It's thinking, for better or for worse

"You know enough for it to hurt." Six simple words about something I've been considering a lot these days. It comes from a book called Skulduggery Pleasant, The Deathbringer. Somebody called Fletcher Renn is trying to talk to somebody about his break up but he says something along the lines of you probably think I'm to young to know anything about that. And that's what people have told me. Many people who are around forty have told me and people around me that you're to young to know anything about love. I disagree. I agree wholeheartedly with the quote I started this with. People our age know enough for us to be hurt. Sure we might not go into the deep meaningful marriage type relationships but it still hurts like hell when we come out of a relationship.

Although a small fact about me. I have never been the dumper. Always the Dumpee. This pretty much tells me I cling. Something I knew already and was okay with. But that did raise a question for me. How long do you stay?

For instance, "How long do I like Tania after she has rejected me before moving on?" I asked myself that question and I have to say I don't have an answer. I still like her as a person and I enjoy her company but I'm fooling myself if I believe that she will be anything more than a friend. But I still haven't answered the questions. Do I still like her? Should I still like her? It's effort with no return at all but it's comfortable.

As comfortable as liking someone who will never say yes can be. I don't want to move on because there's nowhere for me to move to. And Micheal I'm sorry for what I said during the Tamara debacle. Now I know how you felt.

That's not rule it out. But for now I am indeed comfortable to just sit in the shadows with nothing but time and my own imagination.

So in all Honesty I'm still in the grey. I don't know if I still like her. And now I face something that is not what I expected to see. Not liking anyone. I've looked at other people and understood their reasons for not liking people but I never really accepted it. It felt like they were lying to themselves and I thought it would be impolite to try and persuade them. Emphasis on the I thought. It bares thinking about the old proverb that I don't know where it came from. "Before you judge a man walk a mile in his shoes." And I am not being sexist. I am just quoting. I'm guilty of that. I judge people on my own opinions and expect them to hold to it. I never really considered there point of view. Hence the non-acceptance of not looking for a relationship.

I'm not sure whether I clarified my thoughts. I'm not sure If I made what I wrote entirely clear. But I have not the patience or effort to go through and evaluate the logic behind each sentence. So it stands as it is.

Free fall.

I've been in free fall for moments before. Just that one instant where everything falls away and you're floating in the space. Maybe it's just me but free fall isn't what everyone's afraid of. It's the stop at the end. Or maybe it's powerlessness they feel as they drop through space, unable to change anything about their predicament. I'm not talking about skydiving or anything. Just like... well when you fall out of a tree or trip over on something. I'm not saying that you should do it. Just that I personally find it very relaxing. Of course the pain afterwards is incredibly distracting and well painful, but for those few brief seconds, or maybe even less than a second I feel like I'm flying.

I have a morbid fascination with unpowered flight. It frequents my daydreams and I had some sketches and designs to build my own one. But that didn't "take off" so to speak. The same way my pontoon bridge and rope swing haven't. It's not that they weren't good ideas. Just that either materials or certain key details were missing.  Like I don't know where to hang the rope for the rope swing. And I have no real idea of how to build a glider and no idea what materials to use. And there are no ways for me to have an extended flight around here. And I said had because well, I used them to start a fire. I had nothing on hand but my sketch book and ever practical I decided to use that. By the time I realized what I was burning they were beyond salvaging. It might crop up later, when I have time and the money for materials. But for now I'm happy for it to stay where it is. Kind of dead and still kicking around in the back of my head. A lot of story ideas went there.

Things are still pottering along on the Pandora blade story. Although admittedly I have been distracted by an interesting concept that I have Red vs Blue to thank for. Season 6 with all those AI and Church thinking he's a person rather than an AI got me thinking. What if you had and organic AI? I dunno where I'm going with it but It's kicking around.

But something extra credit said also has me thinking. "There is no market for an Ideas guy." I can't hope to get prosperous or even sufficient on just having ideas. I need to learn to develop them and then turn them into something usable and tangible.

*Groan*

Why do I do this to myself? It's the second night in a row where I have been up past 1. And by my body clock and general fatigue level I think I'm gonna be up for a while. But for now I'm okay with it. I don't feel tired and I know that I'll regret it in the morning but it's really not that bad. You just end up sleeping a little longer, a little heavier, maybe dozing off on occasion. For a teenager it's really not that bad. For an adult I imagine that it would be very damaging inside a career. Especially a consistent time shift related career like serving or something.

