I had a breakdown today.

I was playing soccer which in hindsight wasn't my best decision what with my lack of sleep and cold. I was probably asking for trouble. But anyway I was playing soccer and I was on front post, not something that's normal for me. But I moved out to stop the ball and then it just slipped straight past me into the goal. If I'd stayed still then it wouldn't have gone in but I didn't react with that usually soccer players head down thing. I kicked the goal and started shouting obscenities at the sky. I was so mad at myself in the one instant it felt like my hate would just crush me. I just wanted to punch somebody, I wanted to fight, I wanted blood as it were. I knew that it was a bad idea for me to keep playing so I subbed myself off. I stalked off furious with them, me, the situation, the world. And then I found a stream at one end of the field and I sat down and I cried. It emptied me. Like I felt nothing at all after I'd finished crying. I went back to the changing rooms shrugging off concerned hands, I got changed and I got on the bus. Uncomfortably numb with my surroundings. I didn't notice someone had sat next to me until I tried to get more comfortable. My aunt gave me an apple cider which I drank about half of. I've decided I need to be eating if I get given alcohol, otherwise the bitter taste just sits in my stomach, which is the reason I never drank in the first place. And here's where I got really uncomfortable in the aftermath.

I got the three points for player of the day. Now normally I am very critical of myself, I know this. But I got mad and stalked off and they gave me those points anyway. Either I was fantastic or it was a pity thing. I'm inclined to go for the pity vote. I didn't want those points, I didn't deserve them. But I got them anyway. They should have gone to anyone else, just not me.

I should probably start sleeping on a regular timetable and taking Panadol when my head isn't all right.  But then when have I ever done what's good for me. I've thrown away a lot of whats good for me.