Faith is the hardest thing to display.

Because I look for the immediate, the cause and effect, the then and the the only a little later. I've always said I was religious, but just belonging to a religious community doesn't make me religious does it? I have considered renouncing my faith several times, the same way I have considered baptism several times. But do you know what has stopped me both times? The feeling of being alone. I've lost my school friends to the big wide world, all I've got left are a few that I kept contact with and the people from my religion. If I give up the religion where are my friends? I don't make new ones that easily. I'm a heavy introvert. So each time I wanted to renounce my faith because I didn't know if God existed I was told by myself, "where would you go? with who?" And every time I considered baptism I reminded myself of the times where I doubted and told myself that I can't commit, not yet I need to know more. But that's the problem with faith, it's a bout believing in something that cannot be proved, at least not in the literal sense. There are many proofs but I just, I don't know how often he acts for me, and why he does it, I neither see nor comprehend so I tend to factor it out. And it's a bad habit for someone who is supposed to believe in God.

But sometimes I wish it was a little more immediate, at least then I would be able to have a more concrete faith. Maybe if I understood how the intervention took place then I would more willing believe. But for now I'm stuck in the awkward space of wanting to believe, but not for all the right reasons, and failing to believe and not knowing what to do with myself outside of this particular path.

I need help but I'm to afraid to ask for it in case I would be looked down upon. I feel that others, because they never openly display it have very little problems with faith. That's probably not true but I can't help but feel that way. I've asked for help once and I had one person be genuinely helpful and the rest just threw things that I had heard before back at me. I think what I need most is someone else who feels this way so I could work it out with them. But I would never openly admit it. So I'm stuck in limbo. Limbo Sucks.

Why..?

Why is it now? Why would you come back to haunt me now?

I share a house...

with three people my ages who are all the same religion and I have known for a very long time. And yet I feel more alone than ever. I asked myself last night when I was in bed, why do you feel alone? Perhaps it's because I never seem to interact with them, I just see them in the morning and then at dinner time. I don't know anybody at my courses. I have developed sevre... sivir... very bad social anxiety issues. I honestly feel that I will move back after this semester is done. I like the student lifestyle but I don't think that I will be able to last here. I wanted this to work, very much so. But I just feel alone. I been having panic attacks. Not as bad as my mums or anything that would get me some kind of medication but I don't know how else to subscribe it. I will be fine when I have things to do but whenever I get even a small amount of downtime I just start to panic about money, about uni, about how lonely I am, about how I look.

As always I don't expect pity, I don't expect any action. It's enough to know that someone knows.

So Cold.