From the raging success that my favorite movies was... well I liked it. And from the title you might gather that I'm going tell you my favorite books. You don't want to read, well why are you reading this?
So here we go. Number five we have, this is odd. I can't think of one off the top of my head. I can think of the other four easy enough. But the fifth one is an odd one. Now that I think about it. Paper Towns, John Green. When I first read this I didn't like it because of the ending. I would quote something but I can't remember exactly what I said. But now that I think about it. It's real. You don't always get the girl. The ending encapsulates life better than a lot of Romance book's I've read. *Shrugs* I've read a few. Plus the story line was riveting and for my original problems with the very end the lead up to it was very well wrote.
Okey dokey. Here's the easier ones. Mort. Terry Pratchett.
Definitely one of the more funnier books I've ever read but I expect that from Terry Pratchett. The humor's my kind of humor. And you don't get many books with Death as a supporting character, let alone the depth that goes into this particular Death. And it had a happy ending. I'm a sucker for happy endings.
Three, Scarecrow, Matthew Reilly.
This is one of those seat of the pants adventures that never seems to let up for a minute. And I loved every Minute. I can sit down with this book and read it in one sitting. It's addictive, always a good quality in a book, something textbooks lack. And it features a tragic romance. The main character's girlfriend gets killed in a very brutal way. I didn't enjoy it but it was skillfully written and I had to admire the sequence for that.
Two is Christopher Paolini's Epic, Eragon.
Only the first book in the series. That's definitely my favorite out of the three soon to be four. I'm so stoked for the new book. Last in the series. But it makes you wonder what is he going to do after this? It wasn't as seat of the pants as Scarecrow. More like an adventure with set goals rather than run and gun your way out of situations. And the change of pace makes you think more. Plus it has twists and turns like anything. And reoccurring plot elements for days. I love that.
Now my number one favorite book ever (so far).
Sundays at Tiffany's by James Patterson.
To be honest I'm not sure why I read this book for the first time. I think it was to show people that I wasn't as scary as my imposing stature suggests. At least that was the reasoning I more think that it was because I had never read any romance novels and I wanted to. It was about imaginary friends, something I never had. True story I never had an imaginary friend. I was just that loner baby. And in kindy Mum would come to pick me up and I'd be sitting with the girls instead of playing in the sandpit. And No I'm not gay. That's the story. I don't remember this sitting with girls. So I can't ratify it. Anyway. I liked it because it had a happy ending. The guy got the girl and vice a versa. But the story wasn't realistic because it had imaginary friends in it. So it didn't matter that the ending wasn't true. It was just a great book, in my opinion. Of course other people may think it's garbage. But the people who read this should at least read Sundays at Tiffany's. I thought it was brilliant and your reading this so while I have your attention I'm going to promote my views.
That's all for now.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
Monday, 31 October 2011
Saturday, 29 October 2011
My ten Favorite Movies.
Well I've been meaning to do this for a while. And seeing as the top ten has just been jumbled I figured now is as good a time as any. So Here we go.
First up we have, "The Bucket List"
I just watched this movie today so it ended up bumping out the other movie. It's a movie about two people who make the most out of what time they have left. Kind of like I don't. Except I'm not diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don't use my time wisely however. So It taught me something. To much awkwardness at the hospital at the start for my liking. That's why it's at number ten.
Moving on we come to number nine, "Fearless"
The movie was originally shot in Chinese. I think. Does Jet Li come from China? I'm on the internet and I'm to lazy to find out. Anyway. This particular tale is about mastering yourself. It does involve fighting with kung fu which is always a plus among men but the lessons that the main character teaches aren't just about fighting. Their about respect and fair play. But having to watch a dubbed version didn't make it that great because you could constantly see the lips not matching the words.
Okay. "500 Days of Summer" 8.
The first designated "Chick Flick" on my list. (I have two). I like this because it's honest. In real life the guy doesn't always get the girl. "This isn't a love story. This is a story about love." Plus like Micheal, I have a major celeb crush on Zooey Deschanel. I've heard it said she's a less slutty version of Katy Perry. But she came first so shouldn't that be Katy Perry is a sluttier version of her? It's at 8 because sometimes it just doesn't hit the sweet spots.
Wlololololol. 7, Equilibrium.
The acting was wooden most of the time. But in this case it accentuates the film rather than taking away from it. I mean I'm no movie critic but if the live in a place where emotion is outlawed the acting has to be wooden at some points. Some people just don't get that. Your supposed to want more from the characters in this. Your supposed to want to see them feel. Ahh ignorance. Some people enjoy it far to much. But the Gun Kata sequences where pure awesome and the narrative was very compelling. But while the wooden acting was necessary it was a bit distracting at some points.
7, no I just did seven. 6. Sherlock Holmes. The Robert Downey Jr. Version.
I always liked Holmes. He appealed to my sense of intellect and now he appeals to my sense of adventure. I like this version more than the others because Holmes was more eccentric and did things himself rather than relying on inspector Lestrade or whatever his name was. Plus Downey Jr and Jude Law are some of my favourite actors.
Number Five. Hurt Locker
Seeing as this beat out Avatar for best Movie it had to feature somewhere. And the Kings Speech isn't here because I haven't seen it yet. But anyhow. It's about war which again is mostly always a plus for guys. But It's about the other side. The side where they don't kill people always. They try and save them more often. It shows us most facets of active warfare in no glamorous light. And I admire it for that.
Music and Lyrics. Number 4
The second of my designated Chick Flicks. Hugh Grant seems to only ever do Romantic comedies. But it showed the other side of love. The bone headed determination to do anything, to get her back. I like that. I haven't shown it in my own life because the only people I ever wanted to get back had or have firmly moved away. So maybe one day. Plus it's about music. So that's cool.
Dadadadada na.... 3 V for Vendetta
Hugo Weaving is another of my favorite actors. I loved him in Lord of the rings but none of those stood so well on their own. So that's why their not here. And I loved him in the matrix. But they were mostly about beating people up. Good movies. But Not as good as these in my opinion. And you couldn't help but like V. He was an anti hero. Tortured, wronged and standing up. But didn't like Natalie Portman in this. That's why it's 3 not one.
Freedom begins with an act of "Defiance" Number 2.
Daniel Craig. Yet Another of my favorite actors. It seems odd my top two when you think that they are both Historical Drama's. (Brief hint at my favorite) War again so plus points with the guys. But it's more about the little man's struggle against something that is far bigger than what he is . But he continues to struggle and he refuses to back down. I think that's admirable. Again I've ever had to show this kind of thing in my real life.
And last and most important. My number one Favourite movie ever (So far)
Amazing Grace.
It's hard to say what I liked so much about this movie. It had a little bit of everything. Except shooting. Romance, intrigue, betrayal, political machinations.
And it was about a poignant point in history. And it was about one mans passion.
The passion to make life better.
Most of my favorite movies are my favorite because I identify or admire one of the characters. Or in some cases more than one. So there's my light hearted post. Makes a change from the deep ones.
In the name of the Emperor. Finish this!
First up we have, "The Bucket List"
I just watched this movie today so it ended up bumping out the other movie. It's a movie about two people who make the most out of what time they have left. Kind of like I don't. Except I'm not diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don't use my time wisely however. So It taught me something. To much awkwardness at the hospital at the start for my liking. That's why it's at number ten.
Moving on we come to number nine, "Fearless"
The movie was originally shot in Chinese. I think. Does Jet Li come from China? I'm on the internet and I'm to lazy to find out. Anyway. This particular tale is about mastering yourself. It does involve fighting with kung fu which is always a plus among men but the lessons that the main character teaches aren't just about fighting. Their about respect and fair play. But having to watch a dubbed version didn't make it that great because you could constantly see the lips not matching the words.
Okay. "500 Days of Summer" 8.
The first designated "Chick Flick" on my list. (I have two). I like this because it's honest. In real life the guy doesn't always get the girl. "This isn't a love story. This is a story about love." Plus like Micheal, I have a major celeb crush on Zooey Deschanel. I've heard it said she's a less slutty version of Katy Perry. But she came first so shouldn't that be Katy Perry is a sluttier version of her? It's at 8 because sometimes it just doesn't hit the sweet spots.
Wlololololol. 7, Equilibrium.
The acting was wooden most of the time. But in this case it accentuates the film rather than taking away from it. I mean I'm no movie critic but if the live in a place where emotion is outlawed the acting has to be wooden at some points. Some people just don't get that. Your supposed to want more from the characters in this. Your supposed to want to see them feel. Ahh ignorance. Some people enjoy it far to much. But the Gun Kata sequences where pure awesome and the narrative was very compelling. But while the wooden acting was necessary it was a bit distracting at some points.
7, no I just did seven. 6. Sherlock Holmes. The Robert Downey Jr. Version.
I always liked Holmes. He appealed to my sense of intellect and now he appeals to my sense of adventure. I like this version more than the others because Holmes was more eccentric and did things himself rather than relying on inspector Lestrade or whatever his name was. Plus Downey Jr and Jude Law are some of my favourite actors.
