stuff like that. I suppose, oh that's another one, that it's just ingrained into my diary writing style. I think that it's just my way of easing my way out of corners. So instead of rendering a statement to be an absolute it instead becomes a view or something that might happen.

Same way with my supposed modesty. It's not modesty. It's me either covering for a mistake I might make or my self defeatist attitude telling me that I haven't done as well as I could have. And to an extent, oh there we go again, it's correct. I rarely put my entire effort in for the entire time period, I always slack off at both the start and the end. And I have a theory. I think it's because I'm not good at concentrating and I think my natural ability will carry me through. The former is end and the later is start if you can't figure that out. If you can't I'm slightly concerned.

Seems like enough.

Blacklight!

This post actually has very little to do with the game it just seemed like an easy way to get this started. First I am angry that the patch is so big, that is all to do with Blacklight. So umm, photoschool. yeah it's pretty great. I mean it can be slightly redundant because of it's reliance on film but there are plenty of camera's out there that do use film, it would just be a matter of finding both. I say slightly because most of the principals can be transferred but modern digital camera's help streamline the process and photo editing suites perform much the same function as a darkroom. So it's only slightly redundant, a very minuscule amount or redundancy. But other than that I think it's great and everyone should do it if they can.

There are some days where I don't feel like doing much,some nights where the same is applicable. Like tonight for instance. I could be being helpful or studying or any number of things that might benefit me. But tonight I just can't be fucked. Even playing league seems like an unnecessary hassle. So in fact after I've finished this I might just go to bed. Bed and Barcelona. My two favorite places in the world. One I visit frequently and one I never have. Hold on, I must check my list and see if I have accomplished anything. Nope, but they all were fairly long term goals. And now I have something to tack onto the end of number 5. Go to Paris.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4BA80-e2cwg Go to this link and listen to this song. It is cool and you should do it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHjpOzsQ9YI&feature=relmfu You should also listen to this because I think that it is cool as well.
I'm a fan of Fun. and Violins. However I do not think that Fun. and violins would go well together. It just doesn't seem to suit Fun. I feel that Fun. as a general rule tend to use more Brass than Strings. I wouldn't rule it out but it just strikes me as something that wouldn't happen unless Fun. was radically stepping out. But when you consider the difference in sound between the two of them. Whoo music commentary I could totally bullshit my way through a music critic show. Provided I knew something about the music. Oh and cared about it. I don't think I could be a professional critic. To much listening to music that I think isn't nice. But if I was payed then maybe I could suffer through it.

I get distracted easily. Youtube surfing is really fun if you start in the right place and pick the right links. But that in itself is really hard for some people. Yes Micheal I mean you. You end up in some pretty weird places. And I youtube surf a lot of the time and never end up anywhere near the stuff you end up at. It's downright bizarre that stuff.

FOOTBALL. Draw is up and I see that I am playing in Celeno Park on Saturday. Fun Fun. Means I don't have to get up that early. I think we should be playing at a later time personally. Nine in the morning is not a good time for me. First of all. It's in the morning. And second of all. It's nine but I have to warm up and travel before that, so that means getting up at around 7. Maybe earlier if I'm unlucky and we're playing further away. It's annoying sometimes but I LOVE FOOTBALL so it's fine. I need to be fitter. And stop lsitening to people's compliments. I need to play better. There is no alternative. I may be a very decent defender but I need to be better, I need to raise the bar so that I can be the very best player on our team. Because I feel strongly about playing football. It's hard work but so rewarding when you do it right. Just like most other sports. Except for Rugby. I don't like Rugby.

Well it's High Time.

High Time that I actually wrote another post. What is it like a month since the last one. 26th of April was the last one. So that's 20 days I think. My months and days maths is really horrible. But what can I write this about? I suppose I should start with the front of my mind. Right now I'm really liking a new game I've started playing. It's called Blacklight Retribution and its free to play. That means that it's full of micro transactions which are bloody annoying. Personally I believe that it shouldn't be that expensive to buy a bloody rifle. But then when you consider player retention you have to price it up. Otherwise you get no money or playerbase.

