Yes, I am still pissed off with you.

Quite frankly your arguments as to why you struck a low blow are pathetic. The argument may have been petty but that does not give you or indeed anyone the right to hit out like that. In these future matters I would like you to kindly take your opinion and shove it somewhere safe unless I ask for it. I will play this game how I want to. The world does not need to know that you disapprove of Atmogs or Doran Stacking and nor does it care.
Thank you for pretty much ruining my evening.

Right lashing out to preserve self esteem done. I feel better for having said it but I doubt it will be appreciated. I didn't say anything at the time because well I didn't want to let down Te and Tommy by having an argument in the middle of the game. I could make a lot of implications here that certainly aren't true but what would that actually accomplish. Nothing much. Neither does this blog. But then It makes me feel better when I write it so I guess it helps.

I'm getting grumpy. Lack of sleep blah blah blah, dreams blah blah blah, keep waking up blah blah blah. This isn't anything you haven't heard before so I'm just going to skip it. If I think of a more interesting way to say it then I may repeat myself. But otherwise I think it's something I can skip.

Does fitness equal wellness. I would say that fitness equal's fulfillment under certain conditions. For instance you must engage in physical activity at least once a week. Otherwise the fitness just becomes tedious, unless you pride yourself upon your physical condition. So in the end the conclusion that I am forced to arrive at is that it depends on the way you consider fitness.

I don't tend to think a lot these days. I just seem to do. Grr Anna your missing the first three episodes of season four. Now I don't get to find out how Dean gets out of hell. Oh well. I'm sure I'll get over it or get them somehow. I generally do. I signed up to be the School Productions secretary. It seems like something I can get into, improve my organisational skills and touch typing skills. Plus it doesn't interfere with actually acting in the play which is a plus. The play's Peter Pan and I personally would like to be Captain Hook. I've always wanted to play a villain. So luck for me please.

Hunger Games. Book series that Tania won't stop talking about it so I suppose I should give it a look in.

This seems like plenty.

I feel like beating the crap out of someone.

And I hate it. I was never violent before. Hell I've never even been in a proper fight. Actually that is a lie, I have been in a proper fight and it's nothing like the movies. It consisted of the other guy trying to stop my arms from getting the leverage to swing. Which decidedly didn't end well for him. Turns out I was a heavy child. But I ,as nearly always, digress. I hate going through my days thinking of ways to provoke people into hitting me, just so I can hit them back. So I distance myself, to try and preserve friendships and not hurt people with the things I say.

I had alcohol last night. Turns out the punch (PUNCH HAHA. As in fighting, I'm so stupid) had rum in it, a reasonable amount of rum. I of course didn't find out until after the party. (Yeah I went to a person I know's mum's fiftieth. Consider yourself filled in) Still I only had two or three glasses of the stuff which didn't have any noticeable difference to my cognitive ability. I didn't notice anything and I could still remember everything I did. So twenty dollars still up for grabs. But I did dance.

Now I'm sure all of you know of my small foible of not wanting to dance in public. But at this party, I knew most of the people there, It was music that you couldn't help but dance to, there were very pretty girls there, and my ginger friend was drunk, and drunk people dancing. Very funny. Plus I got to show off my Cossack dancing, which is a skill that isn't able to be utilized very often.

Now the chief difference between this and any of the balls I've been to (Or could have been to, which would be more accurate) is that the amount of people was a lot smaller, the music was good, and what are you supposed to do when a drunk ginger tells you to dance. That's not to say that those balls didn't have pretty girls or good music. But the good music would have been few and far between and all the pretty girls... well lets just say I wasn't looking at the time.

I feel as if I'm over explaining this. But fuck it, I shall explain it because I hate it when people take the wrong idea from what I say.

Pretty girls. Why do most of the pretty girls have to be ditz'? Notice I said most. This is to avoid putting my foot in my mouth. Which I have to practice more. Ditz' or sluts or consider themselves so far above me. So in most cases all the pretty girls can't measure to you, or refuse to be. I think that song lyric was poorly used. And I agree with myself. All in all poorly conceived and executed. But it stays because I like that song.

I get lonely easily.

When I say lonely I mean for my friends. I have to live with my family so I take the time spent with them for granted. But I love spending time with my friends. That's what I mean by I get lonely easily. And to an extent I miss my worlds a lot as well. I get lonely for their company as well. Which explains my penchant for daydreaming.

I feel like writing my Phase story again. Seeing as it was based on me and now I have more chapters to add. But unless you want to read it you don't have to. So it won't be posted. I know Micheal will want to read it so a copy goes to him, but otherwise well it seems the best idea to just let the story stay with me. I remember writing two and a half phases but the half phase doesn't go where I want it to now. I assume it did back then but now it doesn't. So it died. That Phase was called rebound and it seems oddly applicable. That is to say, it fits what I now want to write.

