Well.

I guess that's that then. No more. Gone and lost.

Behold, War on his red horse.

I'm angry again. But it's directed at me. Because I'm not good enough, I'm not self motivated enough. An example. We have a ranked team (stay with on this) and you are allowed eight members. There are five slots in a playing team and three reserves. Micheal has been making a big deal about this because he won't have time to play while he's in Australia. And I don't blame him. But the major thing is the bottom lane. We have four people vying for the two spots and none vying for mine. And I've got complacent and lazy. Because there is no one who wants the spot I don't have to do anything to keep it. So I just sit around play path of exile and other things that in this sense don't matter.

But who cares right. It's just a game. Well the skills in that game translate fairly well to life. Cooperation, quick thinking, forward thinking. And I'm bad at it. So how does this bode for my life? Not well I'd say.

We have our last soccer game of the season this week. And I get to move out of defense. Don't get me wrong I love it playing there. But I just want to get out every so often even if it is just for a few minutes. The same way I have to get out of the house every so often and I have to get out of this town every so often. And sometimes I wonder where to from here. And I wish I could just say, "Bring me yon' horizon" and be done with it. It's ironic in that I want to travel but new people make me nervous. That's not to say that I don't like new people but I just feel nervous around him.

Dammit I'm losing my best friend next year. I could right that generic speed about inside jokes and being weird. But hell we are anything but ordinary. I'll miss you man. I know he's not gone for good and I'll see him again at some point but still after 5 years with a best friend who lived only ten maybetwenty minutes away it's gonna be hard not having him around for advice and just to talk to. I knew that I wasn't going to get a childhood sweetheart but I thought I might be able to keep my best friend for a bit longer.

Stop believing me when I tell you it's nothing!

People ask me "Are you okay?" I say yes because it's easier than explaining. Explaining that you know that something is wrong and you desperately try and fix it but nothing you try works. Knowing that you can feel it eating away at you but you can never actually understand what it is that's wrong let alone try and fix it. I can't just cure this by not thinking about it. Or by thinking about something desirable. Nothing works any more. Not Tania, Not Rachel, not anybody who I ever loved in any way helps. I just end up thinking about how I hurt them. Even if it was pathetic and small and tiny. Even if it's just one small thing, it will play over and over in my head until I want to tear at my hair and scream til it stops. I keep telling myself they've moved on, that it's nothing, that it no longer matters. But I can't stop it. I can't stop the images in my head of the things I've done wrong. I'm not a bad person. I just want it to stop.

Dammit.