I hated...

I hated every second of primary school.
I hated everyone who only wanted me around because I was intelligent.
I hated the time I spent pining away over the girls I had split up with.
I hated every single one of my friends because of the things they were better than me.
I hated my computer because it keeps overheating the graphics card.
I hated myself because of my faults.

But now...

I still look back on my time at primary school in loathing. I still hate people who use me. I think that the time spent pining was just recovery, to appreciate what was lost and look forward to a new beginning. I know that my friends will specialize in something and I can't be better than them at everything. I accept that. I still hate that my graphics card but it's minor in my everyday life. And I still hate my faults but they are part of me. As much as my strengths are.

The sword and the shield.

This is a concept for a way of thinking that has been in my head for a while and I figure this is the best place to put it. The sword and shield are exact opposites and so counter each other. But I'll start with the sword.

The sword is the symbol of war. The gun could be considered but the sword is more entrenched. And so the sword is for attack. It represents your ability to comprehend another's arguments, beliefs idea ect. and then use that knowledge to destroy what you have just understood. To be truly effective you cannot just rely on dismantling their argument but you must be proficient at being able to gradually replace that view with your own. The sword is your offensive capability in any given argument be it political, on faith or any others.

The shield is the symbol of protection. When you see a shield you know that it will protect you whatever this item is. And so the shield is your ability to structure an argument which cannot be undone. The skills involved in both shield and sword are similar because as you find loopholes in others arguments you will learn to exclude these loopholes from your own arguments. So in this case to train one is to train the other. But the skills are employed differently.
Its a concePt for analyzing an argument I suppose. It sounded better in my head.

Dealing with fallout, advice and replies.

One for micheal the others for Rachel.

Micheal your worries are very true. I do depend on you. Because just like you I changed. I was a loner for a lot of school. Maybe a single friend who wasn't always around. I was good at school and ultimately I think that's where my education fell through. But that's for another time. I was arrogant and opinionated, and never afraid to share, even when it would have been better to stay silent. Then I met you. Then made a friend who always wanted to be around me, to listen and discuss. You mellowed me out and eased up the less desirable traits. I would have had friends, but not as many without you. And now my friends are leaving me and I'm left to my own devices. Maybe your influence will stick, maybe it won't. I just hope you can stand the me that will show up.

Now on to Rachel. First some advice about blogging. Opinions are Gods gift to bloggers. Doesn't matter what it is. If you have an opinion then write it, flesh it out. Some will flop don't worry. At the end of the day I think it helps if you solidify your own opinion with text. Even if it's just friends who read it. They care enough to read, then they probably care about your opinions. Now that I look at it this is as much for my benefit as it is (potentially) yours.

And second. I took my time and thought as I said I would. I could have just messages you this but I'm always up for a little show boating. And I understand. Yes I jumped from extreme to extreme and I didn't listen to what you'd told me: I still live you just now it's more the way you love me, as a friend, someone to care deeply about. What you said has changed some things and left others alone. And you've both dented and rue forced my pride at the same time. Congratulations Rachel. And thanks.

My head is buzzing.

It's buzzing with thoughts, feelings and people all cycling through my head. The cause was a line of text but I must admit that was not the only fuel to the fire. I would like to skirt the instigator, to flow quickly and evenly around it but I cannot. There is a paragraph here where I tried to avoid it. But no. It doesn't work. The catalyst is absent and in being absent the whole reason for this writing falls apart. It was the unequivocal fact, that Rachel did not love me.

I could lie to spare feelings, or I could tell a truth that is fragmented amongst the parts of my mind. But what would sparing feelings now accomplish? So no, the truth, as broken as it may be to my understanding.

The truth is, I'm scared and about to be almost abandoned by the people I care about most. And this just rocked me. I cannot say I did not expect it, but I never expected to be told. I thought that one day I would ask and one day I would receive that answer and be content. To have it suddenly thrust upon me was a shock that was unpleasant. It changed my night. I had planned to spend time with my friends on league. But that changed, I blamed my ping for actions that were through fault of my own. I ducked out of a second match because I new that I would not play to the best of my ability.

But the worst part was when she said "sorry but it's true". Not that she was sorry for me, but that she had no reason to be sorry. It was my over zealous feelings and nature that caused this not her. But I think I know enough to understand why she is sorry. I think I know enough of guilt and being sorry.

There are three other things that contributed to this feeling. They are, Assassins Creed, They sword of truth book series and something notch, the creator of  minecraft, wrote.

Assassins creed is a good story, and a good game. I'm referring to the first one by the way. But as I payed it I understood why people dont read or play games or watch movies, because they accomplish nothing. What will having played through assassins creed give me in life? But as it showed me this it also told me again why so many people play games, read books, and watch movies. To distract them, to take them from their own world and let them experience another for a short time. So that is part of the fuel.

The sword of truth series has something called the wizards rules. They are like guidelines to life. And they talk about truth, finding it, showing it, finding delight in it. "Seek not the truth through others, rather through yourself." That's paraphrasing one of the rules. I have always, maybe unconsciously lived by this rule, it explains my curiosity. I feel, guilty, as if I've cheated myself out of something with this.