Then I'm also getting back into league. Considering that my Ranked team doesn't have a distinct AP carry player and I can play two of them I think I'm expected to slot into that. Or rather I'm slotting in because it's something we need and I'm fairly decent at it. So either way I'm doing a service to my friends.

I also helped Micheal cook his dinner last night. It was rather successful. Although he provided all of the ingredients and all I did was help him cook it. Still it felt nice. Well it was better than what I'm eating right now, which isn't all that bad. Chopped Tomato in a can and Tomato Garlic Pasta Sauce I think. Plus some spices because Spiciness is awesome for me.

I'm sleeping better and I'm playing better soccer I'm told. Personally I think I'm doing shit but that's apparently just me being critical. Well that seems adequate for now. Catcha.

Carry On Wayward Son...

Carry on my wayward son.
There'll be peace when you are done.
Lay your weary head to rest.
Don't you cry no more.


Will there be peace when I'm done? I don't know. Everyday I ask myself something similar to this. And I have to believe that there is. What other choice do I have?

I used to be sad that people seemed to have an equal amount of fun when I was around and wasn't. But that's just my vanity speaking. Being around just makes it so that you have fun as well. So overall fun levels are increased.

I'm writing again. Short commentaries on memories, philosophies and feelings. Each of them have a name associated to them. I'm fairly certain that you can guess what name goes to what topic. And I already have explanations. So if you ask then I will have an answer. It's not just me making excuses.

I would like to watch the Sixth and Seventh series of Supernatural now. I think it's my favorite TV series. Yeah it's definitely my favorite.Mentalist gave it a run for it's money but it's Supernatural. I'm not gonna justify it. I just like it more than anything else on TV right now. Or ever. Especially because it doesn't feature Zombies very much and vampires are not cuddly and in relationships. I am over those particular fads especially vampires. I feel like shoving Bram Stoker's Dracula into some of their faces and shouting "VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE!!" Of course that just answers the Twihards. But it would be very satisfying.

My knees gone to buggery. I can walk but not easilly and putting pressure on it hurts a moderate amount. I suppose walking to Micheal's wasn't my best idea.

So carry on, because it's better than staying still or going backwards.

It's Mine nobody else's.

I'm a selfish bastard sometimes but this time it's mine. Nobody gets to see it until I'm good and ready. NOBODY. I know I want people to think I'm a good writer and sometimes you want people to see that. But this is to personal.

I need to calm down. I'm getting hysterical. Nobody even knew about it before this.

It's to personal. It's the truth honest and simple. And I don't think I'm ready for people to know some truths about me. Especially Micheal and Rachel and Tania. I know you are the only people who read this but when I write something on this it's open to the world. This is a record of thoughts, feelings, ideas that I see fit to render unto the world. If I want to say something to you then I would just say it. But will I really. Or will I just sit there a smile on my face and tell you bullshit.

I can be a bad friend at times. But I don't want to be. I've done bad things before. Things that it pains me to think about. Things that I will always regret no matter what good deed I do to clear my conscience. I am haunted by the ghosts of past wrongs and I can only sit here and whine about it. I am self righteous, arrogant and self pitying. All in all I think I should be flattered you stick around. I have done all these things and now I cast them out without even revealing one truth about them. I'm seeking only pity.

And that is incredibly unattractive.

The New Zealand Christadelphian Youth Conference 2012

To be honest... It wasn't as awesome as I thought it would be. Some of it due to insomnia and a very thin sleeping bag. Some of it due to hype that was not fulfilled. The last time I went to Youth Conference it was pretty much the highlight of my church year plus it ranked pretty high on my overall year. So I was expecting great things from this one, but meh. The activities were substandard, the talks were incredibly short, the discussion groups went on for to long ad weren't focused enough. Bear in mind this is all my opinion. It was still a great camp but I would have loved for a few things to change. Plus the hosts sometimes seemed to be more aggressive about things this year. And nature didn't come to the party for some of it. The weather was nice and sunny but the river was bitterly cold and smaller so my kayaking adventure with two friends wasn't as awesome as we'd hoped. But still. If I'd stayed at home I would't have had the kayaking adventure or seen a lot of my friends.