Number Five. Hurt Locker
Seeing as this beat out Avatar for best Movie it had to feature somewhere. And the Kings Speech isn't here because I haven't seen it yet. But anyhow. It's about war which again is mostly always a plus for guys. But It's about the other side. The side where they don't kill people always. They try and save them more often. It shows us most facets of active warfare in no glamorous light. And I admire it for that.
Music and Lyrics. Number 4
The second of my designated Chick Flicks. Hugh Grant seems to only ever do Romantic comedies. But it showed the other side of love. The bone headed determination to do anything, to get her back. I like that. I haven't shown it in my own life because the only people I ever wanted to get back had or have firmly moved away. So maybe one day. Plus it's about music. So that's cool.
Dadadadada na.... 3 V for Vendetta
Hugo Weaving is another of my favorite actors. I loved him in Lord of the rings but none of those stood so well on their own. So that's why their not here. And I loved him in the matrix. But they were mostly about beating people up. Good movies. But Not as good as these in my opinion. And you couldn't help but like V. He was an anti hero. Tortured, wronged and standing up. But didn't like Natalie Portman in this. That's why it's 3 not one.
Freedom begins with an act of "Defiance" Number 2.
Daniel Craig. Yet Another of my favorite actors. It seems odd my top two when you think that they are both Historical Drama's. (Brief hint at my favorite) War again so plus points with the guys. But it's more about the little man's struggle against something that is far bigger than what he is . But he continues to struggle and he refuses to back down. I think that's admirable. Again I've ever had to show this kind of thing in my real life.
And last and most important. My number one Favourite movie ever (So far)
Amazing Grace.
It's hard to say what I liked so much about this movie. It had a little bit of everything. Except shooting. Romance, intrigue, betrayal, political machinations.
And it was about a poignant point in history. And it was about one mans passion.
The passion to make life better.
Most of my favorite movies are my favorite because I identify or admire one of the characters. Or in some cases more than one. So there's my light hearted post. Makes a change from the deep ones.
In the name of the Emperor. Finish this!
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Don't tell me I'm at fault
Don't chastise me for doing exactly what you told me to. We don't all jump to do what you say with all haste. I will do what you tell me to. Just give me breathing space.
Now that I've bitched about my father. I'm meant to be doing homework but I'm still pissed off with dad. But enough of that.
Rachel asked who the mystery girl was today. "I'm not confident. In fact I'm terrified." I got told a piece of advice and it makes sense. "If your not confident enough to pull a move then don't tell anybody." That's not exactly what Micheal said but close enough. Telling Rachel might not cause the biggest splash ever. But then again I'm still terrified. So nope.
I have listening to a song called Erecting a river. It's a remix of something with Team Fortress 2. The only problem with this is that I will now not recognize the actual song. It will always be this song. Okay apparently its Riverside by Sidney Sampson. But I have no Idea.
I am easily procrasstinateable if that's a word. I am made to procrastinate easily. Or I'm just Lazy. I'm inclined to think I'm lazy. And my mouth runs away from me. So when I don't achieve as well as I could have then I've dug a hole and then I have to sit in it. Mixing metaphors there.
Is all cats do eat and sleep. Because that's all I ever see my cats do. And I'm jealous of it. Being human just has to many drama's some times. And today is no exception. Dad ruined my day. It was going well. I'm enjoying days more. And I'm getting more out of them.
I would drop more hints about my crush. But I can't be bothered to create anything cryptic. So "nope".
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
Now that I've bitched about my father. I'm meant to be doing homework but I'm still pissed off with dad. But enough of that.
Rachel asked who the mystery girl was today. "I'm not confident. In fact I'm terrified." I got told a piece of advice and it makes sense. "If your not confident enough to pull a move then don't tell anybody." That's not exactly what Micheal said but close enough. Telling Rachel might not cause the biggest splash ever. But then again I'm still terrified. So nope.
I have listening to a song called Erecting a river. It's a remix of something with Team Fortress 2. The only problem with this is that I will now not recognize the actual song. It will always be this song. Okay apparently its Riverside by Sidney Sampson. But I have no Idea.
I am easily procrasstinateable if that's a word. I am made to procrastinate easily. Or I'm just Lazy. I'm inclined to think I'm lazy. And my mouth runs away from me. So when I don't achieve as well as I could have then I've dug a hole and then I have to sit in it. Mixing metaphors there.
Is all cats do eat and sleep. Because that's all I ever see my cats do. And I'm jealous of it. Being human just has to many drama's some times. And today is no exception. Dad ruined my day. It was going well. I'm enjoying days more. And I'm getting more out of them.
I would drop more hints about my crush. But I can't be bothered to create anything cryptic. So "nope".
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
There's someone you should meet.
Meet my big ass mouth. It's got me into trouble countless times and out of it sometimes as well. Today I was cleaning out my old closet and I found some of my old toys. Major nostalgia moment. Like the teddy bear with no ear from where my brother cut it off with a pair of scissors. I never cried more from what I can remember. I'm not claiming I didn't cry as a kid, but that's the most I remember crying. And a Beyblade. I used to love that show as a kid. Along with digimon. So much so that I started to watch Beyblade on the internet.
Oh look at that. Toc's on skype. Just a guy from Chipper. I can actually say that because he really is from Chipper. At least that's where I met him. I've finished downloading Digimon. So that's cool. But instead of watching it I get to learn drama lines, blog and do art homework. And drink Illicit venom. Which is nice.
Three facebook tabs open for some reason. It's weird to see the progression of status'.
I just slowly get more and more distracted as the time goes on. That's why this blog is so disjointed. No more illicit. Probably a good thing.
I'm really tempted to put the name of my crush on here and see what happens. Mind you I'm not exactly feeling sound of mind. So this is probably a bad idea. Yeah logic. The information of that could cause destruction on a worldwide scale. :P
Found my watch. Spent some time looking at something Rachel gave me. More nostalgia. I seem to nostalgia everywhere these days.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
It's just me.
Nobody special. But fuck that. I refuse to be nobody special. I want to be remembered as somebody who was reliable, dependable, easy going, and a person who your glad to call your friend. I need other people but the lack of somebody who I'm in a relationship shouldn't be the thing that defines me. It's time to nut up or shut up. And I refuse to go quietly.
Right with that over. Why do I feel so comfortable in this dam shirt. For your information it's one of my old collared shirts which appears to have lost most, no wait let me count, all it turns out of the buttons. I have a collared shirt with no buttons.
I'm not that serious. I tend to get annoyed to easily. I'm not serious except when the situation calls for it. Which is actually a reasonable amount. But apart from that I'm actually kind of immature. And in previous situations I acted immature around people I liked. But recently, I've turned into that quiet guy and actually kind of ignored her. It's not out of choice. It's just me and her don't... how to put it. Run in the same circles. And there's not much to talk about. Note to self: Must work on small talk.
Turns out somebody else found my blog. But then I have no idea if they are actually going to keep reading it. I hope so. I didn't expect anybody to read it but it's gratifying that people do.
I have new bands. :) I seem to get them every two weeks. But then in my head I'm still competing with Rachel. It's pointless but my mind eggs me on. Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy. Anyway with the release of his album Soul Punk Patrick Stump is one and the other is a band called Hot Chelle Rae. I would post some lyrics but I don't think any describe me at the moment.
And I forgot how good I think Scouting for Girls was. In my opinion the best song is called Silly Song. But the title might have changed somehow. Yeah it's changed. No clue what it is and too lazy to look it up.
Dam. While I have been mucking around Micheals gone offline. Oh look at that he's back again.
I hate being ignored. I suppose that's why I am so loud. I can't stand the fact that I'm not involved somehow. That is all for tonight.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
(And this might post twice)
Monday, 24 October 2011
I've figured more out.
Epiphany is a cliche.
But still. Anyway. I'm not naturally a happy person. I'm fairly laid back and easy going, I get by. But I'm not necessarily happy. I rely on friends and events and relationships to be happy. Now that I think about it, I don't know what to think about it. It means that I'll always want friends. It means I'll want to be around them which aren't necessarily bad things.
But today I have self diagnosed myself with Monophobia. Which is the fear of being alone or without a particular person. Obviously the second part doesn't apply to me right now. But after a day of being alone I will start to get hysterical. I won't be able to sleep and such. I don't know how that actually came to be but still it happened.
I've made friends with a person from Ontario Canada. And somebody from Virginia. Although we aren't actually friends. It's people that we play League with. We being Micheal and me. And maybe another guy eventually.
That's actually a good synonym for my life this song.
Step One, Drink.
Step Two, Drink
Step Three, Pretend you don't remember.
Step Four, Drink a little more.
Step Five, I need to run dry.
Aside from the drinking it's me. I want to be happy but I don't see how I'm supposed to change that part of me. And I have no desire to see a shrink or a counselor. So that part stays. I'll try. Like I do every time. But I'm not holding much hope for this. Maybe that's why it will fail. Because I don't believe it will.
I had fun tonight. I played League all after tea. I won every one of the three games I played and two of them were from the internet. I can't call it the guys from Chippermonkey because we were using a different server for one game and then Skype for the last. So the guys. That will do fine. Unless nnemoe finds this. Which i doubt. I made and effort to spell her name right and I have no idea if I did. To lazy to log back on and check.
This was meant to be on of my smaller posts.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
Saturday, 22 October 2011
We come again, not in peace and not in war.
