Pleasant Dreams make Pleasant Small talk

But I don't have many of those. Especially not last night. I looked through the iPod's listening history. Turns out I was listening to the Dead Space 2 soundtrack all night. And not that I have anyone to make small talk to. Turns out the internet and phone line have literally been severed. Plus my phone is out of credit. Sucks to be me.

Thursdays have become the only night I watch television. Mythbusters, Doctor Who, Torchwood. It's almost a night tailored to me. Thought this new historical drama "The Borgia" looks pretty good. But that's mostly because I know some of the story from playing Assassin's Creed 2.Who says video games aren't useful?

I spent some of tonight staring out at the stars standing on my deck. I had no shirt on so consequently I'm freezing but it's been the calmest I've felt in a while. Did you know that the light from the stars takes so long to reach the earth that the light we see was actually emitted during the time of Christ. Admittedly the fact is a few years old, and I'm not sure if it was ever true. But back to me being calm. Usually I only feel calm when I'm playing a sport or a game. Or somewhere High up. I love a place that's outside with a view, inherent danger preferable but not required. But staring into that infinite black and having it stare back into me. I felt like nothing mattered. Just me and the moment. I wanted it to go on forever but as much as the moments of peace and belonging matter, I prefer not be sick when I experience them. So I came inside.

I've also taken a liking to a hot shower. Not just hot, but as hot as I can stand it without being burnt. It feels like absolution. Like it washes away worries and burns away my lies and sins. Sometimes I think I'm going mad, but I think I'd be happier if I was going mad.

Written in the middle of the night on the 22nd. Now to find a way to post it.

Now for an addendum. Not sure if that's the right word or not. I had my art folio interview today. Use the logo more she said. And I can deal with that. I'm going to have to get stuck into my folio. My weekends are wasted.  So are my weekdays. Maybe the internet being cut is a blessing in disguise. Maybe this folio was something that I can actually be proud of one day. Who knows maybe it will be used outside of this assessment. Then again my attention span is really small. I mean right after the interview I started working on this.

I'm confused about some things. But I really wanted to talk to micheal. Just to calm down a bit. To get my head on right.

I think for some reason I need to prove to myself that I can succeed. Not that all my life has been a dismal failure but still.

In the name of the Emperor, Finish This!