I feel like I've made a misstep somewhere.

Something's bugging me. Like some time in the immediate present, as in the last few days, I've made some incredible mistake that I should remedy. Unfortunately to find a remedy you have to know what's wrong. And I can't just try and fix it regardless. It's like asking for cough medicine when your foot is sore.

Sometimes I really fell like I'm not helping. I just end up making the person mad at me in addition to whatever they were before I tried to help. And I don't often get to help people. So maybe I should take the hint.

I know that I still have some feelings for most of the girls I've dated. But I'm possessive. And that's not something that many girls appreciate these days. I mean back in 1880 it was considered to be usual. But I don't live in 1880. And depending on the girl I would probably take them back if they asked. And sometimes I think about that. About what would happen if they did ask me to come back. It never goes anywhere because people aren't how I imagine them to be. Nobody ever conforms to how you picture them in your head. Even if you've known them for a very long time they will still surprise you somehow.

I'd like to think that somewhere out there, there's somebody who is perfect for me. And I'll freely admit I often hoped in a high school romance. But now I'm under no illusion, high school romances are for those who are either incredibly lucky or incredibly stupid. Lucky enough to find that one true love, or stupid enough to attach themselves to somebody who they think is. It's a toss up really. Are they really "The one" or is there somebody else somewhere out there that when you meet a choir of angels will just burst into song. I know that a high school romance isn't going to happen for me. But I just don't do casual. I can't just like somebody and then be expected to drop them like they were nothing. It's just something I can't do. I've seen it done and that's great for them. I'm sure that they'll have an enjoyable life picking up strangers in bars.

I'm not the easiest guy to be friends with. I can be petty, self absorbed, helpful, kind, empathetic, incredibly anti social and out there in your face. You really never know with me. I'm not the best at making friends either. When I meet new people I sometimes freeze up, I sometimes just say hi and then be aloof, and I sometimes jump head first into conversation. I'm at home in some conversations, like games or soccer, and will make everybody feel incredibly awkward in other situations. Maybe that's normal. Maybe it's not. I hate being left out and will often enough leave a conversation if I have nothing to say. I'm loud at times and far to quiet at others. I'm argumentative. I'm difficult, and I appreciate people putting up with me. Though I end up butting heads with most of them at many points in my life.

I hate doing things that don't interest me. I need to learn to force myself sometimes, because often enough I just end up staring at the ceiling when I'm meant to be working. I also hate being sick. In the holidays I don't spend a lot of time outside unless I'm working but I want to have the option open. When your sick your confined and I hate that feeling.

I also hate it that I have no idea who reads my blog. No wait that came out wrong. I know that Rachel and Micheal read it. And I have given the link to some other people. But they never comment on it so I have no idea if they read it or not. I don't know if Tania or Tamara read it to name a few. I know that Tania and Tamara have read it before but I don't know if they actively read it. That bugs me but I don't want to have to chase them up to force them to read it.

I miss the comforting feeling that I had when I was going out with Rachel. It's hard to describe and put into experiences that doesn't make it seem incredibly petty but I still miss it. I don't want to try to explain it. Because I'd prefer it remained a mystery even to me. I don't want it to be defined and categorized. Just that feeling of comfort and safety when your in another persons arms and you don't want to let go. Plus her hair smelled really nice and because of the height difference I could smell it whenever we were hugging.

Micheal wrote a post where he was completely honest. But while he was being honest to hurt people I'm just trying to be honest to myself. I don't mean to poke you with a stick Micheal it's just my viewpoint on what you did. You were brutally honest. I don't know why I wanted to write an honest post. Perhaps I've had to much of tip toeing around and hinting at information. I have no reason to now.

And I do think some people are good at heart. I think that some people never want to hurt you and kills them if they do. I think that some people are always looking for a way to help. They just muck it up sometimes or are never given the opportunity.