What's a boy to do when all the pretty girls can't compare to you.

This post has precisely nothing to do with the title. It's just a line from a song I'm listening to.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I was to busy worrying about things. My folio, the ICT credits I still don't have. They all seem immaterial. What do I live for? A job that I don't know what is yet, a student loan that will take me a while to pay off. I just don't get life right now.

I'm sick. Mum had a virus now I think that it's catchy. Catchy caught. Normally I have an incredible immune system. It has protected me from most bouts of everything going round. The practical implications of this is that I hardly ever got time off school.

League seems like it will never ever patch and right now I don't think I could play very well even if it did. I just don't feel like it. And even if I did I'm not exactly in the best of moods. I play worse when I'm angry tired or sad. I think I'm a bit of everything at the moment.

I have to hurry this along as my brother is circling and I said I only needed the internet for five minutes.

I'm just confused. I'm tired, hungry but I feel like I would throw up anything I ate. And I have a growing sense of unease. But maybe more about that later.

Donec occuramus Iterum Conveiniant

Was grace that saved a wretch like me. But no grace was saved for me.

How do you explain a profound sadness when everything seems to be looking up? I can't but I'm feeling it. It defies explanation.

"Every word's a new regret if you say it right, right.
Every wound can be forgotten in the right light."

Well where's that light? I want to forget the wounds. I want them to close but I don't seek out the ways and means to stitch me up. Or are they all in my head? Do they exist because I make them? I've never really expected people to do things for me, kind of a pleasant surprise when they do. Never expect what's never given and you'll never be disappointed. 

I have no idea where this is going but I feel bad now, I feel I must write a blog post.

Have you ever felt that the only reason you get up is to see someone again? I have but now I'm wondering how do you make it so that they're not all you have to live for?What if I lose her? What do I live for after that? I'm not suggesting anything. "Please make it go on forever." As Snow Patrol said.

I'm so confused. Every time I try to think I end up somewhere I want to stay away from.

"And the truth is I feel better, now I've forgiven everyone, now I'm not scared."


Well the truth is I am scared. I haven't forgiven her. I'm not better now, I'm worse than when I started.

I'm scared more than ever. That she's leaving me. But I still hate Tamara for what she did to me. It's arrogant and wrong and I don't know why I do it. I've got what I wanted, I've moved on. Then why do I still hate her for breaking me? Am I still broken?

Maybe. But I'm better. My girlfriends helped me become me again. This blog ended differently. But re writing it it makes me think, I should look forward. Because Tamara is my past. My girlfriend is my future.

Rachel. I love you. Just today you seemed like you wouldn't let me in. Maybe that was just me being wrong. I hopeful it is. But if it isn't... Well I'll cross that when your ready.


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Excuse me while this blog takes a long time.

Was grace that saved a wretch like me.
But no grace was saved for me.

Living, breathing, loving, dieing.
Leaving, singing, dancing, falling.

Should have, could have, would have.
Would never, would always, can we?

Love is blind, love is wonderous.
Love is dangerous, love is what it is.

If death is dying and life is living.
When do the living start dying?

What do you do when your very thoughts become fragmented? I don't know anything but to write them down. Maybe if I write them it will help banish these odd thoughts. Or maybe it will just send me deeper into them. We lost again. 4-2. My hands throbs every time I move it. So every letter written is like jamming a pen into it. I was quite proud of that. to liken writing to a writing instrument causing pain. Just like so many have done before. Have I done that? I've written so much I must have. Everyone must do it sometime. Because the brain is as much a pen or a keyboard as anything else. It just works faster. Every time you've insulted someone you've orchestrated it milliseconds before you open your mouth and let fly with the verbal barrage.

But I digress. Something I say a lot but never bothered to find out what it meant. It means to turn aside from what has originally the main topic. So if I digress it means I turn aside from the main topic. But I never end up going back. It's less of a digression, more of a leaving.

I need painkillers. But I also want to finish this blog post. The unfortunate thing being I have nothing to talk about. I did just make the worst remark to my girlfriend yet. So I suppose that's something. (Bangs head against keyboard)  sd. THAT'S IT. I bang my head against my keyboard and I get "sd". That sucks.  I have a killer headache now. Maybe its because I hit my head on the keyboard. Or maybe I'm just in a bad way.

