An inability.

Restraint isn't something that I excel in. I know it and I'm fairly sure most of my friends do. In fact that's where one of my habits comes from. I will announce that I'm not going to say something, blatantly setting myself up to pray on their curiosity, so that I get to say it anyway. Ingenious for someone like me who just can't help myself.

It's not as bad as other people or as destructive. I just have a loose connection between my mouth and my brain. Or rather a connection that is far to efficient. It translates thoughts to speech far to quickly. It's hard for me to contain impulses as well. Like I keep squeezing the arm of my friends puffer jacket. Nothing harmful, but she doesnt like it so I need to stop. And every time I see her I can't help but think about what I'm not allowed to do. I am not allowed to squeeze her arm. And it gets stuck in my head, I can't get it out no matter how hard I try. I can't help but show more affection to my friends than I need to. It's annoying for my friends, as far as I can tell, and it is confusing my own feelings about people. What used to be normal is now painfully over the top when I look back at it.

I just can't help it. It's like a virus written into my brain. I can't control it, I can't get rid of it. I'm a slave to my own ridiculous impulses. And I never wanted this. I don't want to place my friends in that sort of situation. I don't want to place myself in that sort of situation.

"Go Out"

When you look at it purely literally it's not much. Go out, go to somewhere that is not here. Out of this place. But it carries connotations. It means allow me to take you to somewhere that is a little more classy than our current surroundings, let me show you a good time and then there's the one that gets me confused. Do you want to enter  relationship with me, without actually marking the occasion with anything. No actual going anywhere. 'Cept perhaps back to where you normally are, except with either a silly smile or a cocky swagger. I know exactly how the term slowly evolved to mean what it did. The act of going out ussually signaled a start in a relationship so then eventually they began to skip the actual going somewhere but kept the name. I can understand and see all that. What I don't get is why. There are many perfectly good explanations as to why this happened and you probably have one. In fact if I look hard enough I probably have one but that defeats the purpose of this doesn't it. A whole exposition into why this has happened. Mental exercise to promote thinking and whatnot.  But now that I think about it one key feature of this process springs to mind. Well actually two. The first is convenience. It's a hell of a lot easier to just get in a relationship and not worry about organizing anything fancy to mark the occasion. It allows both people to carry on with their lives quicker and more efficiently. The second is the age. The most people that use "Go Out" as a term for relationship are actually quite young. And it seems to get younger as I get older. Maybe that's just perspective as I age and mature. And being quite young there aren't many places they can go or things they can do. So hence despite never actually going anywhere the couple(no loosely phrased or anything here, if they want to consider themselves a couple then that's there deal not mine) are still going out. Maybe behind the bike sheds for a grope or something. That was incredibly crass and I do apologize but I think that it's a more accurate representation of my thought process if I don't get rid of anything I wrote. So for all intents and purposes(except spelling wise) the backspace key does not exist on this keyboard. And if I offend anyone you'll most likely get a mention in the next post. If I actually find out I offended you. Which will be hard unless you tell me. I can be very dense at times.

I sit here and stare at my computer screen.

I should be doing homework. I want to succeed at this. But I'm just to tired. I'm worried I'm not trusted. Or that there is nothing to trust me with.

I've resorted to something I haven't had to in a long time. Funny cat pictures. It's CAT-astrophic. Oh that felt bad. I should probably delete that. But seriously I have had to look at some funny pictures to keep me awake and somewhat happy.

This homework was really interesting. It was interesting to learn about the greatest science fiction writer ever (In my opinion) But that's just my opinion, you don't have to agree. Or care. H.G Wells if you care to know.

I'd like to know if this is a personality disorder. The inability to let go of anything in your past. I'd like to think that if it isn't it would be totally unique and I'd get a disorder named after me. But that's not going to happen. It's just me having one of those clingy moments. It'll pass don't worry. It'll come again latter and then you can be worried again if you want. But for now don't worry about me. No plans but I'm happy enough.

A haiku because I was bored.

