I'm doing homework. Can you tell?

So here I am writing a blog post instead of doing my work. And chances are that I'm not going to get to there. Because of Warhammer 40000 Dawn of War 2 Reign of Chaos and my want for a new playable character on League of Legends.

Not to mention I just downloaded Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake and most of Jim Butcher's Dresden Files series. So that would normally keep me busy for eons but today I have to do homework. And It sucks. On the topic of things that suck. I haven't seen my girlfriend in a while. And I don't know when her ball is. That's something, I should probably fix that. (sends txt) There now I just have to wait and find out the date. Thought I probably could figure it out on my own. Which reminds me I need to find something to wear. Not to Formal. I don't have them. Just Black pants, my waistcoat, a white shirt. Find A tie that matches the color of her dress. Kinda hard. Don't know where the dress is. Oh dear. More stuff to do.

Well I'm out. Seya

"Well well well..." "Well What?"

Inkscape has failed me again. It keeps closing whenever I'm halfway through something. And I always conveniently forget to save. It's annoying but I'll get over it. I always do. Sorry I haven't been posting but I haven't had a regular access to the internet. But I had a great time in wellington. Full of games, stories and a 3D movie. But you know about that already.

But now it's back to business. I'm already steaming into the folio work and I've got a new concept worked out for the "Creative Writing" (It's not creative, its directed). I still have to write the work and do a write up on the various concepts presented for my t-shirt design. The t-shirt's all done. Before the actual logo actually. So no it's not a copy paste job of my logo onto a t-shirt shape. It took some thought and a great deal of doing what I'd already done before. Stupid Inkscape. I still have no idea how to use it properly. I've just been clicking and hoping. It's kinda odd. I need to be better at Inkscape but I don't want to learn how to use it. I'm not exactly sure it will benefit me later so I argue with myself instead of just making a decision and moving on.

Missed my girlfriend again last night. Well actually that's an understatement. I miss her many times a day. I'll be doing something completely unrelated to her like vacuuming and then my mind will end up at her.  It's not annoying, more bittersweet because I love her and everything about her and thinking about her. It's just knowing she's not here.

I'm Out. Seya.

It's odder than I imagined.

Music really does have power. It lifts you higher than high and can take you spiraling down to the darkest depths of depression. Thoughout what I've been through I've always had some sort of music playing in the background. Be it angry music to fuel my rage or soft and sad music to send me crashing to the ground. I don't know where I'd be without my music. Without any music really. Because I judge every piece of music placed in my hearing.

I love music. I just wish I could play it.

Yeah it's short I know. Give me some time to recover. I'm Out Seya.

Transformers, Dark of the Moon. 3D or not 3D. That is the question.

Thats the biggest question that's been running through the heads of my contemporaries. Well actually my cousins and some friends. I'm not actually sure if I have contemporaries. Anyway I've seen the trailer and it looks pretty awesome. And I'd like an awesome movie for my first actual 3D experience. Anyway there's not a lot to say about this. And I don't have much to say. So for now

I'm out. Seya.

Umbrus Votera

The Dream Hunter. It originates in Rome, a secret brotherhood whose only purpose was to hunt secret creatures called Equia. It took an "Equia" three days to completely possess a person. The Umbrus Votera would try to get there in time to go into the world created by the Equia. Inside this world anything was possible. In the outside world after three days the person would transform into a creature with superior speed and strength compared to a human. In this form they could only be harmed by something called an Umbra Blade. The Umbrus Voterra would then call other members and they would converge on the beast hunting and killing it. The "Equias" spirit would then escape. If they arrived before it transformed then they could capture it.

Not Exactly A lot but then I've been a little busy.

Second post for other stuff.

Admiral Wellington.

Of course Wellington wasn't an admiral. He was a general I think. Don't quote me on it. History wasn't exactly my strong suit. Anyway I'm in wellington, with my cousins. Who like playing games. And stuff. It's not exactly riveting stuff but thats my life. Not exactly interesting. Anywho I've got an art assignment to do while I'm here, two books to read and the Umbrus Venator concept to flesh out. So I should be quite busy for the next few days.

But quite honestly I'd rather had spent a week with my girlfriend. Maybe next holidays I should see if I can weasel it from my parents. I don't actually know how they'd take it. Things may happen as of yet.

I have been offered the use of a weird named vest for the ball which I'm attending. Unfortunately it was offered by her brother. So I'm not exactly wanting to take up the offer. My dress sense is apparently similar so I don't want it to seem like I'm copying him. Well I'll think so more about it. The next post should be about the Umbrus Venator concept.

I'm Out. Seya.