I must however admit that the aftermath of conference was awesomer than conference was itself. (Awesomer is apparently not a word but screw you dictionary) Screwing around in wellington, eating riding four person bikes, seeing how many police cars we could take out in a video game. It was pretty fun and in my opinion way better than any camp. I still love camps but just visiting someone and doing whatever you want with other people from that place is the most fun that I will probably ever have. I suppose that it can be related to my like of going where I want when I please. It seems incredibly cardinal when I look at like that but still I enjoy my freedom. Whatever that freedom may be.

Still, I like the word still as an introduction to counterpoints or even unrelated pieces of information. It's hard not to have an opinion on everything. I suppose that somewhere there is a word that means someone who forms opinion despite no experience. There is a word like that but with different context. However  I can't remember how to spell it. *Shrugs*

Miss talking to you. Spose I should start conversation. But I'm still hoping that you start.

To be called melancholic.

I think some days I could be. People ask you if you are alright and the first thing that pops into my head is no, but I say yes. Because I don't want to have to talk with that person. For the most part I'm fine, just some days. I'm like a broken record with that. Some days. Some days I'm fine and some days I'm not. I guess it's just me. I should be doing my drama. But I feel like writing this so I do. That and I really don't feel like picking apart my performance right now. It makes sense to test our competency in the understanding of what we do why we do it. But right now I just feel like rolling over and watching my hand slowly clench and unclench. Another weird habit that I've picked up and will probably drop in a few weeks. It's nearly always the right hand because that's the abnormal hand, the one with the slight deformation. The hand that seems like me, regular but there's something odd about it, something glaringly obvious once you look at it, but innocuous to the casual observer.

I've realized that when you look at yourself you can't always see what people see in you. But at the same token I don't want to live my life making other people happy, at least not all of the time. I don't want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness. As Fall Out Boy put it. I want to have my own and be heavy involved in others. If memory serves then I've used that lyric before. And if I haven't then I'm wondering why I haven't used it before. My unusual memory, I can't remember a deadline or a classroom change but I can remember that my brother and me used to pretend we were monkeys and climb trees, we ate leaves once and they didn't taste like anything. I also remember throw away comments. Such as "Jordan's so rough, he's like full on in the face wham." quote from Tamara there. And it pains people that I remember these things some time. I also get things which I have labeled memory strikes. Where a previously unremarkable memory comes to the front of your head. Such as now. The multi-people Skype call we had were people dropped in and out all the time. And Rachel was unhappy because I'd forgot to mention I was moving soon. Why now though? Why remember now?

Congratulations random memory. I dedicate this to you. Whatever it is. I don't think it's a poem and it's most likely not a song. Just label it prose and be done with it.

"I am the black cat, unhindered in night and spurned in the day. Those who do not despise me are despised themselves. I am the black cat, best left alone in the night. 


I am the white cat, who shines in the night and is welcomed in the day. Those who despise me are despised themselves. I am the white cat, not content to be left in the night.


I am the grey cat, who walks the fine line twixt dark and light. Despised by some yet welcomed by others. I am the grey cat, who does not belong.


I am the cat, who does not know where he should walk. The cat who cannot see what color I am and sometimes does not wish to know. I am the cat who wants to belong.


I am the tom cat. Who needs none and none need him. Despised by all and loved by only myself. I am the cat who will never belong."

Smile like you mean it...

You don't actually have to mean it but at least pretend. Or maybe you shouldn't because if there is nothing to smile about then why should you smile. But perhaps you've gotten so used to not smiling that you no longer know what to smile at. So maybe you should smile like you mean it.

