I feel like I've made a misstep somewhere.

Something's bugging me. Like some time in the immediate present, as in the last few days, I've made some incredible mistake that I should remedy. Unfortunately to find a remedy you have to know what's wrong. And I can't just try and fix it regardless. It's like asking for cough medicine when your foot is sore.

Sometimes I really fell like I'm not helping. I just end up making the person mad at me in addition to whatever they were before I tried to help. And I don't often get to help people. So maybe I should take the hint.

I know that I still have some feelings for most of the girls I've dated. But I'm possessive. And that's not something that many girls appreciate these days. I mean back in 1880 it was considered to be usual. But I don't live in 1880. And depending on the girl I would probably take them back if they asked. And sometimes I think about that. About what would happen if they did ask me to come back. It never goes anywhere because people aren't how I imagine them to be. Nobody ever conforms to how you picture them in your head. Even if you've known them for a very long time they will still surprise you somehow.

I'd like to think that somewhere out there, there's somebody who is perfect for me. And I'll freely admit I often hoped in a high school romance. But now I'm under no illusion, high school romances are for those who are either incredibly lucky or incredibly stupid. Lucky enough to find that one true love, or stupid enough to attach themselves to somebody who they think is. It's a toss up really. Are they really "The one" or is there somebody else somewhere out there that when you meet a choir of angels will just burst into song. I know that a high school romance isn't going to happen for me. But I just don't do casual. I can't just like somebody and then be expected to drop them like they were nothing. It's just something I can't do. I've seen it done and that's great for them. I'm sure that they'll have an enjoyable life picking up strangers in bars.

I'm not the easiest guy to be friends with. I can be petty, self absorbed, helpful, kind, empathetic, incredibly anti social and out there in your face. You really never know with me. I'm not the best at making friends either. When I meet new people I sometimes freeze up, I sometimes just say hi and then be aloof, and I sometimes jump head first into conversation. I'm at home in some conversations, like games or soccer, and will make everybody feel incredibly awkward in other situations. Maybe that's normal. Maybe it's not. I hate being left out and will often enough leave a conversation if I have nothing to say. I'm loud at times and far to quiet at others. I'm argumentative. I'm difficult, and I appreciate people putting up with me. Though I end up butting heads with most of them at many points in my life.

I hate doing things that don't interest me. I need to learn to force myself sometimes, because often enough I just end up staring at the ceiling when I'm meant to be working. I also hate being sick. In the holidays I don't spend a lot of time outside unless I'm working but I want to have the option open. When your sick your confined and I hate that feeling.

I also hate it that I have no idea who reads my blog. No wait that came out wrong. I know that Rachel and Micheal read it. And I have given the link to some other people. But they never comment on it so I have no idea if they read it or not. I don't know if Tania or Tamara read it to name a few. I know that Tania and Tamara have read it before but I don't know if they actively read it. That bugs me but I don't want to have to chase them up to force them to read it.

I miss the comforting feeling that I had when I was going out with Rachel. It's hard to describe and put into experiences that doesn't make it seem incredibly petty but I still miss it. I don't want to try to explain it. Because I'd prefer it remained a mystery even to me. I don't want it to be defined and categorized. Just that feeling of comfort and safety when your in another persons arms and you don't want to let go. Plus her hair smelled really nice and because of the height difference I could smell it whenever we were hugging.

Micheal wrote a post where he was completely honest. But while he was being honest to hurt people I'm just trying to be honest to myself. I don't mean to poke you with a stick Micheal it's just my viewpoint on what you did. You were brutally honest. I don't know why I wanted to write an honest post. Perhaps I've had to much of tip toeing around and hinting at information. I have no reason to now.

And I do think some people are good at heart. I think that some people never want to hurt you and kills them if they do. I think that some people are always looking for a way to help. They just muck it up sometimes or are never given the opportunity. 

I've just gotta get myself over me.

It's not other people that are the problem. Sure I've had the clinging problem in the past and I don't expect that it's gone yet. But It's me that has the problem. I know I'm not God's gift to man. I know that I may not be the best, or the most considerate, or the funniest. In fact I'm the equivalent of a Swiss army knife really. I do everything. A little of funny, a little of understanding friend. Just sometimes not very well. I have to start accepting that. That sometimes I'm really not suited to a situation. And that sometimes the situation will not change because you wish it will.