Today I did what I always do.

Today was the same as yesterday. And the day before that. It gets depressingly circular. Yeah I'm a little bit sad, At least I' not as sad as I used to be. I'm also incredibly weird at the moment. It's kinda odd. How nothing seems to make sense aside from what normally doesn't. And even then thats quite odd. I need to sit down and organize myself. Take a little time to sit and take stock of my life. But I don't have the time currently. I get the entire day scaring people, or hopefully, and then I go to wellington for a week. Not that I'm not in favor of going to wellington. I like going to cities. But its kinda awkwardly placed.

I'm also kinda slow. Like nothing matters or penetrates my thick head. I don't feel any mental agility or speed of thought. I feel sluggish, like I can't move or think. And I miss my girlfriend like hell.

I feel like this post just makes me feel weird so I'm Out. Seya.

I hate being told what to do.

I got my creative writing back today. It was a not achieved because I strayed from the task to much. This is exactly what I was talking about in my post about creative writing. It was creative, I created it from scratch so it's got to be creative. I'm so incredibly pissed off about it. How dare NCEA say to me that I'm not creative because I can't write the way they want to. Well nothing to do but start again. It doesn't bother me, starting again anyway. Because the standard encourages me to get my writing down as opposed to just letting it wander around in my head and eventually getting away. It's kinda refreshing and infuriating.

Anyway I'm starting a new story concept. No characters as yet just the general idea. It's about people called the Umbrus Venator, which is stylized Latin for Dream Hunter. So as people have nightmares they're actually caused by supernatural creatures called Equia's. Thats not Latin. In fact I just thought of it then.  Anyway I'll look at it later and say more.

I'm a little confused right now and would love to play a game of League of Legends. Just to quiet my head. But i've got a tonne of homework to do. So i'm delaying and am writing this post instead.

"I stare down and surveyed the vast metal expanse. It stretches and sways in the wind. It was amazing, a miracle of modern engineering. And I hate it more than anything else in the world."

Not a bad start but I need to see where this goes. I love my girlfriend and my mind is just going everywhere. It's like "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I love and or hate everything. Must have opinion about EVERYTHING!!!" I really should sleep. But I don't want to.

This is getting to weird. I'm Out. Seya.

Length no object.

Today this blog entry comes from English class. Well it got written in English and posted from my computer. Posted the way it normally does. Well actually more often it gets posted from one of the computers in the ICT room. Well anyway I'm "posting" here because I forgot my book, the book we as an English class are studying. I was cleaning my room last night and I found the book. I was holding it in my hand and said to myself "Will I need this? Nah I'll be fine."

It's odd really, I'm a speed reader so I only remember some details. But I don't remember much about that book, barely anything. It's like my mind just seemed to gloss over it, like it never happened. Which makes it Ironic when you consider what the book is. It's called "All quiet on the western front." Which is a novel about what's called "the something of war." Pity maybe, or tyranny, I don't remember exactly. Maybe my mind glossed over the book because thats what my mind has been trained to do. We hear about the soldiers fighting the war against terror all over the world. But when do we experience it? When is it that the war comes and places itself in front of our face? We say "oh thats terrible" and then move onto the next story in the news.  We gloss over it in our regular life so why should a pretend mans life make any difference. I think thats why I don't remember it.

And on the topic of not remembering things, It was my birthday last Friday. Yay Me. And also I wasn't in a position to post on Saturday or Sunday. And maybe Friday. I don't remember if I posted on Friday. Anywho I thought I'd better make it a long post today. To make up for the days I didn't post. And I think this is fairly large. Almost a whole A4 page in my pad. Actually I lied It's more than a page. In writing it's almost a page It became a page. Kinda self fulfilling. Anyway on a note of self congratulation. Apparently my girlfriends relationship with me has been her longest ever. Yay Us. I don't know If i share this and I don't want to. I don't want to compare one relationship with another. Even if it's only based on time. Because that encourages me to keep track of other things. Every relationship is different. I don't want to cheapen them by comparing them. It makes them seem less.

I hope this makes up for lack off posts.
I'm Out. Seya.

To the fields of Justice!!

It's odd the way you prioritize things when your a teenager. And every group does it differently. For instance, I spend at least 2 hours per day on the computer. This is a must. Some people have to spend the entire day with their friends once in a while. But everyone of the teenagers has the need for a social life. Be it based on the internet or real life everyone has one. Be it for keeping up with goss or organizing LAN (Local Area Network) Tournaments.

I've also been told that I have to get to level 30 in a game I play. I don't know why I do, or if I do know, I've now forgotten it. But I feel a need to get there. I like small meaningless goals and despise anything that will require a lot of work to further my career. I'm odd like that. Or maybe lazy would be a better word.

