We want what we want.

Ain't nothing I can do about that. But because I want it doesn't mean that I get it. So if I want it bad enough shouldn't I go out and do my utmost to get it? So why don't I? I keep telling myself that I need something but I never seem to try and get it. I don't understand how my own mind works. I don't understand how I'm supposed to arrive at a conclusion that benefits me and everyone around me. I don't want to be selfish but I don't want to be entirely selfless as well.

And just like that it's gone. A light extinguished in front of my very eyes so sudden that the image is still burned into my irises. An image that hovers so tantalizing in front of your imagination that you could almost live it. It's gone and it will never be back. Because even if something close shows up at you doorstep it won't be the way you remember it and it sure as hell won't play out the way you want it to. So you move forward always looking back because you prefer that which came before to what happened and will. Because you don't have the stomach to live, move forward and change things for your own and others benefit. And because you think that it's far easier to simply be as is rather than try and change. Because change is hard for you.

And of course by you I mean me. "Please God make me stone." So that I don't know and feel this way. A single act. Who would have thought that a single act could trigger that. Usually circumstance has a beat down on me but today it was just one thing. Ain't the mind a beautiful thing.

Tell me you love me!

Or at least like me! Please?

Okay I have no idea what that was for. Call it me being weird. Or whatever you feel like I really don't care. I mean it's not like it was important or that I'm going to talk to anybody about it. I mean it's just me saying something on an internet forum. It's possibly the least important thing ever. But people still read it sometimes so I suppose it does have some relevance.

However that wasn't actually why I began to write this post. In all honesty I don't actually remember why I started this. I have realized that I say a few things a lot. Things like "However..." "But Still..." "But I digress..." Stuff like that. I suppose, oh that's another one, that it's just ingrained into my diary writing style. I think that it's just my way of easing my way out of corners. So instead of rendering a statement to be an absolute it instead becomes a view or something that might happen.

Same way with my supposed modesty. It's not modesty. It's me either covering for a mistake I might make or my self defeatist attitude telling me that I haven't done as well as I could have. And to an extent, oh there we go again, it's correct. I rarely put my entire effort in for the entire time period, I always slack off at both the start and the end. And I have a theory. I think it's because I'm not good at concentrating and I think my natural ability will carry me through. The former is end and the later is start if you can't figure that out. If you can't I'm slightly concerned.

Seems like enough.

Blacklight!

This post actually has very little to do with the game it just seemed like an easy way to get this started. First I am angry that the patch is so big, that is all to do with Blacklight. So umm, photoschool. yeah it's pretty great. I mean it can be slightly redundant because of it's reliance on film but there are plenty of camera's out there that do use film, it would just be a matter of finding both. I say slightly because most of the principals can be transferred but modern digital camera's help streamline the process and photo editing suites perform much the same function as a darkroom. So it's only slightly redundant, a very minuscule amount or redundancy. But other than that I think it's great and everyone should do it if they can.

There are some days where I don't feel like doing much,some nights where the same is applicable. Like tonight for instance. I could be being helpful or studying or any number of things that might benefit me. But tonight I just can't be fucked. Even playing league seems like an unnecessary hassle. So in fact after I've finished this I might just go to bed. Bed and Barcelona. My two favorite places in the world. One I visit frequently and one I never have. Hold on, I must check my list and see if I have accomplished anything. Nope, but they all were fairly long term goals. And now I have something to tack onto the end of number 5. Go to Paris.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4BA80-e2cwg Go to this link and listen to this song. It is cool and you should do it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHjpOzsQ9YI&feature=relmfu You should also listen to this because I think that it is cool as well.
I'm a fan of Fun. and Violins. However I do not think that Fun. and violins would go well together. It just doesn't seem to suit Fun. I feel that Fun. as a general rule tend to use more Brass than Strings. I wouldn't rule it out but it just strikes me as something that wouldn't happen unless Fun. was radically stepping out. But when you consider the difference in sound between the two of them. Whoo music commentary I could totally bullshit my way through a music critic show. Provided I knew something about the music. Oh and cared about it. I don't think I could be a professional critic. To much listening to music that I think isn't nice. But if I was payed then maybe I could suffer through it.

I get distracted easily. Youtube surfing is really fun if you start in the right place and pick the right links. But that in itself is really hard for some people. Yes Micheal I mean you. You end up in some pretty weird places. And I youtube surf a lot of the time and never end up anywhere near the stuff you end up at. It's downright bizarre that stuff.

FOOTBALL. Draw is up and I see that I am playing in Celeno Park on Saturday. Fun Fun. Means I don't have to get up that early. I think we should be playing at a later time personally. Nine in the morning is not a good time for me. First of all. It's in the morning. And second of all. It's nine but I have to warm up and travel before that, so that means getting up at around 7. Maybe earlier if I'm unlucky and we're playing further away. It's annoying sometimes but I LOVE FOOTBALL so it's fine. I need to be fitter. And stop lsitening to people's compliments. I need to play better. There is no alternative. I may be a very decent defender but I need to be better, I need to raise the bar so that I can be the very best player on our team. Because I feel strongly about playing football. It's hard work but so rewarding when you do it right. Just like most other sports. Except for Rugby. I don't like Rugby.

Well it's High Time.

High Time that I actually wrote another post. What is it like a month since the last one. 26th of April was the last one. So that's 20 days I think. My months and days maths is really horrible. But what can I write this about? I suppose I should start with the front of my mind. Right now I'm really liking a new game I've started playing. It's called Blacklight Retribution and its free to play. That means that it's full of micro transactions which are bloody annoying. Personally I believe that it shouldn't be that expensive to buy a bloody rifle. But then when you consider player retention you have to price it up. Otherwise you get no money or playerbase.

Then I'm also getting back into league. Considering that my Ranked team doesn't have a distinct AP carry player and I can play two of them I think I'm expected to slot into that. Or rather I'm slotting in because it's something we need and I'm fairly decent at it. So either way I'm doing a service to my friends.

I also helped Micheal cook his dinner last night. It was rather successful. Although he provided all of the ingredients and all I did was help him cook it. Still it felt nice. Well it was better than what I'm eating right now, which isn't all that bad. Chopped Tomato in a can and Tomato Garlic Pasta Sauce I think. Plus some spices because Spiciness is awesome for me.

I'm sleeping better and I'm playing better soccer I'm told. Personally I think I'm doing shit but that's apparently just me being critical. Well that seems adequate for now. Catcha.