And the thing that notch wrote. Here's the link but Micheals read it already. http://notch.tumblr.com/post/37823268132/i-love-you-dad
This didn't add anything specific it just made what I was feeling sharper. It just made me sad.

The feeling is an odd mixture of hope and despair. Despair not just because I wasn't loved, but because I no longer have something to work for, to strive and Acheived. One more achievement in the great game of life that a friend did for me. And hope because this brings me closure, a final end to the sorry emotional state once this is through. As well as an understanding. That in life you will meet people that you love but they will only care about you, and that is fine. Understandable and condoneable. But you will love all the same just not in the way where you get to kiss them long and passionately. It will take time and perhaps a sudden emotional shock but you will get there.

And Rachel as always I'm sorry. But this time I'm not sorry for what I did but rather I'm sorry that...
I spent an hour trying to describe the reason. At the least I hope you Understand that Im not in love with you but I do still love.

There. It's fragmented definitely unfinished and might be taken the wrong way. But for better for worse its there.

There are some things.

There was also meant to be a segue but there isn't one. Just this.
http://xkcd.com/1146/

I'm happy for the minute.

As we are all well aware of It's hard for me to be happy. There's always something hanging over my head but tonight I feel fine. The ball was tonight and it was fun. I'll admit I zoned out slightly and it came as a great surprise when I found my arm being tugged by Tania to come and dance. Which consisted of repetitive movements of hip and arms along with a healthy dose of fist pumping. I can dance choreographed  Ask me to dance on the spot and I'm stumped. We got a picture of our gaming team with a substitute Jungler. Bongo was the only one around and we played with him often enough so, he's now our sub. I danced, an improvement on the last time, I ate, also an improvement. But there are two things that I have to get off my chest.

Rachel was there and the moment I saw her I felt guilty. Guilty for not making her year 12 ball as enjoyable as it could have been. I know it's a long time ago and I'm fairly sure she harbours no ill will about it but that won't stop me being sorry about it because deep down, I know that I fucked that up. I was more concerned about me than I was about her. And I'm sorry for it. 

The second thing was not as depressing as the first. Like I said Rachel was there and I spent a lot of time talking to her. It felt good to see her again and just talk. It reinforced my belief  that I value face to face contact more than anything else. It was easy to talk to her above all else and maybe that was one of the reasons that I fell in love with her. But as we know love evolves, love moves on, blah blah blah, don't worry I'm not in a hurry to try anything. But it never hurts to realise what you liked in the first place when it comes to that special someone. 

But wait, Kassie was there as well, but I'm fairly sure that she understands. The failures in my last relationships and the hypothetically increased distance make it even less likely to work and well, I don't want to break a friend. I could ramble on about many tangents that my mind has created but I think it's better to stay within the realm of reality, and perhaps sanity. 

A good night, one of the best nights, thanks everyone. Thanks Fortitude Gaming, thanks to Tania for pulling me out of my reverie and making me dance, thanks to Rachel for just talking. But dam I wish I'd had that top hat.

A note on character.

A note on character. 

Every game has character, from the games where the character evolves and shapes itself over he players experience to the games where the character is simply and excuse to give you someone to play as. All games have character but some games are defined, by it, revolve around it. It is these games that I find truly enthralling and will keep me coming back to them every time. So why do, in my opinion, games that revolve around character have such a large advantage over those that don't. 

Well that dates back to my love of books. I know that as a general rule books and games are seen as something of opposites, although much of the time it's television not video games that are placed opposite to books. But the central object of books has always been character, high action sequences are easier to pull off with televisions and games do by necessity the writer must either be really good at writing action sequences or have the story revolve around character. And while I just said that action sequences are easier to pull off on screens why can't I have both? There are movies that have both and there are games that have both. 

Now games that are based solely on action are fun. Call of Duty is fun, Battlefield is fun, ect. But they aren't games that I will play over and over again without some form of multiplayer. I read books over and over again because I enjoy revisiting the rich and vibrant characters that make up the world. I replay most games as well because I enjoy not just playing the games, but because the characters are as rich and alive as any character in a book. For an example of from my recent past. I recently played through a game and have almost finished another. The two games where Deus Ex: Human Revolution and Bulletstorm. Bulletstorm was vivid, brightly colored and full of non stop action. Deus Ex, stealthy, a sepia tone and a less brutal pace. Which of the two do I enjoy more? Well thats easy, Deus Ex. Bulletstorm was great for me to power through at full speed, to feel the power as my enemies all fell before me. Deus Ex, feels more solid, the characters all have opinions, agendas, all have feelings and thoughts that come across in the way they act and speak. Not that Bulletstorm didn't have that but it just feels more pronounced in Deus Ex. The characters inside Deus Ex feel far more real than those in Bulletstorm. Which identifies with the theme In their design, Bulletstorm was designed to be over the top, Deus Ex was designed to be the story of a man struggling to find truth. 

In the end the strength of the character depends on the genre, intention and plot of a games. And there have been many iterations, some successful. Some not. But as a personal choice, I will revisit the games that I believe have the best character. Because I believe that  character makes the best story.