But then again it doesn't take a lot of effort to be the hero on a game. Because it's not you. You know that you'll be able to start again or just that you won't feel pain. I feel kinda surreal when I play games. Like I am that character, character immersion is a big thing for games. Well when I'm playing them. I didn't like Crysis 2 because the guy you were said nothing except for one line at the end.

I'm too lazy to write more. I'm out Seya.

Voluntus An Amor II.

Well after spending not long thinking I've come to a conclusion. While I love my girlfriend I can't control what will happen later on in life. All I can do is be the best boyfriend I can and come hell or high water at least I tried. If we fall apart so beit. But I don't want that to happen. For the first time in a while I feel a connection. I've had girlfriends before where I just had them because I thought they looked pretty. It's very shallow but there you have it. Theres always something about the girls I dated that I liked. And I still do. I don't just suddenly not like a persons trait that I loved before. I keep loving it, and in a small way them. I don't want to break up with her. But I do realise that eventually I'm going to have to step up or step out. I have made some sacrifices but that numbers gonna increase.

I have one thing to say. I love my girlfriend. And I always will. In one way or another. I will always love her spontaneity. Even if shes no longer mine.

I'm Out. Seya.

Voluntus An Amor.

Purpose or passion. Do I want something to live for or someone to live for. I certainly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I certainly have no idea if I want to spend the rest of my life with the same person. Actually thats a lie. I know that I want one person to love and care for. I just don't know if I've already found them or if they're round the corner. Don't get me wrong. I love my girlfriend more than anything I have. But I can't possibly know every single thing that might happen. The relationship is under strain as it is with us being far-(ish) away from each other. And if I follow what I'm looking at right now we'll get even further from each other. I love her but I can't help but think about what might happen. Curse you writers imagination.

I need to think about this. Maybe thats a bad thing but still...
I'm Out. Seya.

Whereabouts Unknown

There was a time when I was obsessed with computer games. Some would argue I still am. But I'm not as bad as I used to be. In fact, back then I thought about nothing but beating a game on the hardest difficulty. No matter what. At least now I think about what I have to do. Oh well. But seriously Computer games are really quite fun. They help me unwind. Along with music and movies they're what I fill most of my time with. Sure I probably should do my homework more often. But sometimes when I'm just about to start my homework someone (usually parents) comes and tells me to do my homework. It just completely demoralizes you. Just like when you go to do a job and then you get told to do it. It's like "Oh, I was going to do this to be nice to you, but now it just looks like I'm doing it because you told me to. You've turned my nice gesture into a grudging compliance. And it really pisses me off. But there's nothing I can do about it.

Love, Selfish Love.
To be honest I think love is selfish, and blind, and beautiful.
It's selfish because you begin to care only about that person. Everybody else's needs become nothing and you become completely focused on that person's needs even at the Expense of your own.
It's blind because you begin to blot out that person's bad qualities. You begin to see them as perfect and never stop to think about how everyone depends on criticism. About how if they're criticized by the person you love the most then you'll take it to heart and change for the better. But what if your partner is blind to your faults.
And love is beautiful. Because you sacrifice everything to make them happy, because they are perfect in your eyes, because one look can tell them a thousand words. And one look can show you that there's something about them that you will never understand but you'll always love anyway.

Your whereabouts unknown please now you can come home.
I watch my imagination sore to amazing heights, coming up with spectacular ideas and containing worlds in my own little head. But sometimes it goes places I don't understand. Sometimes it's whereabouts are unknown. And sometimes that's where the most fantastic stuff happens. When you have no idea where it's going just that you need to hang on for dear life because that one idea is the best you've ever heard.

Just some food for thought, nothing structured.
Maybe it'll be more coherent next time.

I'm Out. Seya.

Living life at it's largest. And at it's smallest.

Not everything goes the way we wish it could. And we don't always want to face the truth even when it stares us in the face. My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend. And he seems a little moody. He gets angrier easier and sometimes he doesn't seem to have a mood at all. I want to help but I think maybe I should stay out of this. Maybe he doesn't even acknowledge he has been like this, or that he might have a problem at all. Anyway I think i'll just stick to my usual plan. If I don't know for sure I can help then I stay out. Chances are that I'd just piss him off.