I'm really enjoying the mentalist and I'm slowly sorting through the external I got lent. What stuff I want to keep and what stuff I can do with out. I try to be diverse so that when people come I can distract kids and entertain adults when need be, but I still tend to want my own stuff more than anything that would be a useful addition. I say I want to have and do something for other people but it's just as much my own wants as much as anything else. I fool myself into thinking I'm doing someone a service when in fact I'm just doing something for me. Sometimes when I'm being hard on myself I tell myself that I'm not nice because I am. I'm nice because It means people feel obligated to be nice to me, to do stuff for me. I don't know If I'm right or if I'm wrong. And I don't expect an answer. I'm not going to ask a stranger to find this out for me and I can't ask a friend because they always try and steady your self esteem.

That's another thing I'm guilty of as well. Using Friends to boost myself up when I'm feeling down. Or at least I was guilty of it. Now a days I just bury it. It will come back eventually as some hideous monster that defines me for a time and I can change that. But in the same token I can't. I won't stop burying my own inadequacies despite the fact that I have stopped, considered  and ultimately reasoned that this is a bad thing.

I've started watching something called Extra Credit. It's game design advice and commentary made by gamers. Yeah I know that chances are you've already heard of it considering my three person viewership. But it's a good series because it accomplishes something I don't think it even set out to do. It teaches you about yourself. I didn't think it was possible for a commentary about games to actually affect me but the things they discuss are things like basic human psychology, various issues in the community today. It teaches you in a way that I found spectacular, the way that is to teach without actually realizing you're doing it. Or to teach on two levels conscious and subconscious. I don't know if I'm reading to much into this, maybe I am and I'm drawing lessons from nowhere. But even then that's a good thing, isn't it?

There are some things that we don't realize until later. I was a whining bitch who relied upon others to make him feel better. Maybe I still am. But I acknowledge the problem and I'm honestly trying to keep that out of my life. I know that acknowledging a fault does not do anything in and of itself. There is no point telling everyone about the elephant in the room if you're not willing to try and get rid of it. But I'm trying. Maybe not the hardest ever but I am trying, and that's important.

And now one last comment before I go back to watching the first series of The Mentalist. When does it become and issue of trying is no longer enough. We are preached at to try again when we fail. But what if the failing was meant to say to us, "This is not something you should be doing". So when does the focus shift from the child's "Keep trying, that's the important part." Mantra to "You must succeed at all costs." Something that is primarily driven in the adult job orientated consumerism world. And that's something I can't answer. Some kids grow up to fast. Some never grow up. Now I can't really comment because I never planned to grow up and am still physically growing. I try to act past my age and yet I'm immature when I'm at my most comfortable.

This hasn't been pity so much. At least I didn't want it to be. I more wanted somewhere to admit my faults and write down recent ideas. I'm not looking for pity. Maybe once, but not anymore.

Conviction

Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell Conviction to be precise. It is a great game although the thing I was drawn to immediately was the re-use of the cover system from Rainbow Six Vegas. But seeing as they were made by the same company and both needed the function I can see why they simply re-used it. No sense over complicating things. I enjoyed the game play, I spent 5 hours on it my first time and six the next. 11 hours just sneaking around and head shotting things. It's amazingly easy to head shot in that game provided you are using the pistol.  And the storyline was riveting. I've always been a fan of the Splinter Cell series despite what people say about it. And what people say is incredibly limited based on the town I live in. Despite my size and what some would call "Enthusiasm" I am a big fan of stealth. Even if at times you do get frustrated and just try and shoot everything in sight with the nearest assault rifle. Plus the Secondary achievement system was very well thought out. While you play through the game and that's fine you also have challenges to complete. Some of the challenges sound easy like kick down a door when someone is standing behind it. But the opportunity doesn't come up that often. So savor that feeling of throwing a man through a window or kicking a door down and watching the man fall over. and some of the challenges require a fair degree of creativity. I'm only just halfway there and as I said, I've been playing for 11 hours. If I knew what I was doing I could have taken maybe two hours off. Because while the amount of enemy combatants stays the same. They do spawn in random locations each time except for some scripted peeps. But anyway... I had fun. It's not as bad as what people know about the old Splinter Cell Games. Which is "I shot him!" "Mission Failed!". They did get ridiculous I will freely admit. 