I want to forget sometimes, but that would change who I am. Experience makes us as much as anything. I just don't want it to change me into mopey guy. If you get what I mean by mopey guy. I'm not sure what to do with myself now. It all seems so distant. I'm not like depressed or anything. I'm not even sad. Just empty. I've felt like this before. I'm sure I have. I just can't place it. It's annoying now, because I'm going to spend the rest of the night trying desperately to remember where it all came from. Or rather where I've felt this before.

Can't think of anything cept the feeling. This post is gone.

Expectations

"I'm not looking for a relationship."Close enough to what I got told by Rachel. But I went ahead with it anyway and got exactly what I expected to get. It feels good to get it off my chest. I feel lighter.

I'd be lying if I said I felt fine about it. If I felt nothing then I'd be guilty of not having any affections in the first place. So I feel a little sad. But not expecting much kind of softened the blow, like a sort of padding was in place.

On the bright side I spent some of the day with a kitten. And Kittens are cute by default. Because they're kittens and cute makes most people feel better. Still pissed off at my computer not running some games properly. Especially League. I've spent days on that dam thing and I'd hate for it to go to waste.

I can't help but wonder if what I said changed what she thinks about me. I expected to get friend zoned,, because that's just the kind of guy I normally am. "Great/average friend, But I wouldn't date him."

Whoo fragmented thoughts. It's like poking a person doing a puzzle and seeing how they react. Whether or not they can keep solving the puzzle or they snap back at you. Like a beaten pet that tires of it's master. I didn't say dog because a dog can love even the cruelest master. And sometimes people are like that. It's the typical guy thing. (This of course has nothing to do with my situation, it's just where my train of thought went.) You know the whole Guy likes girl, girl goes out with total douchebag, guy is sad. And somehow despite the fact that he always seemed to be a total douchebag they continue to go out for reasons unknown to "guy".

"I've been waiting all this time to be something I can't define."
I've certainly been waiting for something to happen and I sure as hell have no idea what has happened or how that will effect me. And I'm slightly frustrated at that. I have no control over where I'm going or what I'm becoming. I just have to go with the flow and hope like hell I turn out okay.

It did seem a little ironic. After Asking and the such I decided to turn on my ipod and listen to my music on shuffle. The first song that comes up is "Should've when you could have." By Skillet. I did it, I took a chance, and it didn't work. Maybe I shouldn't have when I could have. But that's all speculative, nothing can be done about it now.

But what do I expect from life. Common courtesy from most people. The truth from my friends. A hug now and then. A cuddle even less frequently. Other than that I'm pretty much fine. You don't have to give me anything else. It's just things that I can't get for myself mostly.

Well that's me. I need to get to bed once in a while at least.

How do we expect prayers to be answered?

I've prayed for immaterial things before. Sometimes I received them. Sometimes I didn't. I'm not going to go through a long list of things that I've prayed for. That would reveal a considerable amount of information, some of it I'm not entirely comfortable releasing. But If i always pray and have no idea how to understand the results what am I supposed to do. People have told me i'm supposed to pray for meaningful things. On the other hand people have also told me that when you are in doubt or want something or need guidance you should pray. So how do I separate meaningful from unmeaningful? Nobody's ever told me that and I'm no closer to knowing the difference for myself. I've prayed for guidance over the girl. As far as I'm aware I've received none. But I have made a decision. So I suppose that could be considered Divine. That's been my problem I suppose. I never knew what to attribute to God and what to attribute to bad luck. Or rather luck in general.

Dammit Rachel why do you always do this. "You should listen to this band." I listen to the band. Download the album. Listen to it, like it. End up listening to it a lot. it's not necessarily a bad thing so I suppose the use of the word dammit was a bit harsh. I'm not even exasperated. It's just a situation I've found myself in twice and knowing her it's bound to happen again. And I'm completely fine with that.

I told Rachel who I liked. And now I'm debating whether or not I should I put this section in. It's already written in my head. But I'm odd like that. It's written and it may not even see the light of day.

I tried to uninstall my Anti-virus and replace it with the Microsoft version. No noticeable difference but it's from Microsoft and somehow that's more comforting than a mysterious external corporation. That went as well as stuff ever does. As in it didn't. I ended up not having antivirus for three days. But it's all fine now. I have antivirus.

