Sigh then blink

How to start, there's a lot of half formed things in my head. I figured it was time that I got them written down,  at least a part of them. A half remembered memory of someone telling me they liked my writing style, did I invent it or just not remember it? I don't know. I feel that I heard it somewhere from someone I cared about. It made it special to hear it from them. But I don't know who it was? Why not?

I feel like shaking my head constantly, to try and clear what seems like cobwebs in my head. I get tired so suddenly then spend restless nights in bed. I feel muted, like what I want to say and do can't get out. And has been replaced by something that ends up snapping at friends and family. I got so angry at my sister for adamantly refusing to turn down the television a little so I could hear Micheal speaking. But did she deserve it. I know I'm louder than I realise at the time and I know I get excited and loud during league games. But it's not just my problem. I either have to yell over the TV or get it turned down. It's a self perpetuating cycle. I talk, she turns on the TV, I talk louder to get over the TV, she turns the TV up, ad infinitum. I dunno. Part of me wants to be the better man and try and make a difference so that next time I can say I have done something, now it's time for you to do your part. But another part of me wants to say no, I don't get to speak with Micheal that often, the world should bow to my wishes. 

I miss my friends, I miss the variety that was there. Dammit I wish having a girlfriend. I miss having a best friend ten minutes away. The person who liked you for exactly who you were and the person who couldn't care less who you were. I miss the comfort feeling.

I feel that I caved a little. I feel selfish. I didn't want Rachel on Skype in our game call. I felt that we alienated her when we talked bout the game. I wanted her all to myself for a little while, at least as far as I could tell. But that meant giving up time with Micheal. The actual decision was wrong in so many ways. There was no way to win and I shouldn't have felt like it in the first place. I feel isolated. I feel sad that I thought like that. But there's nothing I can do. Not in the past and I don't know what's brought this on. I feel scared because I was sure that I had but things to bed. Will I never be free of this? 

You know sometimes I wish that I had  blog that no one knew about. But that was never my intention. I always wanted people to see it, and ask me about it. So that I would get more attention.

I'm petty at times.