Faith is the essence of things hoped for.

A while ago in one of my blog entries I said that my girlfriend generally only posted when she had something incredibly important to say. Well she's come up with a real humdinger this time. She doesn't know this but I spent every instant since reading the blog thinking about what she wrote. It will keep me awake tonight and there's no way out of it. I may still be thinking about it whenever I post next.

Faith. Faith is the essence of things hoped for and the belief in things unseen. Hebrews 11 verse 1.
I think this particular translation comes from the KJV. But I'm not sure. It's the oldest definition I know about for faith but I'm sure there are others that are far older. In fact if I went snooping in the bible I'm sure that I could find one before Hebrews. But another project for a distant rainy day. And from the comment about faith you may have guessed what I'm writing about. My faith.

Things were simpler when I was a kid. I was told my world and it was easy. Now that I'm older and encouraged to search out and find truths for myself. It still involves being told something but now I choose what to be told.

My faith has been worn thin for quite some time. And maybe it's finally breaking. Every person I ask about prayer in my church says "Pray to God, he hears, he will help you." I prayed in times of trouble. Sometimes I got what I was looking for sometimes I didn't. But when I didn't get what I was looking for, it took me a while to get closure on anything I asked. "God works in mysterious ways." And I agree, I have no idea what he's doing. Hell I'm not even sure If I believe in God.

That was mildly amusing to me. I used hell in a statement contradicting God.

I asked for faith and all I got was another thing grinding away at my faith. "God tries the heart to refine it." God created every metal there is. Surely he must know that not all metal bends. Sometimes it breaks. I realize the metaphor isn't exactly working. Refining and bending/breaking aren't exactly part of the same process.

People claim to have had experiences where they have never felt close to God. I say "claim" not to discredit the experiences for them. I sure it was wonderful. But I have never felt particularly close to God. My girlfriend has had one. But when that sort of thing happens at my camps. Where every bodies hugging each other and feeling close to God. I'm outside. Staring at the sky. My mind goes blank, but I always think the same thing when it's time to sleep or eat or read. When the tender moment is over. "If everyone is so connected here, to each other and God, why do I feel so Alone?" I haven't told anyone that before.

I've always felt alone, even among people who love me, friends and family. I wouldn't go as far as I was a loner. I can't have been a loner, I'm to dependent on other people. (Maybe you'll get to know that later. Or you already know, I don't know if I've addressed this before in my blogs.) But I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. And in some cases outside getting in.

Sometimes I laugh at myself. I'm totally dependent on other people to be happy, but a lot of the time, I feel more alone than ever.  I'm a walking talking hypocritical situation.

Faith is a big thing for me. Sometimes I have no faith in anything. It makes it easier to be disappointed.

I'll get back to you on faith. I don't know where I'm going with this.

But on to other things. A throwaway remark today got me a result I wasn't expecting. My girlfriend changes her hair a lot. Just like Ramona Flowers from Scott Pilgrim. And apparently it's been remarked that she's like Ramona a fair bit. So as a joke I said, "If your Ramona does that make me Scott Pilgrim?" Or something like that. I don't remember exactly. And she said, "I don't want you to be Scott Pilgrim. I want you to be you."

But who exactly am I? What defines me? I don't know. I don't have the first idea.

"Would you love me if I'm not myself?"


I was seriously scared for the first time in a long time a few days ago. Now I'm afraid.

Being scared implies that it was just a shock to the system. But fear is something ingrained. Locked in the survival instinct and our memories it's something to protect us. But you can't escape an Idea. You can't out think an Idea. You can't beat an Idea with tactics.

Help me.

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