The dark will fade soon,
So forward unto the dawn,
My night has to end.

It has many ways to be interpreted because I was deliberately vague. I know what it means to me. What it means to you is your business.

I wanted to write

I wanted to write something about the state of my mind, something about the conflicting feelings and hopes that keep waging war inside my head. I wanted to write about how I'm staying strong in the face of sickness and sadness. I wanted to write something about how I can't shake the feeling that somethings creeping up on me. I wanted to write something about how I can't get rid of my feelings.

So I did.

I had a breakdown today.

I was playing soccer which in hindsight wasn't my best decision what with my lack of sleep and cold. I was probably asking for trouble. But anyway I was playing soccer and I was on front post, not something that's normal for me. But I moved out to stop the ball and then it just slipped straight past me into the goal. If I'd stayed still then it wouldn't have gone in but I didn't react with that usually soccer players head down thing. I kicked the goal and started shouting obscenities at the sky. I was so mad at myself in the one instant it felt like my hate would just crush me. I just wanted to punch somebody, I wanted to fight, I wanted blood as it were. I knew that it was a bad idea for me to keep playing so I subbed myself off. I stalked off furious with them, me, the situation, the world. And then I found a stream at one end of the field and I sat down and I cried. It emptied me. Like I felt nothing at all after I'd finished crying. I went back to the changing rooms shrugging off concerned hands, I got changed and I got on the bus. Uncomfortably numb with my surroundings. I didn't notice someone had sat next to me until I tried to get more comfortable. My aunt gave me an apple cider which I drank about half of. I've decided I need to be eating if I get given alcohol, otherwise the bitter taste just sits in my stomach, which is the reason I never drank in the first place. And here's where I got really uncomfortable in the aftermath.

I got the three points for player of the day. Now normally I am very critical of myself, I know this. But I got mad and stalked off and they gave me those points anyway. Either I was fantastic or it was a pity thing. I'm inclined to go for the pity vote. I didn't want those points, I didn't deserve them. But I got them anyway. They should have gone to anyone else, just not me.

I should probably start sleeping on a regular timetable and taking Panadol when my head isn't all right.  But then when have I ever done what's good for me. I've thrown away a lot of whats good for me.

A butterfly mind.

I figure that its an apt enough description of my mind. A mind that flits from subject to subject extracting a little information then moving on. It's a poetic description which forces a semblance of order onto my mind which is usually so unruly.

I wanted to continue some kind of imagery. But anything I came up with sounded pretentious. So it stays as is it seems. I've got a wisdom tooth at least I think so. Just one of them. Usually they come in pairs. It's annoying but bearable.

Pandora is available in NZ now. It's internet radio and the choices and ratings you give songs slowly start to build up the Database's view of you. Allowing it to more intelligently predict what music you might like. In other wise it's very nice for people like me who know definitively if they like a song or don't by one listen. I can ban that song from my station and then if I feel the need I can bring it back. Magic as it were.

Ever had a token item? That one thing that makes you feel better, seem like you perform better or just... I don't know you just feel like the world will end if you don't know exactly where it is and that its safe. I've got three. And they all represent something. I know it seems cheesy but to a mind like mine it seems so logical. I can be irrational at times. One is a band of beads that a friend brought me, represents my friends and how they will always be behind me. The next is a watch, my grandparents got it for me and it's probably the watch I've kept track of for the longest time. The analog hand is broken and the alarm goes off midnight each  night and I can't stop it. But I love it to bits. The last... is incredibly cheesy but I can't help that. I do feel self conscious every time I talk about it but I think it's understandable.  It's a green jelly bracelet that Rachel gave me. It means nothing to most people. But that green band means a lot to me. Perseverance, love, loss, desire. But mostly it means that there are good things, good people in the world and even if you aren't intimately involved with them that doesn't stop you being a part of it. Just because you made a mistake that doesn't mean that it's over. It's just different, and things change all the time, whether we want it or not.

