Innocence finds much protection in the feeling of guilt.

Well it's the first time I've written a post early in the morning so bear with me if this gets a little convoluted. At the time of writing this I'm still waiting on a title for the post. Maybe I'll read it back and then something with just jump out at me. Or I'll just do what I did yesterday and use a song lyrics and make it suitably ironic.

I know my girlfriend reads this blog but this might just be a post she would do well to stay away from. Or not, it depends where I go. Well here  goes. My train of thought.

She said If I couldn't go to her ball she'd be a little bit sad. I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to be sad but in this situation I have no choice. I'm not the one who will make her sad in this case. Well it won't be my fault she's sad. But I'll still be the cause. And that there is what I hate the most. I came into this to try and make her happy but I may just end up making her sad. I hate being powerless, It just makes me feel so frustrated. I'm forced to stand and watch as other people make decisions about my life. But If I'm not the one who's making this decision. Why do I sit here in front of this computer screen typing away, and feel anguish. I start imagining all the things that could happen If I don't go and they all make me sick to my stomach. A sensation of guilt even though it hasn't happened. I know the feeling of guilt well.

Innocence finds much protection in the feeling of guilt.
If this is true then why don't the people who are making the decision feel this way.  If this is true why don't I feel a bit of anxiety of the decision. Thats all I should be feeling. Not this. If innocence is protected by guilt then why does guilt attack me so much over this, something I'm innocent of.

I'm frustrated. I have to games of soccer today and I don't feel like playing either. Dad would probably understand If I didn't play the second. But there's no getting out of the first. Anyway I've got to go get ready now. We kickoff at 9 and I have be there at quater past 8.

8:07. Oh sh....

Gotta run. I'm Out. Seya.