Just solid indifference. I'm not on some epic quest. I don't know what I'm doing next week let alone further ahead. I have ideas but sometimes they never get further than that. I regard my own life with indifference. If it works it works and if it doesn't then I'm probably going to be past caring by then. I do find satisfaction in helping others. The smiles are genuinely warm and for a moment you are decidedly important.
I'm writing this inside a bible talk. Now I'm trying not to be disrespectful. But to me the man is only half right. And every time he says something that's not quite right I cringe a little. So I've stopped listening. It's rude, but not as rude as yelling out my objections. Better I be thought slightly rude. This man has been brought to educate me on the apostle John but I can't agree with him.
I like someone else. I've moved on. But it's who I've moved on to that's the trouble currently. Astute people can figure it out. I can see the connection but that's because I hold all the information. So maybe even astute people couldn't figure it out. Maybe they just need that little tiny piece of the puzzle to figure it out. Maybe that changes their view on things. Maybe that makes their opinion of me worse, maybe it makes the opinion better. Maybe it doesn't change anything. Maybe the change was what I needed. Maybe I was better off when it had never changed. There are many ways to think about this and no real way to make a measured guess as to the out come.
I think I'm reasonably handsome. Nothing special. But there's something about me that really makes people like me as a friend. Nothing more, and sometimes less. And sometimes I'm afraid that it will stay that way. I'm afraid that I'm going to stay everybody's friend with nothing more.
I want to see both of the Aurora's before I die. Aurora Borealis and Aurora Australis. I've never seen either. And it just seems so beautiful and incredible and impossible. To tell you the truth I've completely forgotten the list I made about what I wanted to do until I suddenly wanted to see the Auroras. So far I'm fairly sure that nothing has changed. Except for one thing.
11. I want someone special to take with me every time I do one of these things.
It doesn't have to be the same person every time. It just has to be somebody I care about.
I want to keep a visual diary. Or rather a visual written diary. Pictures and words working together to create a better view of emotions and anything else that could be portrayed. I don't know why, well that's a lie. I saw an example of it. My Ginger friend has one. I have more than one Ginger friend but Henry will always be the Ginger friend. The others are great but Henry was the first.
Oh theological debates. If space is expanding what's it's expanding into? Are we just born to die? The bible talk guy is talking about stars and it's interesting. Furthermore I can't disagree with it because I have no idea about astrology or is it astronomy? Well I have no idea about either. So if he was talking about the Zodiac one I couldn't disagree with him either. Accept for the fact it's bollocks It's Shakespeare's Monkeys. Over time your bound to get some things that are real.
Ah well that's it for today.
Actually no. I've realized that I only ever talk about what's wrong with my life. Because what's good isn't obvious until it's become bad. So what I'm really saying is "You don't know what you've got til it's gone."
Something I heard once. "Wars are necessary, while they take much of our resources they remove the people who use them and remove an excess of people that will invariably build up. Admittedly it results in an excess of females but nature seems to take care of that." And it makes sense. Wars may not be desirable, but they are regrettably necessary. Otherwise we will overwhelm the earths stockpile of resources. I'm looking at this objectively. I'm a pacifist normally but, It's the Reddecker plan from "World War Z" We don't have the resources to support everyone. We have to sacrifice some to save the rest.
Writing that made me sad. But it us the truth unless the humans change. And if we haven't changed so far so what hope for us is there.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish This.
Thursday, 20 October 2011
Just sometimes I wish I didn't know it
It looks bad. That's why it will probably never happen. People really don't care about the story around it. They just care about the look of it. Humans are a sight based race. That's why people care about pictures and reading. So sometimes I like to close my eyes and just listen to the world. Sometimes you have to just forget about what you see and try to understand what lies beneath.
Today I'm at Massey University with my brother. We're going to Wanganui after this to spend the weekend with some friends. I spent the night at Micheal's the night before last. I didn't sleep at all. My Parents think that I got a few hours but I didn't get any. We didn't talk much. We didn't have a lot to talk about. And he was rendered mute by Portal 2. I downloaded some anime, I've gotten addicted to anime's really easily.
This post has taken me close to two hours so far. Yay for Massey internet and distracting myself with Elephant quest. It's a flash game and It's not that hard to figure it out. Your an elephant on a quest.
Urgh this is so weird. I don't know how I feel at the moment. It's annoying. I try to write how I feel and a lot of conflicting emotions show up. Sometimes It's regret, sometimes it's sorrow, sometimes it's contentment, sometimes its yearning, sometimes its discontent, sometimes it's happiness. I don't know what to make of it. I've never felt like this before.
Devil May Cry. It looks like a great game and I need to fall into something again. It take me away and I don't need to think beyond slaying devils.
But then maybe this is a wake up call. I need to think of something to do. How to fix this conflicting emotions thing. Besides it's exams soon.
Today I'm at Massey University with my brother. We're going to Wanganui after this to spend the weekend with some friends. I spent the night at Micheal's the night before last. I didn't sleep at all. My Parents think that I got a few hours but I didn't get any. We didn't talk much. We didn't have a lot to talk about. And he was rendered mute by Portal 2. I downloaded some anime, I've gotten addicted to anime's really easily.
This post has taken me close to two hours so far. Yay for Massey internet and distracting myself with Elephant quest. It's a flash game and It's not that hard to figure it out. Your an elephant on a quest.
Urgh this is so weird. I don't know how I feel at the moment. It's annoying. I try to write how I feel and a lot of conflicting emotions show up. Sometimes It's regret, sometimes it's sorrow, sometimes it's contentment, sometimes its yearning, sometimes its discontent, sometimes it's happiness. I don't know what to make of it. I've never felt like this before.
Devil May Cry. It looks like a great game and I need to fall into something again. It take me away and I don't need to think beyond slaying devils.
But then maybe this is a wake up call. I need to think of something to do. How to fix this conflicting emotions thing. Besides it's exams soon.
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
Oh Nostalgia. You've found me again.
I was reading through my old blog posts and I found this.
Well after spending not long thinking I've come to a conclusion. While I love my girlfriend I can't control what will happen later on in life. All I can do is be the best boyfriend I can and come hell or high water at least I tried. If we fall apart so beit. But I don't want that to happen. For the first time in a while I feel a connection. I've had girlfriends before where I just had them because I thought they looked pretty. It's very shallow but there you have it. Theres always something about the girls I dated that I liked. And I still do. I don't just suddenly not like a persons trait that I loved before. I keep loving it, and in a small way them. I don't want to break up with her. But I do realise that eventually I'm going to have to step up or step out. I have made some sacrifices but that numbers gonna increase.
I have one thing to say. I love my girlfriend. And I always will. In one way or another. I will always love her spontaneity. Even if shes no longer mine.
I'm Out. Seya.
And I tried to be the best boyfriend I could. I can give myself points for that. Whether I was or not? Well I don't know. And sometimes It's better left unknown.
I don't know why I did this. Maybe it's a message to myself more than anything else.
In the name of the emperor, Finish this!
Well after spending not long thinking I've come to a conclusion. While I love my girlfriend I can't control what will happen later on in life. All I can do is be the best boyfriend I can and come hell or high water at least I tried. If we fall apart so beit. But I don't want that to happen. For the first time in a while I feel a connection. I've had girlfriends before where I just had them because I thought they looked pretty. It's very shallow but there you have it. Theres always something about the girls I dated that I liked. And I still do. I don't just suddenly not like a persons trait that I loved before. I keep loving it, and in a small way them. I don't want to break up with her. But I do realise that eventually I'm going to have to step up or step out. I have made some sacrifices but that numbers gonna increase.
I have one thing to say. I love my girlfriend. And I always will. In one way or another. I will always love her spontaneity. Even if shes no longer mine.
I'm Out. Seya.
And I tried to be the best boyfriend I could. I can give myself points for that. Whether I was or not? Well I don't know. And sometimes It's better left unknown.
I don't know why I did this. Maybe it's a message to myself more than anything else.
In the name of the emperor, Finish this!
This promises to be a long one.
But then I'm no stranger to broken promises. I've seen many and broken few. My word gives me a certain satisfaction. That I never break it without a solid and tangible reason.
The reason that this is going to be a long one is that it's actually two posts. One I wrote a while back and never published and one I'm writing now. Partly is response to the old blog and partly because I want to write.
Anyway this is the post. Title's in bold.
Morning world, allow me to throw up on you.
Good morning. Today's post once again comes from the comfort of my bed. A few of the ones that I've written when I had no internet connection where written there. Part of the reason is that I'm comfortable. And that it was nice when I did it last time.
Threw up a few minutes ago. Three times. Once, managed to walk away from the puke, threw up again, then got out the door and puked again. It was as fun as I remembered throwing up was. Which is to say it wasn't. But no more of those stories. I did get told I looked drunk today. But that was just a combination of several late nights, the fact that I've been sick for a while and a very strenuous day. I wasn't actually drunk. I don't drink. People keep suggesting coke and something alcohol. But that just seems like you're ruining good coke. I like coke why can't I just drink that?
I want to bitch about a teacher telling me off for nagging today. But I found something in the bible. It's from 1st peter.
For what glory is it if when ye sin ye are troubled for it. But if ye do well and are troubled take it patiently. For this is acceptable to God.