Anyway today in class (as opposed to doing my work) I gave some thought to the way I live my life. And I figured something out. I live life at it's smallest constantly waiting for something larger than life to come and hit me in the face. I'm not exactly sure how often I've been hit by something Larger than Life but I don't imagine that it has been very often. Nor do imagine that it will be very often. But while I live life at it's smallest I have a friend who lives life at its largest. She lives life by the day and loves it. Sometimes I envy her but not everybody has her energy, drive, or ability. I certainly don't. So even if I tried to live life like her I think i'd crash and burn sooner or later.

But it does bare thinking. Why do I live life at it's smallest? Why shouldn't I make a big deal out of some little things. I make big things out of things certainly. My girlfriend is coming for a visit and I can't stop thinking about it and her. By why couldn't I make something like getting a good grade a big something. Something for me to work on I suppose.

Well that's all for now.
I'm Out. Seya.

Dammit Inkscape, why can't I make things as awesome as I wanted.

It turns out i'm not as adept at Inkscape as I first thought. Inkscape is a drawing program in layman's terms. It's also incredibly frustrating at times. Mostly because I can't make a square do what I want it to do. Words cannot describe how pissed off I am right now. Work you piece of coding which I don't understand! Oh well I'll just print it and draw in whatever changes I need. Wait, I suck at drawing. I'm RUINED. But I'll get over it.

That's something I've noticed in the world. People (Me included) act like every little thing is the biggest thing is the thing thats going to shape our lives. I hate change. Except when it's good, but mostly I hate change. If I could live the same day over and over again without realizing it I probably would. Not because I enjoy it, but because I don't despise it. Sure it may be important at the time but is it really that bad. We get by with words of a consoling tone but inside we're saying "Please hurry up, It's not that bad and I have something I need to do." Very few people actually care about what happens to you. Be careful who you trust.

Wait, back away for a minute. Back away, organize your thoughts.
We live in a free country, but our lives are mapped out. We get a job, get married, maybe un-happily. Pay the bills. All day every day. Now tell yourself your free. Someday's you just have to break free, and some days you just want to slide deeper into routine, to watch your life slide by without any incident.

"I got so sick of being on my own, now the devil won't leave me alone." But just because some days we want to break out doesn't mean we don't want something to come back to. And remember that one day the place you broke out to may follow you home. And maybe refuse to leave.

Maybe I'm assuming to much. It's hard to take a 16 year old spouting philosophy seriously. I live a simple life, I go to school, I wish I could see my girlfriend more, I have friends who I see every weekday. Just sometimes I wish it was simpler, and sometimes I wish it was more exciting by miles.

I need some time to think.
I'm Out. Seya.

The dance of the sugarplum Fairy.

It sounds a little weird but it's actually a good song. Sometimes it feels good to listen to classical music. I can't really explain it but it's somehow soothing. Even if the music's tempo is upbeat.

As we speak I'm getting another person's opinion on my creative writing (which I finished after bitching about it last post). And they're done. Aparently it's anti-climatic, but after writing and editing it for about 3 hours I really don't feel like editing it at my current point in time. Maybe later tonight, if I can be bothered. But anyway I feel I should have something more important than being a bit apathetic towards my creative writing and my recent resurgence of creative writing.

Well the permission slip for my girlfriends ball has to be mailed by today. I still haven't got an answer from either of my parents. However I don't know what I'm going to do if my mum and dad say no. I'll give some thought to that. Maybe a candle lit dinner and a shotgun full of fireworks which I can fire into the air and watch as it explodes? Maybe a little much. Well being serious I'd probably want to make it up to her. I dunno how though.

I'm Out. Seya.

Uncreative Writing.

We're doing a creative writing standard at school and I can't help but think, "Is it really creative if we get told what to write about?"

I mean I get directed writing that's easy. Give me a topic and turn me loose. But Creative writing is meant to start from a single idea. Just something that floats into the head and slowly transforms into something entirely new. Be it incredibly beautiful of something sinister. Be it an expression of ultimate joy or a way of showing humans at they're darkest and depressed. It's not meant to be directed. It's meant to be let loose and shown to the world.

It's something I don't think many people grasp. When someone says create. I don't ask them to give me something to create. I think for myself. I think that it would much better represent your creative writing skill if someone said. "Write me something. Anything you want. One condition it has to be amazing."

If someone told me that. Then I would believe the results are creative.

Post 1 complete.
Now to think of something cool to write on blog tonight.

I'm Out. Seya.

I'm perfectly lonely.

I miss my girlfriend. I only have to wait a week to see her but I still miss her like hell. And for once in my life coincidence has gone my way. The game I was supposed to have on Saturday has been postponed until Tuesday. Something about it being a religious school which does something on a Saturday. But either way I'm happy. Mean's I get more time with her.