But enough of the free publicity to two people. Or my attempt at a game review. Take your pick. 

I had (well still do but shhh) Chris's External and It had some Reliant K on it. I've heard some of the MacKay's and Rachel talking about them so I decided to give it a shot. I think it's okay. I mean I'll probably keep it and listen to it. But I like some of the other stuff in my library more. I give it a solid 7. Or a B+. Or whatever you want to call it. 

Tonight I cooked dinner on the BBQ. It was fun. I like dinner. I like Cooking. I also feel like I have been relegated to some peoples. "Oh that guy" friend. I mean we can get on well enough but nobody makes a solid effort to stay in touch or talk. And I don't do anything because... I'm a bit silly when it comes to this sort of stuff. I suppose it should really depend on the person, the amount of effort I put in. If I actually want to stay an active friend then I suppose I should put in more effort. But... this is me. 

I want to be part of the Ghost Recon Online Beta Group. It may have a mechanic I don't like (Renting. Eww, paying money for something virtual that I don't get to keep) but still After playing Splinter Cell I'm hooked on the third person shooters. Only problem being that they kinda only market well on the 360. Not the PS3 for some weird and unknown reason. 

I can't find somebody to play the Co-op Campaign with... ALL IS LOST, ALL IS LOST!!! Well not quite. I can live without it, although it would be fun to play co-op with somebody. 

That's something. Interplatform co-op. Now this could be very limiting. depending on the changes between Computer software and Console software. And some players may have an advantage depending on the game. But I think it could work. It could be hype point for a new company although the income wouldn't be that great and the end result isn't that useful. It's just another thing that would be nice but nobody wants to shell out for so it stays something nice in people's imagination. 

U play. Like Xbox Live. Only worse. With less achievements and less stuff to do. So nice try Ubisoft. But I suppose I should cut you a break I mean it only just came out of beta. So that's good for a first attempt but you can do better. 

*Sigh* Another one of those "point me in the direction of the nice guys" post on facebook. Some days I really get tired of it. And some days I think. That's your fault for not looking. If someone tells where "they" are you should have the decency to thank and admire their sacrifice, that what they've been through and they choose to just give it to you. Of course if they didn't do anything then that corrupts the idea but who cares. Big things are important. Small things just make the big things better. In some cases. There are outliers to everything. 

I suppose everybody wishes they were like someone else. Mine just happen to mostly be Fantasy Characters, Like Dante and Sam Fisher, the guy from Splinter Cell. But it's not unique. That's one of the reasons we play video games and read books. To immerse ourselves in a place were we are better than ourselves.

I get lewd sometimes. I've realized that. I should work on that. Personal improvement. One of the few things I actually try to do. 

Tucker did it...

Ahh Caboose. You are a very funny person. Red vs Blue, a very re-watchable series. Because for some reason Caboose's jokes never get old. And you never really get bored of laughing at a dumb person. Except when that dump person begins to be dumb in the same old ways.

My father is teaching me how to use the tractor mounted mower tomorrow. Because apparently my brothers university education steps up a notch next year and I have to be ready to step into his shoes. But I'm not because I'm not like him. I'm easily annoyed, easily distracted, and easy (Bow chicka bow wow). Anyway, most of the things that Alex isn't.

But who cares. It's just money. The only thing I ever do with money is well nothing really. Most of it just goes into the bank and the other rest of it just gets me food. I'm not exactly complicated. And I have realized I'm kind of a cheap date. The person asking me out can take me anywhere provided I like them. Hell you could take me to a park and throw a ball back and forth and I'd be happy with that, although that's not much of a date. I don't think it even deserves to be called a date. Yes, I am right, that is not a date. That is two people in a park. Although... no that's not a date either. That's two people in a park doing other stuff, like not parky things. (Is parky even a word, I know perky is but Parky is dubious).

I am going to buy Splinter Cell Conviction. Because I can. And because I finally found a reliable source of identification. MY PASSPORT. It was slightly surprising how hard it was to find that dam thing. 


I'm looking forward to the new Devil May Cry. Mostly because Emo Dante has become Punk Dante. He looked horrible in the reveal trailer but they've listen to the fans and dialed it back a bit. From what I've seen he's become a bit more like Nero. Serious. Rather than the sexually flaunting Dante of Devil May Cry 4. I do like the sexually flaunting Dante. It shows a little of the confidence I wish I had. Obviously it would change me if I was like Dante and maybe that would change the people I'm friends with. You never know. You never do you just have to wing it. I seem to be telling people to wing it a lot these days. 