Obviously the circumstances aren't quite the same but I'm taking a small liberty here. So instead of telling the world. I'll tell this blog and then bullshit you about how I'm just going to take it like a man. It's getting later and later and I still can't sleep. So I've picked up the Ipod again. It's a clear cold night and it seemed to be starless but it wasn't so. The tiny pinprick's of light were as present as ever. Continuing their silent vigil in the sky.
I'm going to learn the guitar before the next talent quest so that if I want to I can enter and play some proper music. Something like acoustic "Time to dance" or acoustic "Ballad of Mona Lisa"
I find myself thinking about how this isn't anything close to a diary. Again. Some thoughts don't get written down. Only said to a single friend. Maybe more. I want to talk to Micheal now, more than ever but Paranoia is becoming me and I don't trust VOIP (Voice over IP) or text based communication. I might go see him on Monday. I have some things to do on Monday.
I want to play league now for some reason. But it's 1 in the morning and mum might not be happy with me. Or it was 1 last time I checked.
I also wanted to talk about my childhood. My memory of it is definitely punctuated. I remember some things really well and others not at all. But there was a TV show named Zoids. And I'm downloading it and watching it. I want to be a kid again. I want to be the adult that never really grew up.
-----
And that's the end of that post. Time for todays. That post was really just dreams and feelings. No real facts. The story that me and Micheal are writing has slowed down. The holidays actually haven't helped.
I like Dante from Devil May Cry. He sometimes reminds me of me. Reasonably rarely. Between all the demon killing and stylish dressing there's a few times that something that I'd say. Or something small like that. I'm not as cynical or world weary. But sometimes.
I still want to play league. It feels nice. To pit your skill against people from around the world. Having to work with people who you don't know for a common goal. But by the same token when people I don't know or respect start bitching about an honest mistake or I'm not doing as well as I can. Then I just think fuck it. I'm a casual gamer. I play for fun. I don't spoil other peoples games. I mean I'm okay but I'm by no means hotshotGG(Awesome League player).
That's just me I suppose. I defend League because I like it. Don't tell me it sucks. HoN's player base it worse than leagues apparently. And original DoTA was just for elitists. I'm after casual game. Not super pro awesome every game.
My game preferences are completely different to my relationship preferences. I want serious every time in a relationship. *Sigh* I think I saw Rachel today. I can't be sure and I don't know. I still don't really know where I stand with her. In the relationship I didn't see her much and out of it I'm liable to not see her at all. I want to stay friends but it's just a little hard. I've never been in this situation. I'm still new to the Nuances of want to be friends with the out of town ex-girlfriend.
Mild heart attack as I lose my phone. All better now.
My memory is weird. I can remember some things close to crystal clear. Like the person I thought was Rachel. I only saw the back of them. So Rachel, I think Tania (A friend) and someone else. The person I thought was Rachel was wearing a town production shirt from Les Miserables. One of the three was giving something to somebody else. The person I don't know but have an idea who it is was wearing some kind of sweatshirt and trackpants. There are other details but I'm a little creeped out at my memory of somebody that I may not even know. My mind seems to have deemed this important. And I can't remember something tangible and important like a deadline.
Well I always was a little odd. I've also deemed writing this more important than a visit to the bathroom. And yes you needed to know. I'm dedicated to my two readers.
Well more than half of this is my current writing. So it seems my work is done. But I want to keep writing. It's been constant. It's something solid. Writing blog posts, publishing them, knowing that two people read them with any regularity. I want a girl friend. Not a girlfriend but a girl friend. A girl who is a friend. Well I have many but I don't have any really good ones. Not really, not anymore.
Well that's me. I can't think of much else to say. That's a lie. I can think of something I just don't want to say it. Still afraid of image and consequence.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!
The reason that this is going to be a long one is that it's actually two posts. One I wrote a while back and never published and one I'm writing now. Partly is response to the old blog and partly because I want to write.
Anyway this is the post. Title's in bold.
Morning world, allow me to throw up on you.
Good morning. Today's post once again comes from the comfort of my bed. A few of the ones that I've written when I had no internet connection where written there. Part of the reason is that I'm comfortable. And that it was nice when I did it last time.
Threw up a few minutes ago. Three times. Once, managed to walk away from the puke, threw up again, then got out the door and puked again. It was as fun as I remembered throwing up was. Which is to say it wasn't. But no more of those stories. I did get told I looked drunk today. But that was just a combination of several late nights, the fact that I've been sick for a while and a very strenuous day. I wasn't actually drunk. I don't drink. People keep suggesting coke and something alcohol. But that just seems like you're ruining good coke. I like coke why can't I just drink that?
I want to bitch about a teacher telling me off for nagging today. But I found something in the bible. It's from 1st peter.
For what glory is it if when ye sin ye are troubled for it. But if ye do well and are troubled take it patiently. For this is acceptable to God.
Obviously the circumstances aren't quite the same but I'm taking a small liberty here. So instead of telling the world. I'll tell this blog and then bullshit you about how I'm just going to take it like a man. It's getting later and later and I still can't sleep. So I've picked up the Ipod again. It's a clear cold night and it seemed to be starless but it wasn't so. The tiny pinprick's of light were as present as ever. Continuing their silent vigil in the sky.
I'm going to learn the guitar before the next talent quest so that if I want to I can enter and play some proper music. Something like acoustic "Time to dance" or acoustic "Ballad of Mona Lisa"
I find myself thinking about how this isn't anything close to a diary. Again. Some thoughts don't get written down. Only said to a single friend. Maybe more. I want to talk to Micheal now, more than ever but Paranoia is becoming me and I don't trust VOIP (Voice over IP) or text based communication. I might go see him on Monday. I have some things to do on Monday.
I want to play league now for some reason. But it's 1 in the morning and mum might not be happy with me. Or it was 1 last time I checked.
I also wanted to talk about my childhood. My memory of it is definitely punctuated. I remember some things really well and others not at all. But there was a TV show named Zoids. And I'm downloading it and watching it. I want to be a kid again. I want to be the adult that never really grew up.
-----
And that's the end of that post. Time for todays. That post was really just dreams and feelings. No real facts. The story that me and Micheal are writing has slowed down. The holidays actually haven't helped.
I like Dante from Devil May Cry. He sometimes reminds me of me. Reasonably rarely. Between all the demon killing and stylish dressing there's a few times that something that I'd say. Or something small like that. I'm not as cynical or world weary. But sometimes.
I still want to play league. It feels nice. To pit your skill against people from around the world. Having to work with people who you don't know for a common goal. But by the same token when people I don't know or respect start bitching about an honest mistake or I'm not doing as well as I can. Then I just think fuck it. I'm a casual gamer. I play for fun. I don't spoil other peoples games. I mean I'm okay but I'm by no means hotshotGG(Awesome League player).
That's just me I suppose. I defend League because I like it. Don't tell me it sucks. HoN's player base it worse than leagues apparently. And original DoTA was just for elitists. I'm after casual game. Not super pro awesome every game.
My game preferences are completely different to my relationship preferences. I want serious every time in a relationship. *Sigh* I think I saw Rachel today. I can't be sure and I don't know. I still don't really know where I stand with her. In the relationship I didn't see her much and out of it I'm liable to not see her at all. I want to stay friends but it's just a little hard. I've never been in this situation. I'm still new to the Nuances of want to be friends with the out of town ex-girlfriend.
Mild heart attack as I lose my phone. All better now.
My memory is weird. I can remember some things close to crystal clear. Like the person I thought was Rachel. I only saw the back of them. So Rachel, I think Tania (A friend) and someone else. The person I thought was Rachel was wearing a town production shirt from Les Miserables. One of the three was giving something to somebody else. The person I don't know but have an idea who it is was wearing some kind of sweatshirt and trackpants. There are other details but I'm a little creeped out at my memory of somebody that I may not even know. My mind seems to have deemed this important. And I can't remember something tangible and important like a deadline.
Well I always was a little odd. I've also deemed writing this more important than a visit to the bathroom. And yes you needed to know. I'm dedicated to my two readers.
Well more than half of this is my current writing. So it seems my work is done. But I want to keep writing. It's been constant. It's something solid. Writing blog posts, publishing them, knowing that two people read them with any regularity. I want a girl friend. Not a girlfriend but a girl friend. A girl who is a friend. Well I have many but I don't have any really good ones. Not really, not anymore.
Well that's me. I can't think of much else to say. That's a lie. I can think of something I just don't want to say it. Still afraid of image and consequence.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Devil's don't cry.
There's nothing to the title again. Just a concept in a video game that I thought was really cool. Again another blog written elsewhere. It's getting to be a habit of mine. When I have nothing to do I will write a blog post. Even if it is about nothing.
Thinking more about what Rachel said, "You can be mad for the next bit, I would be mad." Sometimes I think that people expect me to be mad at them when they think they've done something wrong. Even when I say that nothings wrong. Like it's incredibly wrong for me not to be mad. But I'm rarely mad at people and then never for long. I may seem angry but it's gone like a faint breeze on an otherwise windless day. Gone and forgotten in an instant.