What is love? My parents tell me I don't know what love is. I think I knew what it was. Which got me thinking as is what normally happens when I think of something like this. Is love an ideal, a state of mind, a physical feeling. Why can't I know what love is? I think love is something that gets added to, changed, evolves. You have what you know and as time goes on, as you love and you lose and then find love in a different way your version of love changes. It becomes better or worse, it becomes more finite or less clear. It will never be the same as anyone else's. Just the same as no two people will ever be alike. So if someone tells you that you don't know what love is then I don't think they're right, you just don't know love in the same way they do.

The walking man.

I feel gripped by a sense of wanderlust. I just want to go somewhere, I want to be in other places and experience new things. But at the same time, I'm afraid of meeting new people. How does that work? Just another example of my head being busted. I say I hate something then I do something that's almost the same as it.

I walk everywhere. I have my bike now but I still seem to walk everywhere. Why walk? Why not? It requires nothing save a destination. And maybe clothes. Indecent exposure is not something I want to be prosecuted for.

Think I've had lyrics from this song before. But it's called "Break apart her heart" by Good Charlotte. Just from the title I think, "Can't. Won't. Moving on." But some of what it says makes a certain amount of good sense. Not all of it obviously. I won't be a jackass who is aloof and all the rest of that stuff. But Romanticism and prattle does little for a relationship unless the other person is into that. And the only real way to test that is to flat out ask or test it. Actually no. A little might be nice but I think that it would get tiresome after a time.

Tell me if I'm wrong or I'm right either way. I'd like to know.

I'm more than a little bit confused right now. More to just an overload of information rather than any problems.

I don't even know.

I can't sleep because I want you.
But maybe I want you because I think it will help me sleep.
Maybe I think that it will help me succeed, to settle down at school to be happier and more successful.
But maybe I want you because I want you.

One day.

One day I want a place that is mine. A place full of tall trees that I can climb and see the world. A place by the ocean, a place with waves so the sound will sing me to sleep. A place that's secluded so I can be alone with my thoughts. A place that my friends can visit and stay for a while. That place will keep me safe from the world, and keep the world safe from me, and perhaps keep me safe from myself. One day I will live here, here on this shore where trees grow tall and the world seems so distant but close enough to touch.

I don't know if I want to get married yet, or even live with somebody. I understand that generally thats a big step in relationships. But I'd come to rely on them to much. It always happens when I go into any relationship and living with them would simply compound it. I want that kind of relationship. I'm just not sure how to work it.

But I'm a long way from that just yet. Why am I worrying? Because I do.

Just some thoughts I thought that I'd share.

War can be a paradox. The soldiers are taught to hate their enemy so that they will be ruthless, to do anything to win yet they then help those people rebuild. After looking at them for so long with scowls on their faces and down the barrel of a gun they are then expected to smile and help them fix what they worked so hard to destroy. It just doesn't make much sense to me. But then this is the human mind we are talking about.  Maybe that's why modern military campaigns have proved so unsuccessful. Because the soldiers of today are bogged down with so much rules regulations and responsibilities to assist after the fight. They can't do what it is that needs to be done because they weren't prepared like older soldiers. Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the soldiers are losing because the enemy is far to fluid. It's not a particular cause, it's an ideal. An ideal of independence. You'd resent it if someone came and told you what to wear and do every moment of your life. Why should these countries be any different? The fact that they are a country doesn't make the ideals involved any different. Simply a matter of scale and perspective. Perspective is somewhat magical, it changes the world to be better or worse depending on a single choice. So again I'm back at choices. So much of life revolves around the decision to go on rather than let it go. It seems an aggressive course as well. "I will succeed, I will keep living no matter what terrible things happen to me." Sometimes you only feel guilty if the crime is discovered. Some crimes are like that. Other crimes they eat away at you. And sometimes things eat away at us that people don't even realize. Like a throw a way comment not meant for anybody to take into full and meaningful consideration but it trips something inside you and then it begins it's awful course. Twisted away from it's purpose.