Expectations

"I'm not looking for a relationship."Close enough to what I got told by Rachel. But I went ahead with it anyway and got exactly what I expected to get. It feels good to get it off my chest. I feel lighter.

I'd be lying if I said I felt fine about it. If I felt nothing then I'd be guilty of not having any affections in the first place. So I feel a little sad. But not expecting much kind of softened the blow, like a sort of padding was in place.

On the bright side I spent some of the day with a kitten. And Kittens are cute by default. Because they're kittens and cute makes most people feel better. Still pissed off at my computer not running some games properly. Especially League. I've spent days on that dam thing and I'd hate for it to go to waste.

I can't help but wonder if what I said changed what she thinks about me. I expected to get friend zoned,, because that's just the kind of guy I normally am. "Great/average friend, But I wouldn't date him."

Whoo fragmented thoughts. It's like poking a person doing a puzzle and seeing how they react. Whether or not they can keep solving the puzzle or they snap back at you. Like a beaten pet that tires of it's master. I didn't say dog because a dog can love even the cruelest master. And sometimes people are like that. It's the typical guy thing. (This of course has nothing to do with my situation, it's just where my train of thought went.) You know the whole Guy likes girl, girl goes out with total douchebag, guy is sad. And somehow despite the fact that he always seemed to be a total douchebag they continue to go out for reasons unknown to "guy".

"I've been waiting all this time to be something I can't define."
I've certainly been waiting for something to happen and I sure as hell have no idea what has happened or how that will effect me. And I'm slightly frustrated at that. I have no control over where I'm going or what I'm becoming. I just have to go with the flow and hope like hell I turn out okay.

It did seem a little ironic. After Asking and the such I decided to turn on my ipod and listen to my music on shuffle. The first song that comes up is "Should've when you could have." By Skillet. I did it, I took a chance, and it didn't work. Maybe I shouldn't have when I could have. But that's all speculative, nothing can be done about it now.

But what do I expect from life. Common courtesy from most people. The truth from my friends. A hug now and then. A cuddle even less frequently. Other than that I'm pretty much fine. You don't have to give me anything else. It's just things that I can't get for myself mostly.

Well that's me. I need to get to bed once in a while at least.