And I think I've changed. In a post a while back I talked about my concept of a soul. The will to live and such. And I said that I would never forgive people that took that away. But people can be like that sometimes. That's just our nature. We will be sad, we will lose the will to do some things once in a while. And everyone will do it at some point. Everyone makes you sad in some way. It's the willingness to help afterwards that separates the good from the average. But some people do and some people don't.
I would like to say I'm under no illusions about people. But I am. I think that everyone is good at hear. But my religion disagrees with me. Most do. Christian, Catholic, Lutheran. We are sin but are saved by the grace of Jesus Christ. I want to believe that we are all good at heart. But the world seems intent on proving me wrong. I've met a few nice people and even less good people. But there are a lot of people I haven't met. Who knows? Maybe I'm right, Maybe I'm wrong. I'm in no hurry to answer that question.
I like being in love but love being returned is what I like better.I'm in no hurry (Again.) to to say anything is true love but I'm jealous of people who just have a relationship that seems to be a constant. A friend and an acquaintance recently had a 2 year anniversary. Which in teenage terms is forever. I'm jealous that they've had each other for so long.
Digimon is better than Pokemon.
In my opinion mind you. And yes I sincerely believe that. I thought so as a kid and watching some of the shows again I still think so. But like all opinions. It doesn't really matter unless you share the opinion in which case it is affirmed. Or you oppose it. In which case you disagree and I don't really care. People take opinions far to seriously.
Right, revised Thousand Sword idea. Every time the sword is activated in battle then the sword is more powerful in that persons hands. Still no idea what the active is.
I want to play Devil May Cry now. I looked at some trailers and they look really cool. But only 3 and 4 are on PC and they're kind of old now. I like Dante. He's an anti hero. Cynical, down on his luck, and resigned.
That's the problem with supply and demand. If i'm the only one who wants it. It isn't supplied.
I probably need to sleep but I don't want to.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!
Thinking more about what Rachel said, "You can be mad for the next bit, I would be mad." Sometimes I think that people expect me to be mad at them when they think they've done something wrong. Even when I say that nothings wrong. Like it's incredibly wrong for me not to be mad. But I'm rarely mad at people and then never for long. I may seem angry but it's gone like a faint breeze on an otherwise windless day. Gone and forgotten in an instant.
And I think I've changed. In a post a while back I talked about my concept of a soul. The will to live and such. And I said that I would never forgive people that took that away. But people can be like that sometimes. That's just our nature. We will be sad, we will lose the will to do some things once in a while. And everyone will do it at some point. Everyone makes you sad in some way. It's the willingness to help afterwards that separates the good from the average. But some people do and some people don't.
I would like to say I'm under no illusions about people. But I am. I think that everyone is good at hear. But my religion disagrees with me. Most do. Christian, Catholic, Lutheran. We are sin but are saved by the grace of Jesus Christ. I want to believe that we are all good at heart. But the world seems intent on proving me wrong. I've met a few nice people and even less good people. But there are a lot of people I haven't met. Who knows? Maybe I'm right, Maybe I'm wrong. I'm in no hurry to answer that question.
I like being in love but love being returned is what I like better.I'm in no hurry (Again.) to to say anything is true love but I'm jealous of people who just have a relationship that seems to be a constant. A friend and an acquaintance recently had a 2 year anniversary. Which in teenage terms is forever. I'm jealous that they've had each other for so long.
Digimon is better than Pokemon.
In my opinion mind you. And yes I sincerely believe that. I thought so as a kid and watching some of the shows again I still think so. But like all opinions. It doesn't really matter unless you share the opinion in which case it is affirmed. Or you oppose it. In which case you disagree and I don't really care. People take opinions far to seriously.
Right, revised Thousand Sword idea. Every time the sword is activated in battle then the sword is more powerful in that persons hands. Still no idea what the active is.
I want to play Devil May Cry now. I looked at some trailers and they look really cool. But only 3 and 4 are on PC and they're kind of old now. I like Dante. He's an anti hero. Cynical, down on his luck, and resigned.
That's the problem with supply and demand. If i'm the only one who wants it. It isn't supplied.
I probably need to sleep but I don't want to.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!
Friday, 14 October 2011
I'll be here If I'm needed, Gone If I'm not. (Mk II)
This is the post I wrote this morning.
Well that's that then. My thoughts are crowding for attention. Telling me what to write.Guiding my mind. But when you have thirty ways to say it and every one wants to be how it's said. This is the start of a killer headache.
Logical story time. Start at the beginning so through the middle, finish at the end. Rachel (Chrome does not recognise Rachel as a word, at least my version anyway. Time to update.) Rachel messaged me saying that yes she wanted to move on. It's times like these that I hate how easy it is for people to communicate these days. I prefer to do things face to face. The whole facial expressions and such. But anywayshe said that "you can be mad at me for the next bit. I would be mad" and when I read that I thought that I can be mad. It's completely justified. But I'm not. I'm not mad. Like Micheal said once, "Don't be sad it's gone, be happy it happened. And I am happy it happened. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I could never be mad at you Rachel. I'm sorry it happened this way and maybe if it had happened later then maybe things would have been different.
But like I said in that song. "I'm done obsessing over it all". It happened. But I still love you Rachel. Not like "I LUV YOU LETS HAV BABIES" But like an incredible admiration... You know what forget it. It's not something I can describe right now. I still love your spontaneity and the courage you've shown. I still think your beautiful. And I hope like hell you find what your looking for. Because everyone's looking for something. Not everyone knows what they're looking for though.
The headache is a bitch. But I'm still writing because that's the best time to write. When the ideas are still fresh.
Nope it's gone. There was more I wanted to say. Maybe later after a revisit of the stupid things I said.
I hope we stay friends.
That's all folks. But I still have things to say. The computer has returned from the digital doctors. And the new power supply didn't set me back as much as I thought.
I have "Symphony Soldier" by The Cab. It's good music. But I don't want to listen to hard. I don't want to understand the lyrics just yet.
I hate change. Moving is a change. Now I just remembered that I moved my bed to the new house. So I get to sleep on the couch. Whooo.
I was randomly thinking and thought up a item for a magical item concept Micheal had. It's called a thousand sword. And every strike with the sword by the same person increases it's power. Not exactly sure what the power is. Maybe it's a magical strike that makes a wave in the air and cuts through things. It's pretty OP (Over Powered). Maybe it's the speed of the user.
I want to tell somebody. But Micheal already knows and there's no one else I trust with this. It's kind of awkward.
In the name of the emperor, Finish this!
Well that's that then. My thoughts are crowding for attention. Telling me what to write.Guiding my mind. But when you have thirty ways to say it and every one wants to be how it's said. This is the start of a killer headache.
Logical story time. Start at the beginning so through the middle, finish at the end. Rachel (Chrome does not recognise Rachel as a word, at least my version anyway. Time to update.) Rachel messaged me saying that yes she wanted to move on. It's times like these that I hate how easy it is for people to communicate these days. I prefer to do things face to face. The whole facial expressions and such. But anywayshe said that "you can be mad at me for the next bit. I would be mad" and when I read that I thought that I can be mad. It's completely justified. But I'm not. I'm not mad. Like Micheal said once, "Don't be sad it's gone, be happy it happened. And I am happy it happened. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I could never be mad at you Rachel. I'm sorry it happened this way and maybe if it had happened later then maybe things would have been different.
But like I said in that song. "I'm done obsessing over it all". It happened. But I still love you Rachel. Not like "I LUV YOU LETS HAV BABIES" But like an incredible admiration... You know what forget it. It's not something I can describe right now. I still love your spontaneity and the courage you've shown. I still think your beautiful. And I hope like hell you find what your looking for. Because everyone's looking for something. Not everyone knows what they're looking for though.
The headache is a bitch. But I'm still writing because that's the best time to write. When the ideas are still fresh.
Nope it's gone. There was more I wanted to say. Maybe later after a revisit of the stupid things I said.
I hope we stay friends.
That's all folks. But I still have things to say. The computer has returned from the digital doctors. And the new power supply didn't set me back as much as I thought.
I have "Symphony Soldier" by The Cab. It's good music. But I don't want to listen to hard. I don't want to understand the lyrics just yet.
I hate change. Moving is a change. Now I just remembered that I moved my bed to the new house. So I get to sleep on the couch. Whooo.
I was randomly thinking and thought up a item for a magical item concept Micheal had. It's called a thousand sword. And every strike with the sword by the same person increases it's power. Not exactly sure what the power is. Maybe it's a magical strike that makes a wave in the air and cuts through things. It's pretty OP (Over Powered). Maybe it's the speed of the user.
I want to tell somebody. But Micheal already knows and there's no one else I trust with this. It's kind of awkward.
In the name of the emperor, Finish this!
Thursday, 13 October 2011
I'll be here if I'm needed and gone If I'm not.
This post was written at my new house. But then I left my iPod there. So I'm going to write as much of the old one as I can remember because I'd written it while I had a headache and it was quite an effort and I don't want to see it go to waste.
Nope. Got nothing.
Well that was pointless. All that work done with that fucken headache and now when I want to post it.
Oh fuck it. The Cab is a great band.
Digimon is a great series. I have elephants on my wrist.
My God am I high or something. This is one weirdass post.
Just like SuckerPunch. That was a good movie. Enough to merit the renting price. But it was hard to follow and weird as hell.