Last exam tomorrow. And after that. I don't know what I'm going to do. I could do what I did last summer. Bum around and do nothing. But that seems defeatist. So I'll probably end up bumming around on the computer writing. I know my mum hates me spending so much time on the computer but still. I write the best on the computer as far as I can tell. Well I may not write best but I enjoy it the most. Mostly the rhythmic tap of the keys. It's somehow relaxing.

Saunders thinks that the kind of blog I write is silly. Public journal that is. But I like writing blogs and I have nothing else to write about. So keep your opinion Saunders. You don't read it, you don't want to and that's fine with me.

A letter to my future self

I got the idea from a friends status on Facebook.

Dear me.
Are you an author yet? A famous soccer player? An Architect? Working in videogames?
To be honest it doesn't really matter. Just so long as you did a  few simple things. First, kept hold of your friends. You had a really awesome group of friends back then. Don't waste that. Second manned up a little. I know that back then you felt a little overwhelmed and are inclined to be reactive. And that's fine. But just choose the things that really matter and be proactive about them. Whether it be a girl, a job, or anything. Just make sure that you go out and get it. Third. Be able to strike at least two things from that list. I don't care if they were the easiest things on that list. Just do it. You have the time right now and you had the time then. I hope you used it wisely. Fourth. Never live in fear of anything. I understand that so much depended on what you did back then. And that you had a right to be scared. But an admirable goal to strive for is to never be afraid of anything. It may seem stupid but I know that back then you were tired of living in fear. A little fear may be good but you never wanted any. I hope you strove for that goal. Because you'll never reach it entirely. Not in your life. But I hope that you tried. And last of all. Remembered that your nothing without the people around you. You were beginning to understand it back then.

Sincerely you.

You can just sit here and stare.

Or you can do something. But some days I prefer to just sit and stare. I'm not confident. But right now I don't care. It's almost like I'm tired of sitting on it. I'm so tired, I just want it to end. And in some ways, I just wish I'd had this attitude a long time ago.

I'm also tired of not writing. This is for my benefit now. I don't care if nobody ever reads it. I don't care if nothing meaningful gets done. I don't care. I just want something that is mine. Undeniably mine.

It's selfish. But I'm tired of trying to pander to other people to make them feel better. I try to be a friend and someone to talk to. But It seems like I'm just not treated that way. I'm just that mildly funny guy.

It's weird looking back at it. I said that I need other people in my life to be happy. I depend on them, and now I'm doing something completely for me. I think it's high time I did at least one thing for me. And I know some people that should do that as well. No names named. No small voices telling them. They don't get to know for now. Because if I'm not someone to talk to about serious stuff why would anyone listen. And I'd probably get backhanded for it. Not literally, a metaphoric backhand. To my metaphorical face. Although some of the people I wouldn't rule out an actual backhand.

I don't speak much sometimes. Because I feel that other people have more things to say that are more relevant. And what's the point in saying something if it has no purpose. There are times where I just end up blathering about anything. Most notably when I'm nervous. Or If I want to keep talking to someone.

Let's just wait and type. Just to see if anything jumps to mind. Except for the songs blaring in my headphones. Just Prison Break. That was a good series. Well the first series anyway. Nope nothing's jumping to mind except reloading sounds. Reloading of guns that would be. I've never heard it in real life except for a bolt action. But Video games are pretty realistic these days. The SPARTAN's in Halo Reach have excellent firearms discipline. Because whenever they change to the pistol they take the safety off. I dunno if they do that for the other guns because I've only ever played Zombies. "I LIED" I have played other game types. But not any that stick to mind. Unlike Zombies, which is all we play when I go to the MacKay's. That's not a complaint. It's just an observation. I was tempted to steal Tania's blanket today. Just tempted I didn't actually do it. But it was a nice blanket. I should get one. And a teddy. I said I'd get a teddy a while back and I never got round to it. I wonder what she will think when I tell her? I wonder if she'll realize that the blogs are referencing her? That's maybe a bit too hinty. Fuck it. It's staying. I wasn't planning on keeping it a secret much longer.

Still no sign-off.

It's high time...

And I wish it was. I said once to somebody very special that I enjoy being high up, away from the ground, away from everybody else who just meanders along. I enjoy the ability to look at everything in front of me when I'm above the ground. It makes me feel like I'm apart for a moment.