Football. Today I played two games. An eighty minute one for my high school and eighty minutes of a ninety minute game for my dads social team. It's appropriate for me to say that I'm very tired. However I feel somehow compelled to finish this post with something meaningful. I think I'm addicted to blogging. It's nice to have a place where I can talk freely. And i'm somehow not at all concerned about my parents finding this. Because they're only vaguely aware I even have a blog. Let alone how to find it when it's hardly findable in Google.

In my experience there's two kinds of music downloaders. Those who download songs. And those who get albums. I'm an album guy. I don't know why. I hate some of the tracks on the albums I have. It just seems so messy to only have one song.

Wow. I'm a tidy file freak. Even my desktop is ordered. But enough of my revelations about computer related OCD. Or rather enough of this post because I'm actually running out of things to post about.

Ahh, right post patterns. Well as a general rule I shall post twice on weekends and once on weekdays. If I break the rule then... I'll live.

I'm Out, Seya.

Innocence finds much protection in the feeling of guilt.

Well it's the first time I've written a post early in the morning so bear with me if this gets a little convoluted. At the time of writing this I'm still waiting on a title for the post. Maybe I'll read it back and then something with just jump out at me. Or I'll just do what I did yesterday and use a song lyrics and make it suitably ironic.

I know my girlfriend reads this blog but this might just be a post she would do well to stay away from. Or not, it depends where I go. Well here  goes. My train of thought.

She said If I couldn't go to her ball she'd be a little bit sad. I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to be sad but in this situation I have no choice. I'm not the one who will make her sad in this case. Well it won't be my fault she's sad. But I'll still be the cause. And that there is what I hate the most. I came into this to try and make her happy but I may just end up making her sad. I hate being powerless, It just makes me feel so frustrated. I'm forced to stand and watch as other people make decisions about my life. But If I'm not the one who's making this decision. Why do I sit here in front of this computer screen typing away, and feel anguish. I start imagining all the things that could happen If I don't go and they all make me sick to my stomach. A sensation of guilt even though it hasn't happened. I know the feeling of guilt well.

Innocence finds much protection in the feeling of guilt.
If this is true then why don't the people who are making the decision feel this way.  If this is true why don't I feel a bit of anxiety of the decision. Thats all I should be feeling. Not this. If innocence is protected by guilt then why does guilt attack me so much over this, something I'm innocent of.

I'm frustrated. I have to games of soccer today and I don't feel like playing either. Dad would probably understand If I didn't play the second. But there's no getting out of the first. Anyway I've got to go get ready now. We kickoff at 9 and I have be there at quater past 8.

8:07. Oh sh....

Gotta run. I'm Out. Seya.

Slow down, we've got time left to be lazy.

It was cold but it got warm when you'd barely crossed my eye.
And then you turned, put out your hand,
And you asked me to dance.
I knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight.
Fun. - The Gambler


I've been listening to a lot of music these days and this is just one of my favorite songs. Mostly because it reminds me of my girlfriend. I'm still not sure how it does but I've got some ideas. Maybe when I've nailed it down I'll post why it reminds me of her.

But Fun. has an odd sound. It's something unique. That's something you don't get a lot these days in music. But I digress not everyone likes something different. I mean death metal bands still manage to make money and I can't listen to three seconds of that without leaving. Some people like listening to the exact same thing with subtle variations. Again death metal bands. (Yeah I don't like death metal, did you get that?)

And I've also been watching a lot of movies lately. The Hurt Locker being a personal favorite. I don't know why I like it. I mean sure it's set in Iraq so its got militaristic overtones. But it follows a bomb disposal squad. They're not exactly involved in high risk special death defying maneuvers which involve shooting their way out of an ambush or something. (I had to alter that sentence because I realized  that bomb disposal is a high risk maneuver.)

But back to life. As far as I'm aware my girlfriend is coming to visit me on the 9th of July. However a complication has arisen in my quest to go to my girlfriends ball. Apparently my parents want me to go to a camp which is happening at the same time as the ball. It's a perfectly sound excuse for not going to the ball and as I said in previous posts I'm not sure I want to go. But I want to spend time with my girlfriend. I mean I've spent my entire life going to these camps. Surely It couldn't be to much of a sin if I miss one. But then again mums already having trouble saying I can go.

There is hope yet. They said they might stay in a motel and take me down to the camp the day after the ball. But considering the trouble my parents are having at the moment anyway. I have a feeling that this camp may be the final nail in the coffin. And the pressures now on because I have to have the permission form sent away by Monday. My parents like having a long time to think things over and they haven't exactly got it.

I'll talk to them tonight and see where I stand. However it doesn't look good from where I stand.

I'm out. Seya.