Taking a hiatus from League. Not on purpose but I suppose that it's a good thing. Larger than normal patch and I hit dial up speeds the day before the patch goes out. Just my luck.

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I can't do anything.

FUCKING LEAGUE!!! I just can't seem to win anything. This is actually as far as I thought the blog through. I hate it. No matter how well I do my team always fucks up or if the teams doing great I do shit. It's really getting old fast. I want to win. It may seem like a bit presumptuous but I've lost for Nine games in a row. I think I deserve something. Maybe I should just leave it off there. I make stupid mistakes in game and it costs me and my team. Unfortunately I keep persisting in the vain hope that maybe I'll win the next game. But that doesn't look like its happening. Maybe this is the nail in my league careers coffin. I'll keep you posted but It's not like you care at all. Your just the internet. The huge gigantic internet and this is just another pathetic story that means little.

Si ego ceciderit, fiat sit in gratia, honore, superbia.
Fiat in iustitiam, in fide, in gloria.

Translation
If I fall, so be it with grace, honor, pride.
Let it be done in justice, in faith, in glory.

Maybe more on that. And don't bother just chucking it into Google translate. I had to shift the conjugation around and use some alternate translations.

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The ability to day dream.

It appears to be lost in many people today. Maybe its all the computer stuff.In fact it's probably that. Along with the fact that most teenage boys just use it amuse their libido and girls just imagine hot guys sweeping them off their feet. Generalizations, gotta love em.

Going to Wanganui tomorrow to visit the UCOL campus there. Not exactly sure what I'll find, not exactly sure what I'm looking for. But they said It would be a good place to go so off I go.

And that conjours thoughts of the future. I don't like the future. I live very much in the present. I live in the moment with no regard to what anybody else thinks or the consequences of my actions. In fact the only reason I've been watching my steps is....
Yep you guessed it (if you guessed it) my girlfriend. If I make a muck up then I might not get to see her for even longer.

I suppose it's been good for me in multiple ways this girlfriend. She's helped with self esteem ad all the other stuff in the previous posts. But I don't want to be dependant on people to make me happy. Unfortunately... I am. I will never be happy on my own. I need other people, and I need someone to love. It's just me.

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Living, breathing, maybe dying.

You die a little bit at a time. Slowly, ever so slowly. I want so much to be with my girlfriend. But I know I can't. And that's what hurts the most. It's like something dies every time I let her out of my sight. I didn't want this to be a "I miss my girlfriend, boo hoo me" post but it's slowly turning into one.

Unless i can turn the topic away. But that's not easy for me. For all the imagination I suppose I have I still get fixed on an idea. Once I want it, think about it, write about it. It's hard to get out of my head.

But here's a thought. Looking at mine and my friends blogs I've noticed something. My friend posts when he has something to say. It may not always be meaningful but he still says it. My girlfriend posts when she has something meaningful to say. I post every odd day whether I have something to say or not. It's weird, i feel unsatisfied compared to the other blogs when I'm the one with the most posts. Mind you quantity isn't exactly a substitute for quality.

Maybe one day I'll look at this blog and wonder... what I was doing, where I was going? But there's one thing I'm hoping for against all hope. A friend read my palm today. A friend external of my blogging circles and he told me that I'm going to fall in love with three girls. I don't want this to happen. I want to stay with my girlfriend. Childhood romances only ever work out as long as the movie lasts generally but I desperately want this. It's all I ever wanted. She's all I ever wanted. Someone to love who loves me back just as much.

Just looking down my chat sidebar. I still have a version of old Facebook chat thanks to the browser I use. Whoo Rockmelt. And I notice my girlfriends best friend. Who also lives in palmy.

(For those of you who haven't noticed I tend to avoid using names. Like the plague. In fact I never do it.)

Facebook friends whoo, because that means so much. I don't understand the craze with friends. Yus I barely know you, or I've seen you once before. I mean I'm friends with someone I've never even met. They friended me because I was helping them with a game and now they don't even play. What's the point in staying friends? And don't get me wrong, my girlfriends best friend is a nice gal and all but the only reason I ever talked to her was because it would have been awkward not to. I feel really bad saying it. I shall endeavor to do more, but then again my attention span is zero and my short term memory is even worse. So I'll try but I might forget to try. If that makes sense.

