Carry On Wayward Son...

Carry on my wayward son.
There'll be peace when you are done.
Lay your weary head to rest.
Don't you cry no more.


Will there be peace when I'm done? I don't know. Everyday I ask myself something similar to this. And I have to believe that there is. What other choice do I have?

I used to be sad that people seemed to have an equal amount of fun when I was around and wasn't. But that's just my vanity speaking. Being around just makes it so that you have fun as well. So overall fun levels are increased.

I'm writing again. Short commentaries on memories, philosophies and feelings. Each of them have a name associated to them. I'm fairly certain that you can guess what name goes to what topic. And I already have explanations. So if you ask then I will have an answer. It's not just me making excuses.

I would like to watch the Sixth and Seventh series of Supernatural now. I think it's my favorite TV series. Yeah it's definitely my favorite.Mentalist gave it a run for it's money but it's Supernatural. I'm not gonna justify it. I just like it more than anything else on TV right now. Or ever. Especially because it doesn't feature Zombies very much and vampires are not cuddly and in relationships. I am over those particular fads especially vampires. I feel like shoving Bram Stoker's Dracula into some of their faces and shouting "VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE!!" Of course that just answers the Twihards. But it would be very satisfying.

My knees gone to buggery. I can walk but not easilly and putting pressure on it hurts a moderate amount. I suppose walking to Micheal's wasn't my best idea.

So carry on, because it's better than staying still or going backwards.

It's Mine nobody else's.

I'm a selfish bastard sometimes but this time it's mine. Nobody gets to see it until I'm good and ready. NOBODY. I know I want people to think I'm a good writer and sometimes you want people to see that. But this is to personal.

I need to calm down. I'm getting hysterical. Nobody even knew about it before this.

It's to personal. It's the truth honest and simple. And I don't think I'm ready for people to know some truths about me. Especially Micheal and Rachel and Tania. I know you are the only people who read this but when I write something on this it's open to the world. This is a record of thoughts, feelings, ideas that I see fit to render unto the world. If I want to say something to you then I would just say it. But will I really. Or will I just sit there a smile on my face and tell you bullshit.

I can be a bad friend at times. But I don't want to be. I've done bad things before. Things that it pains me to think about. Things that I will always regret no matter what good deed I do to clear my conscience. I am haunted by the ghosts of past wrongs and I can only sit here and whine about it. I am self righteous, arrogant and self pitying. All in all I think I should be flattered you stick around. I have done all these things and now I cast them out without even revealing one truth about them. I'm seeking only pity.

And that is incredibly unattractive.

The New Zealand Christadelphian Youth Conference 2012

To be honest... It wasn't as awesome as I thought it would be. Some of it due to insomnia and a very thin sleeping bag. Some of it due to hype that was not fulfilled. The last time I went to Youth Conference it was pretty much the highlight of my church year plus it ranked pretty high on my overall year. So I was expecting great things from this one, but meh. The activities were substandard, the talks were incredibly short, the discussion groups went on for to long ad weren't focused enough. Bear in mind this is all my opinion. It was still a great camp but I would have loved for a few things to change. Plus the hosts sometimes seemed to be more aggressive about things this year. And nature didn't come to the party for some of it. The weather was nice and sunny but the river was bitterly cold and smaller so my kayaking adventure with two friends wasn't as awesome as we'd hoped. But still. If I'd stayed at home I would't have had the kayaking adventure or seen a lot of my friends.

I must however admit that the aftermath of conference was awesomer than conference was itself. (Awesomer is apparently not a word but screw you dictionary) Screwing around in wellington, eating riding four person bikes, seeing how many police cars we could take out in a video game. It was pretty fun and in my opinion way better than any camp. I still love camps but just visiting someone and doing whatever you want with other people from that place is the most fun that I will probably ever have. I suppose that it can be related to my like of going where I want when I please. It seems incredibly cardinal when I look at like that but still I enjoy my freedom. Whatever that freedom may be.

Still, I like the word still as an introduction to counterpoints or even unrelated pieces of information. It's hard not to have an opinion on everything. I suppose that somewhere there is a word that means someone who forms opinion despite no experience. There is a word like that but with different context. However  I can't remember how to spell it. *Shrugs*

Miss talking to you. Spose I should start conversation. But I'm still hoping that you start.

To be called melancholic.

I think some days I could be. People ask you if you are alright and the first thing that pops into my head is no, but I say yes. Because I don't want to have to talk with that person. For the most part I'm fine, just some days. I'm like a broken record with that. Some days. Some days I'm fine and some days I'm not. I guess it's just me. I should be doing my drama. But I feel like writing this so I do. That and I really don't feel like picking apart my performance right now. It makes sense to test our competency in the understanding of what we do why we do it. But right now I just feel like rolling over and watching my hand slowly clench and unclench. Another weird habit that I've picked up and will probably drop in a few weeks. It's nearly always the right hand because that's the abnormal hand, the one with the slight deformation. The hand that seems like me, regular but there's something odd about it, something glaringly obvious once you look at it, but innocuous to the casual observer.