Oh Rachel. I told you to watch the next post. But this isn't what I meant. I meant the post that I wrote this morning but will post tomorrow looks like.
I'm an angel with a shotgun. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQKMLmXc0xo
Yeah!
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
Nope. Got nothing.
Well that was pointless. All that work done with that fucken headache and now when I want to post it.
Oh fuck it. The Cab is a great band.
Digimon is a great series. I have elephants on my wrist.
My God am I high or something. This is one weirdass post.
Just like SuckerPunch. That was a good movie. Enough to merit the renting price. But it was hard to follow and weird as hell.
Oh Rachel. I told you to watch the next post. But this isn't what I meant. I meant the post that I wrote this morning but will post tomorrow looks like.
I'm an angel with a shotgun. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQKMLmXc0xo
Yeah!
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
I wrote a song.
I'm very proud of myself at the moment. It's not a great song and I should probably stick to writing narratives but it's still a song. There's a reason behind this. Well Rachel is a songwriter. And from what I've seen she's a very good one. And I suppose I'm a little jealous of that. I mean I'm an accomplished enough writer but my poetry isn't that great. And song writing to an extent is poetry.
I'm a very jealous person at times. But I don't just sit and lust. I attempt to make a copy, or do what the persons doing. That's the reason I started playing League. Because I saw Micheal having fun on it and I wanted that fun as well. It's the motivation behind a lot of what I do. But jealousy sounds a bit morbid. So we shall call it impression and inspiration. That sounded better in my head.
Anyway here's the song lyrics. No tune because I am musically illiterate.
What happened?
Where'd you go?
Why can't I follow?
I just don't know.
It's like you've disappeared.
Gone without a trace.
Full run to dead stop,
such a tragic change of pace.
I'm finished breaking up and now I'm breaking down.
I'm still crying over what I can't control.
I'm still obsessing over it all.
But now you're gone I still haven't learnt.
Time to stop feeling small.
I'm still watching smoke and mirrors.
And I'll never stand tall.
I thought you were all
But it was only some
And it's something
I can't get from another one.
But I loved you once
And I still care
I can't let you go.
So please stay near.
I don't want to lose you but you never win if you don't play.
I'm still crying over what I can't control.
I'm still obsessing over it all.
But now your gone I still haven't learnt.
Time to stop feeling small.
I'm still watching smoke and mirrors.
And I'll never stand tall.
But waiting for something
That never seems to come.
It's a waste of all this time.
And leaves you feeling glum.
I'll be here if I'm needed
And gone if I'm not.
I thought I'd gained nothing
Turns out I got a lot.
I'm done crying over what I can't control.
I'm done obsessing over it all.
And now that your gone I've started to learn.
Time to stop feeling small.
I'm sick of watching smoke and mirrors.
It's time that I stood tall.
The computers at the digital doctors. Hopefully it's done soon. But I have the ancient dinosaur that pretends it's a computer. And I really should be like Whoo I have a dinosaur. Anyway the computer has been resurrected and protected. That will do for now. Grr English techniques.
Peace off.
Nah i'm not stealing that off tobuscus.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!
I'm a very jealous person at times. But I don't just sit and lust. I attempt to make a copy, or do what the persons doing. That's the reason I started playing League. Because I saw Micheal having fun on it and I wanted that fun as well. It's the motivation behind a lot of what I do. But jealousy sounds a bit morbid. So we shall call it impression and inspiration. That sounded better in my head.
Anyway here's the song lyrics. No tune because I am musically illiterate.
What happened?
Where'd you go?
Why can't I follow?
I just don't know.
It's like you've disappeared.
Gone without a trace.
Full run to dead stop,
such a tragic change of pace.
I'm finished breaking up and now I'm breaking down.
I'm still crying over what I can't control.
I'm still obsessing over it all.
But now you're gone I still haven't learnt.
Time to stop feeling small.
I'm still watching smoke and mirrors.
And I'll never stand tall.
I thought you were all
But it was only some
And it's something
I can't get from another one.
But I loved you once
And I still care
I can't let you go.
So please stay near.
I don't want to lose you but you never win if you don't play.
I'm still crying over what I can't control.
I'm still obsessing over it all.
But now your gone I still haven't learnt.
Time to stop feeling small.
I'm still watching smoke and mirrors.
And I'll never stand tall.
But waiting for something
That never seems to come.
It's a waste of all this time.
And leaves you feeling glum.
I'll be here if I'm needed
And gone if I'm not.
I thought I'd gained nothing
Turns out I got a lot.
I'm done crying over what I can't control.
I'm done obsessing over it all.
And now that your gone I've started to learn.
Time to stop feeling small.
I'm sick of watching smoke and mirrors.
It's time that I stood tall.
The computers at the digital doctors. Hopefully it's done soon. But I have the ancient dinosaur that pretends it's a computer. And I really should be like Whoo I have a dinosaur. Anyway the computer has been resurrected and protected. That will do for now. Grr English techniques.
Peace off.
Nah i'm not stealing that off tobuscus.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Bloggy
I think I burnt out the power supply in the computer. Either way somethings wrong. So the blog was written on the 11th of october at ten.
Anyway I feel like a cuddle. Which is like a hug but a bit longer and as a general rule not standing up. Although it can happen, but mostly it becomes slow dancing. Unfortunately I have no one to cuddle. And that's the imediate thing I think of when I look at my lack of a relationship. Yeah i'm a physical person. Bu not as much as I thought. It's the intemit moment inherent in the cuddle. The feelin of protection, the ability to say what you want to say. Also because it's safe and warm and you feel in that instant you are definitively loved and cared for. The feeling that somebody understands you and if they dont that they will do there best to try to.
Anyway I've made up my mind. I just need one conversation. I don't think I ever got over my ex. She said she didn't want or wasn't ready for a relationship and I said I'd wait. But what if she doesn't want me to. I just need to ask her that question. I'm happy waiting for her. I'm a man of my word. But if she doesn't want me to wait then I shouldn't. Because it's not going to make anybody happy least of all her. Knowing she has the annoying lover who she can't get rid of.
It's late. I'm taking the computer to a computer repairs shop tomorrow. Hopefully it should be fixed sharpish. But in any case I'm going to Micheal's soon. To post this (Adendum: I posted this off the old computer which I fixed) to talk and maybe borrow the computer for design work if he lets me. That's the thing I'm most concerned about really. I mean the games and music and movies are nice and I've invested a lot of time in them. But this is important to my future. Future *Shudder*
iPod's almost out of battery. Oh well i'll just charge it and fall alsleep listening to it like I alwasy do. Story is going well. After panicing about the computer for a while I relaised I had better things to do. So i prayed to God. Not about the computer. I'm not that shallow. I prayed about friends family and want for understanding. I jsut wish I wasn't such a dissapointment to those around me. And also for a while I managed to fall into a world that I created through writing. I'm not going to say that I'm back to my former skill but a little grace has been given.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
Anyway I feel like a cuddle. Which is like a hug but a bit longer and as a general rule not standing up. Although it can happen, but mostly it becomes slow dancing. Unfortunately I have no one to cuddle. And that's the imediate thing I think of when I look at my lack of a relationship. Yeah i'm a physical person. Bu not as much as I thought. It's the intemit moment inherent in the cuddle. The feelin of protection, the ability to say what you want to say. Also because it's safe and warm and you feel in that instant you are definitively loved and cared for. The feeling that somebody understands you and if they dont that they will do there best to try to.
Anyway I've made up my mind. I just need one conversation. I don't think I ever got over my ex. She said she didn't want or wasn't ready for a relationship and I said I'd wait. But what if she doesn't want me to. I just need to ask her that question. I'm happy waiting for her. I'm a man of my word. But if she doesn't want me to wait then I shouldn't. Because it's not going to make anybody happy least of all her. Knowing she has the annoying lover who she can't get rid of.
It's late. I'm taking the computer to a computer repairs shop tomorrow. Hopefully it should be fixed sharpish. But in any case I'm going to Micheal's soon. To post this (Adendum: I posted this off the old computer which I fixed) to talk and maybe borrow the computer for design work if he lets me. That's the thing I'm most concerned about really. I mean the games and music and movies are nice and I've invested a lot of time in them. But this is important to my future. Future *Shudder*
iPod's almost out of battery. Oh well i'll just charge it and fall alsleep listening to it like I alwasy do. Story is going well. After panicing about the computer for a while I relaised I had better things to do. So i prayed to God. Not about the computer. I'm not that shallow. I prayed about friends family and want for understanding. I jsut wish I wasn't such a dissapointment to those around me. And also for a while I managed to fall into a world that I created through writing. I'm not going to say that I'm back to my former skill but a little grace has been given.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
Monday, 10 October 2011
Better once, worse twice.
I said I'd wait but what if she doesn't want me to wait.
I've been reading far to many books. Life isn't exactly romantic. Nor is it a mirror of what is shown in the printed text. I want to tell her my fears but I'm to afraid. But I know she reads this blog. So it's like writing a note and getting someone to hand it to her in class.
Pathtetic blog.
But my health is kinda pathetic at the moment. I feel better mentally. But physically I'm a wreck.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!
