I'm closer than ever.

So why do I feel so far away. In previous holiday's I couldn't get into town to spend time with my friends. But now that I'm close. Just a 10-15 minute walk from town itself. And the walk itself isn't that strenuous. So why do I want to stay here and hide for the rest of the holidays?

The kind of friends that do well enough but don't actively seek each others company. That's what it's become. Mind you the circumstances don't help in any case. As far as I'm aware she doesn't even know where I live. Well ambiguity for the win. Or would I prefer this to be a war of attrition?

If I'm never your hero I can never let you down. And I've never been anyone's hero. I've never had that kind of chance and what happens when I do. I'll choke like I always do under pressure. Why do emotions have to be so complicated?

I've been reading a book called Brave new World. By somebody called Adoulous Huxley or something. But it's a dystopia novel, about how humanity will be controlled by pleasure. Their emotions are taken from them by the repetitions of pre-determined phrases that make them think things. So maybe it's better that emotions are so complicated. I'd rather feel Sad than nothing at all.

It's easy to float into my imagination now. I world I've begun to prefer. I can't write any of it. It's like a dream, you remember somethings but it doesn't make sense, it's not the full picture. And occasionally you remember something that is to weird for words or shakes you to your core. Something that nobody else can know.

People try to look at thing objectively. What they can get and how they can do it. Eventually everything become a commodity. But I can't do that. I seem to think that everything has worth, no matter what. Which I suppose is why I refused to let dad kill the birds who were keeping me up at night while in my wall. I'm squeamish, I play video games where death is usual but I can't stand the sight of anything dead in real life. I don't mind blood or cuts, or when the injuries on me. But when someone else gets hurt, emotionally or physically I can't stand it.

This was meant to help me think. But I just ended up more confused than when I started.