The story was supposed to get more fictional in and after the third phase but that plan kinda went south, maybe fourth or fifth phase I'll start getting economical with the truth. Or maybe I won't the stuff that's happened inside my head during these times seems interesting enough to me at the moment. I have no idea about anybody else's opinion but out of all I've ever written this was always supposed to be the most self serving.

I suppose it serves others in a round about way. It shows people my view of whatever has happened. Albeit a romanticized view. And now must needs be an apology. In my fervor to serve myself inside this story I have forgotten someone. And this will be rectified.

I should put a shirt on. Better yet I should go to be and sleep. But I've been having trouble staying asleep. Getting to sleep is easy. You close you eyes, slow your breathing and shut down your thoughts. You can't force it. It has to just drop off. Which is why they recommend reading before bed. Because it's easy to let go of a story than it is your own life. But you also have to be careful what you read. For if it bares to much of a resemblance to your life then you can't help but draw comparisons, hence linking your life and experiences to the book, hence making you thinking about your life making it harder for you to just let it go.

"The end is all I can see and it scares the hell out of me."
Except for me this becomes, "I can't see anything and it scares the hell out of me."

Some Nights.

Probably the thing I'm looking forward to in the immediate future. It's the new album from Fun.. And that's not a typo they really are called "Fun.". Dot and all. It's a step from their last album "Aim and Ignite" certainly. But that doesn't stop it from being awesome. But as my experiments have shown Fun. is certainly an acquired taste.  They are taking a step towards the mainstream with this music but it still retains that classic odd Fun. kind of music that I, to be utterly over romantic, fell in love with. In my opinion in some places they were to heavy with the autotune and I have a friend who will probably back me up on this. (See Saunders)

The band was really nice and have made the album free to preview on Soundcloud. Now when  I say preview I mean that all the songs can be listened to for free for a limited time. If you're actually interested here's the link.
http://soundcloud.com/fueled_by_ramen/sets/fun-some-nights

Quite honestly, I'm not sure if anyone will actually follow that link. Well anybody who hasn't already been there.

I have come to a few conclusions about my present state of mind. Three of the four are fluid but the last one isn't. I'm always slightly abashed about myself. I'm always acutely aware of a few of my faults, aware of some more, and ignorant of others.

Sometimes I'm lonely, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I'm tired and sometimes I just want to run. Sometimes I feel like I can write a book in a day and sometimes I feel like I will never write again.

Today I'm lonely.

Today I'm tired.

Today I'm uninspired.

I'm... well me.

Bring on the run at five thirty in the morning.

Most days I get really pissed off

But I don't let it show. It's easier just to act like nothing is wrong. The same way it's easier for me to pretend that I'm tired rather than sad. I don't change the world around me by showing how I feel. The world just doesn't work like that, the world doesn't react to me getting angry with it. So despite the fact that I can get furious with people and things that happen, I just let it go. It's become to hard to try and change the world and I'm only 17.

Some days I get like this. Where something has triggered these bouts of melancholy. Today it was the two games Company of Myself and One and One Story

They're flash games but don't hold that against it. Company of Myself is one of the more interesting flash games. Basically you duplicate yourself and your duplicates do what ever the player controlled person did the last time.  You solve puzzles. But the story line is about a man who has been on his own for a very long time and he starts to perceive himself as a loner. And he talks about a girl called Kathryn. You later have some sort of flashback where instead of duplicating yourself you control her. But you find out she died and he had a mental break down and was incredibly guilty. The game ends with a report from a psychologist who has been tasked with psychoanalyzing "Jack." He references some of the games core functions like the green boxes you use to exit a level are actually the box that Jack used as a coffin for Kathryn. You don't know if Jack really did murder Kathryn and you never find out. But what gets me is his loneliness. He is visited by a psychologist for eight years once a week (I think) and he never remembers anything, he's so hung up on the death which happened a long time ago. Sometimes I link myself with this man when I'm feeling particularly retched about myself. Which doesn't happen very often. But I do get lonely very easily.

The second game, One and One story, is about a boy and a girl who you have to guide towards each other to complete the level. Sounds simple but the game mechanics change as the story progresses. The mechanics are based around at it's core the phrase that comes up on screen. For instance, the text says, "When she saw me she ran to me," This means that instead of controlling the girl she automatically runs towards the boy whenever she sees him. There's about five or six mechanics used and it's actually a short and easy puzzle solver to kill some time. I felt a tiny bit jealous of the boy. That in and of itself is more than a little pathetic. Still I can't help it for now. Not much I could do anyway, except maybe stop playing depressing flash games.

