Was grace that saved a wretch like me. But no grace was saved for me.

How do you explain a profound sadness when everything seems to be looking up? I can't but I'm feeling it. It defies explanation.

"Every word's a new regret if you say it right, right.
Every wound can be forgotten in the right light."

Well where's that light? I want to forget the wounds. I want them to close but I don't seek out the ways and means to stitch me up. Or are they all in my head? Do they exist because I make them? I've never really expected people to do things for me, kind of a pleasant surprise when they do. Never expect what's never given and you'll never be disappointed. 

I have no idea where this is going but I feel bad now, I feel I must write a blog post.

Have you ever felt that the only reason you get up is to see someone again? I have but now I'm wondering how do you make it so that they're not all you have to live for?What if I lose her? What do I live for after that? I'm not suggesting anything. "Please make it go on forever." As Snow Patrol said.

I'm so confused. Every time I try to think I end up somewhere I want to stay away from.

"And the truth is I feel better, now I've forgiven everyone, now I'm not scared."


Well the truth is I am scared. I haven't forgiven her. I'm not better now, I'm worse than when I started.

I'm scared more than ever. That she's leaving me. But I still hate Tamara for what she did to me. It's arrogant and wrong and I don't know why I do it. I've got what I wanted, I've moved on. Then why do I still hate her for breaking me? Am I still broken?

Maybe. But I'm better. My girlfriends helped me become me again. This blog ended differently. But re writing it it makes me think, I should look forward. Because Tamara is my past. My girlfriend is my future.

Rachel. I love you. Just today you seemed like you wouldn't let me in. Maybe that was just me being wrong. I hopeful it is. But if it isn't... Well I'll cross that when your ready.


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