Lots of waffling here. Mmmm waffles. I want some now. But i am also lazy. So no waffles.

Okay now the post has wandered from the mildly interesting to the entirely deranged. I am not a concentrated man. yes I'm spread out over a large area and it takes effort for me to pull myself together. Okay that was bad, stemming from a lapse in concentratio...phone. thank you blog for enabling me to text my girlfriend back. And with that lapse...

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My life is one huge fucken sea-saw.

One day I'm on the hugest high I could imagine. Nothing was wrong with my world, all was well. Then in one evening I have been reduced back to the huge pathetic moody teenager I normally am. It has also reduced my music tastes from its usually large and diverse selection of genres to a man shouting at me and playing the guitar, bass and drums vigorously.

I suppose I should start at the beginning. It's called a beginning for a reason. Well yesterday was my girlfriends birthday (yay her) and I got to spend the morning with her. Then I went to wellington to watch my cousin get baptized (yay him). Then I spent the evening playing board games with my cousins and then went back to the place I was staying and watched CLG face off against frag eXecutors in the Intel extreme masters (yay me).

And today started off well enough. Slept in, went to church, nice lunch, traveled home. Then things started going backwards. I lost a game (nothing new) but then halfway through the next one while playing with my best friend my router decided to be a pencil. Then when I was trying to fix it mum and dad got angry at me simply for being on the computer and using the internet. I mean come on that's kinda pathetic. "Get off.." "Why?" "Because the internet is mine and I'm tired of seeing you on that game." I don't tell you to get off your bike dad and I don't tell you to stop reading those stupid romance novels you insist upon reading mum. So then why the fuck should you be allowed to just boot me off my game because your sick of seeing me do something. You wouldn't be yelling at me if I was reading a fucking book, or playing stupid scrabble with a dog, so whats the difference? They're both hobbies.

It feels good swearing, even if it's just me typing it out. Mostly because mum and dad hate it when I swear. It's petty revenge, you mucked me up in something so I'm going to make you angry. It's never really a good idea, ill-conceived and poorly executed with no regard for the consequences. But simply saying fuck makes me feel better. Muttering under my breath at how unfair this is makes it even better, just out of the hope they'll be listening so I can snap back at them. But ultimately it won't do anything for me. It doesn't change the world and I just end up swallowing my anger until I end up snapping and making a particular situation worse or storming off because I'm afraid of jeopardizing something for my girlfriend.

That's the thing I'm the most afraid of. Losing her, because not being able to see her makes me feel horrible. A deep yearning I can't sate, and I'm to afraid to just do something rash, like walk out to Bunnythorpe. It might take me a few days to get there but one day I'm going to do it. And that kind of scares me. The fact the one day I might need to resort to walking there.

And even then I'll just come back home, apologize, promise to never scare mum and dad like that again, and continue with life. And it makes me sick to my stomach. The level of respect that they command. God knows they earnt it, but a lot of adults act like some sort of fucking god compared to children and teenagers. And they expect it every single day and the only excuse is show some respect to your elders. So what about all the other times I showed you fucking respect? So what about all the times you disrespected me? Do they just magically disappear. *Fucking Poof* It pisses me off and there's no fucking thing I can do about it. I just want to scream in they're face about they're various misdemeanors. But that makes me a hypocrite.

My parents don't read my blog. I doubt they even know I have one. But if there was one on entry I hope they read it's this one. Swear words and all its an honest opinion. You are awesome. But you suck.

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I'm indifferent to the difference between tomorrow and today.

Well that's not exactly true but I digress. Won my first ranked game of League of Legends just over a hour ago. I've only played two, but I'm only in it for the free skins.

Anyway as proud as I am in my part of that win I do have other things to say. Unfortunately I can't remember what I was going to say. So I'm going to bitch about my parents instead. I'm promised at least 2 hours of computer. About half way through (actually halfway through my ranked match) My mother yelled at me to do some work around the house. I kept playing because I thought "I get 2 hours and I haven't had anything like that". Of course I was disillusioned and my two hours was almost up. But I still had time. And then dad comes in, unplugs the Ethernet cable and yells at me to do some work. I log back on later and pretty much instantly pick up a kill. I still one but I was still not happy with the duplicity showed by my parents. Two hours isn't a long time to be honest. It fly's by when your doing something you like. So when they said two hours I thought great two hours. Then today they interrupt me before my promised two hours is up. I've been over the limit before but that's not the issue i'm debating. Or rather telling the two people that definitively read my blog. (Hi guys.)