Ahh still, maybe I should have done the Calc homework before I got on the computer. But Linguistics is far more interesting. Interesting words, odd words, it's something that I love because I do it unconsciously. For me being eloquent and loquacious is a way of life not something you turn on for a speech. And I still can't spell unconsciously without a spellchecker. I'm odd. I was going to say full of surprises but not to the people that know me. To them all my tricks are old hat. But sometimes you like it that way. I'm sometimes the funny one but I know that my awkwardness around new people kinda holds me back.

That's enough for tonight. Or maybe not. I can't tell anymore.

Visceral. Far more.

I've been watching the Pacific. It's considered to be for some the companion to Band of Brothers. Seeing as they both chronicle different parts of the second world war. And it's far more visceral than Band of Brothers. You see people clean blown up. Shot off legs, people mown down by machine guns. I didn't tell anyone but I had a nightmare about it last night. It was weirder than the reality, for instance my leg grew back... but that's beside the point. It was still terrifying enough to warrant being called a nightmare. After watching Band of Brothers I thought I knew something about the second world war, and I did learn some things. But those things kind of pale in comparison. At it's heart Band of Brothers was still a very much television series. Whereas it seemed that the pacific was a lot more focused on what it did to the marines that fought there. Both physically and mentally. So less  television series more a periodically released documentary. I'm sure that both series wanted that but in some areas it worked better than the other.

But as much as I like both of these two miniseries I can't just devote and entire blog post to it. It seems both to short and fairly lazy on my part. So some points.

First. I may buy a printer in the near future. It's easier to edit work that's on paper, or at least that's my feel about it. Also it's easier to imagine a character if you give them a face. Like the most real of my characters is still a girl based on a sketch I saw once. The sketch somehow managed to convey the girl almost completely, her fears of inadequacy, her attempts to fit into society and her actual want to be who she was. I've lost the sketch and I can't find it again, and any attempts by me to replicate would just corrupt the memory I have. So it stays as it is, a memory and a character. I feel obliged to say that it wasn't a abstract sketch or something. It was a just a sketch of her looking in a mirror. It was far better than anything I could ever do but it wasn't the best artistic thing I've ever seen.

Second. I'm over Tania. It's unrealistic to pursue a relationship with her. In hindsight I should have realized this earlier but I always was a little clingy. It reminds me of something that Micheal said to me once, I can't remember it exactly but it went along the lines of not wanting to move on because perfection in some facet is better than something less in every facet. Obviously I've paraphrased that. However as far as I can tell he's changed his standpoint on this and I still cling to it a little. If you find what you consider to be perfection and something happens then you should stay as involved with them as you can. I'm not suggesting you brood for a very long time and hang around them while brooding, I can tell you from experience that there is no way in hell or high water that it will ever be a good idea. Never, unless for some reason the person is attracted to the stalker type, then by all means, go for it. But there are plenty more fish in the sea (just to beat a dead horse). Although you think they may be the only larger than life rainbow fish with all the right moves in all the right places, you never really know.

Third. Well there is no third.

Have fun, Stay safe both from the sun and sexual predators, and probably the most important... Have fun. (Again)

I'd say it's rather tragic

... when I begin to prefer the world of a game to that of my real life. Sad but true and I have done it a few times. But it's not something I didn't like. In all honesty it's something I enjoyed. To lose yourself in a world where you most definitely matter, where the wrong decision can cost you your life and if you make the wrong move then the world as you know it ends. I enjoy feeling that I matter.

That's why so many of my character traits are based on me. Because I think that if I can be important in some facet of something then I will feel better for it. I also tend to write out my flaws. I know I'm not perfect but when we draw ourselves we hardly ever include imperfections. Not that all of us can draw well but you don't purposefully include things that are wrong. And I never do that when creating a picture of somebody through words either. I tend to make them perfect rather than flawed. Well at least for most of it. The Organic AI characters are inherently flawed so I have to write that in. But I imagine the rest of them will be perfect. Just because it's me writing. But their computer programs so that's acceptable.

I'm trying to find a cover photo for my stupid facebook timeline. I wanted something that said something about me. Something that described my character. But in the end I went for Splinter Cell Conviction. Because that says everything about me. Yeah right. It's a great game, I really loved it. But I don't think it says anything about me.

I'm a little sad at the moment. For reasons I can't pin down. But that's not really important. I'll be a little quieter in class, I'll sink into myself some more, then I'll come back, because I've done this a million times. Oh habits, you are so comfortable, but I wish I could snap your neck.