There we go I've managed to provide a small example of circular logic. Logic that will eventually and inevitably end up at it's beginning, thus making the beginning and end irrelevant. Irrelevance is fun at times but there is a time and place for everything, like displays of affection. I don't mind a small kiss now and then between the two members of a relationship, but don't grope or snog in my vicinity. Unless of course I'm the one doing the groping or snogging. Snogging. It's an ugly word isn't it? But being used to British Drama I can't get used to calling it anything but that. And who knows maybe I've been getting it wrong and I've been mistakenly labeling something. However I'm not likely to know that until I meet someone from Britain and have intent and opportunity to talk about snogging. But that would be somewhat concerning seeing as it would obviously be someone I have not met before and now suddenly we are discussing the meaning of the word snog, preposterous it couldn't happen. But then I've thought that some other things were impossible and some of them came true. So who I am to judge the difference between impossible and possible. I could be wrong and all things I consider possible are impossible and vice versa. If you build to the highest point then later someone else builds higher which is the apex? And who decides the apex, is it the first man or the second. I use man objectively of course, because the building industry is becoming more and more accessible to women, which I don't consider to be a good thing, this isn't because I'm sexist heaven forbid. But there are more and more places that are becoming open to women which makes less room for men to be manly. See while many woman may want to be a builder, not many, comparatively, want to be fashion designers. Of course there are some but when you compare the to I have no doubt that the men will be less than the woman, of course I may yet be wrong. Because I'm wrong a reasonable amount of the time which leaves reasonably doubt as to my deduction in two things I have little to no interest in. I think I would make a very good builder or fashion designer but I have no interest in it. A bit like I'm a good cook but I wouldn't want to be a professional cook. The hours are two long and from what I can tell there isn't a great deal of room for experimentation. The experiment is the name of Dane Rumble's debut album. Rumble is a champion on league of legends. By definition a foot is a "legend", Leg end. To become legendary you must score more than five kills in a row without dying. Sometimes I feel like my heart is dying. If you look closely on the video game Skyrim the enemy Briar-Heart have had their heart cut out and replaced with a magic plant. Plants are a reasonably common enemy in some games in movie thanks to the hype provided by people who believe that one day plants will evolve as we did and try and eliminate us. If you eliminate two choices often the third is the correct one. Even more often a fourth choice would have worked better but you never find out about that until afterwards, for instance to let Rachel go when she dumped me may have worked out better than the path I choose, but this was not apparent until about three months later, or three long talks with Micheal and an indefinite number of blog posts. I post blogs when I feel like writing because I find it hard to continue a story for any extended period of time. My mind begins to wander and I inevitably come up with another concept. Conceptual thinking is only one area of a project. Projects are something we did in years 7 and 8. Now we have assignments. Often when working hard on assignments I don't eat or sleep, this also happens with marathon gaming sessions. There was once an ipod app that had you as a dentist. It wasn't very successful. I haven't been to the dentist in about three months. I should probably go soon. Smile like you mean it...

Rise Against.

One of my favorite bands. Because well... It's hard to sum up in a few words. So time for rambling, whooo.

If I'm feeling angry at anything I like to listen to heavier music. No screamo, I hate the screaming songs and they'd probably just put me more on edge. But heavier songs, songs where the guitar is heavy, the bass is almost as loud as the guitar and the drums come thick and fast. I'd call it therapeutic but I'm not sure that it's qualified as a proper method of treatment. But it disperses my rage so I'm happy. I don't think, no wait that's a lie, there are other people around me that I've met who also don't like listening to light stuff when their angry. However when I'm melancholy don't let me listen to heavy stuff. I just get angry at whatever is making me sad. I keep saying I'm odd like that but I'd hedge bets on the fact that there are others that feel the same way as me. So that's why I like it when I'm angry, rage release and such. But there's more to it than that.

The lyrics have been somewhat liberally interpreted all over the internet. Trust me I've looked. But a general pattern is that most, if not all, of their lyrics are about issues that are relevant all over the world. Poverty, pollution, depression. The list goes on. And that's why I like Rise Against because unlike most raise awareness kind of things Rise Against actually do stuff. Because raising awareness is all well and good but if there is no action taken or example to follow then nothing happens. Rise Against are frequent donators to charities who make a difference.

Third, they've evolved past entirely screamo. Some of their old songs where entirely screamo and now they only have coarse yelling to emphasize words and lines. I do like a band who turns it's back on screamo but that's just me being petty.

