My head is buzzing.

It's buzzing with thoughts, feelings and people all cycling through my head. The cause was a line of text but I must admit that was not the only fuel to the fire. I would like to skirt the instigator, to flow quickly and evenly around it but I cannot. There is a paragraph here where I tried to avoid it. But no. It doesn't work. The catalyst is absent and in being absent the whole reason for this writing falls apart. It was the unequivocal fact, that Rachel did not love me.

I could lie to spare feelings, or I could tell a truth that is fragmented amongst the parts of my mind. But what would sparing feelings now accomplish? So no, the truth, as broken as it may be to my understanding.

The truth is, I'm scared and about to be almost abandoned by the people I care about most. And this just rocked me. I cannot say I did not expect it, but I never expected to be told. I thought that one day I would ask and one day I would receive that answer and be content. To have it suddenly thrust upon me was a shock that was unpleasant. It changed my night. I had planned to spend time with my friends on league. But that changed, I blamed my ping for actions that were through fault of my own. I ducked out of a second match because I new that I would not play to the best of my ability.

But the worst part was when she said "sorry but it's true". Not that she was sorry for me, but that she had no reason to be sorry. It was my over zealous feelings and nature that caused this not her. But I think I know enough to understand why she is sorry. I think I know enough of guilt and being sorry.

There are three other things that contributed to this feeling. They are, Assassins Creed, They sword of truth book series and something notch, the creator of  minecraft, wrote.

Assassins creed is a good story, and a good game. I'm referring to the first one by the way. But as I payed it I understood why people dont read or play games or watch movies, because they accomplish nothing. What will having played through assassins creed give me in life? But as it showed me this it also told me again why so many people play games, read books, and watch movies. To distract them, to take them from their own world and let them experience another for a short time. So that is part of the fuel.

The sword of truth series has something called the wizards rules. They are like guidelines to life. And they talk about truth, finding it, showing it, finding delight in it. "Seek not the truth through others, rather through yourself." That's paraphrasing one of the rules. I have always, maybe unconsciously lived by this rule, it explains my curiosity. I feel, guilty, as if I've cheated myself out of something with this.

And the thing that notch wrote. Here's the link but Micheals read it already. http://notch.tumblr.com/post/37823268132/i-love-you-dad
This didn't add anything specific it just made what I was feeling sharper. It just made me sad.

The feeling is an odd mixture of hope and despair. Despair not just because I wasn't loved, but because I no longer have something to work for, to strive and Acheived. One more achievement in the great game of life that a friend did for me. And hope because this brings me closure, a final end to the sorry emotional state once this is through. As well as an understanding. That in life you will meet people that you love but they will only care about you, and that is fine. Understandable and condoneable. But you will love all the same just not in the way where you get to kiss them long and passionately. It will take time and perhaps a sudden emotional shock but you will get there.

And Rachel as always I'm sorry. But this time I'm not sorry for what I did but rather I'm sorry that...
I spent an hour trying to describe the reason. At the least I hope you Understand that Im not in love with you but I do still love.

There. It's fragmented definitely unfinished and might be taken the wrong way. But for better for worse its there.