But the new house has no clear vantage point. It's built in a gully. So even If I did climb a tree then it doesn't work because all I get is the view of the gully sides and other trees.

I don't like my new house. And I want to go home. But I don't get that. Because despite the fact I grew up there, It's not my house anymore.

I want to tell her. But I think that would be inconsiderate. Seeing as she has exams, and so do I. And I don't want her performance in the exams to be lessened. Either by worrying about the question, or by paying more attention to me than her exams. But I want to tell her. I want to get rid of this stupid load off my chest. I want to stop acting a little awkward around her. But then if I tell her and she says no then it will make it more awkward.  I really don't think things through.

No sign off today. It's being changed again.

Does it?

There’s nothing to say that what I’m doing will have any bearing on anything ever. There’s no saying that spending time with her will actually make her want me more. There’s nothing to say that I will ever end up with her. But I want it. I want something to go my way. But I’ve been given that before and look how well that turned out. Come to think of it, it turned out rather well. Well as well as the situation could have warranted.

I still haven’t found my “girl” “friend”.  There has got to be a better way of signifying that. But no matter I shall persist. It’s not that I haven’t been looking It’s just that nobody seems to be right for it. The only person I can think of is the object of my most recent crush, which kind of gets rid of the whole Girl who is a Friend angle. Because obviously if I have a crush on her then I want to be a bit more than friends. 

Well I’m incredibly tired. And that’s weird because I got a good night’s sleep. My computer keeps crashing while I play league. Maybe if I update the drivers then that might help. Well that was confusing and not at all helpful. I’ll update later and chance it for now. Besides doing things to the computer is not at all helpful when tired.

Whooo. My parents berated me today for doing exactly what they said. I wasn’t being sarcastic or anything at the time either. She said that I needed to leave a note or tell her I was going. I left the note as instructed and then got in trouble when I told mum I was studying at the MacKay’s. I mean I went out to study and I left her a note. Later I found out that this was not what she meant and that If she was there I should let her know. I thought I could do one or the other. But nope Jordan’s wrong again. I love it when people assume I know these things

Sometimes I wonder. And to an extent wander. I walk around and just look at things. It puts me in kind of a detached mood. I don't often do it, I don't exactly take leave of my senses but it comes pretty close. And I've done some silly things while doing that. Decisions you don't entirely think through. 

Why is it? Why despite the fact I don't expect her to say yes that I continue to like her? If the affair is as doomed as I make it out then surely I should just sever all ties and then continue on. But I can't. I have no idea why. It's as if it just won't leave me alone. I just realized that sounds kind of silly. A feeling won't leave me alone. And yet it just is. I can't explain it more than that. Or I just don't want to. Sometimes part of the magic is the fact that you don't know. It's like having a secret admirer. You spend your days imagining what he or she looks like and why they don't want to tell you and when the truth is revealed, most times it's considerably less glamorous than what you imagined. Though I'm not ruling out that certain sometimes. Movies are based off something and very very rarely it happens just how you imagine it. 

I'm hoping I get that certain sometimes. 

In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!

My minds made up.

I will tell her after exams. That seems to be the best decision right now. I don't want to sit on it any more but I don't want to distract me or her. But that's assuming that it would actually distract her.

I over think things.

I don't download singular songs. I think it's messy. But if you look at my play count then you will find one song that gets listened to more than the others. I suppose that's just normal. Everyone gets attached to a song. Except in most cases it's from the top forty.

I heard somewhere that If you fall asleep thinking about someone they will dream of you. It's just something to give solace to a lovesick fool. But I can't help wishing it were true for a moment. Then you think. They's dream about you every night and then it might get crowded when other people dream about them. So while all fine in romantic theory it's impractical in reality. Like so many of those romantic throw away's.

Sometimes I wonder. If you tell yourself something over and over will it come true? Not like "the clouds are green". Because that's physical. But something more along the lines of say a crush. If you tell yourself that your in love, will you start to feel that way? And if you tell somebody else something enough will they start to feel it? It might be true for some people. It worked on me once. I think.

I've covered my friend houses that I visit now. I only visit Saunders, Micheal with any regularity. And occasionally the MacKay's and Tamara. And between the last two days I've been to them all.