I've realized that when you look at yourself you can't always see what people see in you. But at the same token I don't want to live my life making other people happy, at least not all of the time. I don't want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness. As Fall Out Boy put it. I want to have my own and be heavy involved in others. If memory serves then I've used that lyric before. And if I haven't then I'm wondering why I haven't used it before. My unusual memory, I can't remember a deadline or a classroom change but I can remember that my brother and me used to pretend we were monkeys and climb trees, we ate leaves once and they didn't taste like anything. I also remember throw away comments. Such as "Jordan's so rough, he's like full on in the face wham." quote from Tamara there. And it pains people that I remember these things some time. I also get things which I have labeled memory strikes. Where a previously unremarkable memory comes to the front of your head. Such as now. The multi-people Skype call we had were people dropped in and out all the time. And Rachel was unhappy because I'd forgot to mention I was moving soon. Why now though? Why remember now?

Congratulations random memory. I dedicate this to you. Whatever it is. I don't think it's a poem and it's most likely not a song. Just label it prose and be done with it.

"I am the black cat, unhindered in night and spurned in the day. Those who do not despise me are despised themselves. I am the black cat, best left alone in the night. 


I am the white cat, who shines in the night and is welcomed in the day. Those who despise me are despised themselves. I am the white cat, not content to be left in the night.


I am the grey cat, who walks the fine line twixt dark and light. Despised by some yet welcomed by others. I am the grey cat, who does not belong.


I am the cat, who does not know where he should walk. The cat who cannot see what color I am and sometimes does not wish to know. I am the cat who wants to belong.


I am the tom cat. Who needs none and none need him. Despised by all and loved by only myself. I am the cat who will never belong."

Smile like you mean it...

You don't actually have to mean it but at least pretend. Or maybe you shouldn't because if there is nothing to smile about then why should you smile. But perhaps you've gotten so used to not smiling that you no longer know what to smile at. So maybe you should smile like you mean it.

There we go I've managed to provide a small example of circular logic. Logic that will eventually and inevitably end up at it's beginning, thus making the beginning and end irrelevant. Irrelevance is fun at times but there is a time and place for everything, like displays of affection. I don't mind a small kiss now and then between the two members of a relationship, but don't grope or snog in my vicinity. Unless of course I'm the one doing the groping or snogging. Snogging. It's an ugly word isn't it? But being used to British Drama I can't get used to calling it anything but that. And who knows maybe I've been getting it wrong and I've been mistakenly labeling something. However I'm not likely to know that until I meet someone from Britain and have intent and opportunity to talk about snogging. But that would be somewhat concerning seeing as it would obviously be someone I have not met before and now suddenly we are discussing the meaning of the word snog, preposterous it couldn't happen. But then I've thought that some other things were impossible and some of them came true. So who I am to judge the difference between impossible and possible. I could be wrong and all things I consider possible are impossible and vice versa. If you build to the highest point then later someone else builds higher which is the apex? And who decides the apex, is it the first man or the second. I use man objectively of course, because the building industry is becoming more and more accessible to women, which I don't consider to be a good thing, this isn't because I'm sexist heaven forbid. But there are more and more places that are becoming open to women which makes less room for men to be manly. See while many woman may want to be a builder, not many, comparatively, want to be fashion designers. Of course there are some but when you compare the to I have no doubt that the men will be less than the woman, of course I may yet be wrong. Because I'm wrong a reasonable amount of the time which leaves reasonably doubt as to my deduction in two things I have little to no interest in. I think I would make a very good builder or fashion designer but I have no interest in it. A bit like I'm a good cook but I wouldn't want to be a professional cook. The hours are two long and from what I can tell there isn't a great deal of room for experimentation. The experiment is the name of Dane Rumble's debut album. Rumble is a champion on league of legends. By definition a foot is a "legend", Leg end. To become legendary you must score more than five kills in a row without dying. Sometimes I feel like my heart is dying. If you look closely on the video game Skyrim the enemy Briar-Heart have had their heart cut out and replaced with a magic plant. Plants are a reasonably common enemy in some games in movie thanks to the hype provided by people who believe that one day plants will evolve as we did and try and eliminate us. If you eliminate two choices often the third is the correct one. Even more often a fourth choice would have worked better but you never find out about that until afterwards, for instance to let Rachel go when she dumped me may have worked out better than the path I choose, but this was not apparent until about three months later, or three long talks with Micheal and an indefinite number of blog posts. I post blogs when I feel like writing because I find it hard to continue a story for any extended period of time. My mind begins to wander and I inevitably come up with another concept. Conceptual thinking is only one area of a project. Projects are something we did in years 7 and 8. Now we have assignments. Often when working hard on assignments I don't eat or sleep, this also happens with marathon gaming sessions. There was once an ipod app that had you as a dentist. It wasn't very successful. I haven't been to the dentist in about three months. I should probably go soon. Smile like you mean it...