Thinking and thought

I thought I was dealing with my great aunties death admirably. Instead it turns out that the only thing I've done is bottle up all my unhappiness. The loss of my relationship, the loss of my writing, the loss of my great aunt. I want it to stop. I want to stop losing things. But that's not how it works. And I need to shut up and stop complaining.

I've bottled the unhappiness. It's slowly leaking out. I'm becoming flippant. Ignoring my family. Isolating myself on the computer. League is becoming the only escape I have. And my parents don't understand that. They keep saying, it's only a game, this is real life. Well right now I don't want real life. I want fantasy. Where I can ignore the real world for a while.

The only death that really ever shook me was my Uncle Grant. He wasn't a real uncle. An uncle in Christ officially. But he was an uncle to me. He was the cool uncle. The uncle that was ready for anything. That was always up for a game or a visit. He got sick. But he kept going. Then he was gone. There was a hole. And sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to miss him as much as I do. I miss him more than my great aunt. I mean she was always there. A constant figure in my childhood. But Uncle Grant was an active part. Something I miss everyday. I just wish for another day. Just to have the constant enthusiasm and ready for anything attitude around me again.

I guess that's a part of the reason I liked Rachel. Because she reminded me of him. There are many other reasons but none are particularly on topic here.

I'm crashing now. I've been strung out for a few days and now I'm falling apart. Holidays soon. Hopefully I can make it there.

I think caffeine would be helpful here. But all we have is coffee. And I can't drink that. The same way I can't drink wine or beer. I just feel incredibly sick during and after.

Chest's thrown and table's toppled.
Hands armed with broken bottles.
Standing no chance to win.
But we're not running. Not running. 

I want to run. I want to run and not look back til I'm miles away.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!