I've been reading far to many books. Life isn't exactly romantic. Nor is it a mirror of what is shown in the printed text. I want to tell her my fears but I'm to afraid. But I know she reads this blog. So it's like writing a note and getting someone to hand it to her in class.
Pathtetic blog.
But my health is kinda pathetic at the moment. I feel better mentally. But physically I'm a wreck.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!
Saturday, 8 October 2011
I feel a little better.
I have recently downloaded a series I watched as a kid. It's called Zoids, New Century Zero. I know it's technically illegal now but I don't care. I felt like watching Zoids again because it reminded me of when I was a kid. And I think I needed that. It's calmed me down. Helped me think in the black and white terms that kids use. It's growing up that's fucked most of this up.
Most of all I wanted that kind of forgiveness you get as a kid. I wanted to be able to say that's okay and carry on like nothing happened. I want to forgive people for things I hold against them that maybe they don't even know that I do.
I feel kind of ridiculous typing a deep and meaningful post about my feelings when I'm wearing a blue and white wig and a silly hat. But then again. Ridiculous is an old friend of mine.
In Zoids the main character is called Bit Cloud. It's a silly name but he's completely focused on his dream. Nothing like girls to get in his way. I want to be like that. It's just one thing that stands between me and that. Well two.
The first being that I care about people to much. I can't help but want to help people when they're in trouble. And then I end up getting attached to them. That's not an arch type to my relationships. Mostly my crushes actually. Only a few haven't been formed this way.
The second being my dream means me being happy. That's all I want. Just to be happy. And the only times I've been really happy for a consistent time is when I've had a girlfriend. It's shallow. But it's how I feel. And if you think less of me because of it then fuck you. Not everyone's who you expect them to be and not everyone will stay the same forever. If you'd asked me this a week a ago I wouldn't have told you anything like this. But now I am.
There we have it, an angry insight into the way I think. I want to play dominion. But it's to late at night. There's something else that shall never be mentioned again. Micheal knows. I actually have no idea why I put that here. But it's staying. It's staying because I said so. And it's my blog.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!
Most of all I wanted that kind of forgiveness you get as a kid. I wanted to be able to say that's okay and carry on like nothing happened. I want to forgive people for things I hold against them that maybe they don't even know that I do.
I feel kind of ridiculous typing a deep and meaningful post about my feelings when I'm wearing a blue and white wig and a silly hat. But then again. Ridiculous is an old friend of mine.
In Zoids the main character is called Bit Cloud. It's a silly name but he's completely focused on his dream. Nothing like girls to get in his way. I want to be like that. It's just one thing that stands between me and that. Well two.
The first being that I care about people to much. I can't help but want to help people when they're in trouble. And then I end up getting attached to them. That's not an arch type to my relationships. Mostly my crushes actually. Only a few haven't been formed this way.
The second being my dream means me being happy. That's all I want. Just to be happy. And the only times I've been really happy for a consistent time is when I've had a girlfriend. It's shallow. But it's how I feel. And if you think less of me because of it then fuck you. Not everyone's who you expect them to be and not everyone will stay the same forever. If you'd asked me this a week a ago I wouldn't have told you anything like this. But now I am.
There we have it, an angry insight into the way I think. I want to play dominion. But it's to late at night. There's something else that shall never be mentioned again. Micheal knows. I actually have no idea why I put that here. But it's staying. It's staying because I said so. And it's my blog.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Come walk with me, see the world I see.
I was going to say that the world I see is a terrible place. But it isn't. It's the same world I've always looked. It's just the way that I look at it that's got a little bleaker.
There's a tournament series called the IEM Intel Extreme Masters. One of the games played is League so I took and interest in it. I've been watching and I'm a fan of two teams. SK gaming and CLG (Counter Logic Gaming). SK comes from France. CLG American. Yes this is getting deep again but I can't just launch into these things. Something I've learnt from writing. You can't pick a point and go. At least I can't. It just goes nowhere. And no book is made of just action sequences. As interesting as they are. You need the buildup. And background information. But anyway. The Finals (and semi finals) are a best of three. SK won second but that's not what I'm talking about. CLG won the first match but lost the last two. They lost to WorldElite a Chinese team. Not that them being Chinese is bad, just I support CLG. And I really wanted CLG to win. To pull something amazing out of their ass and win. Not just because I support them. But because I've started identifying with things far to much. I keep thinking that if CLG can pull something out so can I. And all the same for the various other things I support.
I suppose that it's a little silly. CLG winning won't have any effect on me in anyway. But I can't help but think it. I torture myself looking for absolution for problems in meaningless things and when they don't pull through and win or the absolution fails me I get really down. Like right now. When I saw Micheal say "WorldElite won" I just crumbled.
I was feeling good up till then. The first board of my folio was basically done. I have my cousins from Australia over. But right now all I want to do is... well the first thing I did was try to write. But staring at a screen for five minutes didn't help. Then I started this post. I have started writing. But I can't do a lot without talking some more to Micheal. Their are some details I need to iron out. I've started the introduction. It's history class about humanities flight from earth in fear of the alien known as Raskaan. I'm doing the colonists, Micheal's got the remnant left on earth. I'm having fun so far, just making things, ironing out details, characters that sort of thing. So it's given me something to an extent.
I get most of tomorrow of school tomorrow. I have to stay for second period because of a test and I have to stay for half of maths. But other than that I'm free to work with the tech crew to set up for stage challenge. Normally I'd be hoping I don't stuff up. But right now I just don't care. I've made mistakes. And they've caught up to me. And right now those mistakes can go fuck themselves with a forty foot pole. I can't be arsed thinking about them now. In fact i'm not even sure if I want to do this. I might just hand off to Saunders. He's supposed to be doing multimedia as well. I'll set up but he can do it. I suppose we'll see what happens tomorrow.
Skillet. Good band. But right now... no. Just no. Nothing that reminds me of Rachel. Nothing that reminds me of anything. I just want to lose myself in the music. I want to sink in and never come out. I don't want anything that means anything. Old Fall Out Boy. The newer stuff means something to me. But the old stuff I never looked at. Breaking Benjamin as well. Losing yourself in music is hard. Most music has a feeling ascribed to it. Some meaning in the lyrics.
I feel like slowly Rachel's falling away from anything close to a friend. It just seems like she doesn't make an effort when we talk. I've mostly started conversation. Eugh. Not ready for that admission. Micheal come back online. I need to tell you private best friend things.
Chivalry's a bitch and nice guys finish last.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
There's a tournament series called the IEM Intel Extreme Masters. One of the games played is League so I took and interest in it. I've been watching and I'm a fan of two teams. SK gaming and CLG (Counter Logic Gaming). SK comes from France. CLG American. Yes this is getting deep again but I can't just launch into these things. Something I've learnt from writing. You can't pick a point and go. At least I can't. It just goes nowhere. And no book is made of just action sequences. As interesting as they are. You need the buildup. And background information. But anyway. The Finals (and semi finals) are a best of three. SK won second but that's not what I'm talking about. CLG won the first match but lost the last two. They lost to WorldElite a Chinese team. Not that them being Chinese is bad, just I support CLG. And I really wanted CLG to win. To pull something amazing out of their ass and win. Not just because I support them. But because I've started identifying with things far to much. I keep thinking that if CLG can pull something out so can I. And all the same for the various other things I support.
I suppose that it's a little silly. CLG winning won't have any effect on me in anyway. But I can't help but think it. I torture myself looking for absolution for problems in meaningless things and when they don't pull through and win or the absolution fails me I get really down. Like right now. When I saw Micheal say "WorldElite won" I just crumbled.
I was feeling good up till then. The first board of my folio was basically done. I have my cousins from Australia over. But right now all I want to do is... well the first thing I did was try to write. But staring at a screen for five minutes didn't help. Then I started this post. I have started writing. But I can't do a lot without talking some more to Micheal. Their are some details I need to iron out. I've started the introduction. It's history class about humanities flight from earth in fear of the alien known as Raskaan. I'm doing the colonists, Micheal's got the remnant left on earth. I'm having fun so far, just making things, ironing out details, characters that sort of thing. So it's given me something to an extent.
I get most of tomorrow of school tomorrow. I have to stay for second period because of a test and I have to stay for half of maths. But other than that I'm free to work with the tech crew to set up for stage challenge. Normally I'd be hoping I don't stuff up. But right now I just don't care. I've made mistakes. And they've caught up to me. And right now those mistakes can go fuck themselves with a forty foot pole. I can't be arsed thinking about them now. In fact i'm not even sure if I want to do this. I might just hand off to Saunders. He's supposed to be doing multimedia as well. I'll set up but he can do it. I suppose we'll see what happens tomorrow.
Skillet. Good band. But right now... no. Just no. Nothing that reminds me of Rachel. Nothing that reminds me of anything. I just want to lose myself in the music. I want to sink in and never come out. I don't want anything that means anything. Old Fall Out Boy. The newer stuff means something to me. But the old stuff I never looked at. Breaking Benjamin as well. Losing yourself in music is hard. Most music has a feeling ascribed to it. Some meaning in the lyrics.
I feel like slowly Rachel's falling away from anything close to a friend. It just seems like she doesn't make an effort when we talk. I've mostly started conversation. Eugh. Not ready for that admission. Micheal come back online. I need to tell you private best friend things.