None of my top 5 chat contacts are here. They have all mysteriously disappeared to wherever they are right now. Which is not Facebook. I want to cuddle someone romantically. Which I think I've said on here before. Yep it was quite recently.

Well nothing else to say.

In the name of the Emperor, finish this!

Because I was like "I need something to do"

BLOOOOG. So there is no real reason for this blog post just like any other of my blog posts really.

The practical upshot of this being I don't have the first clue what to write about.

Today was a great day. The best day I've had in a while. Not because it was particularly awesome and we stopped world domination by the evil super villain. It was just nice. It was a lazy day. I spent the first two hours in Drama blocking out our first scene. Then me and Micheal hung out with the exchange student for about and hour, maybe half. And as we were going to my house we got distracted by the MacKay's. An incredibly awesome family. So we spent the rest of the afternoon playing halo with them. It wasn't a particularly exciting day. It was just incredibly nice.

Well that's exhausted that avenue of writing. So yeah my day was great. And now I have nothing to say.

I can't find Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles Season 1 Episode 10 in English Dub to download anywhere on the internet. So there. That's what I'm actually doing at the moment. Looking for that one episode which seems to have escaped me. I'll see If I can lure out an admin on the site I was downloading the stuff from. If not. I'll see if a friend in america can help out with that.

Or I'll just get a different series. But then I will end up with a lot of half series. Anyway. Looking at the time I should probably get off soon. I need to get up early tomorrow. TO check out some things on the internet tomorrow. Things that I'm to lazy to check now. I am a very lazy person. But my confidence is building. Soon, I think soon. In all honesty I don't think she's ever considered me a romantic interest. And I fully expect to get friend zoned. But I can live with that. I don't think I've ever seriously thought it would actually happen. I just hoped. I still do. And Hope can sometimes work.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

We all...

We all feel down at some point. But why does my weird have to be when others are feeling down. I say my weird because I have no clue what direction it is. It certainly isn't up, I've been happier. And it certainly isn't down, I've been worse. But just because there are times that I've been better and times when I've been worse doesn't mean that It couldn't be a small improvement or the opposite of improvement. Dis provement? Well I still call it a weird because it's taken me to a place that is neither happy nor sad, It's kind of somewhat eccentric indifference. Where I'm fine where I go from here and I'm in a little eccentric mood. Hell I don't even know If I'm eccentric but it's the best word I've heard so far to describe the way I act sometimes.

I imagine scenarios that will never happen in my head. Things where I'm awesome and get the girl and stuff. It's harmless really but it's part of my psyche. The internet has now reverted to dial up speeds. Which annoys me. Because I'm almost out of anime to watch. Wait. No I'm not. I still have Familiar of Zero, Digimon and what I have of Beyblade. But I'm supposed to be studying. So maybe the reset is a good thing. I did study again.

I returned the NCEA disc my maths teacher lent me. And was going to wish a friend happy birthday, but unfortunately she wasn't there so I had to leave my birthday happy with her mother. That made more sense in my head.

Just think. One word. One single word and the secrets out. Or one tiny scrap of information and then somebody figures it out. My friends are smart. I never imagined that information and secrets were that fragile. Again I'm tempted to just throw it out there and hang the consequences. But then I think about how it looks. And then the temptation dies down and lies there. Ready for the next time I'm writing a blog or talking about this sort of stuff.

I feel like playing a third person shooter with an assault rifle. I used to love third person shooters. It gave me more character awareness. But now I like the first person character immersion. I should really find a list of free third person shooters and then download one. Ghost Recon online jumps to mind but it's still in british beta. Which is to say. In beta. But only in Britain.

And after looking into it. My options are wait for Ghost Recon. Or Resident Evil. Which involves walking backwards head shotting things. So not what I was hoping for.

Dance like your disappointed in the world. No real reason for that just another song lyric.

That's me.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!

What...

Why can I not seem to phrase things. Even in my own head it just escapes me. Like a breath of air, one minute it's there and the next it's vanished. Maybe never to be seen again. I've been watching a TV anime series named s-CRY-ed. It was Micheal's favorite series as a kid. I think it still is, well his favorite anime. It was darker than normal Anime. As if it was made for adults. But still I hated the ending. It just seemed to ruin it.

