But it's slow and cold. And I've been thinking.I'd like to say that everything is better now. My faith is restored and I'm happy.
But the truth is I'm not happy and like always my faith is wearing thin. I don't know what to do about my faith. My growing sense of unease is still festering away and I can't shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen soon. There's no justification that i can use. It's just a gut feeling. What I really would like to do is talk to my girlfriend about faith. She is religious plus the small benefit of the whole touched by God makes it easier for her. Plus she also said that one of her best advice topics is religion.
But I feel uneasy talking about religion unless it's to somebodies face. I don't trust text based communication for that. You never actually know who's watching and replying. And I've been talking to her but it seems unlikely that I'm going to see her again for a while. I'm free anytime after the exams on weekends. But I don't know if she has the time.
I also feel as if I'm slowly losing her. Which is part of the reason that I want to see her so badly. I want to spend time with her thats all. There was a test that told me what "language of love" I am. I told me I was something and quality time. Touch rated third. I enjoy being close to somebody I love but it's not essential to touch them. Her presence alone seems to light up a room in any case. However I did not write this blog to be a pity blog.Or at least I didn't mean it that way. Maybe it ended up like that by mistake.
League finally patched so that's some measure of relief. I can go back to losing at that. I'm almost constantly in a bad mood because of lack of sleep because I can't stop thinking about my faith, people around me etc.
I bought a webcam yesterday just because I wanted one. I have no idea what I'm going to use it for in the coming days.
This blog is deteriorating by the minute and the smart, and humane thing would be to kill it here. But it seems unfinished somehow. My girlfriend is probably the best thing that could have happened to me given the circumstances. She's similar in so many ways it's frightening, but entirely different on other occasions. I'm not going to understand her anytime soon. And I'm okay with that. You don't need to understand someone to love them.
Older people say that teenagers are to young to talk about being in love. That we don't know enough.
"You know enough to make it hurt." Ghastly Bespoke from the Skulduggery Pleasant series. Sure there may be things we don't understand but the only way to learn is to go and experience it. It hurts. I know that much. But you can't shut yourself away. You can't not love forever. And I think that before I met my girlfriend, that's what I was trying to do. The wounds I'd caused by holding on had cut so deep that I never wanted to try again. But sometimes you can't help but fall in love.
The bells just rung so I'm signing off now. I may write more about this later.
Donec occuramus Iterum Conveiniant
No comments:
Post a Comment