Me I feel like writing. Well when I say writing I mean I've got three options. Talk, go to bed or write a blog. Those are the only realistic options. I'm sure there are many other options but they're closed to me for one reason or another. Maybe I just don't feel like doing anything but that would be counter productive, so I may as well write this blog.
I'm in a bad mood right now and my music taste shows this. Old school Linkin Park. It's hard to explain how this works. When I'm happy I seem to be able to listen to anything in library. But when I'm sad or angry I can't bring myself to listen to some things. They're so happy that you just think how could you possibly have written this. The world doesn't exist like this. Where as anything post grunge, anything angry, you think yes. This I agree with.
I want to be angry but It's fizzled out. I'm just profoundly sad.
And I've also figured something out. This blog was meant to be a place where I put my thoughts unaltered, uncensored but that notion died when my ex started reading it. When we were going out I took out most of the unhappiness. Now I'm shying away from certain topics because I'm afraid of losing her further than I have.
My dear we're slow dancing in a burning room.
Every so often I refresh a page in the hope that the champion spotlight comes up for Riven. Riot games, who developed league, patch a new champion in every so often. There's a new one and I need something to distract myself. I mean sure I could do homework or study but right now I couldn't care less about school, a job, my future. Anything that warrants attention I'm unwilling to grant it any. Unlike my ex who was downloading practice exams. All because she wants to do well.
I don't know what I want. And now all I can think of is immature sex jokes. Wow Jordan, you've come a long way and you write so well. It's like music to anyone's ears. I can't write. Not like I used to.
Why can't I let go. I'd save everyone involved a lot of pain if I could just let the things that died stay dead. Things that die should stay dead. I know that relationships are rarely high school romances that last forever. And it's to much to ask for one of those. But I always end up wishing my hours away waiting for some sort of miracle.
Oh the irony. I'm talking about not being able to let go and the John Mayer song "Back to you" comes up. I would send her a link but she'll figure it soon enough. I feel like crying now. But I won't.
Because I'm me. Broken but still moving.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this.
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