I'm to lazy to expound my complaints so you'll have to take my word for it or watch the series yourself. And somehow I doubt that your going to do that. Except Micheal who has seen them. Why is it that I'm more fascinated by anime than by my own family? Why have I become a semi-recluse? The notion isn't exactly a bad thing. Some days I'd love to be a recluse. Oh look at that the girl I like is on. Oh look at that she's gone. Facebook mobile has weeded out the people you actually want to talk to. Now it's just the Facebook stalkers and those who open it automatically. And me who has to open the chat function because I like my browser. And then there's the people you want to talk to but they only have a Facebook because everyone does.

I don't feel like I'm serious at the moment. And I don't feel like I'm being silly at the moment. Finally found tolerable metal. And I downloaded the Tangled soundtrack. Not sure why. I think it was just that one song. And I download Albums. Single songs is messy. Single songs is bad. I even organised what little singles I do have into a miscellaneous album. Whoo OCD. No it's not really. It's just habit and my hatred of an untidy desktop. No Idea where that one sprung from.

I can see people go down the stairs from where I am. That's nice. Not really. Just another observation. I did study today. In equal quality with my gaming. I'm proud of my restraint.

Why is the music world focused around sex, love, loss of love and party. Even the music I listen to. Except for Rise against. That's a generalization there but, It's a general consensus.

I want to cuddle a girl romantically. Is it that much to ask?

I Type to fast and the auto correct told me that what I had mistakenly put for romantically should be aromatically. But I see where it made the mistake.

The blog post is becoming more and more broken and fragmented., and me saying that it's becoming fragmented has made it more fragmented. Yay!

I'm just wondering if people other than Rachel and Micheal read this.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

I'll make the Angel scream and the Devil cry.

That's the lyrics from a song on Devil May Cry 4. I love that game. There's just so many ways to play as Dante. I'm glad I bought it. It's weird some days I do excellent at League and like today. I do shit. I'm not sure how to fix it except for practicing more. But I really don't feel like I want to anymore. I'll feel different maybe tomorrow or the next. And then I'll play again, and then it's down to luck. Oh shit my hood fell off. I'm wearing a hood under my headset.

It's been a bad year for my families cats. My cat "Badger" died. Sir Nuzzles "Simba" has gone missing, and we think that another "Danny" is gone to. So that leaves "Walter" the least social and uncuddlest of the cats. And I'm sad. It's just cats but sometimes I identified more with the cats than I did with some people. They all had personalities and traits just like people. I just want to sleep but I can't, so I rub my eyes and keep staring at the screen. Days like these I think it's pointless, but other days I'm shown that the world is still an interesting place if nothing else. I suddenly want nibbles. I'm hungry, but I want to keep writing.

I'm conceited. I know that. I'm arrogant. I know that. I can't do anything about that. Whenever I try it just ends up being worse. I want to be a better person, but I just end up hurting people around me. And that's worse than hurting myself.

Just looking at free FPS games. Sometimes I wonder how I got addicted to games. What happened so that sometimes I prefer to game than to socialize. What made it so that I can spend days on end at the computer?

Usually I can't stand Metal. But when it comes from the Devil May Cry soundtrack I seem to love it. I want to be anti social right now. It's kinda weird but I don't want to talk. I just want to sit here, in a place I control completely and sit here for a while.

I admire Nero from Devil May Cry 4. The fact that he could chase after a Girl for most of a game and not expect anything from her. He just wants to rescue her because he promised he did. He loves her and he doesn't stop.

Mind you I also admire Dante. The ability to make fun of anything and not be afraid of anything. The cocky gunsure attitude he exhibits. Sometimes I really wish I was like him. Sure some of my friends might not be my friends anymore but at least I'd be sure of myself.

And they are both bad-ass half devil demon slayers. And in my imagination I'd love to do that.

That's me I suppose.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

Here we stand.

Poised on the edge of all oblivion, but will we jump? Here we stand, but do we fall here? Here we stand but will we back down?

No idea what that was for. But I wrote it myself for no reason so I'm posting it for no reason.  I enjoy being impulsive. But lately I haven't. No wait. I still enjoy being impulsive but I don't seem to be being all that impulsive recently. I'm just tired. But schools out. A blessing and a curse. Blessing because I can sleep in and stay up late and game and stuff. Curse because I don't get to see her. That's right more stupid hints, or rather references to the girl I like. My blog has become scattered with them. And It's my blog so I do what I want.