Today I asked myself a question

It's a question that I have asked myself many many times but have never really got the right answer to. The question is this, "Why do you enjoy playing games so much?" I've come up with answers before but I never really was happy with them.

One answer is that the games are so much more interesting than life itself. But that's not entirely true. Some games are really boring. But that's not what I meant. I meant that it's not entirely the answer I'm looking for. Sure games are incredibly interesting, they're designed that way. If a game wasn't interesting it wouldn't be made or sold, with the exception of some political and racial movement supporting games and some incredibly bad decisions on some publishers parts. And every game is tailored to a particular market, which is why I think that Dead Space 2 is one of the better games out there and my friend Horowai thinks that it's horrible and scary and wouldn't play it. Mind you he is a wet blouse sometimes, that's not to insult him or anything like that, simply a statement that he scares incredibly easily. Perhaps I should have phrased it better, but I digress. It's a good answer and it can be considered true when you consider the parts but I don't think it is my answer.

Another is that it's a way for me to hide from the world. For me this is more relevant. So the answer is more true. However I don't hide from the world every day. In fact I frequently embrace it. I go to school and visit people when I have the time (and their address). I play sports, I socialize. But I do go home and play games for hours on end because it enables me to escape some of the more stressful parts of my life. Because I know that in a game what matters for the most part is the skill level of me, and a select few around me. There are no external factors like the weather, close friends feelings, employers feelings. The decisions I make affect my world and only my world so this spares others from any potentially poor decisions that I may make. It's a closed world where I can get things wrong as much as I want and I can start again. In real life we get one chance, there are no quick saves and quick loads, no checkpoints and no reset button.

And last of all. It's a bad habit. An addiction same as smoking or drugs. But it doesn't keep me up at night, I don't go to sleep wishing I was still playing. I don't get unbearable cravings to play. I do sometimes want to play games but they can wait, I don't fake sick to stay home and play games. It's not an addiction that I can tell. It's a hobby I enjoy and am able to frequently partake of.

So I don't have an answer. Not one I'm happy with anyway. The closest I've come is they're an escape for me. But that's not trues because I do face my problems when I'm good and ready. So maybe they are just a placeholder. Something for me to focus my attention on while I try and figure out a problem.

There we have it.

Today the world snuck up on me.

I wasn't really prepared for it. Before this gets really silly an explanation is in order. The girls soccer this year only has one team so unfortunately 7 or 8 girls miss out. One of them bought new boots for it and now doesn't get to use them. That's what got me. 50-100 dollars, maybe even more, down the drain because they weren't quote unquote good enough. And unfortunately this kind of thing does happen more often than not. And it makes me sad, however I cannot fix the world, because I am to lazy and to inexperienced to do so.

I wish I could change it, who doesn't (wait don't answer that). Everyone has an idea of what the world should look like, even if that view may or may not be culturally or racially biased. Mine happens to be a world where people can do what they feel like, within reason, without fear of reproach or the fear that you aren't good enough. But I have no idea how to get the world to that state. Plus once it's there what do you do? A world full of impulses is not a good thing. That is why unless someone who can see the entire picture and what's best for everyone, like every religion's savior figure, no single man or woman should take control of the world.

I'm a bit surprised at how enjoyable talking about this is. Obviously I don't enjoy the feeling of helplessness when I look at the state of the world. But to talk about it, to write down my thoughts and feelings about particular subjects is enjoyable, while I concede that it may not be a good thing to inflict my writing upon the world there is a simple solution to this. If you don't want to listen, don't read it. It's as simple as that.

However in the practical mind of those who object to live journals as my kind of blog is, this kind of blog is irrelevant. However to the more creative mind such as mine they are sometimes a necessity and if not a good companion to the mindset. It gives a place for the things that cannot be forced into lyric or fiction or drawing to be placed and recorded.

For the upteenth time today I wish I could play an instrument. But my mind wanders to freely to learn. Oh well.

And to end a disclaimer. The short story The Three Phases is not meant to represent truth. It may be partly based on truth but it does not represent my opinion of that part of my life. The assumptions that the story makes are not those that I have made. End of disclaimer. And co-incidentally end of blog.