I changed the display name.

It's now HazardOS. It actually is the result of the first original joke I've come up with in a long time. The joke was, "What's the most dangerous kind of operating system? HazardOS. Play on words right there. Bam, I use English techniques.

Now what else should I talk about? Exams. Exams are going fine except for calc which was a total bomb, but don't tell my family that or my mum will be very angry with me. I. Have two exams left. They are drama and physics. I feel confident about two papers out of the four. And that is enough.

Games! Games are great. I play them to much probably, but they are so addicting. I should get addicted to cooking instead. Mum would like that I think. I would like that as well sometimes.

Rachel started a conversation. It was nice. Like a comfortable sweater that got lost in the drawer.

Life is good. I had a mild panic attack. Twice. It was mild, just me overreacting and trying to do something about it, which I of course can't. I'm fine now. I tried to something physically and all the energy just snapped back on me. It happens sometimes.

I am happy so long as I have friends around me who care about me. That's my happiness. People around me. And surviving and stuff but that's a given.

Yeah that's me for the minute. I don't have anything to bitch about.

As promised.

This time on Jordan can be a whining bitch sometimes. Purpose.

I have considered purpose and I have now reached an understanding that is acceptable to me. Purpose is complicated. There will never be just one purpose in your life. But I define things as necesary purposes, plain purposes, and grand purposes. Each represent a different part of life.

A necesary purpose is something inevitable. An education, further education, a job these are all necesary purposes. A necesary purpose can be defined as something that will happen. You will get an education, you will get more education, you will get a job. These necesary purposes exist inside the society that we live in and would exist outside of it. If we were still cavemen then it would be hunting and gathering.

A plain purpose is mundane like washing the dishes or folding clothes. It has an immediate goal and a tangible reward. However it's nature is that it will not last very long. Compared to the other kinds of purpose which. Can take up vast tracks if your life.

A grand purpose defines you. It is what you decide to do with your life. Some people choose to glorify God. I know several people that have this firmly set as their grand purpose. And there is nothing wrong with it. Others choose to create a vast fortune, for various reasons, children or greed. And then there's the romantic among us who just want to find someone who will love them as much as they love that person.

A grand purpose can change without it being accomplished. As can a plain purpose. I could be converted to a religion halfway trhough making cereal. Both my plain and grand purposes change but mg necesary purpose will remain the same until it or a similar purpose is accomplished.

But above all. A purpose is personal. It can only be decided by you. Influenced by others yes. Decided by others no. And there is one more type of purpose I forgot to mention. Instinctive purpose. Or survival. Every purpose we undertake serves our survival in one way or another. If you think about it long enough. Everything will come down to surviving, or enabling that survival. Except for maybe suicidal urges. Which I will expand on later if I ever expand this into a proper article.

Something I should have realized a while ago.

Happiness can't be attained like a possession. It has to be constantly sought after, constantly earned. It's like a drink. It is there but once it has been consumed you have to find another. I should have figured that our a while back, guess I was, distracted.

Dammit.

Bare with me. This ones complicated. Full of feelings things and stuff like that. Well, a while back there was a drama sleepover. And by a while back I mean yesterday. I'm off to a flying start but anyway. So we got there and we played werewolves(awesome game) and watched Superbad(average movie) and a lot of us fell asleep listening to the movie. Except for Micheal, Kassie, Ki-taurangi and I. We were talking about the nature of consumerism and ethics when it comes to the distribution of revolutionary technology, built in redundancy. And no offence Ki but I never thought that I would ever be having that conversation when you were part of the group. Then Micheal and Ki both went to bed and Kassie was sharing my pillow because she didn't have one. And for about half and hour we both lay there trying to sleep. Then I told her the best bedtime story ever. It had cats and turtles and wishes it was a brilliant story. And then we started talking about heavy stuff like purpose in life, that kind of stuff. Then we were making out.

I don't remember which one of us actually made the move but I did enjoy the kissing. But of course me being me I couldn't just take something for it's face value. I talked to her about how we couldn't get into a relationship because she was going to Auckland and I was staying here. I thought it was the right thing to do but I may have then erased that and sent the wrong message by then spooning her for the rest of the night. I don't think it's fair on either of us to pursue a relationship.

Oh yeah, I may repeat myself because sometimes when I'm stressed my thought process does that. My biggest problem at the moment is I have no idea where we stand. I never seem to talk to Rachel any more although I do admit that the circumstances are markedly different. But I don't want the end result to be the same. I don't want to lose my friends any more than distance will make me lose them. That didn't really make any sense but I hope you get the idea.

I need to throw myself into something but I don't play league without friends and quite honestly game just don't seem as appealing as they did before this. And games you have to have a wind down period before you can sleep. I have never met a person who could go straight from games to sleep without some form of losing conciousness going on there. And that wind down period will let me go all sorts of places inside my head. Places I may not necessarily want to be. Dammit Micheal why Australia? I can't walk there. I'm not getting any sleep tonight.

Next time on Jordan is a whining bitch. Hefty discussion of purpose.