Not much else to say. Bought "Devil May Cry 4"

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one." But if there is one thing this world has taught me is that some people don't believe in that anymore or ever did. I've started a visual verbal diary. Unfortunately as the scanner is broken you don't get to see the result of that. Maybe one day. When I get a better scanner. Or rather one that works.

One of the exchange students is moving away this weekend apparently. It's sad. He was awesome. He's the friend who bought me "Devil May Cry 4" on Steam. The awesomeness that is Steam. It's a very useful platform.

I've never been able to say "I slept through that" before. And now I have. I slept through a conversation about how the year tens at my school have become slutty and are all dating seniors. I'm not sure of the inflection on that sentence. Because it could be taken that the years tens have become slutty and that is why they are dating seniors. Or that they have become slutty by dating seniors. Or that the two are completely independent. That they are slutty as a general rule and now they are dating seniors.

I'm a very odd individual. I can't take serious things serious unless I have a vested interest in the situation. And I over think the very small things. And I have also forgotten what I was going to say. I'm brilliant like that. I have again been briefly tempted to just blurt out the girl I like. I'm sure that would satisfy some people. (If they actually read this)

I like my board shorts. This is amazing because I spent most of last summer in pants. I never really was a shorts guy. I only ever wore the sports shorts because otherwise I couldn't play. I need more pairs. I'm going to wear the few I do have into non-existence.

"Gogo sillyhat profile Pictures". It feels good to not take anything seriously. It's been tiring trying to focus about exams and be serious. Sometimes I wish my life was a video game. Not a silly one like the Sims. But something where I'm the hero and I get to save the world. At least then I'd know for sure what I was doing. Not to mention Games these days have awesome mechanics, like Nero's devil bringer from Devil May Cry 4. Or the Nano suit from Crysis. But that's assuming I'd be the hero in those worlds. But that's what my imagination is good for.

Even in games the world is seeming to beat things down. We were playing Urban Terror. A pretty cool game. But some asshole decides to ramp up the wave re spawn times for our team. So his can just spawn kill us to death. It pisses me off, I expect some dicking around. I mean on the internet you have to and LAN's not that much different. But seriously. That level of play?

I'm just tired and pissed off. I'm downloading a puzzle game. That might do me good. Stop me from just pissing around trying to do combos on Devil May Cry 4. It might actually excersise my brain. But I want to play with somebody else and Micheal has been distracted by his new Game. The Killing Floor. It's about zombies. Fun Fun.

I suppose that's enough for tonight.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!

Whooa Mona Lisa, I'd pay to see you frown.

Except I probably wouldn't. I'd like things to stay the same and If they don't they have to go my way. It's selfish and I can't expect the world to conform with my view but it's mine. And I find I have to hold onto what's mine, even if it means ignoring reality.

Saunders is taking Rachel to the ball. Not as a date but out of usefulness. That's a pretty crass way of saying it and I had another way to say it but I forgot so I'm liable to remember and then suddenly type it out in the middle of a sentence. Anyway. He was afraid of the way I was going to react. But two things. First of all, I have no claim whatsoever to her except of being a friend. I'm really not entitled to an opinion on the let alone to make it known. Besides I'm completely fine with it. I have no qualms about it. There's no bad blood and she's perfectly entitled to go where she please with whom she pleases. That sounds slightly dismissive. It's just not my night for phraseology is it?

I'm not going to the ball. At Rachel's I was the fish out of water to put it mildly. I'm going to Micheal's for the night. Don't care what mum says. I'm going. Although he did say something about crashing something but I don't remember. Nor do I really care. I'll be fine. We did shit all the last time I went to his house but I still had fun.

I recently bought something on Steam. The online games platform. Well I say bought. In reality I actually gave some money to a friend and then he bought it with his credit card and gifted it to me. Steam is actually a really useful thing. It's like Xbox live for the computer. Well maybe not quite. But still. It's more useful than Uplay. Which is only good for Ubisoft games. Which you can get on steam. So, I dunno where I was going with this.

The champion rotation on League right now is almost perfect for me. Almost. There's a few I'd swap out but that rotation would probably be OP.

This week should be fun. School's almost out. Moving is almost done. I hope this turns out well. All things point to it.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!