Zeal and Fury are rewarded with victory.

If only it was that simple. You can't win a war of words with Zeal and Fury. You can't win someones heart with Zeal and Fury. Well Zeal maybe. Fury definitely not. Unless it's saving them from a dark alley and a strange man but I digress.

My mother is showing double standards again. She said I could finish my game, then five minutes later she comes in and unplugs the internet and tells me to get up for a reading. You lied to me mother. And I hate that.

I feel like sleeping for a month but I don't have the time. Makes me wonder why I waste it on writing blogs. And then a few seconds later I answer my question with, it makes me feel better. I have no clue why it does it just does. I'm sure I'll come up with a reason later.

I'm ready to go,
Get me out of my mind.
Because it feels like my mind is trying to kill me. I found out today about subconscious defense mechanisms. They're things the mind does to protect itself from massive upheaval. Things like Rationalization, Denial, Distortion. Mostly it's in response to anxiety. Of course it would be foolish of me to self diagnose which of these I use and which I don't but I can't help but think of how I deal with problems and instantly line those up with the mechanisms I found.

My ex posted about wanted to just leave everything behind for a day. And it's looking more and more attractive. Maybe longer than a day. Maybe a week, month, year. I can't tell you how attractive it sounds.

I've started to rationalize and objectify the world. It's probably one of my worst Ideas ever but still it can't be helped. I just can't help myself.

And Micheal asked what the second thing I'd realized was. If you have no idea what I'm talking about refer to end of previous post. But I can't actually say. Because it's got lost and mixed up with the other thing i thought about. My mind feels like some kind of spring. It bounces from one thought to another. And some of the thoughts are a little bit more than unwanted.

I'm trying to strike a balance between saying things that I wish to talk about and things I want to stay private between me and Micheal. However I will say this. Friend Zone is the most bullshit place you can be. "I don't want to risk our friendship." Well I was willing to and now you've broken it anyway because it'll be fucken awkward to be around you now. And they can't deny it. It will be. Sure it'll fade with time but that doesn't stop it hurting for the moment. And I haven't been friend zoned recently. It's just I read a book where somebody gets friend zoned. Not to mention it's like taking their confidence and shoving it into a blender.

But this is different from going out, breaking up then becoming friends. Sometimes that can be enjoyable. Not preferable. But sometimes enjoyable. I've noticed something in my writing and in my conversation. I make connections, observations, don't mention them. Then refer back to them like it was common knowledge. I also don't explain things as fully as they need to be sometimes.

It's been a while since I listened to Good Charlotte. I still think their really good. The best album is Good Morning Revival. Misery, Dance Floor Anthem, Break Apart her Heart, Broken Hearts Parade. I used to listen to those songs non-stop once. The mean something more to me now. I was going to say I can't be bothered but fuck it. Live in the moment. And I really don't have anything better to do.

So you're tired of runnin'
You're tired of hurting
You're tired of living in their lie
You're tired of listening
You're tired of hurting
Keep your sadness alive, alive, alive.



That's from misery. And I am tired. But I'm tired of running from my problems, not other people. I'm tired of hurting people, not being hurt. I'm tired of living in the lie that people tell each other.  Fluttering around, flirting then saying nope like nothing ever happened. It slightly sickening. But I'll never be tired of listening. I will always be there for people. With the exception of sometimes. Because sometimes I have no internet or credit. And no way of talking.

There's something I don't wanna understand
The only way a woman is gonna want a man
The only way you'll ever keep her in your hands
Is breaking apart her heart
Don't tell her she is the reason that you live
Don't give her everything that you got to give
If you want to keep the girl for as long as you liveJust break it apart her heart

Nice guys finish last. That's what the song says and from what I've seen that true. But I disagree with the song. I'm not breaking anyone's heart If I can help it. And if I do. I'm going to be sorry. 

"I don't wanna be in love."

Dance floor anthem. And the on above was break apart her heart. But the thing is I do wanna be in love. It's been the happiest time of my life. And even on the back side I'm still happy. But that's something slightly more private than anything else. So If you want to know. Ask. I might oblige I might not.

We got problems, we don't know how to solve them
Everywhere we go, we got some skeletons that follow
We got baggage, you know we're gonna drag it
Everywhere we go, for everyone to see

I've got baggage. Who doesn't. But my Baggage is mine. Unless your willing to help then you don't get to know. And proof that your willing to help isn't that easy to attain. 

Okay loose interatations of the meanings of the songs to me. Yeah I'm lazy.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish this!