Being without the internet for those few days has taught me something. Well two things. First I have a lot of shit that's clogging up hard drive space. Secondly, sometimes I need to stay quiet, and sometimes I need to speak up. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth me trying to fix a relationship. Because once the hurt's been done, one side doesn't want it to heal. The person with the hurt done generally doesn't want the other person in their life. Let alone an active conversationalist and part of their life.
I can't listen to sad songs. They just make me angry. I listened to Rise Against's first albums today. I listened to them once and decided I didn't like the sound as much as their newer stuff. But it's loud, fast and hard. And for some reason that's what I need right now. I've never like that style overly much before. Why now? So many of the questions I ask are Why. Why did you do this? Why are you doing this? It's like some pathological need to understand people and the decisions they make. And I've come up against someone who doesn't want me to know to understand. And I don't know how to react to this.
Micheal told me today that most people don't give a shit about you. They want to talk about themselves. Well I do give a shit about you. In fact as a general rule I give more than a shit about people. I give them time and attention. Something that's in precious short demand. I try to understand you so that I can know you better. And then people get pissy at me for trying to understand. That's like saying stop eating. You don't notice it for a while but it begins to undermine you. Then it owns you. All you think about is that. I would sooner stop breathing than stop trying to understand people. Because the moment I stop that I stop being me.
It's also interesting how tied into the internet people's lives are. I have a friend who didn't want a Facebook. Now he's on it 24/7. Mostly because he just leaves it open. But still. I missed out on four posts from Micheal and one from Rachel because the internet decided to crap it's pants. I also missed the start of the Dominion Beta and had to go to Micheal's place to play it. But me and his table/mouse disagree. So I wasn't very good.
I found a song called "Talk to Me." By a band named Abandon. The name come from a bible verse. Joshua I think. But it makes sense to me.
Still trying to figure it out
My heads keeps spinning around
Why, why, what’s it all mean
Hey, hey, won’t you tell me
I don’t know which way to go
Cause I’ve never been down this road
I’m tired of second-guessing and obsessing
So I’m asking please
Talk to me!
But it makes sense to me. I want to know. I just don't. And despite what I said, I'm okay with this. Because I've learned some other things. Sometimes a tether to something old is unwanted. Sometimes the tether just holds you back from being better. Rather than holding you back from pain.
And secondly. Well... I'll keep that to myself. You want to know you ask. Or until I run out of things to post.
In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!
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