I actually want to play another game of league. I'm on a high. But then I think about this Saturday and get on a very low low. My girlfriend is coming to my town to stay with her cousin, who i am incidentally friends with. but I might be leaving for wellington. Just for the night. It sucks, but I'll get over it.

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Soccer and other painful things

Yesterday I almost quite seriously twisted my ankle. I say almost because I got off with a mildly hurt one and a 4-2 loss. It's the first loss we've had all season and almost everyone on the team blames the ref for making a few bad calls. Well shit happens, I did the best I could in the circumstances what with the sort of twisted ankle.

But anyway. I started the blog to post things I wrote (among other things) so today I'm posting something I wrote for my girlfriend. It's kinda sappy but anywho...

You took my breath away and when I asked for it back you did with much more besides. You drew my sight with no effort and now it pains me to let you away from me. You say you can't dance and yet you waltz through my mind with effortless ease, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Robbing me of all thoughts except that of you. Then as you fade away a gentle tap, like the softest of whispers, you flash back into my mind and take me away to giddy heights of happiness. You told me once that I had amazing eyes but for me your eyes can't be eclipsed, they shine with an intense happiness, nurturing every happy thought I ever had and growing them ten feet tall. Your eyes lock my gaze, intent on them and oblivious to all else.  You told me you liked me from the moment we met, that I seemed different. Well you did to, you radiated happiness, like nothing could ever get you down, like everything around you was raindrops on roses and sugar and spice, happiness and beauty. I liked you, then I grew to love you. And you grew to love me to. I can stare at your name for hours and a melancholy smile will flit across my face. A smile because I'm thinking of you. Melancholy because your not with me and I have to settle for just your name. I wish you where with me every waking moment. enough to match my imagination. Both simple and complex those dreams revolve around you. All the things I wish I could do but your to far away to. To talk, to whisper sweet nothings. Distance makes it hard to love apparently. But I don't mind the distance, just so long as you keep loving me. If that happens I can do anything, overcome anything. You make me want to make it through the day. Just to count down the days til I see you again.


It's not exactly a masterpiece. Nor is it the best thing I ever wrote. But it's hers. Just like me.

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Ball.

Well early in this blog's inception I had the issue with my parents about going to a ball. Actually it was the blog's inception. That's why I got the blog, well that and I wanted a place to post writings and pictures and tell nobody about my life. I apologize to my two definite readers, you are not nobody, its just that you read it when it was intended for nobody to read. I didn't expect anyone to bother with it.

Anyway back to the ball, it was a good time, not on it's own merit. Oh good god no. It was everything I expected it to be. Everything I don't like. Loud (bad) music, lots of people I didn't know walking up and saying hello because my girlfriend has been singing my praises, bad food and terrible dancing. Well I must amend this. I like my girlfriend singing my praises, makes me sure I'm doing something right. But anyhow, It was a terrible social occasion for me. I'm sure that many other people enjoyed it immensely. But I said it was a good evening. And it was. Because I was with her.

Every moment seems to short when I'm with her and I find myself wanting the next moment as soon as the last one has past. I can't stop thinking about her. I would rather be with her right now but instead I'm sitting here writing this blog. I'm just a little bit pathetic.
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The world spins on and on.

And I look down at my feet careful not to stumble. It's been a while since I posted and now I suppose this blog is now probably for simply my own benefit. I keep jiggling my leg as I write this. I'm not active enough in the day, maybe I need to start running again.

