But I don't let it show. It's easier just to act like nothing is wrong. The same way it's easier for me to pretend that I'm tired rather than sad. I don't change the world around me by showing how I feel. The world just doesn't work like that, the world doesn't react to me getting angry with it. So despite the fact that I can get furious with people and things that happen, I just let it go. It's become to hard to try and change the world and I'm only 17.
Some days I get like this. Where something has triggered these bouts of melancholy. Today it was the two games Company of Myself and One and One Story
They're flash games but don't hold that against it. Company of Myself is one of the more interesting flash games. Basically you duplicate yourself and your duplicates do what ever the player controlled person did the last time. You solve puzzles. But the story line is about a man who has been on his own for a very long time and he starts to perceive himself as a loner. And he talks about a girl called Kathryn. You later have some sort of flashback where instead of duplicating yourself you control her. But you find out she died and he had a mental break down and was incredibly guilty. The game ends with a report from a psychologist who has been tasked with psychoanalyzing "Jack." He references some of the games core functions like the green boxes you use to exit a level are actually the box that Jack used as a coffin for Kathryn. You don't know if Jack really did murder Kathryn and you never find out. But what gets me is his loneliness. He is visited by a psychologist for eight years once a week (I think) and he never remembers anything, he's so hung up on the death which happened a long time ago. Sometimes I link myself with this man when I'm feeling particularly retched about myself. Which doesn't happen very often. But I do get lonely very easily.
The second game, One and One story, is about a boy and a girl who you have to guide towards each other to complete the level. Sounds simple but the game mechanics change as the story progresses. The mechanics are based around at it's core the phrase that comes up on screen. For instance, the text says, "When she saw me she ran to me," This means that instead of controlling the girl she automatically runs towards the boy whenever she sees him. There's about five or six mechanics used and it's actually a short and easy puzzle solver to kill some time. I felt a tiny bit jealous of the boy. That in and of itself is more than a little pathetic. Still I can't help it for now. Not much I could do anyway, except maybe stop playing depressing flash games.
Ahh still, maybe I should have done the Calc homework before I got on the computer. But Linguistics is far more interesting. Interesting words, odd words, it's something that I love because I do it unconsciously. For me being eloquent and loquacious is a way of life not something you turn on for a speech. And I still can't spell unconsciously without a spellchecker. I'm odd. I was going to say full of surprises but not to the people that know me. To them all my tricks are old hat. But sometimes you like it that way. I'm sometimes the funny one but I know that my awkwardness around new people kinda holds me back.
That's enough for tonight. Or maybe not. I can't tell anymore.
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