Chivalry's a bitch and nice guys finish last.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
Monday, 3 October 2011
The day of days, the week of weeks.
At the start of the next week. If I haven't done anything tangible on the story by then... Well that stories old.
I don't have anything else to do, or write about, or anything. Right now I feel hollow. And weird.
This post is an unmitigated disaster. I don't even know what unmitigated means. It's just from a phrase I heard once. I have three seasons of Chuck which I'm rapidly making my way through.
It's raining outside. Muted by the ceiling. Further muted by my headphones. Which I have on but nothing's playing.
I just remembered I promised Micheal Season three of Chuck. So I suppose I better put it on my flash. Saunders found something called Last FM. Which basically takes what you listen to and posts it to a website. So you can check out your friends listening history and such. Also you can find out the bands they listen to. But my history isn't that interesting. Just the same old stuff repeated over and over again. I had started listening to albums. But I found it just gets boring.
Oh Nostalgia, I don't need you anymore. But I can't get you out of my mind and my life. Micheal said that he was game for restarting the joint story. The only problem was we had no definable interlinking story line. I did some interlinking at the start. But I'm not good with the Colonization part of the story. Hopefully I get past that.
I like the song Parachute - Kiss me Slowly. But in contrast I also like the song Parachute - What I know. Sometimes music speaks to you. I can't tell what it's saying though, not this time.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
I don't have anything else to do, or write about, or anything. Right now I feel hollow. And weird.
This post is an unmitigated disaster. I don't even know what unmitigated means. It's just from a phrase I heard once. I have three seasons of Chuck which I'm rapidly making my way through.
It's raining outside. Muted by the ceiling. Further muted by my headphones. Which I have on but nothing's playing.
I just remembered I promised Micheal Season three of Chuck. So I suppose I better put it on my flash. Saunders found something called Last FM. Which basically takes what you listen to and posts it to a website. So you can check out your friends listening history and such. Also you can find out the bands they listen to. But my history isn't that interesting. Just the same old stuff repeated over and over again. I had started listening to albums. But I found it just gets boring.
Oh Nostalgia, I don't need you anymore. But I can't get you out of my mind and my life. Micheal said that he was game for restarting the joint story. The only problem was we had no definable interlinking story line. I did some interlinking at the start. But I'm not good with the Colonization part of the story. Hopefully I get past that.
I like the song Parachute - Kiss me Slowly. But in contrast I also like the song Parachute - What I know. Sometimes music speaks to you. I can't tell what it's saying though, not this time.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
Sunday, 2 October 2011
The last in a long line for now.
I turned on our old computer today. I found some pieces of a story I was writing with two of my friends. It fell apart after massive arguments, mostly over the alien that was attacking the earth. We had name's, people, places, entire planets created for this. And then one guy ruins it because he's to obstinate to even consider changing something about the aliens. Raaskaan they were called. I liked the characters.
Just the names are now outdated. I'm a huge fan of the name Johnathan Hayes and Michael Grace. Anna was one of the names, so was ummm... Jordan Moore. Anna and Nehemiah Something. Mark "Moses" Something. Levi Green the evil guy.
Then there was Micheal's people. See the people I had, called UniTE ((United Territories of Earth) credit for the name goes to Saunders ) Had left earth because they were losing the war against the Raaskaan. Micheal's guys stayed on earth. One was called Allan Ruiz. The leader. There were six main characters. Allan, Neil, Celia, and some others I don't remember. One of them died looking at a Raaskaan super-weapon. Which was a super storm. And I think me and Micheal argued about UniTE killing one of them. But they had weapons called Shredder's which took metal shredded it and ejected it at high velocity. Rudimentary shotgun SMG.
I enjoyed creating that. It's a pity it fell apart and I lost all my work.
Well the post's called 'The last in a long line for now" here's why. If I can get this concept moving, flowing. A few chapters maybe, then I'll keep writing. But if I can't I'm stopping for a while. Take a break for a while.
I have no idea how it's going to turn out. With Micheal we each had characters. Enough for a novel each. I'm not going to be able to manage that. So I have to make a decision. Do I ask Micheal to get back on board? And that's assuming he says yes. Or do I cut some of our characters. The people I don't remember would definitely go. Some people would get new names. I'm not renaming Allan or Jordan. Yes that sounds a bit self righteous to have a character named Jordan but I didn't come up with the name and It's one of the two I completely remember.
Anyway. I would say wish me luck. But I don't need luck. It's all there. I just need to find it again. Perhaps you should wish me guidance.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
Just the names are now outdated. I'm a huge fan of the name Johnathan Hayes and Michael Grace. Anna was one of the names, so was ummm... Jordan Moore. Anna and Nehemiah Something. Mark "Moses" Something. Levi Green the evil guy.
Then there was Micheal's people. See the people I had, called UniTE ((United Territories of Earth) credit for the name goes to Saunders ) Had left earth because they were losing the war against the Raaskaan. Micheal's guys stayed on earth. One was called Allan Ruiz. The leader. There were six main characters. Allan, Neil, Celia, and some others I don't remember. One of them died looking at a Raaskaan super-weapon. Which was a super storm. And I think me and Micheal argued about UniTE killing one of them. But they had weapons called Shredder's which took metal shredded it and ejected it at high velocity. Rudimentary shotgun SMG.
I enjoyed creating that. It's a pity it fell apart and I lost all my work.
Well the post's called 'The last in a long line for now" here's why. If I can get this concept moving, flowing. A few chapters maybe, then I'll keep writing. But if I can't I'm stopping for a while. Take a break for a while.
I have no idea how it's going to turn out. With Micheal we each had characters. Enough for a novel each. I'm not going to be able to manage that. So I have to make a decision. Do I ask Micheal to get back on board? And that's assuming he says yes. Or do I cut some of our characters. The people I don't remember would definitely go. Some people would get new names. I'm not renaming Allan or Jordan. Yes that sounds a bit self righteous to have a character named Jordan but I didn't come up with the name and It's one of the two I completely remember.
Anyway. I would say wish me luck. But I don't need luck. It's all there. I just need to find it again. Perhaps you should wish me guidance.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
Saturday, 1 October 2011
Thinking and thought
I thought I was dealing with my great aunties death admirably. Instead it turns out that the only thing I've done is bottle up all my unhappiness. The loss of my relationship, the loss of my writing, the loss of my great aunt. I want it to stop. I want to stop losing things. But that's not how it works. And I need to shut up and stop complaining.
I've bottled the unhappiness. It's slowly leaking out. I'm becoming flippant. Ignoring my family. Isolating myself on the computer. League is becoming the only escape I have. And my parents don't understand that. They keep saying, it's only a game, this is real life. Well right now I don't want real life. I want fantasy. Where I can ignore the real world for a while.
The only death that really ever shook me was my Uncle Grant. He wasn't a real uncle. An uncle in Christ officially. But he was an uncle to me. He was the cool uncle. The uncle that was ready for anything. That was always up for a game or a visit. He got sick. But he kept going. Then he was gone. There was a hole. And sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to miss him as much as I do. I miss him more than my great aunt. I mean she was always there. A constant figure in my childhood. But Uncle Grant was an active part. Something I miss everyday. I just wish for another day. Just to have the constant enthusiasm and ready for anything attitude around me again.
I guess that's a part of the reason I liked Rachel. Because she reminded me of him. There are many other reasons but none are particularly on topic here.
I'm crashing now. I've been strung out for a few days and now I'm falling apart. Holidays soon. Hopefully I can make it there.
I think caffeine would be helpful here. But all we have is coffee. And I can't drink that. The same way I can't drink wine or beer. I just feel incredibly sick during and after.
Chest's thrown and table's toppled.
Hands armed with broken bottles.
Standing no chance to win.
But we're not running. Not running.
I want to run. I want to run and not look back til I'm miles away.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
I've bottled the unhappiness. It's slowly leaking out. I'm becoming flippant. Ignoring my family. Isolating myself on the computer. League is becoming the only escape I have. And my parents don't understand that. They keep saying, it's only a game, this is real life. Well right now I don't want real life. I want fantasy. Where I can ignore the real world for a while.
The only death that really ever shook me was my Uncle Grant. He wasn't a real uncle. An uncle in Christ officially. But he was an uncle to me. He was the cool uncle. The uncle that was ready for anything. That was always up for a game or a visit. He got sick. But he kept going. Then he was gone. There was a hole. And sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to miss him as much as I do. I miss him more than my great aunt. I mean she was always there. A constant figure in my childhood. But Uncle Grant was an active part. Something I miss everyday. I just wish for another day. Just to have the constant enthusiasm and ready for anything attitude around me again.
I guess that's a part of the reason I liked Rachel. Because she reminded me of him. There are many other reasons but none are particularly on topic here.
I'm crashing now. I've been strung out for a few days and now I'm falling apart. Holidays soon. Hopefully I can make it there.
I think caffeine would be helpful here. But all we have is coffee. And I can't drink that. The same way I can't drink wine or beer. I just feel incredibly sick during and after.
Chest's thrown and table's toppled.
Hands armed with broken bottles.
Standing no chance to win.
But we're not running. Not running.
I want to run. I want to run and not look back til I'm miles away.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
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