Well small talk over...
I've been reading my friends blogs. Not exactly ground breaking news but then It helps give my post context. First of all in my best friends blog he says that if a girl asked him for sex he wouldn't withhold it. While it's his opinion I can't agree with it. To me sex is the ultimate expression of love. It's not something you throw around willy nilly, and certainly not at our age. It changes my opinion of people when I hear about things like that. As if they somehow become lower. It's incredibly conceited of me, to assume I'm better because I can think with my head and not just my penis but sometimes it's incredibly true. He also talked about innocent girls. I don't know how you define innocent anymore. Everybody is exposed to sexual derision and constant sex jokes at some point in their life. So if you define innocent like that then nobody's innocent. But if you define innocent as a virgin then sure some people are virgin's but that sure as hell don't mean your innocent. And last of all before I move onto the next blog he talks about girls dropping hints. Sure most guys don't appreciate hints but then most guys aren't exactly bright. Some people appreciate hints because it shows that they have to make an effort. If for one appreciate real hints. Not the schoolboy type where if you like a girl your mean to her. I may just be waffling but it feels good to get these thoughts down on paper... err whatever the screen's made out of.

Now next blog. Whoo acomplishment. Right this isn't a series of points like in the last blog. This is about one big thing in particular. Can you justify leading someone on then breaking their heart. Well It depends largely on the circumstances. Some people don't realize what they are doing is leading someone on. Sometimes their just ignorant. And other times they enjoy being wanted. God knows I've felt this way before. They have no intention of actually going through with it they just want to be important. Don't get me wrong, I'd don't feel like that anymore. I love my girlfriend. Truly, madly, deeply, unequivocally and irrevocably. I've changed but I've tasted that sin and it tastes good. I know it's wrong now. But at the time it's so nice, so brilliant that you never want to stop. You go on with no regard to the feelings of others and at the end it leaves you hollow. It leaves you broken. "I've made all that effort and got nothing, Why?" I can't bare to think back on all the people i've hurt. There's to much broken glass for me to walk back that way. But if haven't learn anything then why keep it around. Maybe it would be beneficial to walk that weary way. To make myself see the pain and make sure I never do it again. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." And with all the intent in the world one tiny slip and your gone. And after all the work to prevent yourself from hurting someone it hurts even more than it would normally. The only way to never hurt is to never get involved in the first place. But that makes life hardly worth living. So as long as your willing to try and absolve those wrongs, regardless of whether this effort is accepted or not, you should be fine. But there are some things I can't forget and forgive. I can't forgive people for knowing wrongs. And even sometimes if they didn't realize it. I don't view the soul as anything much. Simply a measure of will. If something cuts into your soul a portion of will is gone. The will to live, love, run, walk, be angry or sad. If you cut into my soul then you take away from life itself. And I will never forgive people for taking that away from me. Not all the absolution from God and his mighty host could.

Well Donec Occurramus Iterum Conveniant.

Here you've got your troubles or so I've been told...

Maybe just a couple but I'm not quite sold. I've been finding it hard to empathize with people lately. I used to be good at it and could offer sincere profound advice. Now nobody asks and even when they do I can't give good advice. It's slightly infuriating. And now I've finally figured out some stuff that I want to do on league of legends then my art teacher goes BAM you need to do much more work. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I should just shut up and do it. But I just can't concentrate lately. Even on ritalin (Drug that replaces a lost chemical substance in the brain for people with ADD or ADHD at least thats my understanding) It's frustrating. I can't even think of something coherent to put on my blog.

Well. Actually here's something. I'm out Seya has been my default sign off. But my best friend objects to it. So I'm going to trial so here goes some latin.

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Pergo ad vincendum,

I come forth to conquer. And in a sense I do. Just not to conquer people. Instead I'm engaging some personal demons. I hate public occasions, public speaking is okay because they're obliged to listen. But public occasions enable people to get a free glance at whatever act your putting on at that point. Wether it be really you or some act or facade you've invented to make you feel better in a social situation. I hate it. You feel pressured to fit in to a particular group and that instantly alienates other people. Not to mention I hate small talk. I prefer large talk with my friends involving interpretive dance and the such like.

Maybe I'm over-reacting but every other dance or party has had me alienated and wanting to leave. But my Girlfriend wanted to go so I'm going. I've been thinking a lot lately, not sure if it's a good thing or not. But i've been inventing worlds and story concepts left, right and centre. It can sometimes piss you off to no end but It's also having a negative effect on my schoolwork. And they tell me that i'm day dreaming. I'm not this is harder.

Well I'm out. Seya.