But if you have a plan and it's working by all means stick to it. But that doesn't mean that I will make a plan and do it. I'll wing it because that's me. And I've never been anybody but me.

Today.

Today. I got out of bed early. I went to the library. I went to Micheal's and met his nephew and niece. Today I did slight variations of the things I always do. And I'm fine with that.

Did it really help.

All this time away thinking about what to say? Well It's given me some things to say so it worked to a degree.

People say Dannevirke is a shithole. Now I'm not denying it. But I love Dannevirke because of one thing. People I love are here. I've made sure to surround myself with the diamonds present in this "shithole". But does that make me a shit or a diamond? And I'm sure that everyone else considers themselves and their friends the diamonds. It's all in the perspective. That and human nature. Nobody is going to think less of themselves and their friends. It's just not something that is done. We are very social creatures humans but we focus on the betterment of ourselves. No I lied. Most people here are ignorant assholes that don't move outside of what they consider normal. And when they get burned they wonder why. Congratulations Micheal. Facebook has successfully defended your argument.

A slight oxymoron. But the two are dependant on each other. For while we focus on the betterment of ourselves it's society on which we measure the supposed "betterment". So if we had no society then there would be no drive with which we force ourselves to better ourselves.

I had a dream that was useful force once but surreal at the same time. The useful part was a very weird but surprisingly good idea for a story. I seem to be swimming in ideas right now. It's about something I call Recursion Theory. Recursion is weird and hard to explain but as far as I can gather it's when a computer program goes through a task to gain access to information to solve a problem. At the end of the tasks it tries to solve the problem and if it can't It goes through the tasks again. I'm sure that my brother will correct me or somebody will when I ask them but that's how I understand it. But anyway Recursion Theory. Baring my flawed understanding of it then the idea goes like this. The universe is a state of a recursion problem. So each time the universe ends a new one is created but it's slightly different. And the character manages to escape the end of each universe and ends up at the same point in the next. The story follows him as he goes through the Recursions meeting himself and his friends and all the ways that they are different. His main objective is to get back to his own Recursion but eventually he tries to bring someone with him. And that's as far as I've got.

The surreal thing is that I lived through part of the story line. And one of the recursions featured a scene that was exactly the same as when Tania said no to going out with me. And as far as I know dreams are not supposed to contain picture perfect memories. It was rather weird and slightly painful. I mean I am completely fine with what happened. But reliving it was not something I care to repeat. Even if it was only a dream.

Well the post is longer than I expected it to be. But I still have more to say. I have to say that I love Red VS Blue. It's a great comedy series and I wish I had a friend like Caboose. I mean Micheal is already like Church, and as far as estimates go I'm like Tucker. With Bad sex jokes. Actually bad jokes in general. Now we just need Caboose, a tank and a badass girl who is better at everything than me Micheal or new caboose friend. Yeah we're not likely to get that. First, Tank. Just no. Second. A dumbass is not as well tempered as Caboose. He'd be a jackass. Third, I'd probably get beaten up by the girl. Which makes sense because that happened in the series. Come to think of it. We should probably leave it at we seem somewhat like these characters.

I don't want this to end. I'm completely at peace with myself and the world writing this. And yet all things must end. Everything. Even the moments in time we never wish to end. The moments we wanted to last forever. I'm sorry for what I did. I know that I should have done it differently looking back at it. But what happened happened. And what happened was meant to happen. And I do not regret one iota of what I did. Because I believe that it was meant to happen. And could not happen any other way. I may feel sorry for the things that I did to others. But regret will not change anything. We put our best foot forward. And hope it doesn't get blown off.

A new year a new you.

First of all I must wish you all a happy new year and I hope that this year is better than the last in every way. 

Second. I was planning to write a post and then post it over new years. However I was in Taupo at the NZCBS (New Zealand Christadelphian Bible School) and the only internet there was Wi-Fi. I managed to steal a page or two on a friends I-Pad but not long enough to write anything. So here is my rather belated New Years Post. 

Happy New Year. 

There was a lot of stuff that I was going to say but I have forgotten it all. So that's just great. I had a lot of stuff I was going to say about what I realized there but it's all deserted me.