*Groan*

Why do I do this to myself? It's the second night in a row where I have been up past 1. And by my body clock and general fatigue level I think I'm gonna be up for a while. But for now I'm okay with it. I don't feel tired and I know that I'll regret it in the morning but it's really not that bad. You just end up sleeping a little longer, a little heavier, maybe dozing off on occasion. For a teenager it's really not that bad. For an adult I imagine that it would be very damaging inside a career. Especially a consistent time shift related career like serving or something.

I'm really enjoying the mentalist and I'm slowly sorting through the external I got lent. What stuff I want to keep and what stuff I can do with out. I try to be diverse so that when people come I can distract kids and entertain adults when need be, but I still tend to want my own stuff more than anything that would be a useful addition. I say I want to have and do something for other people but it's just as much my own wants as much as anything else. I fool myself into thinking I'm doing someone a service when in fact I'm just doing something for me. Sometimes when I'm being hard on myself I tell myself that I'm not nice because I am. I'm nice because It means people feel obligated to be nice to me, to do stuff for me. I don't know If I'm right or if I'm wrong. And I don't expect an answer. I'm not going to ask a stranger to find this out for me and I can't ask a friend because they always try and steady your self esteem.

That's another thing I'm guilty of as well. Using Friends to boost myself up when I'm feeling down. Or at least I was guilty of it. Now a days I just bury it. It will come back eventually as some hideous monster that defines me for a time and I can change that. But in the same token I can't. I won't stop burying my own inadequacies despite the fact that I have stopped, considered  and ultimately reasoned that this is a bad thing.

I've started watching something called Extra Credit. It's game design advice and commentary made by gamers. Yeah I know that chances are you've already heard of it considering my three person viewership. But it's a good series because it accomplishes something I don't think it even set out to do. It teaches you about yourself. I didn't think it was possible for a commentary about games to actually affect me but the things they discuss are things like basic human psychology, various issues in the community today. It teaches you in a way that I found spectacular, the way that is to teach without actually realizing you're doing it. Or to teach on two levels conscious and subconscious. I don't know if I'm reading to much into this, maybe I am and I'm drawing lessons from nowhere. But even then that's a good thing, isn't it?

There are some things that we don't realize until later. I was a whining bitch who relied upon others to make him feel better. Maybe I still am. But I acknowledge the problem and I'm honestly trying to keep that out of my life. I know that acknowledging a fault does not do anything in and of itself. There is no point telling everyone about the elephant in the room if you're not willing to try and get rid of it. But I'm trying. Maybe not the hardest ever but I am trying, and that's important.

And now one last comment before I go back to watching the first series of The Mentalist. When does it become and issue of trying is no longer enough. We are preached at to try again when we fail. But what if the failing was meant to say to us, "This is not something you should be doing". So when does the focus shift from the child's "Keep trying, that's the important part." Mantra to "You must succeed at all costs." Something that is primarily driven in the adult job orientated consumerism world. And that's something I can't answer. Some kids grow up to fast. Some never grow up. Now I can't really comment because I never planned to grow up and am still physically growing. I try to act past my age and yet I'm immature when I'm at my most comfortable.

This hasn't been pity so much. At least I didn't want it to be. I more wanted somewhere to admit my faults and write down recent ideas. I'm not looking for pity. Maybe once, but not anymore.